Puns of the Weak 10-24-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
The good news is the White House is giving George W Bush intelligence
briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. (David Letterman)
Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be
six weeks before he could be sexually active.
Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.
Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Howard Dean called with a get well message.
Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery.
BiIl Clinton called Mrs. Kerry. (Sandy J. Singer)
In California this week, grocery clerks have gone on strike. That means for
the second time in two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job." (Jimmy Fallon)
Grocery workers in Los Angeles are still on strike. Sackers say they will
treat scabs like loaves of bread. They will be crushed. (Alan Ray)
Queen Elizabeth asked her lawyers to look at the European Union
constitution that Tony Blair wants to sign. She doesn't like it. They say
as California goes, so goes the rest of the world, but she hasn't lived
this long to submit to German rule. (Argus Hamilton)
Bush told his senior aides on Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any
stories" quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and
if he did, there would be consequences, a senior administration official
who asked that his name not be used told Knight Ridder. (Joseph L. Galloway
and James Kuhnhenn)
Frankly discussing his addiction to painkillers, conservative talk-show
host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of
OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton
Administration." "Friends, all I can say is 'I told you so,'" said
Limbaugh, from an undisclosed drug-treatment facility. "Were it not for
Bill Clinton's loose policies on drug offenders and his rampant immorality,
I would not have found myself in this predicament." Limbaugh added that
he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals. (Lee
Daniel Quinn)
A group of U.S. priests is petitioning the Vatican to allow marriage in the
clergy. There could be legal problems with such unions. To wed in most
states, a spouse must be at least 18. (Alan Ray)
He just woke up from a six month coma. I told him the Cubs won their
division, Russ Linbaugh is being investigated on a drug charge, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger is Governor of California, and now he thinks he’s
hallucinating (Carol’s Humor)
Egyptian law scholar Nabel Hilmi told a weekly newspaper in Cairo that he
and other Switzerland-based expatriates are preparing a lawsuit against
"all the Jews in the world" for the "trillions of tons" of gold and jewelry
that Jews swiped during their exodus from Egypt in the time of the
Pharoahs. (News_of_the_weird)
Howard Dean spoke in Howard County, Iowa, Wednesday, keeping a promise to
speak in all ninety-nine counties. Iowans hate to see this end. When the
candidates go home next year the farmers will have to go back to
fertilizing the crops themselves. (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush has picked Utah governor Mike Leavitt as his new EPA chief.
The White House has the same stance on the environment as it does on race.
Air quality should not be based on color. (Alan Ray)
Iraq has new currency. They were going to put George W. Bush’s photo on the
front. But they were afraid other countries wouldn’t accept it at face
value. (Alan Ray)
Marlon Brando announced today that he will reprise his role as The
Godfather. He will star in a sequel featuring a plot to whack a noted labor
leader. They made him an Hoffa he can't refuse. (Rose Katz)
The FDA has approved the new anti-impotence drug Levitra. The makers
predict a price war. They hope to give Viagra some stiff competition. (Alan Ray)
Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi served President Bush a dinner of
famous Kobe beef. The cows are fed beer and given massages to make them
more tender. College football coaches who have tried this regimen also
wound up being dead meat. (Argus Hamilton)
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you
better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38. (David Letterman)
Bush's approval rating has risen to 56%, the stock market is up, the
economy is doing better. See, that's the good thing about these baseball
playoffs. Bush is so distracted, he can't screw anything up. (Jay Leno)
Pamela Anderson accused KFC of cruelty for using hormones to enlarge
chicken breasts. Can't we all just get along? If the chickens don't have
any problem with Pamela Anderson, why should Pamela Anderson have any
problem with the chickens? (Argus Hamilton)
Ben and J. Lo are back together, and she's wearing her engagement ring. You
have to feel bad for J. Lo - never the bridesmaid, always the bride. (Craig Kilborn)
The Florida Marlins hosted the New York Yankees in the World Series in
Miami Tuesday. The place was packed. It's the biggest baseball moment in
Florida since Opening Day three years ago when Janet Reno was on hand to
throw out Elian Gonzalez. (Argus Hamilton)
Karl Malone took a cut in pay to play for the Los Angeles Lakers. He's sort
of like Vanessa Bryant. He'll agree to anything just to get a ring. (Alan Ray)
Rodney King was arrested again last week by the Los Angeles police. This
man requires medical attention. Rodney King has seen red and blue flashing
lights so many times in his rear-view mirror he needs to be hospitalized
for Disco Fever. (Argus Hamilton)
Liza Minnelli was sued Monday by her estranged husband, who said the singer
drank two quarts of vodka every day of their marriage. She just idolizes
Dean Martin. When he died, he was cremated and it took Red Adair eleven
days to put out the fire. (Argus Hamilton)
With the quality of education declining in the US, and even colleges
turning out semi-literate idiots, I understand the IRS is considering a new
simplified tax form where all you have to do is color it in. (Gag-O-Matic)
A post office in South Carolina has found a vial of the poison Ricin. This
is an extremely odd occurrence. The words "post office" and "found" used in
the same sentence. (Alan Ray)
HALLOWEEN PUNS
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone. (The Daily Giggle)
Why can't you see the invisible man's mother and father?
