Puns of the Weak 8/10/01

[Stan Kegel]

Puns of the Weak for the week ending 8/10/01

Correction: I tore out a bunch of pages from my Dictionary, so now
'cleanliness' is next to 'godliness'. It's a good thing I did not tear
out any more pages, or 'cleanliness' would be next to 'impossible!'
(This is by Gary Roma, the 2001 Punster of the Year)

When ducks fly upside down, they quack up, but geese never have
accidents because they honk. (Pam Shorey)

Diamond: A chunk of coal that made good under pressure (Stan Moger)

When questioned about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush stated that he
preferred the Toyota Celica. (Bob Levi)

In the well-known story of the Emperor and his new clothes, the plot
hinges on the fact that no one dared tell him he was unsuited for his
position. (Bill Rayborn)

"My law partners and I have been found guilty of illegal activities,"
said Tom with firm conviction. (Gary Hallock)

Knighthood: Honor bestowed by a king to change the subject (Art. Moger)

Money talks but with the dollar so depreciated, it no longer talks
common cents. (Louis A. Safian)

I prefer watching fashion shows just before the fall releases, when
swimsuits are half off. (Dennis M. Hammes)

A husband was asking his wife, "Tell me, dear, before we married, did
you say you were oversexed or over sex?" (Wild Billy Young)

When it comes to giving to charity, some people stop at nothing. (Hirsch
and McNair)

When they left Oz, were the Cowardly Lion discouraged, the Tin Man
disheartened, and the Scarecrow reminded? (Filfeit)

When he started losing, the boxer ended up on the beaten path. (Jumble)

Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch. (Gunjan Saraf)

An apple farmer with poor yields has to get to the core of the problem
(Pun of the Day).

What fearsome astronomical object can be found in India? The Black Hole
of Calcutta (Lars Hanson)

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall;
Twould have been a sad thing,
If he died in the spring,
But he didn't - he died in the fall.
(Powers Moulton)

The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers (Pun of the Day)

While on shore leave, the submarine crew went into a dive. (Jumble)

Postage: Length of time between sending an e-mail and its delivery (Stan Kegel)

Money can’t buy happiness. That’s why we have credit cards (Henny
Youngman)

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Humus.
Humus who?
Humus remember this, a kiss is just a kiss.
(Paul Dickson)

I never metaphrase I couldn't turn. (J. A. Mc.)

The three times the French go to church: Hatched, Matched, and
Dispatched. ( Tiff Wimberly)

Collate: Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.
(Teacher’s Lounge)

The girl thought she had met the perfect sheik until she found a
Bedouin. (Art. Moger)

Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my
mother does?" Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my
father does?" (Douglas Helsel)

What was the tow tuck trying to do in the auto race? Pull a fast one!
(Eric Watson)

The Boston police headquarters was recently overrun with thousands of
bees. Apparently it was a police sting operation. (Bree Schultz)

Agent: A well-mannered man (Harry Farkas)

A few months ago my five year old son informed us that he thought he was
"black toast intolerant." (Michael Brunelle)

“Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam. “ “You're too tents.” (Archives)

Beverage: How old a beaver is.
Damage: How old its house is. (Paul Hudson)

Did you hear about the guy who stayed at an auction to the bidder end.
(Pun of the Day)

He avoided the fancy barbershop because he didn’t want to get clipped. (Jumble)

Why did the fish get turned down by the Army? He failed his herring
test. (Cynthia MacGregor) .
Do you know why sniveling, complaining sheep are not invited to dine
at fancy restaurants? Because no one wants to have sheep whine with
gourmet food! (Chris Cole)

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son." replied the
bellboy. "How dare you call me son!!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?" (Roopal)

Avail: Face covering for ugly women. (Lexicon)

"But I've always lived just west of England," he wailed. (Weber and Bryan)

During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled
in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and
proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American
said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons. (Dave Coble)

He died as he had lived, a dirt-poor but happy farmer, Mother Nature's
caretaker in the heartland of America, and now as his son, Bud, listened
to the reading of his father's will, bequeathing his last earthly
possession, a female sheep, he could hear his father's pun-loving voice
resounding in the lawyer's reading of "This ewe's for Bud." (Jack Markov)

Genealogy: It's all relative in the end anyway. (Leigh Ann Smith)

"I have grape beverages," Tom whined with clarity. (Richard Lederer)

Do you think it's true
That when my headaches, I scream?
Yes. It's a sherbet
(Gary Hallock)

"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. (Richard Lederer)

My husband and I are seeing a marriage counsellor. Oh, we get along and
our sex life is fine. The only problem is he is so compulsive about his
clothes. Even though we both work, he wants me to come home and press
all his clothes. He even wants me to press his shorts and socks. What
does the marriage counsellor recommend we do? He says we should sit down
and try to iron out our problems. (Stan Kegel)

She loved to listen to wild music with a-band-on. (Pun of the Day)

In a new musical version of Frankenstein, as the doctor prepares to
create his monster he sings the 1940s hit "I'll be Sewing You." (Gill
Krebs)

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be
interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials. (Lee PA)

The termite comedian said, "This will bring the house down." (Pun
American News)

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother
Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick is
a fine ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is. (Dave Coble)

Are dog biscuits made from collie-flour? (Owen Lorion)

I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation
Army. (Bree Schultz)

Peter Marshall: “In ‘Alice in Wonderland’, who kept crying ‘I'm late,
I'm late?’” Paul Lynde: “Alice, and her mother is sick about it.”
(Hollywood Squares)

When young sportswriters start out in Chicago, they often cover Wrigley
Field as Cub reporters. (Harvey Gordon)

"Our paper comes out four times a month," he said weakly (Weber and Bryan).

