Puns of the Weak 06-27-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
NASCAR has dumped Winston cigarettes as a sponsor. Around the track will
still be reminders of the tobacco company. The road will be full of tar.
(Alan Ray)
In an effort to stop the spread of the Monkeypox virus, federal
officials have banned the sale of prairie dogs. The ban drew protests
from pet store owners, animal groups, and New York City hot dog vendors.
(Conan O'Brien)
We're still looking for weapons of mass destruction. You know when I
knew we weren't going to find the weapons of mass destruction? Remember
after the war ended, a few days went by and we found all that
pornography? If you find a guy's porn, that's it, there are no more
hiding places. (Jay Leno)
It's been reported that five young men in Baghdad have started a boy
band modeled after N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. If this is true, it
means that Iraq may finally have acquired a weapon of mass destruction.
(Conan O'Brien)
Prince William's birthday party was crashed Saturday by some guy who
dressed up as Osama bin Laden. The entire Windsor family was there in
the ballroom. Had the gatecrasher been a suicide bomber, Elton John
would be the next Queen of England. (Argus Hamilton)
The Rolling Stones will give a benefit concert in Toronto to help fight
SARS. Each member of the group is chipping in as well. Keith Richards
will donate 400,000 dollars worth of his own pharmaceuticals. (Alan Ray)
In line with their recent rulings, the U. S. Supreme Court is expected
to rule that homosexuals may do whatever they want, with whomever they
wish in the privacy of their own homes, as long as they're not receiving
Federal funding for those acts. If they do receive Federal funding for
their homosexual behavior, they must ensure that their partners come
from all racial minorities. Women must always be represented in
proportion to their numbers in the general population. Lawrence v.
Texas, 02-102. (Scapple Face)
The first oil from postwar Iraq is now being shipped to the U.S. This
raises a question. If Halliburton can dig hundreds of feet into the
ground and find oil, how come it can't find weapons of mass destruction?
(Alan Ray)
President Bush spoke at a two-thousand-dollar-a-plate Republican dinner
on Wall Street Monday. He raised four million dollars in one meal. He's
keeping a promise he made to the American people that he would make
corporate wrongdoers pay. (Argus Hamilton)
Another Charlie's Angels movie is out. It's an opportunity for four of
Hollywood's top actresses to showcase what they've got. Cleavage! (Alan
Ray)
Smith College voted to eliminate all female pronouns from school
information pamphlets and curriculum. It's an all-girls school. The only
question left is, which Democrat will be the first candidate to refer to
women as Estrogen-Americans? (Argus Hamilton)
Do you know who Bob Graham is? Basically he's Dick Gephardt without the
charisma. He's a white guy, named Graham, from the south, so I guess
that would make him a 'graham cracker.' (Jay Leno)
Facing growing criticism about its inability to obtain proof of Iraq's
weapons of mass destruction, the Bush administration has hired special
weapons inspector O.J. Simpson to "help find the REAL weapons." (Kim Moser)
John Kerry and wife Teresa Heinz Kerry were profiled in Newsweek. The
widow of ketchup heir and Senator John Heinz is worth $550 million.
She's the only woman in Washington who can go from John to John and not
go to jail for pandering. (Argus Hamilton)
The Supreme Court has tossed the Texas sodomy law. Texas ranchers have
an unspoken law about sex. Unnatural acts should be between you and your
herd. (Alan Ray)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do you call a two-year-old with a ghetto blaster
A baby boomer (Pun of the Day)
What do you call a contest run by fire fighters?
A match (Mike Bull)
Why did a boy take a pencil to bed?
He wanted to draw the curtains! (Charlotte, 12 )
How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
He's a stage coach. (Lederer & Ertner)
What kind of bird is the least trustworthy?
A stool pigeon. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why is what doctors do called practice?
Because they need to have a lot of patients. (Stan Kegel)
What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
It totally cracks up! (Lynsay, 11)
What do fireflies eat?
Light snacks! (Nick, 7 )
Why did the student wear glasses during math class
Because they improve division (Pun of the Day)
What happens if a glassblower inhales while working?
