Specialty Puns of the Weak 05-12-04
Stan Kegel
What: The 27th Annual O Henry Pun-Off World Championships
When: May 15, 2004 - Noon - 5pm (Saturday!)
Where: Wooldridge Park, downtown Austin, TX (9th at Guadalupe)
Admission Free
Who: Friends of the O Henry Museum / Austin Parks & Recreation Dept.
Why: Jest for a wordy cause!
Website: www.PunPunPun.com
DAFFYNITIONS
Harmony - Causing injury to your leg joint (Cynthia MacGregor)
Groupie : Scheduled bus stop to empty your bladder (Stan Kegel)
Gastric: How the hooker got her tank filled. (Ken Pinkham)
Hebrew: Because he likes a cup of tea before temple. (Jason Dias)
Hammock: Imitation pork made of tofu (Stan Kegel)
Hard work: Being a male porn star (Jason Dias)
Game: To pretend to be homosexual (Cynthia MacGregor)
Granulate: What you say to a tardy grandmother. (Ken Pinkham)
Booby trap: when you notice a girl's chest and end up getting married.
(Douglas Drill)
Ghetto: Why you call AAA to have your car moved after an accident (Stan
Kegel)
Homogeneous: Very smart gay. (Ken Pinkham)
Jonquil: Jonathan's pen (Cynthia MacGregor)
Equilibrium: identical amounts of the same tranquilizer. (Doug Drill)
Hiccough: What hayseeds do to a nice neighborhood (Jason Dias)
Holler: A Jewish egg bread (Cynthia MacGregor)
Hymen: Stoned males (Stan Kegel)
Electrocute: A pretty or charming electrical device. (Doug Drill)
Hexagon: The witch canceled her spell. (Ken Pinkham)
Gas: a lower-intestinal condition resulting from eating rich foods. Gas,
thus, is very expensive. (Jason Dias)
Graham: Slice of meat left unrefrigerated for a week. (Stan Kegel)
Gruesome: How the seniors got their medical marijuana. (Ken Pinkham)
Engraving: digging holes for interment in cemeteries. (Doug Drill)
Gargle: the favored mouthwash of geese. (Jason Dias)
VERBAL ABUSE
House: HOUSE about a dance? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Metal: Have you METAL the new students yet? (Stan Kegel)
Brawl: as in, "If you lose any more weight , your BRAWL fall off!" (Stan
Kegel)
Sari: Please forgive me. I'm SARI I yelled at you. (Archives)
Bonaparte: I didn't finish my dinner because I can't get this BONAPARTE.
(Douglas Drill)
Jewish: When you saw the first star of the evening, what did JEWISH for?
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Gallon: Take a look at that GALLON the diving board. (Stan Kegel)
Emboss: "I want you peons to remember that I EMBOSS." (Doug Drill)
Elephantiasis: "This is impossible! I know that your sister was found bound
and gagged in the elephant's quarters, but how could an ELEPHANTIASIS.²
(Doug Drill)
Ingest: Don¹t take it so seriously. I only meant it INGEST. (Stan Kegel)
Gramaphone: Did GRAMAPHONE me while I was out? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Jubilation: When little Willie Chang enrolled in Hebrew school his friends
started calling him "JUBILATION." (Gary Hallock)
Calypso: ³When you cut his hair, this time be sure you don¹t CALYPSO much
off the top.² (Stan Kegel)
Fizzle: Be careful how you drink your soda or the FIZZLE go up your nose.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Emptiness: The Commissioner said to the head of the AL Capone task force,
"So you came back EMPTINESS (Doug Drill)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"This Mini-iPod must be considered the product of the year, " Tom applauded.
(Stan Kegel)
"The youth of today is impolite," said Tom routinely. (Jason Dias)
"I decided which car to purchase after looking at the pictures," said Tom
autobiographically. (Fun With Words
"Is she charged with emasculating her husband?" demanded Tom
negatively. (Jason Dias)
"Don't add too much water," said Tom with great concentration. (Stan Kegel)
"I can lick anyone in this house," said the friendly puppy. (Myke
Ashley-Cooper)
"Would you like some soda?" asked Tom caustically. (Fun With Words)
"This wool is pretty low quality," she said sheepishly. (Paul Dickson)
"Get to the back of the boat," Tom said sternly. (Laurie Ann Poole)
"There seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse,"
said Tom aloofly. (Fun With Words)
"The first three forks, go to the left," Tom said forthrightly. (Stan Kegel)
"Hurry up and take my picture," Tom snapped. (Paul Dickson)
"You make me feel like a king," Tom said with a leer. (Laurie Ann Poole)
"That is a sick bird," said Tom illegally. (Lederer & Ertner)
"I can see the Greek woodland deity is no more," Tom said with a deadpan
expression. (Fun With Words)
"The power is out in the entire neighborhood," Tom delightedly burst out.
