Puns of the Weak 11/22/02
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock. (Alan Ray)
Hillary Clinton was selected Monday the national issues spokesperson by
the Democratic party. She immediately refused comment on the Ten
Commandments display just ordered out of the Alabama Supreme Court
lobby. Hillary Clinton isn't opposed to the Ten Commandments, but she's
not exactly married to the idea, either. (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush wants to turn over thinning out the nation's forest to
the timber industry. He has made a similar move at his Texas ranch. He
will turn over the responsibility of the henhouse to area foxes. (Alan
Ray)
Today, the weapons inspector Hans Blix was interviewed on the eve of his
arrival in Iraq. Mr Blix pointed to his modern digital camera which he
says he will use to document his actions in his inspection. A wise
cracking reporter noted that he will be taking "Blix pics" and cranking
up a WWII expression, noted that the Iraqies will be subject to a
"Blixkreig." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Rudy Giuliani was hired Wednesday to clean up the horseracing industry
after a betting scandal in the Breeders Cup. It's unbelievable. The
economy is so bad that Time magazine's Man of the Year agreed to take a
job cleaning up after horses. (Argus Hamilton)
HOLIDAY PUNS
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones. (Lederer & Ertner)
Did you hear about the young turkey who was on his way to the big city
for the first time. A fellow passenger offered him some advice: "You'll
be all right as long as you don't lose your head." (Lederer & Ertner)
Did you hear about the conservative turkey?
It has two right wings. (Lederer & Ertner)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead." (Gail S. Angel)
Did you hear about the film executive who produced so many movies that
turned out to be turkeys that he was made an honorary Pilgrim? (Lederer
& Ertner)
Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of
them, and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving. (Lederer &
Ertner)
PUNY RIDDLES:
Why are inferior knight's assistants like today's business telephone directory?
Both are known as Ye Low Pages (Lars Hanson)
Daisy loved sex with both men and women, usually one of each
simultaneously. “I like being the middle of a sandwich,” Daisy said. How
did she describe herself?
As a bisexual built for two (Cynthia MacGregor)
What award winning book and movie is the story of a songbird who
weighed almost four and a half pounds?
Two Kilo Mockingbird (Stan Kegel)
What do you call chasing geese with horses and dogs?
A flocks hunt (Lars Hanson)
How did Julie Andrews describe the moaning of a disturbed cow?
The Sound of Moo Sick (Cynthia MacGregor)
What would be an appropriate name for Don Tyson's (of Tyson chicken
fame) massive office building?
The HENtagon (Tiff Wimberly)
What is the most important meal of the day for a lazy mason?
Brick-fast (Gary Hallock)
OTHER RIDDLES:
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when
plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. (Jokes Galore)
What do you call the cook on the midnight-to-eight shift at the burger joint?
A fry-by-night. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What's the difference between a tube and a crazy Dutchman?
One is a hollow cylinder; the other is a silly Hollander.(Lederer &
Ertner)
When one cook hit another over the head with a condiment shaker, what
did the police charge him with?
A-salt with a deadly weapon (Cynthia MacGregor).
What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?
One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture. (Lederer &
Ertner)
Why was the U.N. meeting convened in the field where the farmer had
planted asparagus and legumes?
It seemed a good place to hold peas stalks. (Cynthia MacGregor)
'What's the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
One is a bird watcher and the other is a word botcher.(Lederer &
Ertner)
What's the difference between a pack of dogs showing affection and a
group of Greenpeace guys placing tracking beacons on sea mammals?
One wags their tails and the other tags their whales! (Daily Groaner)
Where would you read about discoveries concerning jalapenos?
In the newspepper (Cynthia MacGregor).
What’s the difference between Goldilocks and a genealogist?
A genealogist is interested in forebears (Lederer & Ertner)
Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they’d rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living
room (Haust Javeri)
JEST FOR KIDS
What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing; they are already stuffed. (Lederer & Ertner)
What kind of music did Pilgrim bands play?
Plymouth Rock 'n' roll! (Kids Jokes)
Why did the turkey bolt down his food?
Because she was a gobbler. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why didn't the boy get a second helping of turkey?
Because he ate it all the first time! (Kids Jokes)
Why did the Pilgrim shoot the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood! (Kids Jokes)
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
One, but you really have to squeeze him in! (Kids Jokes)
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To show that he wasn't chicken. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English. (Lederer & Ertner)
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A poultrygeist! (Kids Jokes)
Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?
