Puns of the Weak 06-06-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
Now you too can subscribe to Martha Stewart's Investing for insider
stock tips. Subscriptions available 25 years to life. (Daniel Kurtzman)
Summer time means barbecuing. Have you heard about the new Martha
Stewart recipe? It serves 3-5 years. (Alan Ray)
Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning – she showed how to
make bail. Did you see that?" (Jay Leno)
The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on
Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and
he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart
said the correct term was to saute the books. (Conan O'Brien)
Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside
information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to
go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive,
quick–burning yule log out of freshly–shredded financial documents.
(Dennis Miller)
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntosh Apples. When questioned about this cache
she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's
being charged with "In-cider" trading (Sean/ Daily Groaner)
Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive
and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by
companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring
leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
(Jon Stewart)
Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be
indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news
for Martha — stripes are back in this year. (Craig Kilborn)
When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, only
that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer. (Conan O'Brien)
“Say it’s not Sosa!” (Multiple Newspaper Headlines)
Miss Dominican Republican has been crowned Miss Universe. Some of the
other participants in the pageant are sour grapes. They now suggest her
bra may have been corked. (Alan Ray)
Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the
White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an
affair, she said “I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.” No, I'm
sorry, that's what Monica said. (David Letterman)
Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about
his affair, she wanted to, quote, “Wring his neck.” Hillary decided
against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm.
(Conan O'Brien)
The Library of Congress displayed Bob Hope's donated joke collection on
his birthday in the nation's capital. It includes ten thousand
monologues from radio and television. Over the years, only the voters
have sent more jokes to Washington. (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush is in the Middle East this week to promote his Middle
East peace plan. I don't think Bush quite gets it. Like today he said,
“Everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and
the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians.” (Jay Leno)
According to the latest Gallup Poll, one-quarter of Americans are
bilingual; the other three-quarters don't speak any English at all. (Jay Leno)
A study says Marlboro cigarettes contain the highest level of
cancer–causing ingredients of any brand. The folks in marketing are
trying to put a positive spin. "Takes Your Breath Away." (Alan Ray)
Saddam Hussein's captured finance minister has told interrogators how
billions of dollars were secretly stashed away. He hired Arthur Anderson
to do the books. (Bob Hirschfeld)
President Bush attended an industrial nations summit in Evian in the
French Alps on Sunday. It's only right that they met in a ski resort.
Diplomatic relations between the United States and France just set a
world record in the Men's Downhill. (Argus Hamilton)
Today’s News: France invaded Paris and lost. (Cappy Ahab)
California lawmakers considered a bill Friday to limit the use of cell
phones in cars. Trying to talk on the phone while driving interferes
with make-up, hair, eating breakfast, coffee, and flipping off anyone
who honks at you. The reason Hinduism is so popular out here is because
you need nine arms to drive in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)
A Los Angeles clinic reported excellent results from a pregnancy
prevention study begun in 1993 that was targeted at men. So far, this
program has been 100% effective - in five years, not one man became
pregnant! (Gag-O-Matic)
"CBS Evening News" reported last week that the Baghdad bunker the United
States bombed on the first night of the Iraq war never actually existed.
President Bush asked reporters, "But that Iraq place -- that's still
real, right?" (Bob Coppedge)
According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to
hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for Italian men,
because they talk with their hands. (Jill’s Joke Line)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What happened to the girl who drank eight sodas?
She burped seven up. (Isabel, 7)
What do you call a nation with all pink cars?
A Pink Carnation (Samantha Chadwell, 11)
Why was it hard to tell the spy had a toupee?
Because it was top secret (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
So he could break out. (Ted, 7)
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So that they can fight knights (Deblynn, 11)
Where do books sleep?
Under their covers (Troy, 11)
What did the digital clock say to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands! (Heather, 8)
What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner! (Eileen, 5)
Why did the girl tear the calendar?
Because she wanted to take a month off`: (Kids Jokes)
Why are we sure that Indians were the first people in North America?
Because they had reservations. (Kids Jokes)
Why are hairdressers fast drivers?
Because they know all the shortcuts! (Xin Ying, 9)
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk. (Gary Geist)
Why should you stay calm when you meet a cannibal?
You don't want to get into a stew. (Lewis, 8)
Who takes longer to get ready for a trip-an elephant or a rooster?
The elephant. He has to pack a trunk while the rooster only takes his
comb. (Kids Jokes)
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of giants fingers! (Sandy Sibert)
What would happen if Satan lost his hair?
There would be hell toupee.(Gary Hallock)
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A hoarse horse. (Lederer & Ertner)
Who invented spaghetti?
