“I do benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicallity,”
“ Bing Crosby doesn’t pay Income Tax any more. He just asks the
government what they need.”
“I love to go to Washington - If only to be by my money.”
“Middle Age is when your age begins to show around your middle”
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
"The pay isn't right. Besides, Dolores wouldn't want to move to a
smaller house." (When asked by Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show" why
he had declined to run for President)
”My favorite subject was ancient history. Of course, when I went to
school it was all about white males, which just goes to show you that
history is written by the victors.”
IN THE NEWS
Michael Jackson was admitted to an Indianapolis hospital for dizziness.
Doctors reported very weak circulation. And those were just his record
sales. (Alan Ray)
The people of Nevada are going to vote on the legalization of marijuana.
If you thought the casino buffet lines were long now. (Jim Barach)
Dick Cheney's doctors say his heart is okay. However, he must stick to
a strict regimen. They recommend he still should avoid any strenuous
SEC inquiries. (Alan Ray)
Syrian President Bashar Assad told a reporter Sunday he doubts the
existence of al-Qaeda. You can't fault his logic. After the New York
Times won a Pulitzer Prize for its coverage of September 11th, we should
have known it never happened. (Argus Hamilton)
Rebel fighters in the Congo are reportedly eating Pygmies. This has
unsettled the entire region. Many local villagers are in quite a stew.
Jeb Bush's daughter Noelle is in trouble again with the law. This family
has tremendous name recognition in Florida. His picture is in every
state office. Her picture is in every post office. (Alan Ray)
Homeland Security officials just caught a terrorist trying to get
through customs with a bag filled with botulism-contaminated sausage.
Fortunately, the security officers were prepared for the wurst-case
scenario. (Eric Stone)
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan underwent surgery for an
enlarged prostate last week. Doctors say the prostate showed moderate
growth last quarter, but not the growth they expected. (Conan O'Brien)
Texas Democrats were ordered by WD-40 to stop using their company name.
They called themselves WD-40s because they are white Democrats over
forty. The only lubricant willing to be associated with Democrats is
designed to wake the neighbors. (Argus Hamilton)
Rudy Giuliani raised eyebrows in New York Monday when he showed up at a
Yankees game without his wife of three days. Not everyone blanched. In
Los Angeles it is considered a successful marriage if the bride and
groom leave the church together. (Argus Hamilton)
This is the time of year when colleges are holding graduations and
students are getting that all-important sheepskin. And we all know what
a sheepskin is, right? A lamb, a ram, a ewe...they're all a sheep's kin!
President Bush told reporters that he is monitoring the situation in
North Korea very closely. In fact, today the president spent the whole
day watching reruns of "MASH.” (William Brabant)
Bill Clinton was interviewed by a historian Wednesday at the John F.
Kennedy Library in Boston. The former president takes a great interest
in the research center. It is the only library in America that allows
you to check out the interns. (Argus Hamilton)
The Rolling Stones are on tour again. You can tell the group has gotten
older. They no longer sing "Start Me Up...". It's now "Help Me Up...".
(Alan Ray )
A New York fitness expert has released an exercise book for nuns called,
"Changing Habits: The Sister's Workout." The Vatican rejected the
original title, "Nuns of Steel."" (Conan O'Brien)
British explorer Pen Hadow became the first human to walk five hundred
miles across the ice cap to the North Pole last week. No one can believe
he made it back alive. The Red Sox didn't waste any time renewing their
option on Ted Williams. (Argus Hamilton)
Memorial day? Goodness gracious!
As Indy cars go through their paces
I've a very broad mind
But this day I find
That just once a year I'm a racist
Don’t you think its odd they wave the checkered flag for that famous
race on Memorial Day instead of Indy Pennants Day. (Gary Hallock)
Shedding the trappings of an increasingly plastic society, as befits a
nudist colony, no false eyelashes, silicone boob jobs, or other fakery
is permitted. That's why the residents love to celebrate Me More Real
Day. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The young man asked the voluptuous blonde if she would like to help him
commemorate the upcoming holiday. She asked him what he had in mind. He
suggested that they spend the day at a nude beach. They would take off
their clothing and then he would slather her body with sun screen lotion
to protect her magnificent boobs. When she asked what that possibly had
to do with the holiday, he replied, " It's Mammary Oil Day!" (Ken Pinkham)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
They can't keep their trunks up (Yahooliggans)
What did the banana do when it saw a monster?