Because it's a-gobblin. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the mother turkey say to her daughter as she wolfed down her
meal,
"Don't gobble your food." (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the Indian call the Pilgrim with a bucket over his head?
"Pailface." (Kids Jokes)
Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit! (Kids Jokes)
What would you get if you crossed a famous Giant with Indian corn?
Willie Maize! (Kids Jokes)
What happened when the turkey met the axe?
He lost his head! (Kids Jokes)
Why should you never talk like a turkey?
Because it's bad to use fowl language! (Kids Jokes)
Why did the basketball player sit on the sidelines and sketch chickens.
He was learning to draw fowls (Daily Groaner)
What kind of ship lasts a lifetime?
Friendship (Zack, 10)
What did the first casket say to the second casket?
Is that you coffin? (Brittany, 7)
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered! (LOL)
Did you hear about the idiot who stole a calendar?
He got twelve months. (Daily Groaner)
Why is it so hot after the baseball game?
Because all the fans have left (Daily Groaner)
Why would you keep empty beer bottles in the fridge?
They are for those who don't drink. (Stan Kegel)
Did you hear the story about the blunt pencil?
It was totally pointless (My Stacy)
What’s th difference between sensitive spot in your elbow and a
rabbit's conversation piece?
One is a funny bone, and the other is a bunny phone.(Lederer & Ertner) .
What did the alien say to the plant?
Take me to your weeder! (Tyanne, 12)
Why is a fireplace store such a good place to shop?
Because it has grate prices. (Mayra, 10)
How did the music teacher get locked out of his classroom?
His keys were inside the piano (Rachel, 8)
Why does a cat scratch himself?
He is the only one who knows where it itches. (Jerlyn F.)
Why did the cat climb the drapes?
He had good claws to! (John Nunley)
Did you hear about the dynamite party ?
It was a blast! (My Stacy)
What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
At the quack of dawn. (Mini Jokes)
Why is the Queen's bedroom flooded?
Because she's reigned for 50 years (Becky, 11)
Why did Steve put his bed in the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log. (Syman Hirsch)
What do you get when you cross a lizard with a baseball player?
An outfielder who catches flies with his tongue. (Tel, 8)
Where do religious school students practice sports?
In the praygound (Sports Joke of the Day)
Why was the nose tired?
Because it kept running! (Jamie, 11)
What does a cat have that a dog doesn't?
Kittens. (Jerlyn F.)
Have you heard about the two nudists who split up?
They were seeing too much of each other (Richard Lederer)
Why did Dracula flunk art class?
Because he could only draw blood! (Julia, 11)
What’s the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast. (Lederer & Ertner)
How do ugly ducklings live?
Swan day at a time (Mini Jokes)
Why did the skunk want to go into show buisiness?
He wanted to be the scenter of attention. (Stan Kegel)
What’s the difference between a run-down hotel and a banner for insects?
One is a flea bag, and the other is a bee flag. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the cat join the red cross?
She wanted to be a first aid kit. (Jerlyn F.)
What type of animal needs oil?
A mouse, because it squeaks! (Joe, 10 )
What’s the difference between a racehorse and a duck?
One goes quick on its legs, and the other goes quack on its
eggs..(Lederer & Ertner)
What liquid will never freeze?
Hot water! (Teen Jokes)
What is the most valuable type of ant?
An Ant-ique! (Megan, 10)
What did the digital watch say to the alarm clock?
Look, no hands (Daily Groaner)
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It is too far to walk (Daily Groaner)
DAILIES:
The Rostakovitch Sturgeon and Caviar Company was asked to cater the
victory party. Once again it roes to the occasion. (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
Soft drinks are sometimes made with hard water. (Pun of the Day)
Drinking a whole bucket of water could make you turn pail. (Pun of the Day
The Butcher got ahead in his job from the ground up (Jumble)
When they bought a cabin cruiser, the couple acquired a house for
“sail.” (Jumble)
Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He's a little
stiff now. (Very Punny)
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi (Intl Save
the Pun Fnd)
He wasn't supposed to eat the pie but he kept pecan at it. (Pun of the Day)
There was an orchestra conductor who threw tempo tantrums. (Pun of the Day
Before his debut performance, the pianist felt all keyed up. (Jumble)
I thought I was financially set, but then my candle-lighting gigs began
to taper off." (The Big Pun)
Did you know that rabbis get $100 for circumcisions? Plus tips of
course. (E4Fun)
Early nuclear experimenters discovered an element of surprise. (Pun of
the Day)
A surgery nurse was demoted for being absent without gauze. (Pun of the Day)
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife
crisis. (Pun of the Day
When the optometrist’s office was remodeled, it improved his eye site. (Jumble)
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said,
"Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!" The cashier laughed
and said, "You mean to say history." The burglar answered, "Dammit,
don't change the subject!" (Very Punny)
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant. (Very Punny)
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? (E4Fun)
The president of a ladder manufacturer had to step down. (Pun of the Day)
The whistling fisherman was always out of tuna.. (Pun of the Day)
When put on hold, most people experience call waiting. (Jumble)
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into his office all
wrapped up in cellophane?