He gets a pane in his stomach. (Mike Bull)
Why couldn’t the police find the robber who broke into the police
station and stole all the toilet seats?
They didn't have anything to go on. (Jokes Galore)
Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?
Because time will tell. Kid's Jokes)
Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks (Kid's Jokes)
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (Daily Groaner)
What happened when an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
She thought she'd dye. (Stan Kegel)
Why was the big cat thrown out of the card game?
Because he was a cheetah (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
Why doess it take a baseball player so long to runb from second to third base?
Because there is a short stop in the middle (Rodrigo, 8)
Can a shoe box?
No. But a tin can (Rachael, 11)
What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho Cheese. (Mike Bull)
What happened when cannibals ate a missionary?
They got a taste of religion. (Mike Bull)
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side (Della, 8)
What is the medical student’s favorite part of a textbook?
The Appendix (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?
The Lone Ranger. (Carl, 9)
What did the envelope say to the stamp?
"Stick with me and we'll go places." (Lynn, 6)
What is the best time to bring your father to class?
When you have a pop quiz (Joshua, 7)
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
Because he wanted to have a balanced meal (Emelia, 10)
What do you call a piece of snow that forgets to fall?
A real flake (Yea Ram, 8)
Why was the shoe unhappy?
Because his father was a loafer and his mother a sneaker..(Kid's Jokes)
Why couldn’t they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?
Because the home team lost the opener (Daily Groaner)
What did Snow White say to the photographer?
Some day my prints will come (Yahooligans)
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves. (Kid's Jokes)
What's the best way to make a pair of trousers last?
Make the coat first (Yahooligans)
What did the mama broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep! (Renee, 9)
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. (Jim Ertner)
Did you hear about the impersonator who stole a horse and made the mail
run?
He was a phony express rider. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the mushroom say about her Valentine's date?
He's a fungi (Daily Groaner)
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Stepping in a poodle or hailing taxicabs (Lee Hogan)
What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce ?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast. (Jim Ertner)
"Doctor! Doctor! I can't stop stealing things!"
"Take a seat. I'll be with you in a moment." (Miranda, 11)
What do you get when you cross a camera and a crocodile?
A snapshot! (Lauren, 8)
What do you call a travelling flea?
An itch-hiker (Emilio, 11)
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball (Yahooligans)
What's the problem with twin witches?
You can never tell which witch is which! (Haley, 10)
How do Priests travel?
By holy-copter (Daily Groaner)
RIDDLES
Why do bartenders dislike serving giraffes?
Because a giraffe makes one drink go a long way. (Stan Kegel)
What is another good two-word definition of "horse sense"?
Stable intelligence. (Ty Kaus)
What two articles of clothing might be most appropriate a woman selling flowers?
Petal pushers and bloomers (Gary Hallock)
Why was the quarterback a lousy bridge player?
Because he liked to pass. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are (MyStacy).
A bricklayer named Robert asked a coworker if he could borrow a certain
tool which is used to determine if something is vertical. The coworker
handed him a piece of fruit on a string. Robert asked "What is this?"
What was the coworker's response?
"It's a plum, Bob!" (Clynch Varnadore)
What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your
suit, he will still take you to the cleaners. (Stan Kegel)
What are Native American moving men in Warsaw known as?