The banana split (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What did the bald man say when he got a comb?
"I'll never part with it." (Kid's Jokes)
Why did the silly student carry a chair?
Because his teacher told him to take a seat. (Bryant, 8)
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored! (Ashley, 12 )
In baseball, if you ran each length at exactly the same speed, which of
the following would take you longest to complete: Home to first, first
to second, second to third, or third to home?
Second to Third There's a shortstop in the middle. (LAB Laughs)
What did the two rabbits say to the farmer while they were eating his crops?
Lettuce be. (Jennifer, 11)
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Why did the police officer give the dog a ticket?
For double barking (Daily Groaner)
Why are fish so smart?
Because they hang out in schools (Israel, 9)
When does a female deer need money?
When she doesn't have a buck (Kid's Jokes).
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut! (Lai, 11 )
Why are most baseball games held at night?
Because bats sleep during the day! (Monika, 9)
What kind of girl does a mummy go out with?
Any girl he can dig up. (Kid's Jokes)
Where does a boat go when it's sick?
To the dock! (Ryan, 10)
What did the soldiers on KP call the garbage?
A mess haul (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers (Yahooliggans)
Did you hear about the circus stuntman who used to stick both his left
arm and left leg in a lion's mouth.
He's all right now. (Lederer & Ertner)
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Springtime (Kid's Jokes).
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I’ll hang around (Lederer & Ertner)
What should you do if your dog swallows a book?
Take the words right out of his mouth. (Kid's Jokes)
What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night?
A nightmare! (Mance, 10)
Why can't you see the invisible man's mother and father?
They're trans-parents (Daily Groaner)
Why is it hard to talk with a goat?
Because he always butts in. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call an air carrier in financial difficulty?
A receding airline! (Clayton Doss)
What did King Arthur call his pet insects?
The Gnats of the Round Table. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the clock scratch?
Because it had ticks! (Shijo, 11)
What do you call two witches who live together?
Broommates! (Amanda, 13)
What did the mommy volcano say to the baby volcano?
I lava you (Daily Groaner)
Puns are for both children and groan ups. (Mike Bull)
My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good
for nothing. (Gail S. Angel)
How would you describe Frankenstein’s birth?
Shocking (Kyle, 9)
Did you hear about the former circus employee who used to stick his
right arm in a lion's mouth?
They call him Lefty. (Lederer & Ertner)
Did you hear about the guy who spilled some root beer on the stove?
Now he has foam on the range. (Paul Benoit)
Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting things!
Doctor: When did this start happening?
When did what start happening? (Mirands, 12)
What do you call a wicked old woman who lives by the sea?
A sand witch (Yahooligans)
Jehovah reflected upon what he had accomplished the past six days and
was not satisfied. How did he spend the next day?
In Re-creation (Stan Kegel)
When should a Moyel retire?
When he can't cut it anymore. (William Brabant)
(Mohel: Jewiish riual circumciser)
What do you call drunken French artists who paint on gesso?
The plastered of paris (Gary Hallock)
The important letter she was reading as she ate fell from her balcony
and fluttered toward the canal below. She was about to lose it! At the
last minute, she reached out and speared it with her fork, averting a
disaster. What did she exclaim?
I caught it just in tine! (Cynthia MacGregor)
What did the pro wrestler say when his opponent did a 360-degree,
head-over-heels flip, before knocking him down and pinning him to the
"Wow! That was some assault!" (Tyler Kaus)
What is the difference between a skit about the wages of sin and a scam
in which diluted solutions are sold as full-strength?
One is a morality play, the other a molarity ploy (Lars Hanson)
What well known book by Charles might be subtitled "The Great Martini Debate?"
Olive or twist (Lars Hanson)
What is the title of the research project by a Ph. D. candidate
recording religious transgressions using a hidden camera?
Photo Sin Thesis (Stan Kegel/Daily Groaner)
Rick: “What are you doing in hall?” Fuzzy (cat): “I’m observing that rat
hole in an attempt to determine when and how often those rats are
active. I have determined that a rat’s evil activity which can be
represented by the letter ‘e’ is equivalent to the mass of the rat, ‘’
multiplied by the square of the rat’s food consumption or ‘C’” “e = MC
squared?” “That’s correct. It’s my theory of rat activity” (Get Fuzzy:
Darby Conley) (Congratulations to Darby Conley and “Get Fuzzy” for
winning the 2003 Reuben Award as “The Best Newspaper Comic Strip of the
Year” selected by the National Cartoonist Society.)
