Kids Puns of the Weak 06-29-04
Stan Kegel
HOLIDAY PUNS
A number of years back it was observed by funeral directors that the fellows
who carried the caskets all over (the chapel, the church, the cemetery) were
all afflicted with foot problems, probably from carrying that extra weight.
These were called Pall Bunions. (Bob Dvorak)
A teenager in India was something of a loner. On the occasional day off from
school and work, his favorite pastime was to sit under his favorite tree.
This was known as his Pal Banyan Day. (Bob Dvorak)
If you want to go forth on the fifth, don't toss down a fifth on the fourth.
(Marty Gothe)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
How do you make a walnut laugh?
Crack it up! (Neeshe,12)
What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?
We would have a pink carnation (Kids Jokes)
What happened to the mime who went shopping?
He only bought unmentionables. (Tony Thoennes)
What lies on the ground 100 feet in the air?
A centipede on its back! (Alianna, 6)
The police smelled the fumes coming from his car and arrested the winner of
the famous 500 mile auto race. With what was he charged?
Indy-scent exposure (Daily Groaner)
How many bananas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A bunch! (Aubrey, 10)
Can any broad jumper jump higher than a house?
Yes, a house can't jump. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why don't grasshoppers go to baseball games?
They prefer cricket! (Deena, 10)
When is the moon not hungry?
When it is full! (Janae,9)
What do you call a small, green, plastic action figure of a famous Star Wars
hero?
A Toy Yoda. (Archives)
How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots! (Dustin,12)
What holes are not holes?
Knotholes. (Kids Jokes)
Why is swiss cheese served at church?
Because it's holey! (Colin,8)
A lemon and an orange were on a high diving board. The orange jumped, but
the lemon didn't. Why?
The lemon was yellow. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What did the tires say as they went down the hill?
"Wheel see you later!" (Hailey, 8)
What city gets its name from dropping a waffle on the beach?
Sandy Eggo (Daily Groaner)
Where can you play elastic guitar?
In a rubber band! (Samantha, 10)
Why did the man pour veggies all over the world?
He wanted peas on Earth. . (Rosie O'Donnell)
How do you make an egg roll?
Push it! (Heather,13)
Why was the elephant so tired?
His trunk was really heavy to carry each day. (Betty Debnam: Mighty
Funnies)
How did the telephone propose to his girl friend?
He gave her a ring (David, 9)
When is a clock nervous?
When it is all wound up. (Kid's Jokes)
What shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers (Sarah, 7)
Why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the diving board?
It had no guts. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
Never mind. It's way over your head. (Daisy, 12)
What kind of ball makes a lot of noise when you hit it?
A racquetball (Laura, 7)
What did the vampire astronaut say to the aliens?
"Take me to your Bleeder." (Fun World Jokes)
Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?
He was afraid to work without Annette. (Daily Groaner)
Why do mummies make good employees?
Because hey get wrapped up in their work (Deisy, 7)
What do you call a fried chicken sitting on a tight rope?
A balanced meal (Daily Groaner)
Where does burial come before death?
In the dictionary (Stan Kegel)
Why did the man put his head to the grindstone?
To sharpen his wits (Brian, 9)
Why did everyone like to buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
Because they knew she was a medium. (Paul Cooper)
How can you stop fish from smelling ?
Cut off his nose! (Kid's Jokes)
Where do frogs make notes?
On lily pads (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat?
Because he didn't want anyone to harm a hare on his head (Rosie
O'Donnell)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who hangs on the wall?
Art (Potch)
Who wears a black mask and always smells great?
The Cologne Ranger (Daily Groaner)
How did the lumberjack use the computer?
He logged on! (Paige,8)
Why are movie stars so cool?
Because they have many fans! (Finny, 11)
Where do judges go to relax?
To the tennis court. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Did you hear the story about the peacock?
It's a beautiful tail! (Skylar, 12)
What did the laundry man do at the convent?
He picked up dirty habits! (Potch)
What do you call a policeman who never gets out of bed?
An undercover cop! (Kyle, 11)
Why do boxers wear their gloves to bed?
So they can hit the sack! (Tyler, 9)
What has a coat all winter and pants in the summer?
A dog. (Rosie O'Donnell)
What do you call a woman who's afraid of flour-grinding apparatus?
Milldred (Jason Dias)
What do you call a famous archer?
A shooting star! (Ivana,12)
What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution (Daily Groaner)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
A peanut sat on a railroad track,
His heart was all a flutter,
A train came racing down the track,
Toot, toot - peanut butter!