They're trans-parents (Gary Hallock)
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up. (Gary Hallock)
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with. (Trinitty)
What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed (Lederer & Swanson).
What did one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
Lets stop in for a cool one. (Bree Schultz)
Where do vampires keep their money?
In blood banks. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What computer software would a witch need to use if she wants to place a
hex on a taxicab?
A spell checker (Gary Hallock)
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They all come out at night. (Trinitty)
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi. (Norman Gilbert)
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures. (Trinitty)
Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
He couldn't resistor (Gary Hallock)
What is the best thing about a hotel for witches?
It has great broom service (Tei, 8)
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin. (Joke of the Day)
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches ! (Bruce)
How do ghosts begin letters?
Tomb it may concern... (Bree Schultz)
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates. (Trinitty)
What kind animal do you not want to play cards with
Cheetahs & sharks (Gary Hallock)
What kind of cars do an undertaker and his wife drive?
His'n hearse (Gary Hallock)
What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains?
Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (Gary Hallock)
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs. (Joke of the Day)
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job. (Joke of the Day)
ow do we know that the mummy was an egotist?
He was all wrapped up in himself. (Gary Hallock)
Why did the invisible Man look in the mirror?
To see if he wasn’t there (Bobby, 11)
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred! (Bruce)
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them. (Joke of the Day)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do you call a line of fish eggs manning the oars of a craft?
Roe row rows your boat! (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why isn’t a nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot (Eleny, 11)
What can you say about someone who drives at 60 m.p.h. while on a cell phone?
He’s talking a mile a minute (Stan Kegel)
Did you hear about the cabdriver who was fired?
He was driving customers away. (Mike Benny)
Why did the guy remove his doorbell?
To win a no-bell prize! (Daily Groaner)
Why are movie stars so cool?
Because they have many fans! ( Finny,11)
Why can’t a Dalmatian hide from its mother?
Because it is always spotted. (Kevin, 8)
What did the man say to the clothes?
You don’t suit me (Max, 7)
What kind of fence goes on strike?
A picket fence. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
Because he had to work overtime. (Bobby, 11)
What would you get if you crossed a stereo and a refrigerator?
Very cool music. (Kids Jokes)
Did you hear about the absent-minded musician?
He finally left himself notes. (Mike Benny)
Why do we say "amen" and not "awomen?"
Because we sing "hymns," not "hers." (Kids Jokes)
Why was night baseball invented?
Because bats like to sleep in the daytime (Yahooligans)
Where do mice keep their boats?
At the hickory, dickory dock. (Archives)
Why was the shoe unhappy?
Because his father was a loafer and his mother a sneaker. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What happens when the police take a burglar’s fingerprints?
They leave a bad impression (Angel, 10)
Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones. (Syman Hirsch)
Where do Eskimos keep their money?
In snowbanks. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Did you hear about the artist with a poor memory?
He kept drawing a blank. (Mike Benny)
Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Use deduct, defeat, defense, and detail in a sentence.
"De feet of de duck get under de fence before de tail." (Daily Groaner)
Why did the lady spray her clock?
Because it had ticks! (Morgan, 6)
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Justin (Cris, 11)
Why was the amoeba prison so small?
Because it only had one cell. (Daily Groaner)
What did the duck say when he'd finished shopping?
Put it on my bill please (Yahooligans)
Teacher: “Order, children, order!”
Johnny: “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries’ (Bobby, 11)
“I’ve been seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
“Have you seen a doctor?”
“No, just spots.” (Rebecca, 11)
COMICS
Unemployment isn’t working (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“Oh, Sphinx, how far can I go into the woods?”