Totem Poles.. (Ty Kaus)
COMICS
Clerk to flashing customer: “Underwear is Aisle 9” (That’s Life: Michael Twoby)
Patient with checkerboard-like rash. Dermatologist: “Uh-Oh! It looks
like a case of taxidermy!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Ever since all the king’s horses and men couldn’t put Humpty together,
he never felt he was all he was cracked up to be (Loodcartoons: Myke
Ashley–Cooper)
What can brain surgeons do for sore heads? (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“I i understand he is a hawk on defense, a dove on foreign relations and
an ostrich on the deficit.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Little white lies always get tanned when exposed (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
ONE-LINERS:
A century ago women wore unmentionables; today they wear nothing to
speak of. (Marsha Coleman)
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end
is in sight. (MyStacy)
A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now." (MyStacy)
Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so
correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without
water." (Kahan Ho)
When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error, and when
he has a good idea he is supposed to parish the thought. (Pun of the
Day)
I used to work with a fellow who only made mental bets. He ended up
losing his mind. (Gag-O-Matic)
Two friends who had just got out of jail met at a hotel and became inn
mates. (Mike Bull)
Ed with a deathgrip-like clutched the decayed, gas-bloated calf carcass
to his soiled leisure suit and pleaded shrilly to the unamused
stewardess, "but the rules say, it's okay to take along carrion
luggage!" (Jaan Pesti)
As Mick Jagger's personal orthopedist, Frank had a long and successful
career which reached its high point when the rock star's leg broke and
he alone was able to cast the first Stone. (Jeffrey Anbinder and Henry Bial)
In 1955 The first flea market opened. They started from scratch. (Daryl Stout)
When a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door you should vitamin! (MyStacy)
On his first day on the job as a butcher, Frank backed into the meat
grinder and, before he knew it, he had gotten a little behind in his
orders. (Jeff Ottney)
His new job replacing windshields wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
(Pun of the Day)
A computer that is made out of a tree, has a bark much worse than it's
byte! (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
The vacationers stumbled at the hotel door and had a bad trip. Then they
booked into the hotel and had suite dreams. (Mike Bull)
Michael brought a small butter knife and a tub of margarine into his
tiny room, removed his shirt, and patted himself on the back. (Kenneth Leffler)
He quit his job designing clothes to become a man of the cloth. (Pun of
the Day)
In 1954 A briefcase for attorneys was made from banana skins; for t
hose lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases. (Daryl Stout)
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow
women. (Groucho Marx)
Captains of ships don't like crew cuts. (Pun of the Day)
Lady Jessica could appreciate sentimental value as well as the next
person, but she really felt deep down that old family retainers were not
the best solution for her overbite. (Lucy West)
Two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street. They were
arch enemies. (MyStacy)
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police
car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and drive, we'll provide
the chasers." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Our preacher is leaving the church on Sunday and the congregation wants
to give him a little momentum (Reader’s Digest)
After a few drinks the hunter and his rifle were both loaded, (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
Gloria was a woman of violent contrasts: her navel-white, soft, and
desirable, was an innie, while her car, black, swift, and powerful, was
an Audi. (Brian W. Holmes)
The Cannes crowd booed at the screening of my feature–length film about
Dobermans, but they absolutely adored … my boxer shorts. (June T. Munger)
My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse,then she got a
little buggy. (MyStacy)
He's a man of convictions and he has served time for each one. (Sandra Wilson)
In 1905 Tweezers were first made. Everyone thought they would do in a
pinch. (Daryl Stout)
Straw hats are no longer in their hay day. (Mike Bull)
Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned
a Rolls-Kinardly. "What is a Rolls-Kinardly?" his friend asked. "That,"
the man explained, Is a car that rolls down one hill "and kinardly get
up the next." (Kahan Ho)
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a
woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures
into something she'd like to have dinner with. (Bambi)
GROANERS:
A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition
in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have
something unique about it. After much thought, they decided to set up
shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added
bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry
work being performed during the crossing. The business quickly became
known as the Tooth Ferry. (Simon Champion)
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event
was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to
the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the
chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the
pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total
commitment." (MeMail)
During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point
gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When
the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young
musician from the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal
disobedience." (Tyler Kaus)
In the midst of a busy morning, the county agricultural agent got a call
from a woman who said she was starting a chicken farm and wanted to know
how long she should leave the rooster with the hens. "Just a minute,"
said the agent, who was busy talking on another phone. "Thank you very
much," said the woman, and hung up. (Reader’s Digest)
William Penn's mother had two spinster sisters who ran a boarding house.
They were pretty set in their ways and despite the fact that they could
easily charge $5 for a room in their boarding house they only charged a
mere $3.14. Word spread quickly to traveler's in Pennsylvania that this
house was the cheapest place to stay. Their inexpensive fees became
known as the Pi Rates of Penn's Aunts. (Tiff Wimberly)
My son was assigned to write a research report on a historical figure.
He spent several hours on the Internet one weekend sifting through
slow-loading sites, many of which had little pertinent information.
Once, I checked in on him and found him staring blankly at the screen.