“No, no, Noah! Not ‘Cupids!’ I said 300 ‘Cubits’ “ (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Support Masseurs! They’re kneady people! (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Son, there are two kinds of people in this world ... Those that are good
at Math those that are good at English and those who ain’t good at
nothing, (Speed Bump: Dave Coverly)
Forgers write wrongs (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“I’ve joined a new health club that specializes in reducing the rear.”
“Really? What is it called?” “No End In Sight.” (Shoe: Cassatt &
A lot of plastic people hang out on Hollywood and Vinyl (Graffiti: Gene
Market cashier: “Paper or Plastic?” Customer: “Don’t care. I’m
bisactual” (Loud Cartoons: Myke Ashley-Cooper)
Poets are born, not paid. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Al’s Seafood Grotto: “Why did you discontinue the mussels?” “They
weren’t working out.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Some guest speakers talk in other people’s sleep. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
TV Announcer: Coming up ... Disturbing new info about something you are
probably doing in your home this VERY MINUTE that could KILL you!!! ...
Details at eleven. (Reality Check: Dave Whammond)
A Hangover is the bad time you get from a good time. (Graffiti: Gene
I'm not saying our new receptionist is dumb, but this is how she filled
out her driver licence application:
Date of Birth: January 12, 1978
Weight: 6 pounds, 10 ounces
Height: 20 inches (LAB Laughs)
When a group of battered ladies arrived in Reno for divorces from their
abusive husbands, it was a site for sore wives . (Tyler Kaus)
One July evening, a member of King Arthur's Round Table had a dream,
during which he formulated an evil plan to overthrow his boss. It could
be described as A Midsiumber Knight's Scheme. (Tyler Kaus)
Do urologists review their journal articles with peeer groups? (B. Michael)
When a baby's diaper is being changed, it sometimes acts rashly. (Pun of
D. A. M.: Mothers Against Dyslexia (Ken Kegel)
When you're lying on your deathbed, a priest is probably the last person
on earth you want to see. (Gary Hallock)
Passenger: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are
always late? Conductor: How would we know they were late, if we didn't
have a schedule? Carol’s Humor)
Watches can be displayed and sold on a time table. (Pun of the Day)
In the old days, a suspended sentence was hanging. (Mike Bull)
Did you hear about the big winner on JEOPARDY!? He went home the next
day, and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last
night?" (Marsha Coleman)
In a world without walls or fences, what use do we have for Windows or
Gates? (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Dripping wet wood should not be used in your fireplace. You should let
weeping logs dry. (Tyler Kaus)
We take water for granted, but if we don't conserve it, we could go from
one ex-stream to another. (Mike Bull)
A man who got a watch when he retired said, "it's about time" (Pun of
Heavy drinkers tend to put the cart before the hearse. (Mike Bull)
A panhandler comes up to you and begs the question. (Pun of the Day)
A chicken in love is poultry emotion. (Johann von Haupkopf)
If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life I, think I'd
have to pick underpants. (Foot Long Hot Dog)
A rancher has a huge cow-spread down in South Texas. A visitor asked him
one day how long cows should be milked. "The same as short ones," he
answered. (Carol's Humor)
A good clothing salesman will size up a customer. (Jumble: Arnold &
Bottled water is fairly cheap, you can buy it at a liquidation sale.
