Groaners of the Weak 08-21-04
Stan Kegel
THE GROANERS
We were clearing a small area on our land today to park our pontoon boat
trailer. I sustained some cuts from thorns and got whacked a couple of times
by tree limbs. I know I will have sore muscles from wielding the machete and
the hacksaw but some of the toughest work was pulling the snaky weeds that
were choking some of the trees. After playing tug of war with one I said to
Jim, "Well, this is another vine mess you've gotten us into, Ollie!" (Tiff
Wimberly)
When I was young, my family was really poor. Everything I wore - socks,
blouses, even handkerchiefs - had been darned over and over by my mother. I
wasn't the smartest or the prettiest, but I sure was the best darned kid in
the neighborhood! (Clean Lauhs)
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men,
philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of belief
and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved
nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Our traveler was
astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in
this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus-eater. The rain simply
avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed. "That's incredible", said the
traveler. "Not at all", said his native guide, "for is it not sung of in
America, even on Broadway, `Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus' ."
(Lee Hogan)
Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but notice the
license plate on the car in front of me. It read, "BAA BAA." I was clueless
as to why it was chosen until I looked at the vehicle to which the plate was
attached. It was a black Jeep. (Gard Webster)
The Bureau of prisons just announced the release of a serial bank robber who
had looted over 30 banks before his capture. The parole board says he is
completely rehabilitated and has found employment at his home in Prague.
Yes, that is correct. They were able to right a bad czech. (LOL Lewd Lines)
My dentist was telling me how much he had wanted to become a classical
pianist. "If only my parents hadn't discouraged me," he moaned. "Don't feel
bad," I respinded as the doctor worked on my teeth. "There's more than one
way to tickle the ivories." (Clean Laffs)
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are
seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? Why is it a problem to
live in a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I
have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'." (My
Mail)
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind
if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when
your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well,
it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water
hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the
dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I
accompanied her on the piano...!" (Joan DeGrave)
Many years ago, a citywide blackout caused the lights to go out in a class I
was taking at City College of New York. The class continued and, an hour
later, a student arrived, excusing his tardiness by saying he had walked
from Flushing. Without missing a beat, another student in the class said:
"It looks more like you're flushed from walking." (Martha Davie)
A research group on sea mammals captured a most unusual porpoise on one of
its trips. The animal had feet! They poked it and prodded it, photographed
and measured it, and tagged it for tracking. As they were preparing to set
it free, one of the researchers said, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our
ship's doctor were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other
porpoises?" "No, of course not," exclaimed another researcher, "That would
be de-feeting the porpoise. (W. B. Austin)
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it
was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he
was running low on one of the necessary spices, He sent his apprentice to
the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young
man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could
do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for
batter for wurst.
Our Welsh herdsman has been testing out different animals for guard duty and
found the South American Llama quite good, but with its smooth head it is
not very fearsome. We are plagued by hikers uncertain of the meaning of the
notice which says 'Keep Out'; you can see them in two minds about risking
the short cut. So he has been tying deer antlers to their heads and was
absolutely crowing with delight yesterday when a trespasser was caught by
one and held aloft by the creature. As my partner said: "Look, he's on the
horns of a Dai Llama." (Joseph Harris)
Titleist has just introduced a new universal golf club, designed especially
for travelers. It is a single adjustable club that replaces all the clubs
that a golfer normally uses, so it fits in a suitcase and doesn't force
passengers to check their bags when flying. It's also useful because it
takes up so little space that golfers can just leave it in the trunks of
their cars, and sneak out for a round of golf without their spouses being
any the wiser. The club utilizes a B-nut (like a wing-nut, but B shaped) to
adjust the angle of the head to any angle, from putter to sandwedge and
everything in between. It is, of course, known as a B-nut putter-sandwedge.
(Asa)
A potato chip factory decided to create a novel form of chips by frying them
in goose grease. Unfortunately, one day a few goose feathers accidentally
fell into the frying vat. However, a veteran inspector discovered the batch
before it reached the public. When told of the mishap and the outcome, his
boss remarked happily, . . . "He's a good man to have around when the chips
are down." (Marsha Coleman)
A Cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and went to a hotel for their
Honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said,
"This here is a very special 'casion -- our weddin' night and we need a good
room with a strong bed." The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the
Bridal?" The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess
not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it." (Samantha
Graham)
A rather innocent young man wandered into the wrong kind of massage parlor
one day. He was ready to leave immediately but curiosity kept him glued to
the floor, taking in all he could see. Finally the manager approached him,
saying "Excuse me, sir-are you a member of this club?" "Oh, no," said the
young man, "I'm just aghast."(Anne Kostick)
Susie was a typical '60s protester, and one of those who enjoyed the
protests for the sheer joy of pr otesting as much as for the causes she
supported with her actions. Naturally the war in Vietnam was the single
biggest focus of her protests, and one week she signed up to join a group
who were going to show their distaste for killing by throwing
flowers--wasn't the '60s the era of "flower power"? But ten minutes into
the demonstration, as Susie threw the purple flowers she'd brought with her,
one of the organizers came and yanked her away from the front line, telling
her reprimandingly, "Didn't we make it clear? This is strictly a non-violet
demonstration!" (Joan Degrave)
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those
are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever
seen." One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know ... I
think I just heard a discouraging word." (Crosswalk)
On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at
London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British-passport control line
while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the
customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied.