Someone who used his noodle. (Ginger, 8)
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down! (Yahooligans)
What is the difference between a poor man and a feather bed?
One is hard up and the other is soft down. (Mighty Funnies: Betty
Debnam)
What do you call a carrot that insults a rabbit?
A fresh vegetable (Arturo, 9)
Which president was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent (By Stan Kegel)
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favorites?
By taking a gallop poll. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels! (Yahooligans)
Why is a gymnast always such a good friend?
Because he will always bend over backwards for you (Stan Kegel)
What goes into the mouth of a quarter horse?
Two bits. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why do hens lay eggs ?
If they dropped them, they'd break! (Yahooligans)
Why did the traffic light turn red?
So would you if you had to change in front of all those people.
(Taylor, 10)
Did you hear about the sea creature at the party?
He had a whale of a time. (Sam, 9)
What bird is with you at every meal ?
A swallow! (Yahooligans)
Why couldn’t the bride find her fiance?
He was hiding in the groom closet. (Cheryl, 9)
Did you hear the joke about the broken egg?
Yes, it cracked me up! (Yahooligans)
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data. (Gary Geist)
'Did you hear about the religious moth?
It gave up woolens for lint. (Lederer & Ertner)
How does the beach like its eggs?
Sunny side up (Anne, 9)
Who stole the soap from the bathroom?
The robber duckie! (Jamie, 10)
What did Christopher Columbus tell Queen Isabella when he got home from
his first voyage?
"I bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a
galleon.". (Bennett Cerf)
Four men were in a boat on the lake. The boat turns over, and all four
men sink to the bottom of the lake, yet not a single man got wet! Why?
Because they were all married and not single (Riddle of the Day)
Algebra Teacher “And so we find that X equals zero.”
Student: “All that work for nothing.” (Syman Hirsch)
A student named Jake runs into his class, because he’s late for school.
Teacher: "You should have been here at 8:15 this morning." Jake: "Why,
what happened?" (Miranda, 11)
Could you use the nails on the end of your toes to shingle the roof of
your mouth? (Gail S. Angel)
RIDDLES
What did Friar Tuck say when Robin Hood asked him if he'd like to eat
dinner now?
"Sherwood!" (Gary Hallock)
What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A royal flush! (Daily Groaner)
Why does a lung doctor have such an interest in the dark phase of the
lunar orb?
He's a new-moon-ologist (By Cynthia MacGregor)
What tea company is most likely to survive a nuclear holocaust?
Big Glow (Gary Hallock)
What reptile would you find controlling traffic at the Calgary Stampede?
Mountie Python (By Stan Kegel)
If an Indian builds a tent in your small boat,then sits in it to expound
on the rules regarding the proper use of neckwear, what do you
have?
A teepee canoe and tie law too. (Cynthia MacGregor)
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Three days of steady drinking should do it (Charley Weaver)
Why did the philosopher have such a stable marriage?
Because he always put Descartes before divorce. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why would the werewolf change if you pull down his pants?
Because there was a full moon (Daily Groaner)
COMICS
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffit
Eating her curves away (Nosextoons: Myke Ashley-Cooper)
“Mrs. Carp says, ‘While this paper has lots of mistakes, I gave you an
‘A’ because it shows lots of imagination and creativity.” “Gee, maybe
someday you’ll be a reporter for The New York Times.” (Mallard Fillmore:
Bruce Tinsley)
I’m content to let my husband run things. As long as it’s the
dishwasher, the vacuum cleaner and the lawnmower! (Shoe: Cassatt &
Brookins)
“Why is it that so many women want to date the king?” “’Cause it’s
better to love a short man than never to have loved a tall.” (Wizard of
Id: Parker & Hart)
Receptionist in Psychiatrist’s office: “Claustrophobic, eh? The Doctor
is pretty busy today but I may be able to squeeze you in.” (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“Remember, proper plant management is key to a good harvest.” “Weed ‘em
and reap!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Boss to Salesman: Bill, we’re taking you out and putting Johnson in.
Your pitch just isn’t working today. (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
Save The Trees: Stop Junk Mail (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Gossips get an edge in wordwise. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Pessimist Society Thought For Today: This is the worst day of the rest
of your strife. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
ONE-LINERS:
Reporter: "What shall I say about the peroxide blondes who made such a
fuss at the ball game?" Editor: "Say, 'The Bleachers Went Wild.'
(Beckie Shiles)
Sitting in the sun this summer, a lot of folks have become well-red.
