Puns of the Weak 11-15-04
Stan Kegel
THE ONE-LINERS
My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him
to come out of the closet. (Bill Kelly)
My friend got a part in a play. It's not a speaking role. She just walks on,
picks up a piece of old-fashioned jewelry, puts it on around the leading
lady's neck, and walks off again. It's a cameo appearance. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
A homemade jar of jelly is usually sealed with a layer of warm liquid
parrafin that cools to form a cap until use. This proceedure was discovered
by Lars and Martin Ktevig - a pair of Finns. (Gary Reeves
"My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause." (6 year old boy to his teacher)
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but
why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever
had." (Gail S. Angel)
The little boy was horsing around in the library. The librarian confronted
him and said. "Please be quiet, the people around you can"t read." "They
can't?" the boy said. Then what are they doing in the library?" (Katrina
Black)
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I asked
the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and tried to push my crutches
out from under me!. (Marsha Coleman)
Puns about broken change machines don't make any cents. (Sandy Sibert)
My doctor made a startling discovery the other day. It seems diarrhea is
genetic. It runs in the genes. (Allen Larck from Ruminations)
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it
down. (Douglas Helsel)
She enjoyed knitting even at some inopportune times. For example, while she
was driving her car, she weaved in and out of traffic. (James Ertner )
I attended a baseball game in Bangkok. I left after the 15th inning. It was
still a Thai ballgame. (SGT Snorkel)
What did the music of the Rolling Stones became in a nation when it was
outlawed?
The greatest rock and roll banned. (Howard Lee)
I would think that when God needs a break from the pressure of running of
the universe, He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets to temporarily
relieve His omnipotence. (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
She thinks Picasso is a leader of cubism. I think she's wrong. I'm pretty
sure it's Castro. (Gary)
The Montreal baseball team doesn't like to play extra inning games because
they don't want their fans to be over-Exposed. (Charles A. George)
If someone is able to predict what sort of pastries are in the bakery box,
would he be considered an eclairvoyant? (Gary Hallock)
Have you heard about the blind woman with a Jewish boyfriend? She said to
him, "Funny, you don't feel Jewish." (Marsha Coleman)
When the nun played the piccolo, her fellow sisters said they enjoyed the
trill of the chaste. (pun jab)
The ex-boxer wrote a book describing how much fun his sport was. He called
it, The Joy of Socks. (SGT Snorkel)
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had
14 kids, but she doesn't really care. (The Mouthpiece)
Sometimes when I'm camping out with good friends and lying under the stars,
I get to feeling kinda guilty. Because they ARE my friends, and I shouldn't
be lying to them like that. (Fanny Bright from Ruminations)
When the man ran his arm through his neighbor's storm door, he said to his
neighbor, "I feel your pane." (pun jab)
Anybody who can remember when "boobs" meant "the dumb kids" surely qualifies
for middle age. (Irene Ariel Mystery)
She always flirts with the butcher, playing for bigger steaks. (Misty Houpt)
Scientists studying the sun have a flare for research. (Pun of the Day)
If money is the root of all evil, is beer money the root beer of all evil
beers? (Randy Lee From Ruminations)
I was visiting friends in the capitol of Bulgaria. I asked them where I
could sit. They told me to sit on the Sofia. (Sgt Snorkel)
I enjoy playing bingo at the state fair -- the competition is always in
tents! (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number
you get in a diamond. (Mae West)
The mother took her child's temperature and studied the mercury column as it
rose up the thermometer. It was far in height above normal. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
When James Bond slept through the earthquake, he was shaken but not stirred.