I can clearly see your nuts. (Very Punny)
Old fire fighters never die, they just do asbestos they can. (Pun of the Day)
Sailors are under a lot of pier pressure, (Pun of the Day)
Old sailors never die -- they just don't get the drift. (Pun of the Day
The dealer on the gambling boat was known as a deck kand. (Jumble)
The executive found it humorous that an African American man had been
sent to negotiate with him. He was not afraid of being blackmailed. (The
Big Pun)
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. (E4Fun)
COMICS
“What does the pig say, Marvin?” “Oink, Oink” “What does the cow say?”
“Moooo” “What does the chicken say?” “Cluck. Cluck” “What does the duck
say?” “AFLAC!” (Marvin: Tom Armstrong)
“I’ve written to Europe for a mail order groom.” “I hear the Czech is in
the mail.” (Mother Goose & Grimm: Mike Peters)
Hager sitting at a bar: “I hate the English! And I hate the Irish!”
Bartender: “How about the Scots?” Hager: “Okay! Make it a double!”
(Hagar the Horrible: Chris Browne)
ONE-LINERS:
My friend Ronald helped me with this Biblical research, so if there is a
mistake here, it's probably due to Ron & me.(Gary Hallock)
I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into
a giant vat of milk by-product. "I'm sorry", I said. "Am I in your
whey?" (Doug Helsel)
I've known six different Lukes and not one was warm. (Renee From Napa)
The best vitamin for making friends is B-1. (Richard Lederer)
Today’s great oak is only yesterday’s nut that held its ground. (Cryptograms)
The major cause of vehicle accidents is a screw loose in the nut behind
the wheel. (Aaron Dragushan)
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a
smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker? (Les Pourciau)
With ice covering his vessel's exterior, the old captain was
experiencing a hard ship. (Doug Helsel)
I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food! (Michael Rogers)
Some power saws are a cut above the rest.(Doug Helsel)
Patience requires a lot of wait. (Richard Lederer)
The new choirmaster at the towering old Gothic church got hopelessly
confused on his way to rehearsal. There were too many unfamiliar
passages. (Cryptograms)
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on
the kind of chick he marries. (Rubin)
Can I buy jumper cables for my VISA card that won't hold a charge?
-(Lawrence Brotherton)
Medicine is mentioned as far back as the Bible, where Moses himself took
two tablets. (Renee From Napa)
Every calendar's days are numbered. (Pastor Tim)
Save gas, don't eat beans. (Me Mail)
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore
marriage is an institution for the blind. (Paul Benoit)
I get a kick out of taking pictures of my enemies. You might say I'm
into foe-tography.(Paul Benoit)
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never be an old nag. (William Brabant)
We used to say that Frisbee is really a religion. 'Frisbyterians,' we'd
call ourselves. When we die, we don't go to purgatory. We just land up
on the roof and lay there forever. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. (Caboom)
Read a fascinating book I just got from the Discovery Channel.
"Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Centipedes". It's good
reading, but about 60% of the book is footnotes. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
The celery was convicted in court today for stalking (Dave Coble).
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(Renee From Napa)
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past, but never the
present. (William Brabant)
I walked into Baskin Robbins and asked for a hot fudge sundae with
extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "I’m sorry, but the hot fudge comes
in one temperature only." (Stan Kegel)
Have you heard about the strike down at the U.S. Mint? The workers are
demanding to make less money. (Syman Hirsch)
GROANERS:
A new employee at the stock brokerage saw a knock-out chick slink past.
"Whew!" he said. "Exactly what does she do?" "Not very much." replied
his mentor. "She's one of our gilt-edged negotiable blondes." (Joke-A-Day)
Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives
thought of them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she
won't let me do any work around the house. It's great!" Not to be out
done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."
Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"
"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me." (Arco Max)
During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible
covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in
the Good Book." A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, "What
about PMS?" Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through
the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh here it is: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethlehem." (Roxi Yorty)
I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were
interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet. "Mrs.
