Jest For Kids Weakly 03-16-04
Stan Kegel
Riddles and Puns for the 6 to 14 year olds
HOLIDAY PUNS – SAINT PATRICK'S DAY
What's an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls called?
Rick O'Shea (Jokes2U)
What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A Sham Rock (Candy Silver)
When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When its a French fry. (Candy Silver)
What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
Top o' the moaning!" (Tiger)
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter! (Candy Silver)
Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?
Yeah, but only a little! (Kegel Archives)
What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant (Candy Silver)
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Sure now, but them regular rocks be way to heavy, don't you know.
(Cascade Express)
What do you say to a leprechaun?
How's the weather down there. (Emily and Aaron)
Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they're very short-tempered! (Kegel Archives)
"Daddy, What did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland in?"
"I give up."
"A Dodge Viper!"
"Now how could he afford one of those on his salary?" (Adam: Brian Bassett)
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
(Daily Groaner)
'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is
called Pat!!' (Sean)
HOLIDAY PUNS * THE IDES OF MARCH
The Roamin' Senate spent a long time debating whether tax day, the day
they all should beware, was to be on the fourteenth or the fifteenth of
March. Finally, they took a vote, and the forgone conclusion was: The
Ides have it. (Alan B. Combs)
Caesar sends Brutus to bring him 12 apples. Brutus returns with the
apples and Caesar counts them but finds only 10 apples. He turns to
Brutus and angrily says: "Et two, Brutus?" (Kegel Archives)
Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony comes into the throne
room and shouts, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty Caesar!" Julius jumps up
from his throne and angrily shouts, "How dare you hail while I am
reigning!" (Kegel Archives)
JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES
Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip. (Bill Brabant)
How does a dog stop a VCR?
He presses the paws button. (Linda, 6)
What did the dryer say to the washer?
Let's go for a spin (William Brabant)
Why did the sheriff arrest the coat hangers
For holding up the clothes (Zachary, 9)
What is it called when two cellular phones run into each other?
A close call (Armani, 8)
Why won't people ever go to the moon for their vacation?
Because it lacks atmosphere. (William Brabant)
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher?
A lot of blood tests (Chantelle, 11)
What do you call an X that just got out of the bathtub?
A clean X (Haseb, 8)
Did you hear about the snake that caught a cold?
It adder viper nose. (Lederer & Ertner)
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad. (Carol Silver)
What horses keep late hours?
Nightmares. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why shouldn't you tell pigs secrets?
Because they are squealers (Amy, 7)
Where's the English Channel?
I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up. (Doug Helsel)
What is a marching band's favorite month
March (Diana, 11)
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer. (Carol Silver)
What does Brazil produce that no other country produces?
Brazilians. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why do mummies like the holidays?
Because of all the wrapping (Kristen, 9)
What has two hands but no arms?
A clock. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What keys do not open doors?
Monkeys (Pete, 11)
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the baa-baa shop (Kelly, 8)
What sound does a 24-karat phone make?
It has a gold ring (Sarah, 9)
Why did the boy say moo?
Because he was a cow boy (Morgan, 13)
What type of phones do imposters use?
Phoneys (Betty Debnam)
What surgery do dolls get?
Plastic surgery (Harry, 9)
What is the difference between a pursued deer and a midget witch?
One is a hunted stag, the other a stunted hag. (Richard Lederer)
What did the shark say when he bumped into the whale?
I didn't do it on porpoise (Betty Debnam)
What kind of cattle laugh?
Laughing stock. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do you call a sick crocodile?
An illigator. (Lederer & Ertner)
What is the difference between a jumping sorcerer and a crying reptile?
One is a leaping wizard, the other a weeping lizard. (Richard Lederer)
Where should you never take a dog?
To the flea market. (Jo, 8)
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice. (Carol Silver)
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin (Liz, 11)
Did you hear about the amoeba state prison?
It's so small that it has only one cell. (Lederer & Ertner)
What is the difference between a church bell and a crooked politician?
One peals from the steeple, the other steals from the people. (Richard Lederer)
"What's the difference between a dog and a painter?
One sheds his coat and the other coats his shed. (Lannie, 11)
What is the difference between a church bell and a crooked politician?
One peals from the steeple, the other steals from the people. (Richard
Lederer)
What do you call a large, angry seabird?
An alba-cross. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the skeleton get a tattoo?
Because he was bad to the bone. (Shane, 10)
How did the ghost cross the street?
Very scarefully! (Candy, 14)
Two robins lying in the sun. A cat eats them. What does the cat say?
"I love Baskin-Robbins" (Scarlet, 8)
Did you hear about the alligators that joined the FBI?