“Halfway. After that you’re going out.” (Mutts: Patrick McDonnell)
Paul Revere was an alarmist (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
No, Ernie. Female chipmunks aren’t called chipnuns (Frank and Ernie: Bob
Thaves)
After some speeches, there is a great awakening (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“Babs, what does ‘queer’ mean?” “It means ‘strange.’” “And what does ‘gay’
mean?” “It means ‘Happy.’” “All those mean guys at school think I’m
‘strangely happy?’” (Soup to Nuts: Rick Stromoski)
California Bumper Sticker: Don’t Blame Me ... I Voted For Gary Coleman! (La
Cucaracha: Lalo Alcarez)
ONE-LINERS:
A violent sport got its name because there were so many players killed in
action and all of them wound up getting LaCrosse on their graves, except of
course for the Jewish players who got LaStarre. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Never bother to cook a goldfish in oil. It is just a small fry. (Joseph Harris)
"Waiter, I'd like some turtle soup and make it snappy!" (James Ertner)
Speaking of racehorses and turtles, scientists have discovered that turtles
on a particular chain of islands used to run as fast as horses but that was
many gallop agos. (Tiff Wimberly)
If you're named Will and you are in the army, do you get worried when
people say fire at will? (GMN Rising)
What kind of party would you give Bambi when he graduates from school?
A stag party (Stan Kegel)
Californians are not without their faults. (Renee From Napa)
He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks. . (Mike Bull)
She’s the kind who can marry anyone she pleases. Too bad, she doesn’t
please anyone. (Cryptoquote)
I wanted to be a sonar technician, but it was out of my depth. (Pun of the
Day)
In 1909 The first magician appeared on stage. He was so bad, he made the
audience disappear. (Daryl Stout)
When he entered the barbecue contest, he was all fired up. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)
A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi. (Mike Bull)
When the pitcher went to the shower, he was all washed up. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)
I find it ironic that when I went to confession to seek forgiveness for my
vodka-drinking problem, the priest offered me Absolution. (Brad Simanek)
Archers study arrow dynamics.. (Mike Bull)
In 1790 The first official count of the U.S. population was made. It made a
lot of census (Daryl Stout).
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
divorced, they're still brother and sister. (William Brabant)
First robot: Do you have any brothers?
Second robot: No, only transistors. (Renee From Napa)
When the highway striper wasn’t careful, the boss set him straight.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
I couldn't believe that the statue was not made of stone. Next time, I
won't take a work of art for granite. (Simon Champion)
A hangman will always keep you in the loop (Pun of the Day)
When the banker gave himself a loan at a favorable rat, it was
self-interest (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
In 1840 The first elastic girdle was made. Asked if it worked, the inventor
replied "Of Corset Does".. (Daryl Stout)
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. (E4Fun)
The triangle relationship soon became a wreck-tangle. . (Mike Bull)
Old photographers never die, they're just out of the picture for a while.
(Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget. (Bob Welk)
In 1967 The first horse motel opened, providing animals with a stable
environment. (Daryl Stout)
Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient. (Mike Bull)
It's a sin for a woman to make the coffee. It's in the Bible . . .
"Hebrews!" (Renee From Napa)
When the latest style sandals were introduced, they were bound to be a
shoe-in. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
person at the front desk says, "Go ahead. (William Brabant)
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on. (Sydes)
A wedding aboard a luxurious cruise boat can run from $3,000 to $20,000, if
someone wants to go overboard. (Richard Lederer)
An Everglades resident who destroys birds' habitats and does not feel
guilty, lives his life with no egrets. (P.C. Swanson)
What do you call a book about a talk-show host written by an admirer?
The fan-tome of the Oprah. (Archives)
Tree pruners will always go out on a limb for you. (Pun of the Day)
Lucky stiff wins lottery while at the morgue (Steven Kramer)
In 1640 The first calender was written, but everyone knew its days were
numbered. (Daryl Stout)
GROANERS:
Matt's fiancee, Lee, was unfortunately stricken with cancer and had to
undergo a mastectomy. Matt used his woodcarving skills to produce a perfect
replica of her former self, and Lee used this prosthesis. He, of course,
sang, "Wooden tit, be lover Lee." (Bob Dvorak)
A couple of years ago I dug a small pond in the back yard. Right now a 7"
goldfish and two 4" goldfish are in residence. Saturday I saw a small
turtle jump in. I asked Joe if the turtle would try to eat the fish or if
the fish might try to eat the turtle but he didn't know. I figure I'll have
to "relocate" one or the other. You know, put them in a wetness protection
program. (Tapped Ants)
It was a boring hockey game. Scoreless after one period. Scoreless after
two periods. Up and down the ice, neutral-zone traps employed both
directions, not even a decent fight to lend a touch of excitement to the
game. Fred dozed off. Judy, sitting next to him, wondered at how he could
spend $115 per seat to take a nap. As the midway point of the third period
approached, the hometown crowd began to take things into their own hands.