Those who like dark beer are beyond the pale. (Pun of the Day)
Chinese sailors eat junk food. (Pun of the Day)
If you are born legitimate but take ill does that make you
ill-legitimate? (W.J. Newhart)
He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower
opinion of him. (E4Fun)
For a rookie racer to succeed takes a lot of drive. (Jumble: Arnold &
After a lady of easy virtue had imbibed copious quantities of a wormwood
liqueur, she began to think deeply and remorsefully about her wasted
life. You might say that absinthe makes the tart go ponder . (Tyler Kaus)
Did you hear about the tattoo artist that had designs on his clients
(Pun of the Day)
Dry cleaners are often pressed for time. (Mike Bull)
Did you hear about the Mohel who doubled as a press agent? He saved his
own clippings. (Archives)
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. (Jolene)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased when I read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine up against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
When he asked her out, the hair stylist gave him the brush off. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
After several criminals had escaped to Reykjavik after hijacking armored
cars for a lot of money, their haven became known as Heistland . (Tyler Kaus)
The guy who draws pictures of crime suspects is a con artist (Pun of the
Two electricians were in a race that went down to the wire. (Pun of the
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on
his toes. (Venkatesh/ Very Punny)
Don't drink too much water at once or you could turn pail. (Mike Bull)
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never be an old nag. (Jolene)
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the
issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the
practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture
expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can
serve two masters." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Defendant: "Your Honor, I'm being unfairly accused of robbery because
I'm a locksmith by profession!" Judge: "Can you explain what you were
doing at the scene of the crime when the police arrived?" Defendant:
"Just making a bolt for the door!" (Gard Webster)
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud
crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates and
dishes. Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. I was immediately
escorted to the hotel doctor. "What happened?" he asked. "Attacked by a
flying saucer," I replied. (Terry Evans)
I was just walking down the street one day when I was clubbed over the
head, shoved into a VW Microbus by several illegal mexicans, and finally
dumped in the streets in Tijuana. When I finally made it back home and
everyone wanted to know what happened, I only replied "I was abducted by
aliens". (Brad Williams0
A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning
her husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" (Venkatesh/ Very Punny)
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket. (Good Jokes)
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of
male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This makes it pretty
easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However,
software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little
strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software
industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the
goods are odd." (Douglas Helsel)
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the
wrong tree!" (Daily Groaner)
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly
woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of
Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to
split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
And, they've been together for so long, too." (Pete Richardson)
Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill
toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went outside to take
the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left the
house, I overheard my daughter saying, "There goes dad again, making
fountains out of mole hills." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Judi, a blonde and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking
at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she
needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband
Jon, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the
ball type?" "No," says Judi, "it's for his underarms." (Naveed)
An aquatic, seaweed-eating mammal named Hugh began swimming very close
to a man's waterfront property. The man tried to get rid of the creature
by clubbing it, but he was arrested. In court, the man's lawyer argued
that assault against a marine mammal is not an offense. The judge
disagreed, however, stating that "this is a crime against Hugh manatee."
(Lederer & Ertner)
As a dental hygenist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By
the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live
up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart
lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father explained to me that
his daughter kept going on about my intelligence until he finally asked
her what she was basing her opinion on. The little girl replied to her
father, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
(Training 2 Laugh)
Give me a sentence about a public servant; said a teacher. The small boy
wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked. "Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a
child" (Coop's Jokes)
Then there was the time my cousin and I went to a local pancake house.
This place served real vermont maple syrup but charged you extra for it.
We took a trip to the supermarket and bought our own bottle. Not wanting
to get caught, we were forced to pass it between us syrupticiously. (Bruce)
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find the Rev from
the Mudville Church who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new
children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can.""To be
sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls,
or one of each." (Kahan Ho
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group
was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One
morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General
Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight
line with instruments. One of the musicians had also heard the radio
announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When
they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There
was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast.
We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well,
not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"
John did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a
policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were
lost, and he was following his wife's directions. He issued John a
ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife." (Gail S. Angel)
Bob Hope: An autumnal game using a washtub filled with water and apples
played in Bill Clinton's home town. (Gary Hallock)
Support: A place to go ashore for dinner. (Don Kirkman)
Scabbard:: A non-union poet (Stan Kegel)
Inbred: Best way to eat salami. (Lexicon)
Gynecologist: A private's investigator (Lexicon)
Restaurant: Where people are happy when they're fed up. (Stan Kegel)
Paratroopers - A couple of old vaudevillians (Cynthia MacGregor)
Icicle: An eavesdropper. (Lexicon)
Lox and Bagels: Birds hovering at each end of the Panama Canal. (Stan Kegel)
Hangnail: A coat hook. (Lexicon)
Lambaste: An essential step in roasting mutton (Cynthia MacGregor)
Royalty: Served to her Majesty with crumpets. (Keith Martin)
Spiking: Head of the C. I. A. (Stan Kegel)
Portends: When you hire a homeless guy to watch your car.(Gary Hallock)
Trainee: One who rests beverages on one's main leg joint. (Puns Defined)
Spokesperson: One who repairs bicycle wheels. (Tim Bruening)
Tutor: One who plays a brass or woodwind instrument. (Phil Hudson)
Iceberg: A kind of permanent wave. (Lexicon)
Tablespoon: what you use to eat a table. (Scot Nelson)
Royal Blood: Blue genes (Stan Kegel)
Derided: What the cowboy is after he is thrown from the bull. (Gary Hallock)
"The Hokey Pokey" by William Shakespeare:
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
Mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! a wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessid dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the Poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
(By Jeff Brechlin)
A shy piece of celery, named Walker
Truly bored Bloody Mary, a talker
Once she'd told him goodbye
He'd still sneak around and spy
For he was, by his nature, a stalker
Do you of indoor golf know the source ?