(Pun of the Day)
I visited <http://www.hormel.com> and submitted a form for a free sample
of their product, but then the privacy disclaimer told me I would not
receive any spam. What's up with that? (Alan Bland)
Two basketball players fought it out in court with the press. (Pun of
the Day)
When he ignored Mom’s warning about the cactus, he got the point.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
A Robin Hood film festival was held in our local theater, but most
parents wouldn't let their children attend because of all the Saxon
violence, (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
On a cold night, firewood will provide hot sales. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
A lovely lady who lost her watch became a timeless beauty. (Mike Bull)
Those who carry too many buckets start feeling pail. (Pun of the Day)
Most actors go through good and bad "stages".(Mike Bull)
For Mom and Dad, Junior’s first haircut was shear joy. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
A train load of paint derailed. Nearby businesses were put in the red.
(Pun of the Day)
In 1895 John Campbell invented lubricating oil. Before that, he was just
squeaking by. (Daryl Stout)
A scientist who wanted a tattoo got a skin graph.. (Pun of the Day)
Appreciate your gynecologist. After all he sees more of you than you
ever will, (P. C. Swanson)
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." (Dean Martin)
In 1920 The patent for malted milk was sold for $100. The buyer said
that he got a fair shake.(Daryl Stout)
A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.
(Pun of the Day)
The fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, but found no
sign of a blaze when he got there. His official report read, "falsie
alarm." (Bennett Cerf)
A guy who made pots for a living fell on hard times and became a pan
handler (Pun of the Day)
In 1964 High heels went out of style. It was a big let down. (Daryl Stout)
Allergy sufferers are itching to get through the hay fever season. (Pun
of the Day)
The wife worked over thyme in her garden before she decided it was time
to cumin. (Mike Bull)
Basketball players bounce ideas off each other before they end up in
court. (Mike Bull)
She brought a mixer to the baking contest to blend in (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two dogs go into a bar for dogs. They notice that no one else is wearing
a collar. Suddenly they realize they were in a stray bar, (Frank Kaiser)
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
salt that he forgets his sugar. (Jolene)
Back then, when the auto wouldn’t start, the driver became cranky.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
An Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts. (Bennett
Cerf)
In 1949 Calculators were first used. They were so successful, that
adding machines began to multiply. (Daryl Stout)
Old people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives
they can get. (Robert Orben)
My wife sneaked up behind me while I was working in the garden. I was
so startled I soiled myself. (Brad Simanek)
Nature abhors a vacuum. Then again, so does my dog. (Shawn B. Alexander)
When scissors were first invented, they were on the cutting edge. (Pun
of the Day)
There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer-space program:
your tax dollar will go farther." (Wernher von Braun)
An electrician who got promoted felt a surge as a result of the switch.
(Mike Bull)
A child psychologist once formulated a theory about young children so
terribly spoiled by their parents that they can never work hard at any
task. This theory, simply stated: "A botched tot never toils." (Tyler Kaus)
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike:
If you're thin, don't eat fast.
If you're fat, don't eat. Fast. (Archives)
GROANERS:
Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As
lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie
tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.
Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the
neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.
Something like that doesn't last very long in our house." (O. Robeo)
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed
the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned
over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?” (Curly David)
Louise was trying hard to get the catchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's Pastor Ron, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then to the Pastor she said, "Mommy can't come to the phone
right now... She's hitting the bottle!" (Richard Young)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had
come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall
Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed
in the electric chair The author said he could handle the story
tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a
chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as
a great shock." (Joke Center)
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for
his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien
holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kick stand," the prospect replied.
"Is that the same thing?" (Kitty)
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the
first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How
exciting. What's his best trick?" "He saws people in half." "How
impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yep...one half
brother and two half sisters." (Clean Laffs)
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed
sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained
some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the
West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely
known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.(Daily Groaner)
Mr. Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched,
pulled and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape
bodies. Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Apparently
his last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way. (Foot
Long Hot Dog)
On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came
a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my
dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!" My mother and sister explained that
it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As I opened it up and showed
everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my
mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all
those lures." (Pastor Tim)
This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and very fat. He
is always eating turkey right from the refriger- ator. It keeps making
him sick and fatter but he can't stop. His friends and family worry
about him but he keeps on with his additition. Finally, after years of
sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight and looks great. His
friends ask him how he did it. He says, "I quit cold turkey." (Daily Groaner)
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No, I'm a brunette." (Pam Forst)
In describing his tiny new cubicle to a friend, the newly hired computer
trainee said, "Yes, you could call it a hole-in-the-wall. But I like to
call it my private orifice." (Tyler Kaus)
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in
various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency
equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen
and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and
assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do
you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied.