They were investigators. (Lederer & Ertner)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
The Stock Market Report:
Kite sales hit an all-time high.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Windows were breaking all records.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Frog legs took a jump.
Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Mouse sales have been squeaking by.
Books have just about recovered.
Glues are just holding their own.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Kitchen wears are really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
Bed sheets are selling short.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Light bulb sales are dimming badly.
Springs are bouncing back.
Cracker sales are crumbling.
Wash machines are just going through their cycles.
The profits on foods are being eaten away.
Electric fan sales are breezing by. (David Young)
Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
Girl: No. Because you make me sick. (William Brabant)
He had a bottle of beer with him since he had just been called to the
bar. (Micheline)
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in ... . what happens to the other penny? (George Carlin)
A dog not only has a fur coat. It also has pants. (Zach Stavis)
In Australia a kangaroo was hit by a car and rushed to a Vet. The next
morning, the Vet was making his rounds and asked his assistant, "Was
this 'roo brought here to die?" "No Doctor." she replied. "He was
brought here yesterdie." (Fred Barling)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
An apple farmer with poor yields has to get to the core of the problem. (Micheline)
Famed fat detective Nero Wolfe had a brother Vladimir who was even
fatter. He was known as the Big Vlad Wolfe. (Bob Dvorak)
Call me embittered, but I lost a mother and two brothers to the Cola
Wars, and I'll be darned if I'm going to lose my pop! (Michael Cunningham)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
School bus driver: “I used to agonize about all my problems. Then I
realized all my problems are behind me.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
"What is a last will and testament?" "A dead giveaway" (Ginger Meggs:
James Kemsley)
Boy talking about his little sister: She’s a spoiled brat, She always
gets the benefit of the pout. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Since I got married life's a picnic. We eat off paper plates. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
Playing poker: "Alright, guys, throw in your ante." Woman thrown on
table: "I better not lose. She's my mom's only sister." (Pearls Before
Swine: Stephen Pastis)
"That's amazing. You've has sixteen husbands?!" "Yup. Four better, four
worse, four richer and four poorer." (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Woman planting potatoes, carrots, onions, beets: "Every year about this
time, Tia Caren gets back to her roots" (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)
Hilda's so full of herself. Everyone knows what surgeons do. She doesn't
have to keep referring to her son as being on the cutting edge of
medicine. (The Sunshine Club: Howie Schneider)
“Did you know our neighboring kingdom has a gross national product twice
the size of ours?” “What do they sell?” “Manure” “That’s gross all
right” (Wizard of Id: Parker & Hart) *
"Miss Phelps is pushing a 'Ban Belly Buttons' dress code." "That woman
is a creaky old battleship!" "Yeah, a navel destroyer." "She can't do
this. The Constitution says we have a right to bare arms. If I can bare
my arms, I can bare my belly button!" (Luann, Greg Evans)
Prosperity: Period between last installment and next down payment.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Two angels looking down on earth: "He'll never get those dinosaurs on
that dinky little ark, (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves, 1982)
The constitution: Bill of Rights "Why did they include the First
Amendment?" "So they could argue about the other nine." (Frank & Ernest:
Bob Thaves)
Two dinosaurs talking about a third: "He's a real nut. He says that
someday we'll all be worth $1.50 a gallon. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves, 1988)
Couple at marriage counselor. Man talking: "It started during the
ceremony. Instead of 'Here Comes The Bride.' She had the organist play,
'Hail To The Chief.'" (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
"Grandpa, we just passed De Luca's right?" "Yes!" "And it’s a bar,
right?" "Right" "So, does that mean were lawyers now?" "No, Ruthie,
that's not what 'passing the bar' means." "Oh." (One Big Happy: Rick Delone)
Frank & Ernie reading an explanation of Photosynthesis: "Hey, Frank,
look at that! I've always wondered why people get fat and plants don't.
Now I know!" "What's the answer?" "Plants are light eaters" (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Caddy to golfer: "No sir, when I said you have selected the wrong club,
I didn't mean with which to play, I meant at which to play," (Real Life
Adventures: Wise & Aldrich)
Free advise costs nothing until you use it. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"And this invitation to a baptism is also addressed to Mr. and Mrs.
Harold Glick. The Mr. part always comes first. Don't you see what this
is? Mail Chauvinism!" (Potluck Parish, Mark O'Neill)
Two monkeys talking to a third who's wearing a suit: "Lou, we think
you're jumping the gun on this Darwin thing." (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves, 1981)
Worrying about getting sick makes you ill before your time. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
Angel to God: "No offense, but I think you should have taken more than
six days." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves, 1981)