They sang the name of the visiting goalie. They questioned the parentage of
the referees. And, eventually, to dwell upon the oral habits of the
visiting team. Judy could take no more. With an elbow to the ribs, she
awakened Fred. It was time to leave nodding to chants. (Bob Dvorak)
Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal they'd
had in ages. "Your wife sure makes a good roast." commented the first
cannibal. "Yeah," replied the second. "I'm really going to miss her..."
(Daily Groaner)
In the distant future, after scientists perfected the cloning technique,
they decided that each person should have a copy, which would be stored
until the original person died, at which point the copy would carry on. At
first it was decided that the clones would be made in alphabetical order.
However, many people without relatives argued that they should have
priority so that they could carry on their names. The scientists decided
this was fair and decreed, "Let him who is without kin stash the first
clone." (Lawana)
The son of a friend graduated from high school, so I sent him a card to
congratulate him. I enclosed some money and scribbled some words of wisdom
inside. He sent me back a note saying, "Thank you for the gift. Also thank
you for the advice. My mom always told me that you were full of it." (Jill K.)
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance
department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact
that all the washing machines were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse
was getting louder and frightening customers away. So, he called the store
manager who said: "What's the problem here Reverend?" Jesse continued to
bemoan that all the washing machines were white. The manager remarked:
"Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines are white, if you
open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black." (Bob Welk)
My thick Southern accent is often a source of miscommunication. One night
while driving through base housing, I saw four skunks crossing the road.
The next day I told my supervisor what I saw. "So did you get Tom Hanks'
autograph?" he asked. "Excuse me?" I said, puzzled. "Didn't you say you saw
Forrest Gump in base housing last night?" (Eric Grubbs
Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside, "I can't do it," he said. His
companions begged him to climb the mountain with them, but he refused to
move, "I'm against mountain climbing," he finally admitted to his friends.
So now they call him "Anti-climb-Max." (Daily Groaner)
A French chef in a Mexican restaurant is cooking breakfast. He picks up an
egg but knocks another one loose and it heads for the floor. He is able to
catch it before it hits. But he touches the grill and burns himself. It was
le' sore of two huevos. (Archives)
The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I
got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any
butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a book store
and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home
with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a
literary dog to the grocery store because he'll get verse before he gets
butter!" (Carl Hess)
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a
picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark
until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to
be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer
popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his
studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was
underexposed and completely blank. Moral: The spirit was willing, but the
flash was weak. (Gene Spafford)
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license
and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend
the night in jail. "What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded. "None,"
replied the officer. "It's all part of the service." (William Brabant)
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," I said to
one of the group's members, "Why on earth did you ever get married?" She
hought for a moment, and then replied, "I suppose it was the old business
of 'opposites attract', He wasn't pregnant and I was." (Irish Warlock)
At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It
was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to
shore at dinnertime. The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling,
"It's chow time ... for all in tents and porpoises!" (Daily Groaner)
This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The
note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman
rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, "Yes, I need
100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good
for the skin." The milkman asks, "Do you want it PASTURIZED?". She answers,
"No...up to my shoulders will be sufficient!" (William Brabant)
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had
thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess
of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them.
... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a
double-header. (Cascade Express)
Rachel comes downstairs one morning in the little house in Anatevka. Jacob
is sitting in a chair in the kitchen warming his toes by the fire. "Shall I
make breakfast for you, my dearest Jacob?" asks Rachel. "But of course,"
replies Jacob. "And what of Mikhail and Aaron?" asks Rachel. "They've
already had their breakfast." "So soon? But the sun is not yet over the
barn." Answers Jacob, "Sunrise, sons et." (Bob Dvorak)
We had a little excitment Saturday night when a drug smuggler's boat was
sighted and chased into the bay by the Coast Guard. The smugglers dumped
all their pot overboard in an attempt to avoid prosecution, and it washed
up on an small island in the Gulf populated by sea gulls, terns and other
sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island there wasn't a tern
unstoned. (Rodney & Cathy)
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went
around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good
milk. So every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and
they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought
that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because of this, his cows became the
laughing stock of the town. (John Price)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear
and a French fry in the other ear. He said, "I'm not feeling well." I told
him, "That’s because you're not eating right." (Archives)
Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped the teacher
on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if
I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking." (Arca Max)
After being accused of assault and battery, Sonny said to the attorney,
"I've got a half-million bucks. Can you get me off?" "You have my word,"
said the attorney, "you will never to go jail with that much money."