Jones does nothing but complain about her food," said my co-worker. "She
says the coffee tastes like mud." "Well, it should," the doctor quipped.
"It was fresh ground just this morning." (Terry Tubman)
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a
little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!" (Michael Rogers)
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close,
the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. "I'm
about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand
and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own
incision!" The surgeon hands him the thread and says, "Suture self".
(LAB Laughs)
Morris Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his US citizenship
papers. He was asked to spell "Cultivate" .... He spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and
said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it
vas too cultivate, so I took a taxi home." (Bob Sachse)
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat
pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "May be that's
the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red
ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for
afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem,"
said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!" (Archives)
There was a trucker who had a problem with one of the wheels on his
truck, it kept falling off. He finally thought he had it fixed, but one
day while he was sailing around a corner at about 70 mph, the wheel came
flying off, and the trucker was heard singing at the top of his lungs:
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel..." (By Dave Coble)
A man walks into a french restaurant and asks the waiter, "Do you serve
snails here?" "Ah, but of course!" replies the waiter. "Ok", says the
man, "I'll have the steak, and my little friend here will have the
garden salad." (Archives)
“He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalepeno pepper in his
hand. I said, ‘Why in hell did you bring that pepper to the bedroom?’"
‘Well, what did he say?” “He said, ‘You told me that we needed to spice
up our love life!’" (Jill’s Joke Line)
A gentleman having trouble approaching women tells his shrink, "Every
time I get next to an attractive woman, i just feel like a little
pebble!" The shrink advises, " It seems to me like you need to be a
little boulder." (Tony Thoennes)
Former Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his
father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his
father visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion,
his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the
renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef,
Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite
Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff,
Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being
picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County
Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of
the father, the son and the goalie host. (Stan Kegel)
The other night my wife and I were making love when I heard her
yelling,... 'Climax! Climax!' I asked her "what's the big hurry?" She
replied, "I didn't say that. I thought it was you." Then we both heard
it again from the next apartment, 'Climax...So nu CLIMAX ! ' Later we
found out the little old Jewish lady who lives next door was teaching
her parakeet Max to go up a ladder. (Nekia)
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the
sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!" he next day, when he went
to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it,
immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered
another sign which read, "Thoap!" (Political Jokes)
Bill and his fiancee Mary met with the pastor to discuss their marriage
vows. "Pastor," said Mary, "I wonder if we could make a change in the
wording of our ceremony." "Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "it is
sometimes done. What do you have in mind?" "Well," said Mary, "I'd like
to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal.'" (Clean Laffs)
DEFINITIONS:
Superficial: A really good referee (William Safire)
Bison: An illegal private adoption (Stan Kegel)
Dentist: Body shop that specializes in fixing pushed-in metal. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Undertaker: The last guy to let you down (Art. Moger)
Beleagured: Stuck in the semipros (William Safire)
Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do (Stan Kegel)
Suburban: Liquor served on a submarine (Paul Dickson)
Bigamist:: A man who wants to keep two himself. (Lexicon)
Truncate: Tailgate party given by a compact-car owner (William Safire)
Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do (Stan Kegel)
Violin: A Bad hotel (Paul Dickson)
Hermit: Girl's baseball glove (William Safire)
Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event (Stan Kegel)
Saturnine: Baseball team that plays on weekends (William Safire)
Big game hunter: Someone looking for tickets to to The Cal-Stanford
game (Stan Kegel).
TOM SWIFTIES:
"Have you tried thier Chinese raviolis?" Tom asked wantonly. (Stan Kegel)
"He's always quoting from the scriptures," Tom said perversely. (Stan Kegel)
'The train going west just left,' Tom said mischieflously. (PunAmerican News)
"I will support our union," Tom promised strikingly (Stan Kegel)
"Get that sheep out of my bed!" Tom said, rambunctiously. (PunAmerican News)
"He's about average," Tom said meanly. (Stan Kegel)
"I think she died intestate," said Tom, unwillingly. (PunAmerican News)
"I think we'll find a mummy in that tomb," Tom said cryptically. (Stan Kegel)
"One, three, five, seven," said Toni oddly. (PunAmerican News)
POETRY
"I'm not feeling well
Today," said the turtle, "But
Tomorrow I shell," (John S. Crosby)
See Shakespeare's ghost go boo-hoo
coz it has really no clue...