(Renee From Napa)
A sheep dog puppy who likes cantaloupe is a melon collie baby.. (Pun of the
Day)
He couldn't decide whether to accept a job in mattress sales so he decided
to sleep on it. (Mike Bull)
Have you ever heard of the bra manufacturers that went bust? (Joan DeGrave)
A tattle tale pig is a squealer. (Pun of the Day)
When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block (Pun of the Day)
When artists dream in color it's a pigment of their imagination (Pun of the
Day)
A pop singer bought a new house for a song. She had a two-door car and a
Tudor house. The house was on a cliff because she liked to lived on the
edge. The house was landscaped to the left and right, which produced side
effects. But after a long day of music, it was home suite home. (Mike Bull)
Have you heard of the adhesive tape company that got into a sticky
situation? (Joan DeGrave)
A teacher says to the student, "if you had one dollar, and asked your dad
for two more dollars how much money would you have?" "One dollar." says the
student. "Apparently you don't know how to add." "Apparently you don't know
my dad." (Miranda)
Every time I take my toucan to the vet, I come back with a large bill.
(Johann von Haupkopf) .
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre (Pun of
the Day)
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on the door all afternoon.
(Rosie O'Donnell)
Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars. (Mike Bull)
Have you heard of the ice cream vendor who lost his cool? (Joan DeGrave)
The farmer decided to get a cow, and milked the idea for all it was worth.
(Pun of the Day)
Have you heard of the zookeeper who brought out the beast in everyone? (Joan
DeGrave)
A compulsive golfer is a crackputt. (anon.)
A girl had an exam on the human skeleton, so she decided to bone up (Pun of
the Day)
I know a guy who makes ladies' hats featuring characters from the Hundred
Acre Wood. He's a a Milner. I wanted to get into the same business, but my
wife Pooh-Poohed the idea. I knew it would Tigger a minute to think of just
the right thing to say. "I don't mean to be Rooed, but Eeyore not
qualified," she said. She's always very direct; no Piglet-in from my Mrs.
You always Kanga-ette the gist of what she's saying. "Owl-ette you in on a
little secret," I said. When you see an opportunity, grr Rabbit. Always go
straight for the jagular." "Stop talking in circles," she said. "You're
making me Disney." (Jason Dias)
A basketball player and a jockey just robbed the bank. Police are looking
high and low. (Pun of the Day)
The Fruit Loop bird is very good at chess. He took one look at the board and
said, "Toucan play at that game!" (Johann von Haupkopf)
Have you heard of the baker who was short of dough? (Joan DeGrave)
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. (Archives)
Sometimes poetry is averse to me. A judge recited some from the bench
because it was poetic justice. The poet had written better poems, but he'd
also written verse. A backwards poet writes inverse, but a big poet stanza
very tall. Poets who want to go hunting have to get a poetic license. (Mike
Bull)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Vanity Publishing: The customer is always write. (Cornered: Mike Baldwin)
łMy wife and I have been drifting apart.˛ łHow long has this been going on?˛
łEver since we bought the water bed.˛ (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
Sometimes after-dinner speakers talk with more claret than clarity.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Some vacations make you feel poor enough to go back to work. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Love your work. Mix business with pleasure (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Carpet store salesmen let customers walk all over them (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Lying is one thing but inaccuracy is intolerable, (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
The key to success in the shoe business is giving the customers the right
shoes for their needs: What would you suggest for a guy that just announced
his candidacy?" "Running shoes, of course." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
"The usual, Roz" "Why don't you be a little adventurous and try something
different?" "Like what?" "Well, we have a new rap beer." "Rap beer. What's
so different about that?" "It's made with Hip-Hops." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
"Merrily merrily, merrily, merrily, life is a butter dream. (Family Circle:
Jeff & Bill Keane)
"What do you think of euthanasia?" "To be honest, I have no idea. I've never
met any of them." "Who?" "The Youth in Asia." (Pearls Before Swine: Stephan
Pastis)
The key to success in the shoe business is giving the customers the right
shoes for their needs: How about the policy wonk who loves discussing the
issues?" "Platforms!" (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
łIąm going on the 24 Hour Thinking Manąs Diet˛ łHow does it work?˛ łFor 24
hours you think about going on a diet and then you stop thinking about it.˛
(Hager the Horrible: Chris Browne)
Barber to customer: łWhen you lose your hair in front, it means youąre a
great thinker, and if you lose it in the back, it means youąre a great
lover.˛ łWow! Iąm losing it in the front and the back!˛ łOh, well. That just
means you think youąre a great lover.˛ (Flo & Friends: Gibel & Campbell)
Mother: łItąll be okay. You just skinned your knee.˛ Boy: łNo, I think I
unskinned it.˛ (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
Gasoline prices are so high, take-home pay won't get you there (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
Bikerąs tombstone: I wouldnąt be caught dead wearing a helmet. (Non
Sequitur: Wiley)
Don't put all your apples is somebody else's shopping cart. (One Big Happy:
Rick Detone)