(Douglas Helsel)
A elderly woman driver made a right-hand turn from the left lane and
collided with another car. The other driver angrily asked, "Lady? Why in
the hell didn't you signal at least?" She huffily replied, "Sir, if you
paid any attention at all, you'd know I ALWAYS turn here." (Gag-O-Matic)
A man visits his elderly father, who lives alone in a small apartment above
his store. "Dad, I really worry about you. You work alone all day in the
store and then come up here where you're alone. You really should develop
some outside interests." "Son," he replies, "it's not as bad as it looks.
You see, I've got a hobby. I keep bees." "You keep bees in this tiny
apartment? Where could you possibly house them?" asks the son. "There, over
there on the table in a glass jar." "But those bees will suffocate; that
jar has a lid on it." "What do I care?" says the father. "It's only a
hobby." (Archives)
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her
problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her,
"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not
legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter
in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell
your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it." (Curly David)
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that
he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At
the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling
better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt
water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the
man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
(Douglas Helsel)
PUNY RIDDLES
t seems that the winning candidate has just been involved in his latest sex
scandle. A small place of lodging has disclosed that he concieved a child
while staying here in this well known California city. It turns out that
they have a major credit card charge to prove that he was here. I don't
know about you, but I refering to this child as the........?
Hostel LA Visa Baby. (Gary Reeves)
There was a famous wealthy recluse. He built a lot of his empire on flying
machines. One of the companies that packages pictures of baseball players
in with the bubble gum produced photos of the guy's work and packaged them
for sale.Today they are available for sale at one of those places that
trades in the baseball (et al) photos. When you want to buy one of the
airplane pictures, whom do you ask for?
The Hughes Card Salesman (Bob Dvorak)
DEFINITIONS:
Locomotive: A crazy reason to do something (Stan Kegel)
Barcarole: Song sung in a pub at Christmas time. (Douglas Drill)
Damnation: A country dependent on hydroelectricity. (Tim Bruening)
Legend: The narrow end at the top of a cliff (Stan Kegel)
Bison: What you cook a podding in. (Tim Bruening)
Baby: A honey-gathering insect which lives around San Francisco. (Douglas Drill)
Laptop:Lawsuit: Clothing worn in court by barristers (Stan Kegel)
Bathinette: What you wear over your hair while bathing. (Douglas Drill)
Foreign: Likes wet weather. (Tim Bruening)
Where your children want to sit (Stan Kegel)
Labor: To have sex with a wild pig. (Tim Bruening)
Bellicose: Dancing with your stomachs together. (Douglas Drill)
Terrapin: The little thingie that the hijacker pulls out of the hand
grenade just before the plane explodes. (Gary Hallock)
Laundress: Outfit she wears to a picnic (Stan Kegel)
Dolphin: The part of the doll fish that enables it to swim. (Tim Bruening)
Backslide: Going down a hill face up in the prone position. (Douglas Drill)
POETRY
Closing on forty
Single gal pursuing love
Seeking her mandate
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
A randy young fellow named Yates
Went out drinking and searching for mates
But the girls in the bars
Had the worst acne scars
And the guy just abhors pitted dates
(Chris Caillouet)
People think that these words are quite terse,
'Cause they state that there's nothing that's worse
Than a poem 'bout cats.
It is twisted, and that's
The sole reason they say it's purr-verse.
(Kirk Miller)
Balsa wood airplane
Was flown by Pinocchio
Who had balls o' wood
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
The bridge nears completion, takes shape,
But boaters just stare, mouths agape;
Won't pass under; they're fearing
A collapse, after hearing
That the bridge was held up by red tape.
