Puns of the Weak 09-20-04
Stan Kegel
THE ONE-LINERS
What do you say to a chicken before they go on stage?
:"Break an egg!" (Daily Groaner)
I'm in real trouble. First my laundry called and said they lost my shirt.
Then my broker said the same thing. (Leopold Fechtman)
Success is relative. the greater the success, the more relatives (Caboom).
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do so much better."
What did he say after he created woman?
"Guess I was wrong!" (Maxi Ma)
Windows is a pane in the glass! (All-Adult Humor)
When the escalator was invented, it was a step in the right direction. (Pun
of the Day)
My friend's date ended before it even began when he told the woman she
looked radiant. How was he supposed to know she was from Chernobyl?
(Charlotte)
My wife's as cold as marble. She says I take her for granite. (Anne Kostick)
People are always calling me a hypochondriac, and let me tell you, it makes
me sick. (Anne Kostick)
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae
with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one
temperature, ma'am." (Tom & Carol)
When Dad didn't help with the carpet cleaning, Mom was steaming. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
There was an unscheduled dustup in a Bagdad harem one day long ago. The
sultan barged in unexpectedly and his sixty-two wives let out a terrified
sheik (Bennett Cerf) .
I find it ironic that when I went to confession to seek forgiveness for my
vodka-drinking problem, the priest offered me Absolution. (Brad Simanek)
The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate. (Pun of
the Day)
He learned to blow the Shofar under the tootelage of an experienced person.
(David Grossman)
A two-hundred-pound lady always insists she's on a diet, though none has
ever spotted her observing it. Her husband calls her "the wishful shrinker."
(Bennett Cerf)
He became a chronic liar because he had a myth conception. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
My girl friend invited me to dinner last night. It was a romantic
candlelight affair. So when she fell backwards onto the table I shouted:
"Be careful, You'll burn your end at both candles!"
Goliath was surprised when David hit him with a stone because such a thing
never entered his head before. (Robert Margolin)
A poker shark once had an extraordinary run of big hands and was smart
enough to quit before his luck changed. "Not another hand, gentlemen," he
announced firmly, as he cashed in his chips. "I intend to fold my tens and
silently steal away.!" (Bennett Cerf)
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have trouble choking down the pills I have to take for controlling
my cholesterol, but it's a lot easier now that I wrap them in bacon. (Brad
Simanek)
The pupils were assigned the task of writing an essay titled "The Most
Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw". One of the students finished his essay in less
than a minute. He wrote,"The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too
beautiful for words." (Humor Express)
Frank Sinatra once engaged a chef freshly imported from Bombay, but after
serving the same menu six nights running, he was discharged. Explained
Sinatra, "This was one poor guy who got fired for favoring curry." (Bennett
Cerf)
How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
"I give up." (Fred Barling)
In this morning's newspaper was the weekly SPCA shelter ad, promoting a
mixed Labrador Retriever and Golden Retriever. I looked at the photo --
quite a fetching combination. (Bob Dvorak)
Did you know that a number of hotels are not allowing pregnant women to book
reservations with them? They call it the "No womb at the inn" policy.
(Sally Rosoff)
She took lots of crunchy foods to her radio interview, for the sound bites.
(Pun of the Day)
QUOTES
I think that I'd much prefer to be caught out in my birthday suit than a
paternity suit any day! (Murray Farrell)
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one. (Joan DeGrave)
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. (George
Kaufman)
"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good at
what he did." - (Bobby Slayton)
Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government job. (Milton Freeman)
I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as
women. (Bernard Manning)
Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy
stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside. (Haust
Javeri)
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the
kind of chick he marries. (Joan DeGrave)
How do I love cheese? Let me count the wheys! (Damian Krebs)
There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man, so long as you don't
consider the job finished too soon. (Don & Sara Probasco)
Beer: It doesn't make the women I take home -- it makes the women I take
home look better. (Brad Simanek)
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. (Dolly Parton)
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt
that he forgets his sugar. (Joan DeGrave)
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? (Abraham Lincoln)
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
(Marty Dee)
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life. (Brooke Shields)
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important. (Bertrand Russell)
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. (Joan
DeGrave)
[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. (George Bush)
I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch. (Gilda Radner)
Romance is strictly a matter of timing -- the girl has to give in just
before the guy gives up. (Fred Barling)
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. (Mark Twain)
Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a
group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they
would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display
any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in
Dallas on the grassy knoll, not that I wish to start rumors. (Dave Barry)
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still
sleep with their wives! (Maxi Ma)
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept
up. (Joan DeGrave)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
An author wrote a biography of Clara Barton and wanted to publish it with a
clever punny title. Unfortunately the estate of W. Somerset Maugham
objected. What was the proposed title?
Of Humane Bandage (Gary Hallock)
If George Orwell had written about the Roaring Twenties, what would he have
called nightclubs and bars?
Doublespeakeasies (Stan Kegel)
What do many big companies have in common with certain religious church
groups?
They have prophet sharing plans (By Scott Ryan)
As the robber came out of the bank, his partner yelled that the car quit
running and they had to find another. The robber ran into a parking lot and
started bumping cars until he found one which had those alarms that say,
łStep back from the car! Move away from the car!?˛ He smiled and said łThis
is the one we need!˛ What kind of car was it?
A łget away˛ car? (By Clynch Varnadore)
What well known book by Charles might be subtitled łThe Great Martini
Debate?˛
Olive or twist (By Lars Hanson)
The important letter she was reading as she ate fell from her balcony and
fluttered toward the canal below. She was about to lose it! At the last
minute, she reached out and speared it with her fork, averting a disaster.
What did she exclaim?
I caught it just in tine! (By Cynthia MacGregor)
What piece of gymnastic equipment may be found on both sides of skid row?
Parallel Bars (Gary Hallock)
Automobile manufacturers know that the day of the week a body is made
determines its safety. For example, cars produced on Friday are most likely
to have construction failures with Mondays not far behind. The safest cars
are made on the second day of work each week after recovering from the
weekend but before boredom and fatigue sets in. Because of this automobile
frames constructed at that time are known throughout the industry as:
Tuesday Welds (Stan Kegel
When a boy asked his dad where the best place in the world to hunt deer was,
what was the fatherŚs answer?
In Venice, son (venison) (Scott Ryan)
How could you make a single statement that applies both to your drunken
ancestors and a couple of hotheads who were out for revenge?
They were loaded forbears (By Gary Hallock)
A certain location identified by a red square contains an edifice known to
be inhabited by spirits called?
Kremlins. (Bob Dvorak)
Jehovah reflected upon what he had accomplished the past six days and was
not satisfied. How did he spend the next day?
In Re-creation (By Stan Kegel)
What did Friar Tuck say when Robin Hood asked him if heŚd like to eat dinner
now?
łSherwood!˛ (By Gary Hallock)
Why was the engaged botanist accused of being a money-hunter?
Because he wanted to marigold. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Who originated the five-day work week?
Robinson Crusoe was able to get all his work done by Friday. (Stan
Kegel)
Given that countryŚs varied culinary heritage, it is only appropriate that
Congress grant China what status recently?
Most flavored nation (By Lars Hanson)
What Bogart film might have been about a Star Trek character hanging around
the food court taunting people?
The Mall Tease Vulcan (Gary Hallock)
Why in today's economy is Christopher Columbus such a good role model?
He got over 3000 miles to the galleon. (Stan Kegel)
During the summer games some idiot in a tutu did a pirouette and jumped into
the pool with the synchronized swimmers. Describe his entry into the water
in terms of dancing and jumping into the pool.
Ballet Flop (Gary Reeves)