(Stan Kegel)
"I'm waiting to see the doctor," said Tom patiently. (Paul Dickson)
"I just shot a quartet of grizzlies," Tom said forebearingly. (Laurie Ann
Poole)
"Ein, zwei, drei, fünf," said Tom fearlessly. (Fun With Words)
MONDEGREENS
We are ancient Sophocles (We are agents of the free) R. E. M. "Orange Crush"
(Gavin Edwards)
400 children and a grump in the field (Four hungry children and a crop in
the field) Kenny Rogers "Lucille" (Pat & John Chevalier)
Living on toast and wine (Living on Tulsa Time) Country song (Jim Wilson)
I've got my man scent on you (I've got my mind set on you) George Harrison
"Get My Mind Set On You" (Gavin Edwards)
One nation, under guard (One nation, under God) Pledge of Allegiance (Karla
Butler from her daughter in kindergarden)
With a light through the night from a bulb. (with a light through the night
from above) Francis Scott Key "Star Spangled Banner" (Susan Wallace)
The question to everyone's answer is usually aspirin with gin (The question
to everyone's answer is usually asked from within) The Steve Miller Band
"Jungle Love" (Gavin Edwards)
Reverend Blue Jeans (Forever in blue jeans) Neil Diamond "Forever in Blue
Jeans" (Sylvia Quittman & Phil Luke)
Tried to give you constipation (Tried to give you consolation) Darek and the
Dominoes ³Layla² (Gavin Edwards)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
"We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish inside us." (William
Spooner when he meant to say, "Half-formed wish.")
"The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china." (ArcaMax)
My 6 year old neice asked me how to spell, "subpoena"? When I asked her how
the word was used, she said, "You know how all the stories start, 'one
subpoena time'." (Cal Bellwood)
My dictation for 'search and seizure" came back as "Surgeon seizure" and
"Paratrooper" came back as "Parrot Trooper" (Ken Moore)
"The old revival hymn, 'Shall We Rather At the Giver?'" (William Spooner)
"The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china." (ArcaMax)
It would be a great help towards keeping the churchyard in good order if
others would follow the example of others who clip the grass on their own
graves. (Richard Lederer)
If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop
them. (Yogi Berra)
Menu item: Grilled Garlic Sausage with sweat & sour red cabbage Š 6.95
(Steve Harvey)
And now a girl who is one of the bust pepiteers in the business! (While
introducing Sheri Lewis) (Johnny Carson)
Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited
regularly by the clergy. (Gail S. Angel)
"Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather." (ArcaMax)
Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded. (Yogi Berra)
"She joins this club over my bed doddy." (William Spooner)
"The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers." (ArcaMax)
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but
one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. (Gail S. Angel)
"The Lord is a shoving leopard." (William Spooner)
"Modern dancing is old fashioned." (Samuel Goldwyn)
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." (Yogi Berra)
Here's how to relieve an upsex stomach ... I mean an upset stomach with Sex
Lax ... Ex-lax! (Johnny Carson)
I was watching my local television news show when I heard the anchorman
opine that the troubles in Iraq could have been avoided with better
planning. "After all," he said, "it's not rocket surgery." (Gail S. Angel)
"The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle." (ArcaMax)
CHIASMS AND OXYMORONS
Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting
that is felt rather than seen. (Leonardo da Vinci)
The obscure we always see sooner or later; the obvious always seems to take
a little longer. (Edward R. Murrow)
Anything free costs twice as much in the long run or turns out worthless
(Robert A. Heinlein)
"I cannot choose the best. The best chooses me. (Rabindranath Tagore)
It's not who votes that counts. It's who counts the votes. (Josif Stalin)
Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you
can stop people talking. (Clement Attlee)
In death the many become one; in life the one become many. (Rabindranath
Tagore)
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water. (Franklin P. Jones)
We've always known that it's hard to keep a good man down. What is less
well-recognized but equally true is that it's hard to keep a down man good.
(Mardy Grothe)
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
(Wayne W. Dyer)
I preach that there are all kinds of truth: your truth and someone else's.
But behind all of them there is only one truth and that is that there's no
truth. (Flannery O'Conner)
If you listen carefully, you get to hear everything you didn't want to hear
in the first place. (Sholem Aleichem)
I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure. (
John D. Rockefeller, Sr.)
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on
friendship. ( John D. Rockefeller, Jr.)