(Kirk Miller)
That guy from Wisconsin right there
Wrote this ode to his state in despair
"I left you in bliss
But, Boy do I miss
The sweet smell of your dairy air"
(Chris Caillouet)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Confucius say baker's barren wife have trouble getting bred. (Gary Hallock)
Confucius say when dating tarts, don't invite popover. (Gary Hallock)
Confucius say man wooing tart hopes for sweet date. (Gary Hallock)
Confucius say baker who sits on waffle iron ends up with hot cross buns.
(Gary Hallock)
Confucius say baker who sit in molasses make sticky buns. (Bob Dvorak)
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton (Archives)
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling (Archives)
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram (Archives)
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League (Archives)
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi (Archives)
Motherboard: as in: “A week of being laid up with the flu had
__motherboard__ out of her mind. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Bacon: as in, "What's __bacon__ in the oven?" (Douglas Drill)
Celtics: In the days of bloodletting, he would collect and __Celtics__ to
physicians. (Stan Kegel)
Benefit: as in, "If you hadn't gained so much weight, Sir, this suit would
have __benefit.__” (Douglas Drill)
Benefactor: as in, "Her habit of smoking dried banana peels in class might
have __benefactor__ in getting her expelled." (Douglas Drill)
Bellow: as in, "The other bells are pitched high so you'd better make that
__bellow__” (Douglas Drill)
Bandit: as in, "The kids were getting too carried away with the Netendo so
I __bandit__ in my house." (Douglas Drill)
Stan Dover: A supervisor. (Johann von Haupkopf)
Ernest Taylor: Maker of serious clothes. (Johann von Haupkopf)
“The Garlic Eater” by I Malone (Ed Kotler)
“Pain and Suffering” by Anne Guish (Ed Kotler)
“The Haunted Room” by Hugo First (Ed Kotler)
Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with
yellow cup-shaped flowers will give you Rhesus Peanut Buttercup. (John
Nunley)
Here's an interesting five-way cross. An Alaskan King Crab, a king- fisher,
a jackrabbit, a jackass and a jackal gives you a Full House. (John Nunley)
"Wanna watch my act?" the stripper asked appealingly. (Cynthia MacGregor)
“Marmalade," said the newly hatched chicken. (Gill Krebs)
“I think I'll pig out tonight," Tom squealed. (Bob Dvorak)
"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the roof,"
said Tom fanatically. (Gill Krebs)
"I know a blackbird when I see one," she crowed. (Cynthia MacGregor)
"The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm,"said Tom humorlessly. (Gill Krebs).
Resume Statements: "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." (Lee Hogan)
Resume Statements: "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." (Lee Hogan)
Headlines: Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men. (The Sunday Oregonian)
Headlines: Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity (The Chicago Tribune)
Headlines: Alcohol ads promote drinking. (The Hartford Courant)
Headlines: Bible church's focus is the Bible (Saint Augustine Record)
Ed Sullivan, talking briefly to Jack Jones after his spot on the Sunday
night TV program, asked, "Wasn't Alan Jones your father?" "He still is,"
snapped the Jones boy. (Kermit Schafer)
You’re begging for an apple, but you get only a pea. (You’re begging for an
eyeful but you get only a peak) “Let’s Put The X In Sex” Kiss (Gavin
Edwards)
Someone shaved my wife tonight (Someone saved my life tonight) “Someone
Saved My Life Tonight” Elton John (Gavin Edwards)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What do you call the sweat that is produced when two rednecks are having
sex?
Relative humidity. (Marsha Coleman)
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" (Judy K.)
I heard the Green Bay team is merging with the Bucs and will play in
Florida. They will be called the Tam Packs (Stan Kegel)
Wouldn't such a team fizzle out after the first period because they have
no second string? (Gary Hallock)
Wouldn't it be great if hookers accepted credit cards, just like gas
stations? That way, if you were in a hurry you could use the convenient
pay-at-the-pimp feature (Kim Moser)
According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was
not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the
Neanderthal women were! (Sydes)
Why Was The Gay Sergeant Court-Martialed?
They Caught Him Playing With His Privates. (Paul Cooper)
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer
and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS. Without
blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She then almost died
laughing at the computer's response: ** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
**** (Curly David)
Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter." (Jill K.)