Must be different from golf perforce.
Can one play holes nine?
Brood I, since I saw sign -
'Remove shoes before you inter course !
A randy young fellow named Yates
Went out drinking and searching for mates
But the girls in the bars
Had the worst acne scars
And the guy just abhors pitted dates
When the temp reached a hundred two
My wife's yearning for snow cones grew.
"Why'd you buy only one?"
My wife asked. I said, "Hon,
'Cause I only have ice for you."
(Foot Long Hot Dog)
A young manicurist named Gail
Fell in love with a dentist named Dale
They might still be together
Were they birds of a feather
But they constantly fought tooth and nail
"I like the way I look wearing my new Wonder Bra," Sue upliftingly
pointed out. (Stan Kegel)
"I've stuffed a torch into that old bongo and tossed it up into the
crawl space." said Tom with a flair for the dramatic. (Gary Hallock)
"I wish I would have used architectural shingles instead of cedar
shake." Tom moaned ruefully. (Tiff Wimberly)
"Global warning is escalating!" Tom said heatedly. (PANews)
"We were delayed in shipping the fuel for the Moon Landings again," Tom
related apologetically. (Stan Kegel)
"Henry the Eighth weighed over 300 pounds!" Tom stated unthinkingly.
"Donald Duck lost his girl," Tom said lackadaisically. (PANews)
"Enough of your fairy tales," Tom said grimly. (PANews)
“I’m can’t help thinking about about the number of students not
attending class,” Tom professed absentmindedly. (Stan Kegel)
“I composed a lot of poetry while in prison,” Tom said conversely. (PANews)
"Since I stopped smoking, I gained thirty pounds," said Tom wastefully.
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
The emcee on "The Newlywed Game" asked the husbands what size bed they
had in the bridal suite on their honeymoon. One of the new grooms
confidently blurted out, "A double bed and I know I'm right because we
were so used to a king-size bed" which made the bride hide her face
during the rest of the program. (Kermit Schafer)
ONLY RAIN WILL CURE DROUGHT (Richard Lederer)
Newspaper story: The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but
city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished. (JoLene)
STUDENTS AT COLLEGES GROW OLDER (Richard Lederer)
SPORTSCASTER: The half-back takes a pitchout and is immediately hit
behind the line of scrimmage by a crunching, vicious tackle. It's a
fumble and there are a couple of loose balls on the field. (Kermit
NEWSCASTER: It is the opinion of many observers, that in handling the
situation, the President hit the bull's eye on the nose. (Kermit
EXTINCT ANIMALS MAY LOSE PROTECTION (Richard Lederer)
Station break: "We will return to the third half of the Virginian in a
moment." (Kermit Schafer)
CHILDBIRTH IS BIG STEP TO PARENTHOOD (Richard Lederer)
A BBC radio announcer apparently had too much holiday spirit, with the
following result : "We now hear Deck Your Balls With Halls of Helly . .
. Deck Your Bells With Balls of Holly . . . er . . . a Christmas
selection." (Kermit Schafer)
STUDY FINDS SEX, PREGNANCY LINK (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
“Do you like to lie on the sand and look up at the stars? “
“I’d rather lie on the stars and look down on the sand!” (Bob Hope)
If bikinis become any skimpier, women will have two more cheeks to
powder and more hair to comb. (Bob Hope)
A worm was crawling over a railroad track and a train came along and cut
off his tail. He turned around to see what had happened and a second
wheel came along and cut off his head. The moral of this story? Never
lose your head over a piece of tail (Haust Javeri) .