It has thought and thought,
But it just can not,
decide - "Taboo or not Taboo!" (Gunjan Saraf)
Should the groom falter
The bride will deride and soon
The chapel alter. (John S. Crosby)
When they asked, "Want a shot?" I acceded.
Their prevention advice I had heeded.
Didn't want to get flu,
So I knew what to do.
'Twas the shot in the arm that I needed. (Kirk Miller)
To be enemy
Of your friend's father in France
Is surely foe pa
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
If there's a defect
In your faith that bugs you,
Do try the insect. (John S. Crosby)
BLOOPERS:
She'd been shut in so long, she had cabinet fever (Richard Lederer)
Midwest announcer reading an Associated Press release containing a
typographic error: “Many clergymen feel the recent avalanche of obscene
material is a treat to young children ... I’m sorry, ... that’s a threat
to young children.” (Kermit Schafer)
After the Constitution was finished, Washington and Franklin added the
bill for rice. (Richard Lederer)
Johnny Carson was interviewing some girls who were working in a
nightclub that was on strike.Johnny asked, “Why aren’t you girls out on
the street?” The audience laughed and Johnny hurriedly said, “What I
really meant is, why aren’t you picketing?” (Kermit Schafer)
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she's going through her
mental pause.. (Richard Lederer)
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction (Funny Pics)
In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William Bennett
said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported,
"It's a real S&M kind of thing." (Richard Lederer)
He's a wolf in cheap clothing..(Richard Lederer)
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies (Funny Pics)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Have you heard about the three sailors who were walking along the beach?
A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk. (Richard
Lederer)
What did the constipated man say when he discovered the best cure was
shoving a palm leaf up his ass?
"With fronds like this, who needs enemas?" (Bob W.)
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every
time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on
for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and
yells, "You need more tail." The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more
tail and she told me to go fly a kite." (Jokes Central)
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged! (Sea Girl)
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers. (Kevin Raynek)
Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the
faster it goes. (Caboom)
Have you heard about the woman who married a fellow named William so
that she would have a Will of her own?
Then she married a guy named Richard. (Richard Lederer)
The new Miss Czech Republic could be stripped of her title because she
was filmed having sex with her boyfriend two years ago. Competition
rules forbid all Miss Czech Republic candidates from having participated
in erotic modeling. In other words, no Czech-mating (William Brabant)
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some
support soon, people will 0. think we're nuts." (Kevin Raynek)
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells
condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?" She
responds, "Oh, just mix them up... I'm not going steady with anyone
right now." (Paul Benoit)
Have you heard about the twenty-five-year-old woman who married an
octogenarian?
Very soon she felt old age creeping up on her (Richard Lederer)
I think there'd be a lot more Christians if Jesus had spoken more
plainly. For instance, when he said, "Let him who is without sin cast
the first stone," it would have been a lot easier to understand if he
had just said, "It's okay to have sex with hookers." (Scott E. Frank)
How many James Bonds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. James Bond usually screws in a bed. (Gary Hallock)
Brave: A cannibal who lets his wife give him head. (Stan Kegel)
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker. (Sea Girl)
This is a true story. In 1989 a Las Vegas whorehouse called the Mustang
Ranch went into bankruptcy. For some months the U.S. government thought
about taking over and running the place to recoup some of the debts,
giving new meaning to the terms "belly up" and "going in the
hole."(Richard Lederer)
Why are men better at sleeping on their sides than women?
Because they have a built in kick-stand! (LOL Lewd Lines)
Have you heard about the woman who married a fellow named William so
that she would have a Will of her own?
Then she married a guy named Richard. (Richard Lederer)
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? (Sea Girl)
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. (Sea
Girl)
Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique auto they
were going to give their girl friends for Christmas. One guy said, "I'm
going to give my girl a Kaiser and surprise her." The next one said,
"I'm going to give my girl a Frazier and amaze her." The third guy said,
"I'm going to give mine a Tucker..." (William Brabant)
What's Jewish ménage a trois?
Using both hands to masturbate. (Kevin Raynek)
Have you heard about the sentimental moyel who saved all his clippings.
(Richard Lederer)
"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his
girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a
crime of passion! (Renee From Napa)
The energizer bunny, that popular commercial character has died. The
state medical examiner announced today that the bunny had died of a
heart attack caused by sexual overstimulation, appearently someone had
put the batteries in backwards and the bunny just kept coming and coming
and coming. Foul play has not been ruled out. (Archives)
How are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you
can rip one off anytime. (LOL Lewd Lines)
When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the
husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their
own devices. (Richard Lederer)