Persuade: Soft leather made from cat skin. (Jerlyn F.)

If J.F.K. were still alive
And bore four more boys, they'd contrive
To form a rock band
Though not as dad planned
But still they would be "Jack's sons five"
(Gary Hallock)

A party for shy people is abash. (Pun of the Day)

The butcher was fired because he couldn’t cut it. (Jumble)

Where are french fries made? In Greece (Daily Groaner)

Have you heard about the three would-be opera singers who went on tour,
even though none of them could carry a tune? Their act is called The
Three Tin-ears. (Richard Lederer)

Why did the crustacean divorce her husband? He was an old crab. (Cynthia
MacGregor) .

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hyman.
Hyman who?
Hyman the mood for love
(Paul Dickson) .

Mr. Potatohead has joined the staff of CNN as their agricultural common
'tater. When asked how he gets along with new boss, Ted Turner, Mr.
Potatohead said "We see eye to eye". However, Mr. Potatohead won't be
rooting for Turner's football team, as he cheers for his cousins, the
red skins (Guy Ben Moshe)

How do snails cross the ocean? By escargo ship. (Jim Ertner)

In 1931, the world's largest shipment of hot dogs arrived from France,
because they owed us 3 million franks. (Daryl Stout)

During branding, cowboys have sore calves. (Mike Bull)

Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them. (Lars Hanson)

A witch put a spell on me, which made me act like a rooster. She
released me a couple of hours later. However, a couple of years later we
saw each other and just for old time's sake, she put the spell on me
again. I guess I experienced deja voodoo. (Clynch Varnadore)

Scabbard: A non-union poet (Stan Kegel)

What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but
play different songs? A senseless act of violins. (Twisted Humor)

She was only the Artist’s daughter, but she knew where to draw the line
(Archives)

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Llama.
Llama who?
Llama Yankee doodle dandy
(Paul Dickson)

When it comes to buying groceries, actors are not prudent consumers.
They prefer a small roll to a long loaf. (Sandra Maunello)

Debutante: The first insult (Annie Shank)

Two lawyers were eating at a curb side restaurant when a gorgeous young
woman jogged by. "Boy, I would love to screw her," said the first. The
other replied, "Out of what?" (Stan Kegel)

For the border to finish dinner took seconds. (Jumble)

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up,
I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor
replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had." (Richard Lederer)

Submission: A religious organization under water. (Tim Bruening)

A notoriously surly and boorish baseball umpire returns home after a
long road trip. He settles into his easy chair and calls his little boy
over to sit on his lap. "No," says the lad, "the son never sits on the
brutish umpire." (Paul Dickson)

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her
sleep! (Hugh Janis)

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then
complain that he's not the man she married? (Barbra Streisand)

Kindred: Fear of relatives (Michael Driscoll)

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the
kitty! (Gail S. Angel)

The other day I heard a joke about the periodic table, but I forget the
joke. I know it was the perfect joke because it had all the right
elements in it. (Gag-O-Matic)

Doctor, Doctor, you're charging me ten dollars and all you did was
paint your throat." "What did you expect for ten dollars, wallpaper?"
(Archives)

New Books: “Playing with the Christmas Fire” - Yule B. Sari (Richard Wimer)

"Where did you get that meat?" Tom bridled hoarsely. (Richard Lederer)

I saw a photo recently of a fellow in Egypt who was urinating in the
midst of a crowd of elderly gentlemen. He was the great peer amid
geezers. When the cops caught up with him they probably busted his
Cheops. (Gary Hallock)

Some people make money. Others earn it. (Henny Youngman)

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up another
point?" "Sell!." (Archives)

If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed? (Filfeit)

A band director is one person who is not afraid to face the music.
(Renee from Napa)

I choose toilet paper ... through a process of elimination. (Douglas
Helsel)

The guy who invented the tool to clean leaves off lawns must be raking
it in! (Phil Hudson)

Bill went to the chiropractor, thinking that the chiropractor wouldn't
be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few minutes, his back
felt like new. When the doctor asked, "How do you feel about
chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I stand corrected!" (Stefanio Troia)

"My Kitty died crossing the bullring," said Tom categorically. (Dennis Hammes)

Religion: Insurance in this world against a fire in the next (Stan Moger)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here
at 8:30!" He replies : "Why? What happened at 8:30?" (Bruce H. G. Calder)

What did one worm say to the other when it was late coming home? Where
in earth have you been? (Syman Hirsch)

Sign on a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
(Gail S. Angel)