We learn from experience that man never learns anything from experience
(George Bernard Shaw)
"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence
is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a
different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does
exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist." (Donald
Rumsfeld)
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. (Robert Benchley)
It is our farewell performance, and I hope the first of many. (Garrison
Keillor)
Life is too important to be taken seriously (Oscar Wilde)
I¹m an atheist and I thank God for it. (George Bernard Shaw)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
" The Son Also Rises": the biography of George dubya. (Norm S.)
"Swingin' In The Rain": Outdoor orgy is undeterred by inclement weather
(Cynthia MacGregor)
"Fear Of Frying": Erika Jong's hot new diet book. (Gary Hallock)
The Cash-in of the Christ: Mel Gibson's get rich quick movie. (Ken Pinkham)
The Won Ton Future King: A royal fellow makes a killing speculating in stock
options on Chinese food. (Gary Hallock)
Refusing to work on February 2nd, a woodchuck claims it's not his holiday.
Elvis answers "You Ain't Nothin' But a Groundhog." (Cynthia MacGregor)
"Vanity Fare": An expose of plastic surgery pricing. (Norm S.)
Outside a second-hand shop in Bath: We exchange anything -- bicycles,
washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
bargain? (Richard Lederer)
Against All Enemas: Richard Clarke's book about constipation in the White
House. (Ken Pinkham)
Carroll O'Connor steps on a scale and finds he's gained 20 lbs, which seem
to have settled totally in his buttocks
All in the Fanny (Cynthia MacGregor)
"For whom the Belles Toil": A novel about the owner of a Memphis brothel.
(Norm S.)
Chattanooga builder finds a new, stronger way to construct the interior of
buildings, and his product becomes celebrated in song:
"Tennessee Walls." (Cynthia MacGregor)
"The Wizard of bras": the story of the founder of Victoria's Secret.
(Norm S.)
Three Mennonites, Baby: Austin Powers has sexy adventures in Pennsylvania
Dutch country. (Gary Hallock)
Ad: "Paint your truck for the price of a car" (Harvey Geller)
Yul Brenner as a far eastern king who was into esoteric sex:
The Kink and I (Cynthia MacGregor)
"The old Man and the high C": the saga of an aging tenor. (Norm S.)
The Happy Cooker: Sexy recipes including raunch dressing and Hollander-ass
sauce. (Gary Hallock)
CURMUDGEONS AND QUOTES
The liberals can undersand everything but people who don't understand them.
(Lennie Bruce)
For certain people over the age of fifty, litigation takes the place of sex
(Gore Videl)
It is always best to tell the truth unless, of course, you are an
exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
"I played golf today. I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio
and one over a swimming pool." (George Brett)
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at
it. (Jimmy Demaret)
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and Profanity. (Gordie
Howe)
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they can't be separated,
often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes
between them. (Sydney Smith)
Work is much more fun than fun. (Noel Coward)
Remember, the toes you step on today, may be connected to the ass you have
to kiss tomorrow! (Fred Barling)
Credit cards are a great way of spending money you wish you had. (Fred
Barling)
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right. (Arthur
Schopenhauer)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell
me what you know." (Sandy Sibert)
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing. (Sandy Sibert)
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!! (Sandy Sibert)
Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary. .(Sandy Sibert)
Remember to never split an infinitive. (Sandy Sibert)
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice. (Sandy
Sibert)
Why did the small-arms expert cross the road?
To get to the other side-arm. (Jason Dias)
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side. (Jason Dias)
Why did each tanner cross the road?
To get to the others' hide. (Jason Dias)
Why did Gary Larson cross the road?
To get to the Far Side. (Jason Dias)
Why did the butcher cross the floor?
To get to the other side of beef. (Jason Dias)
Why did the killjoy cross the road?
To get to the ardorcide (Gary Hallock)
It's so cold that I actually feel like listening to the politicians. That's
how desperate I am for some hot air. (Owen Lorion)
It's so cold that I found a burglar stuck to my front window. It turns out
that my neighbor had spotted the burglar, yelled 'Freeze!' and he did! (Owen
Lorion)
It's so cold that my pipes froze. All of them. My windpipe, my tailpipe.
(Owen Lorion)
Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease !
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker ! (Archives)
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring !
(Archives)
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all
about it !
Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know ?, I haven't told you what¹s wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window !
(Archives)
"Waiter, come here quick! There's a spider in my soup!" "Let me have that
sir. I'll be back in a minute." A Few minutes later, the waiter came back
with a bowl of soup. "Hey, waiter, this is the same bowl of soup! And the
spider is still swimming in it!" "Oh, I was only borrowing it for a while -
you see, sir, the lady at the other table complained about a fly." (John
Nunley)