"What's the matter?" I asked. In a tired voice, he replied, "I'm
surf-bored." (Terry Tubman)
Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee
said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging
out? I haven't seen him for a while." The Senior Exec replied "Haven't
you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky." "Good Lord,"
replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right ? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account
and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after." (Archives)
Father O'Flaherty pulled his spindle chair closer to the rectory table,
eyed his usual evening repast of purloined sacramental wine, Stilton,
and Brie displayed before him, and murmured contentedly, … "What a
friend we have in cheeses!" (Jim Ratzenberger)
Late one evening, during the tax season, a tired and irritable man was
poring over his 1099s and various voluminous records, trying to figure
out how much he was forced to pay to the government. In the middle of
his calculations, he chanced to look out the window at a bright,
star-studded sky. Suddenly, he laughed and broke out singing, "The stars
at night, are big and bright, deep in the hurt of taxes." (Tyler Kaus)
Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow workers, a secretary from
our office who runs regularly was especially motivated to get to the gym
after work. Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food, suggested that
she run an extra lap for him. As she was leaving the office, she called
to the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on
your lap in half an hour!" Then realizing what she'd just said, her face
turned red before her workout. (Don LaPresto)
A professor of American literature had a son and daughter who were polar
opposites. The daughter was an early-riser, who always got down to
breakfast on time. The boy, however, had to be awakened several times
before he would arrive at the breakfast table -always late. One morning,
however, the boy surprised everyone. He woke up by himself and appeared
at the table at the same time as his prompt sister. His astonished
father proclaimed, "Wonders never cease! The son also rises." (Tyler Kaus)
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check
and took him down to the station. While the of- ficers were distracted,
the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no
problem: the police then wait- ed five or six hours and then charged the
guy with passing a bad check twice. (Daily Groaner)
Two military officers, one Army and one Navy, were on a safari in
Africa, and they bet a pint of ale on who would shoot the first lion.
The Army man immediately headed into the jungle, whereas the Navy pilot
found a jet and shot a lion from the air. This proves that a strafed
lion is the shortest distance between two pints. (Lederer & Ertner)
Not many people realize that as a youngster, Marlon Brando's goal in
life was to become a security guard at the local prison. After getting
out of school, the first thing he did was go to the prison and ask for
an application, but he was told they weren't hiring. Disappointed, he
signed up for a stint in the Army, but not one week later did he find a
want ad in the newspaper saying "LOCAL PRISON NEEDS GUARDS." Unable to
break his Army commitment he uttered the now-famous line: … "I coulda
been a con tender!"
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in
the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would
you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes later,
Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's
fine, except that now shes angry with you." "At me?" the woman exlaimed.
"Whatever for?" She said, ... "It's none of your business how old she is."
When William Shakespeare was a teenager, he had the habit of leaving
scraps of his writings all over the house. One day, when scribbled pages
from King Lear and Hamlet were strewn on all the chairs and tables, his
mother said resignedly, "Where there's a Will, there's a play." (Tyler Kaus)
There is an artist in the south of France who cultivates carp in the
natural pool in his garden. When the carp attain full growth, he catches
them, skins them, and makes gentlemen's wallets out of the skins. He is
famous for his carp to carp walleting. (Bennett Cerf)
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do
they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well ... they feel a bit tight."
replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the
shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the
clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says. (Douglas
Helsel)
A bunch of frogs was conducting the annual "Ribbit" Contest. One of the
group, a big bullfrog, won the contest almost every year. This time,
however, one of the other frogs remarked that the Big Boy wasn't in very
good voice during the practice warm-up session, remarking that he
sounded like he had a human in his throat. "Yes," said another frog.