"I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the
other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport.
"Most men bring their wives with them." (Haust Javeri)
Authoress Edna Ferber was fond of wearing tailored suits before they became
fashionable among professional women. One day she arrived at the Algonquin
Hotel wearing a suit that was very similar to one that English actor Noel
Coward was wearing. Coward looked Ferber up and down and said, "You look
almost like a man." Ferber looked at Coward in the same way and replied: "So
do you." (Mardy Grothe)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" (Archives)
My mother-in-law grew up during the Depression when wealthy people could
afford store-bought items, but poorer folk had to make do with homemade.
When my daughter was just beginning to eat solid food we decided not to
bother with jars of baby food, but to put some of our table food in the
blender - saving money and giving her healthier meals (or so we thought).
When my mother-in-law discovered this, she gasped in horror, "But how will
the baby get her preservatives?" (Becky Shiles)
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his
boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He
didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to
get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked
for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your
location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer
paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A
longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when
you hit shore? (Gene Spafford)
A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his
grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are
these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold
water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while
eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg
yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"Without
looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before,
those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so
picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a
nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and
wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"
So Grandpa shouted, "Cold Water, get out of the way!" (Di Say)
CONUNDRUMS FROM PUNY
How is crossing an oak seed with an opium poppy likely to help you avoid
radical eye surgery?
A Corneal Trance Plant (Gary Hallock)
Why do chess champions usually court Bohemian girls?
They always want a Czech mate. (Stan Kegel)
Why are HooverŚs machines environmental abominations? Nature abhors a
vacuum. (Lars Hanson)
Why did the minister get arrested for holding spring break services by the
ocean?
He was charged with having sects on the beach. (Scott Ryan)
When playing poker with a poet, why are you likely to receive your cards
face-up?
Heąs used to dealing inverse (Gary Hallock)
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish (Stan Kegel)
WhatŚs the difference between a pirate and a person who transports finished
iron?
One is a stealer of ships, the other a shipper of steels? (Cynch
Vernadore)
WhatŚs the biggest rock group in South Dakota?
Mount Rushmore (Gary Hallock)
Here in the bush of Alaska small general aviation aircraft often get bent a
bit and salvaged. Most of the salvage crews are interested in the major
parts, but I usually clean up a site by picking up the various engine
coverings and shrouds they leave behind. Now I have quite a few hidden in a
little storage building on stilts that was previously used to keep food
above the bear and varmits. I'm beginning to make some good money by selling
these fairings. When a local bush pilot stopped by the other day to by one
he he referred to the stash, location and revenue as my ? WHAT?
Cache Cowls (Gary Reeves )
Whenever they were faced with a problem, a certain townŚs religious leaders
always asked their sheep for advice. Why?
They were seeking ovine guidance. (Lars Hanson)
What are you likely to see at the haunted house on laundry day that's
similar to something found on your computer?
Spread Sheets (Gary Hallock)
What award winning book and movie is the story of a songbird who weighed
almost four and a half pounds?
Two Kilo Mockingbird (Stan Kegel)
During the Depression, what musical instruments were used by the Salvation
Army to call the listless needy to their soup kitchens?
Dole drums (Lars Hanson)
What did the Martian say to the liquor store owner?
łTake me to your LiterŚs!˛ (Cynthia MacGregor)
The famous opera, scheduled to be staged al fresco, had to be put on inside
the theatre after all due to inclement weather. How did the reviewer
headline his article?
"Carmen out of the rain." (Cynthia MacGregor)
What's the best kind of car to be driving when you're ready to play chicken?
A coupe. (Gary Hallock)
I was driving my Geo around town a few years back with a bunch of my buddies
crammed into it drinking various fortified wines. One of them asked my
preference, and I replied,?
"Any port in a Storm." (Jason Dias)
What is the term for a train ticket for a sleeping compartment?
A Berth Certificate (Stan Kegel)