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two ton pickup..(Andrew Garcia)
"There's nothing really wrong with you," the doctor told his patient.
"You're just sexually frustrated. Go out tonight, find a woman, and have
yourself a good time." The patient promised he would. That night he
found a responsive professional. When the activity was finished, she
said: "That will be one hundred dollars, sir." The guy was shocked. "Oh,
no," he said, "you don't understand. This was done on doctor's orders."
"That's fine, but I still have to get paid," the girl insisted. "I
know," he explained, "but I've got Blue Cross." (Archives)
Rubber overshoes: How to turn on a woman with a foot fetish. (Gary Hallock)
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they
had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well,
after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the
middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw
her husband was holding a dildo. She gets all upset. "You impotent
bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her
straight in the eyes and says, calmly... " I'll explain the dildo if you
explain the kids." (Knight Craft)
What do tofu and vibrators have in common?
They're both meat substitutes..(Andrew Garcia)
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his
dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers,
lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your
Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not
looking to screw me." (Dosti Yaari)
Did you hear about the hooker who specialized in bondage?
She was always strapped for cash..(Andrew Garcia)
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married
couples is doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls
over and plays dead... (LOL Lewd Lines)
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. (Woody Allen)
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July
16th last, at approximately 11:45 pm, in the locale known generally as
'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes,"
whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that
occasion, to your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh
no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy
Mercedeses." (Training 2 Laugh)
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
There was a robbery in Greenwich Village today, and a detective chased
the robber and shot and killed him. The thief was lying in the street
dead, and there was a crowd standing there looking on. A gay man walked
past and said. "What's going on here? Why is there a dead man in the
street?" Another man said, "Well this guy got killed by a dick. "And the
gay man said, "Wow, what a way to go!" (Patricia)
"When he finally figures out my punch line he's going to crap in his
boxers," said Gary undeterred. (Gary Hallock)
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her
best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on
the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off
a finger!" "My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
What's the difference between snow peas and chick peas?
A guy can write his name with snow peas but a chick peas sitting down.
(Foot Long Hot Dog)
Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed
a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a
peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing.
Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him. The next
day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some
kind of faggot or something?" Johnnie replies: "No. My mother told me
that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at
anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in
that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!" (Trevor Bain)
What is a seminal vesicle?
An Everglades boat. (Richard Lederer)
Bob and Sue were married for five years and sex was becoming routine and
boring. "Look," said Bob, "if you don't put some more action into it in
the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff." "Listen,
Romeo," said Sue, "if you could somehow manage just a teensy inch or two
more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!" (Mr. Naughty)
What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it does
not come, you're fucked. (Coop’s Jokes)
In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man who got his manhood
stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities his relationship
with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't want any
attachments. (Jay Leno)
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder
in bed. The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and
listened to the girl moan for a bit. The second one went in and the girl
screamed a little bit harder. When the third one went in, the girl
SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and
wet replied "I simply used my head". (William Brabant)
What do you call the fear of getting raped by 3 guys?
Tryst a dick a phobia. (Gary Hallock)
A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise
ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band,
Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or
I'll throw you overboard! It's up to you... either sync or swim." (Foot
Long Hot Dog)
What is Dingo sex?
It is when you drink too much and your old boy, it dingo hard and it
dingo in. (Dear Bruce)
With all the spam going around about Penile Enlargement, I was thinking
that such a surgical procedure would lead to a condition that could be
described by what pun on a common soda pop name?
"Doctored Pecker". (Clynch Varnadore)
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Linda goes to the gynecologist. "Doctor," she says, "my husband and I
have been trying for months to have a baby. I just don't know whats
wrong." With a reassuring smile the doctor said, "Lets see what we can
do about that. Why don't you just get undressed and lie down on the
table." "All right," Linda said, "but I would have preferred to have my
husband's baby." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.(Andrew Garcia)
A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs. He arranges for a
hooker to be sent to his room. When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid
my Finnish isn't too good." The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all
that hot either." (Gag-O-Matic)
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted
condom? (Foot Long Hot Dog)
It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you
were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said
masturbate! (Curly David)
franks for the memories