"Today, he's not what he's croaked up to be." (Tyler Kaus)
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks
them what they'll have. ? The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent
inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive." The second vampire says,
"I'll have a glass of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the
desig- nated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The wait- ress
turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood
lite!" (Daily Groaner)
Greta enters an important breaststroke competition. The starting gun
goes off, and, while all the other contestants plunge into the pool and
flail through the water, Greta simply floats face down on the surface.Of
course Greta finishes two hours behind all the other swimmers, and one
conscientious reporter has waited to interview her. "Greta, why did you
simply float while all the others swam the breaststroke?""Those women
cheated! Nobody told me you could use your arms!" (Richard Lederer)
DEFINITIONS:
Drug Store: A really big heroin stash. (Joseph Leff)
Exasperating: A procession of your former spouses showing off their bare
derrieres. (Gary Hallock)
Assail: The retail price (Stan Kegel)
Fortress: In favor of dresses.. (Tim Breuning)
Tension: What the officer commands his troops to do. (Stan Kegel)
Diode: making your relatives wait a long time to inherit your estate.
(B. Michael)
Arrange: A stove (Stan Kegel)
Abominable: Terrorism against farm animals! (Johann von Haupkopf)
Carpet: Cat or dog who lives in your automobile (Cynthia MacGregor)
Antacid: A caustic chemical made from an insect. (Joseph Leff)
Lambaste: An essential step in roasting mutton (Cynthia MacGregor)
Sanking: Practical negative reinforcement (Readers Digest)
Artificial: The person in charge of the exhibit of paintings. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Accost: The wholesale price (Stan Kegel)
Vitamin: What you do when you see a doctor standing outside your door.
(Sandy Sibert)
Cabaret: Line of taxis (Cynthia MacGregor)
Appear: An extension into the ocean frequently a site used for fishing
(Stan Kegel)
Forbear: In favor of nudity. (Tim Breuning)
Bacitracin: The art of diagramming or outlining bacilli and other
bacteria. An artistic skill required early in medical school. (Sandy Sibert)
Police: Contract to rent to the author of "The Raven" (Cynthia MacGregor)
POETRY
O'er the turtle depression befell.
To a shrink all his woes he did tell.
"You are simply too shy,"
Said the doc, "And that's why
You should really come out of your shell."
(Carol's Humor)
If your wife feels bad
And is really sad
At finding another wrinkle,
It's hard to know
What will make her glow,
But somehow I think a mink'll.
(Lederer & Ertner)
Two surgeons had two pairs of socks
And two machines for their laundry wash.
But half of each pair got mysteriously swapped,
Resulting in an odd-looking pair-o-docs.
(Simon Champion)
Her nerves are her ruin
She’s so very high-strung that
She’s quite out of tune
(John S. Crosbie)
Quasimodo was hurting a bunch.
Saw the doctor; his spine had gone Crunch!
"Something's wrong with your back."
"Doc, what makes you say that?"
The physician replied, "Just a hunch."
(Carol's Humor)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I'll glue the sheets of wood back together," Tom replied. (Richard Lederer)
"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table," Tom supposed. (Gill Krebs)
“I used to be a miner," Tom exclaimed. (Richard Lederer)
"This tooth extraction could take for ever," said Tom with infinite
wisdom (Gill Krebs)
The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. and
Canadian governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom with
superior knowledge (Gill Krebs)
"1 used to be a pilot," Tom explained. (Richard Lederer)
"We need a 10-gauge needle", Tom hypothesized. (Gill Krebs)
"My left eye has been slowly shifting over to the right side of my
face!" Tom floundered. (Trevor Dennis)
"I'll take the girl to the dance," Tom promised. (Richard Lederer)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
ADMIRAL LIKES TO MAKE WAVES (Richard Lederer)
On TV's "Pro Bowlers Tour," the M.C: was talking about one of the
bowlers and said, "This boy has been in tighter shituations than this!"
(Kermit Schafer)
Congressman: “If we don’t stop shearing the wool off the goose that lays
the golden egg, we are going to pump the well dry.” (Readers Digest)
FRIED CHICKEN COOKED IN MICROWAVE WINS TRIP (Richard Lederer)
An American impresario, preparing a concert program, instructed his new
secretary to expand all abbreviations (Op. into Opus, for example)
before sending the program to the printer. Later, in the printer's
proof, he found: "Bach: Massachusetts in B Minor." (Reader’s Digest)
42 PERCENT OF ALL MURDERED WOMEN ARE KILLED BY THE SAME MAN (Richard Lederer)
NEWSCASTER: "After the girl was killed, it appeared she was sexually
amused. . . I mean sexually abused!" (Kermit Schafer)
BEACHES ALL WASHED UP (Richard Lederer)
On WJW-TV in Cleveland they were showing the movie, "Cry Rape!" A scene
showed a young girl who came to her husband and said, "Honey, I was just
raped! (They then cut to a commercial) "at a Sears and Roebuck Store."