"What?" (Crosswalk)
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
(Helen La Montagne)
One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of
smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings,
chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a
great height and knocks him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his
dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!" (MyStacy)
Two acquaintances met in an elevator. "What's up?" asked one. The other
replied, "I've been working on a farm where they raise hornless goats."
"But-" began the first. The second interrupted, "There are no butts."
(Lederer & Ertner)
An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into
an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it
was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii. As soon as they landed
they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the
name of this island?" "Havaii!", the man replied. "Thanks", answered the
man. "You're Velcome," the man replied. (ADNO JH Digest)
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the
first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd
be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite
understand it." "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that
nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to
ask." "No, I don't think it's that." "Well, maybe you remind her of her
father." "No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned
something about carbon 14." (Dean Rackley)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I
introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we me
over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick
me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied," I just used a regular 56K
modem." (Paul Croft)
The mother of twin boys couldn't understand why one of her sons was so
messy, while the other one was just the opposite. Her husband told her
to stop worrying about it, that some people are just born one way or the
other. And that in the case of the boys, "You've got to take the litter
with the neat." (Tyler Kaus)
DEFINITIONS:
Calamity: Where the shell-fisherman rests his golf ball (Cynthia MacGregor)
Lumbar Puncture: Drill a hole in a board (Stan Kegel)
Archives: Storage areas for an onion-like herb that is no longer in
active use. (Uncle George)
Factory: A Conservative Party politician telling the truth. (Anon)
Caravan: Question asked by auto buyer when shown new hybrid vehicle
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Deductible: Where Donald and Daisy sit to eat their dinner. (Gary Hallock)
Coagulate: Remark made to tardy fellow student at Texas A&M (Cynthia MacGregor)
Pregnancy: When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.
(Thorn Shunt)
Longshoremen: A pier group (Stan Kegel)
Fertile: Hairy floor covering. (Tim Bruening)
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye. (Anon.)
Archives: Noah's skin allergy to animals (Stan Kegel)
Bologna: Where Catholic school girls have to keep their hemlines. (Gary Hallock)
Cinnamon: Jamaican fellow who breaks the ten commandments (Cynthia MacGregor)
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory. (Douglas Helsel)
Correlations: Fraternizing with a fellow Marine. (Gary Hallock)
POETRY
An old Catholic priest, Father Blass
Dealt a message both condemning and crass
His sermon was loaded
And it finally exploded
When flock had reached critical mass
(Chris Caillouet)
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
The ant basketball team made a vow
To get better, but didn't know how.
No, it just wasn't right
To be lacking in height.
What they needed were tolerance, now.
(Kirk Miller)
To the matador's woe and dismay
He discovered his skin had turned gray
When he asked his Ma-ma
For a cure to this flaw
She replied, "Try my Oil of Olé"
(Chris Caillouet)
The proctologist, Williams opined
"I do more work than two men combined
I've been trying for weeks
To catch up with these cheeks
But I swear that I still feel behind"
(Chris Caillouet)
Golfers cuss all day long 'til they're hoarse.
I don't like it; to me it's the source
Of a peeve, drives me mad,
Tees me off, it's so sad.
The rough language is par for the coarse.
(Kirk Miller)
That guy from Wisconsin right there
Wrote this ode to his state in despair
"I left you in bliss
But, Boy do I miss
The sweet smell of your dairy air"
(Chris Caillouet)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"My trousers have split apart!" was Tom's unseamly comment, which had us
all in stitches. (Stan Kegel)
"They've burned our embassy," said the President disconsolately. (P. M. Grant)
"You can stay. I am out of here," Tom said believeingly. (Stan Kegel)
"I resolve to teach my goose manners," propagandized Tom. (Anon.)
"I'm going to play the Argentine first lady again," Madonna promised
inevitably. (Stan Kegel)
"Now that I've stopped working for the Chicago Sun-Times, I resolve
never again to have anything to do with that Nielsen fellow who starred
in the 'Naked Gun' movies," Roger Ebert said expressionlessly. (Rick P.)
"They met below the bleachers," Tom said understandably. (Stan Kegel)
"I shall not yield!" Tom said, without interest. (Ben Rey)
"If you keep eating Jelly Bellies you will end up with many cavities,"
Tom said precariously. (Stan Kegel)
"I resolve to press harder for results," said Tom, ironically. (Senor Chips)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
Entrepreneur Magazine ad: Publicize your business absolutely free! Send
$6. (Douglas Helsel)
WARRING FACTIONS DON'T AGREE (Richard Lederer)
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." (Andrea)
CITY HALL SAYS FLOODING IN LOWLANDS WAS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH WATER
(Richard Lederer)
During a nightly news broadcast WITN, Washington, North Carolina
Sportscaster: Wayne can throw a baseball through a car wash and the ball
will never get wet. Lee, that's sports. Anchor: Well, there's one thing
for sure, Dick. He's bound to have the cleanest balls in the majors.