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your
eyes?" "To see if it's true," she answered shyly. (Sydes)
The Lonely Wife’s Special is like our regular pizza, except we don’t slice
the pepperoni. (Barbie)
Carol and Sabith were discussing the date Sabith had the night before. "
Carol, he was so erudite, clever, and sophisticated, I just couldn't
believe it. He speaks several languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a
Parisian restaurant and then ordered our meal and wine courses in French,
Then he took me back to his penthouse apartment and while we looked over
his Russian book collection by the fireplace, he took my shoes off and told
me to relax while he served me some expensive cognac" "Wow," Sab, said
Carol, " he sounds fabulous! Just how far did he get ?" Sabith sighed, and
whispired conspiritally, "Well, I'd really rather not say, but let me just
say, he was quite a cunning linguist!" (Irish Warlock)
The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time I
want sex, she says, “Wait.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
Some friends and I were visiting a nearby city for a football game and one
of the friends was drinking prior to and during the game. By the time we
went to dinner after the game he was "feeling no pain". Our attractive
waitress was wearing a low cut blouse and when she asked him what he wanted
he said,"I want to get into your pants." She replied, "You'll have to wait
your turn, sir, there's already one asshole in there." (Douglas Helsel)
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Punp kin (The Placebo Page)
What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when inserted into a deep,
slimy, hairy hole, can make you feel better?
VICKS INHALER! (Judy K.)
“Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water." (Jill K.)
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was
so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be
hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this
nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the
grass." (Laffaday)
What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home. (Sydes)
When my neighbor proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a
horse for her birthday, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.He
said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything since she
had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada. (Jill K.)
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got
to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and
firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put
in the milk. (Jill K.)
Throughout my life, I've tried my hand at many things, and guess what? It
turned out to be the perfect tool for masturbating! (Sebastian Pivnicka)
Jill was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance
with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were
dancing and Jill asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said,
"I prefer Dick." Jill said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do
with anything?" (Jill K.)
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they really developed the "hots" for each other... One day,
they seized the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate
their lust... Dick found Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but
finally succeeded. When they were finished, Dick said to her, "If I had
known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane
replied "If I'd have known you had more time, I would have taken off my
pantyhose!" (Altoidman)
The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady
Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective
spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up,
as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army
officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The
French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is
performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it
moves from one mouth to another..." (Sun Aimee)
My husband came home from the doctor's the other day and told me the doctor
said he couldn't make love. I've known this for years, I want to know how
he found out! (Big Daddy Cool)
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!" (Jill
K.)
I prefer to describe my profession as that of a "Contemporary
Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word. (Charles Gulledge)
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex
with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?" She thinks about the
proposition for a minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a man I
don't know for a million dollars." The man then asks,"Would you sleep with
me for fifty cents?" Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How
could you ask me such a thing?" The man states, "Well, we've already
established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the
price." (Kevin Rayner)
What's the difference between a farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with
diarrhea?
The farmer shucks between fits (Curly David)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull
flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted
voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet
paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says,
"What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so
dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that
seagull will be miles away!" (Curly David)
Did You Hear About The Gay Milkman?
He Never Left An Empty Behind. (Paul Cooper)
When a woman gets a man aroused and then leaves him high and dry she is
called a Prick Teaser. Now there is a male equivalent name for when a man
does the same to a female, they're calling him a Moisturizer (Irish Warlock)
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man
realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is
the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points
to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The
wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife
replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye,
next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and
finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come
close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the
hell was that?" She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!" (Douglas Helsel)
Tim Bruening
Stan Kegel wrote:
> PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending: 10-24-03
> A group of U.S. priests is petitioning the Vatican to allow marriage in the
> clergy. There could be legal problems with such unions. To wed in most
> states, a spouse must be at least 18. (Alan Ray)
And of the opposite sex!
Buffalo Chilkat
>"Waiter, I'd like some turtle soup and make it snappy!" (James Ertner)
How much did the customer shell out?
Buffalo Chilkat
>He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks. . (Mike Bull)
That poison must have made the tick tocks, ack!
nemo
Buffalo Chilkat <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
news:6ptnpv01uhmmj3d8j...@4ax.com...
>
> >"Waiter, I'd like some turtle soup and make it snappy!" (James Ertner)
>
> How much did the customer shell out?
>
nemo
Buffalo Chilkat <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
>
> >He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks. . (Mike Bull)
>
> That poison must have made the tick tocks, ack!
Ack? Was it a Martian watch?
Buffalo Chilkat
>He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks. . (Mike Bull)
That poison must have made the tick tocks, ack!
You mean it made the tick toxic? Bwahahaha!