(Kermit Schafer)
MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Hippie gal at the complaint Dept. returning a vibrator: "I'm getting bad
vibes, man!" (Mr. Giggles)
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic
pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been,
she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So
she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley." (Bill Stebbins)
Did you hear about the nurse who couldn't swim? They found her under the
doc. (Curly David)
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing really
short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she
climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's
yours?" "Me, I'm June, June Hansen," she said. After a short while she
asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, having eight
inches of Snow in June?" (Bill Stebbins)
"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all
these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?" He smiled
and replied, "Test me." (Judy's Jokes)
Some wives claim that if you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's
tied up at the office. (Playboy)
Jim came home from a hard day at the office and dragged himself into the
bedroom. He dropped his shirt and tie on a chair, kicked his shoes into
a corner, then turned on the light, preparatory to putting away some
business papers. He was nonplussed to discover a strange man in his bed,
unconcernedly resting his head on Jim's wife's bare chest. "What -what
in the world are you doing here?" Jim stammered. "Just listening to some
music," the stranger replied. "But I don't hear any music," Jim
insisted. "That's 'cause you're not plugged in."
The wondrously stacked blonde appeared at her door in a strapless
evening gown that defied gravity. "Terrific!" said her admiring escort.
"I don't see what holds that dress up!" "Play your cards right, dear,
and you will," she murmured. (Playboy)
"Nice threads, man. Where'd you pick 'em up?" "My old lady got them for
me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me. I
came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging
over the chair in the bedroom." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her
own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl,
but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably
passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I
see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a
couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and
relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours." (Playboy)
My Uncle Max has had chronic diarrhea and bloody stools. His physician
referred him to a proctologist who discovered he had diverticulitis. It
was recommended that he have half of his colon surgically removed. It
was really a rough period in his life, because he knew that would leave
him with only a semi-colon! When my uncle asked me for my advice, I
thought I would be a real comma-dian. So I told him I was glad it wasn't
my asterisk. (Archives)
Moses to God: “Now let me get this straight! The Arabs get the oil and
we have to cut off the ends of our what?” (Ed Kotler)
A cute young thing was consulting a psychiatrist. Among other questions,
the doctor asked, "Are you troubled at all by indecent thoughts?" "Why,
no," she replied, with just the hint of a twinkle in her eye. "To tell
you the truth, doctor, I rather enjoy them." (Playboy)
A gourmet friend of ours advises that when preparing a dish for bedtime,
champagne makes the best tenderizer. (Playboy)
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO." (Tiger)
How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears. (Curt Dayton)
"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all
these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?" He smiled
and replied, "Test me." (Judy's Jokes)
When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for
16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell. "Sorry to
bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons
of milk today?" "Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to
take a milk bath." "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No, just up to my tits
would be fine." (Coop’s Jokes)
Hippie gal at the complaint Dept. returning a vibrator: "I'm getting bad
vibes, man!" (Mr. Giggles)
Three old women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My
husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The second
said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." The third said, "Mine
is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while
it's still going." (Tiger)
You can lie down during a one-night stand. (Curly David)
“But, Robert," she gasped, "why did you park here when there are so many
nicer spots farther down the road?" He stopped what he was doing just
long enough to mutter, "Because I believe in love at first site."
(Playboy)
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service. (Archives)
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. (Bambi)
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss
across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the
suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered,
she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, "Tell my
husband to get his ass across the street." "Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice
replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some time now." (Big
Daddy Cool)
The pretty young thing approached the ship's steward. "Can you tell me
where I might find the captain?" she asked. "The captain is forward,
miss," he replied. "That's all right," she said giggling. "This is a
pleasure cruise, isn't it?" (Playboy)
The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working. At
this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago. (Lucy Ratcliff)