(Jill's Joke Line)
Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on
front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently
left out the word "sheep." (Pastor Tim)
Detroit News article: Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro
Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. (Douglas Helsel)
SHOP SELLS SOUP TO NUTS (Richard Lederer)
In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno
peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad
recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
(Pastor Tim)
LOW WAGES SAID KEY TO POVERTY (Richard Lederer)
NEWSCASTER: The C-47, carrying a planeload of chorus girls bound for a
USO destination to entertain troops, was forced down in a jungle
somewhere in Africa . . . However, all parsons abroad were reported
safe." (Kermit Schafer)
ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Martha Stewart:
Her ass, in a sling, has been slung
But what a strange twist of the tongue?
For sure she's got balls
But still pees in stalls
So Martha can never be hung
(Gary Hallock)
The employer gave his secretary a dress as her first week's salary. The
next week he raised her salary. (Stan Kegel)
Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take
the law into their own hands. (George Carlin)
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for
publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer
because he claims he can get himself off." (Conan O'Brien)
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are
you doing, wearing a football jersey?" She replied, "Why, I bought it
and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?" He said, "You're not supposed to
wear it unless you've made the team." "Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who
did I miss?" (Coop’s Jokes)
To love your fellow man is to know true joy. To get him out of the house
before your spouse comes home is probably also a good thing. (Foot Long
Hot Dog)
There was a local whorehouse where business was so bad they couldn't
afford beds. It was very embarrassing. Every time customers came in, the
girls were floored. (Stan Kegel )
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten. (Tiger)
If God didn't intend for us to have oral sex, why are penises shaped
like hot dogs and vaginas like tacos. .(Andrew Garcia)
I had a used car that simply refused to run. Nothing in it worked. The
generator wouldn't generate, the steering wheel wouldn't steer, and the
pistons wouldn't work either. (Archives)
"At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small
penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the
politician, "That she has a big mouth." (Tiger)
What's the difference between a joke and a wise-crack?
If a woman has a dozen children-that's a joke. But, if she has no
children-that's a wise crack. (Archives)
" So at the end of our first date, he told me he wanted me for a
friend." "All right." "Yeah, but on the second date, he brought the
friend!" (Jill's Joke Line)
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and shouting your own name. (Andrew Garcia)
Birth control pill: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to
keep from getting pregnant. (Andrew Garcia)
"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married
next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, honey, don't you think
you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?"
cautioned her mother. "Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been
practicing." (Coop's Jokes)
One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!" (Kevin Rayner)
“Mom, can I go over to Jill's house and watch the magic show?" "Whatever
do you mean, dear?" "The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got
$600 for doing six tricks last night." (William Brabant)
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in
which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey,
if I lie I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn
on the Holy Bible." His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the
wrong thing, but..." "But, what?" "Let me put it this way," his wife
explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?" Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there
'til he goes away." (MyStacy)
Why did the co-ed decide not to take a sex eductaion course in school?
She heard the final exam would be oral! (Haust Javeri)
A young woman went to the drug store to buy tampons and inquired as to
what size she should buy. The pharmacist asked, "What's your flow like?"
The woman responded, "Geez, I don't know, linoleum, I guess.". (Andrew Garcia)
One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little
drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on
a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston blew right
through the engine hood. Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as
'hell' and kicks the door real hard out of frustration and starts
walking down the lonely road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck
with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came
along and stopped. One of the fellas called out, "Whats the matter ole'
friend?" Aldo says, "Piston-broke!" The same fella calls back, "Ya!
we're pissn'd and broke too. Get in the truck." (Ian Miller)
What's the difference between men and gum drops?
Gum drops come in different colors..(Andrew Garcia)
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the
street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the
cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened RayBan Sunglasses and stared
directly at this nosey bitch and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why
she cuts the grass" (M. F.)
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage. (Andrew Garcia)
Two deer were gossiping about the doe down the road. "I'm not saying
she's promiscuous," said one, "but there's a sign outside her place that
reads, "The buck stops here." (Douglas Helsel)
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what
was not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says "It is not good
to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth." The teacher says "That is
correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom
always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
(Douglas Helsel)