(Pun of the Day)
I put a new disc into my DVD player yesterday and it refused to play it,
telling me the disc was dirty. Just my luck to get a DVD player with
morals. (Scott E. Frank From Ruminations)
The ex-boxer wrote a book describing how much fun his sport was. He called
it, The Joy of Socks. (SGT Snorkel)
QUOTES
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but The Bible says love thy enemy. (Bob
Welk)
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter. (Winston Churchill)
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days
I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E. Lewis)
Life is like surfing, you might catch a good wave and it will be a fun ride,
but watch out for those sharks. (Moni)
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he
knows that you are slightly cracked. (Bernard Meltzer)
When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my
one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron. (Lee Trevino)
I believe all drunks go to heaven, because they've been put through hell on
Earth. (Liza Minnelli)
What is it with all these ads that say "Get the credit you deserve"? I don't
want the credit I deserve, I want the credit someone with good credit
deserves! (Clynch Varnadore)
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
(Margaret Mead)
Listening speaks louder than words. (Mardy Grothe)
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as
easily as lying down. (Woody Allen)
A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go. (James
Duffecy)
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely
fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for
public office. (George Bernard Shaw)
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route! (Fred
Barling)
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman? (Woody Allen)
The penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws. (Sandy Sibert)
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs. (Andrea)
I think the longer I look good, the better gay men feel. (Cher)
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the
time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers. (Edgar Watson Howe)
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome. (Isaac Asimov)
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of
underwear. (Woody Allen)
If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going. (Irwin
Corey)
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist. (Aaron Machado)
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me
sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." (Garrison Keillor)
An ounce of proof is worth a ton of assertions. (Anon.)
Wal-mart? Do they like make walls there? (Paris Hilton)
I've been noticing gravity since I was very young. (Cameron Diaz)
PUNY CONUNDRUMS
What is the inherent danger in cloning inhabitants of Middle Earth?
It may be Hobbit forming (Stan Kegel)
Why are the church bell ringers so very popular with the Catholic
parishioners
They have mass appeal (Gary Hallock)
Why is a forty-niner like a hunting dog?
Both might be golden retrievers (Lars Hanson)
What is the term given to a women who is constantly collecting clothing and
other artifacts believed to have belonged to famous women such as Florence
Nightingale, Mother Theresa, and Joan d'Arc.
A Heroine Addict (Stan Kegel)
What does a study of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean student protests have in
common with a study of mercy killings?
Both deal with youth in Asia (Lars Hanson)
When Yellowstone National Park decide to celebrate the anniversary of having
established a buffalo game reserve in 1800, they decided to call it their
what?
Bison-tennial (Ken Pinkham)
What would you call a mixture of imported and domestic salmon?
Combination Lox (Stan Kegel)
Where in the world should one go to meet with a girl from another country
for the purpose of going out?
At the International Date Line (Clynch Varnadore)
What's the best way to learn the sausage business?
From the ground up (Gary Hallock)
What do you call a rabbit that has never left the warren?
An ingrown hare (By Stan Kegel)
Why was the baby sheep's wool so slick and shiny?
It was lamb-inated (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do the Eiffel Tower, tapeworms and deadbeat in-laws all have in common?
They are all parasites (Paris sites) (Ken Pinkham)
What might you say to tell the cows and sheep it is time to sleep?
It's pasture bedtime (Lars Hanson)
Mr. Hyde spent half the evening terrorizing young ladies of the village and
finally had cornered a woman and was about to have his way with her. Much to
his distress the serum suddenly wore off and he reverted to his original
personality before he could commit the heinous act. You might say he
suffered from what?
Premature Jekylation (Gary Hallock)
The local Magician's Society has been looking for someone to sponsor a mind
reader's show. A prominent Arab businessman offered, but was turned down in
favor of a local Protestant businessman's support. Why?
The Protestant was a fundamentalist. (Lars Hanson)
What do you call a nun with a sex change?
A Trans Sister (Clynch Varnadore)
What movie starring Tom Hanks tells the story of how a Urologist cures a
famous fast ball pitcher from Texas after a line drive hits him in the
crotch?
Saving Ryan's Privates? (Ken Pinkham)
What might you call a one-eyed baby doctor who got all of his training from
reading volumes of Britanica?
An encyclopspediatrician (Gary Hallock)
Ed and Ted Wong were driving due north, but they missed their exit that
would've taken them due east. Close behind, Orville and Wilbur Wright were
traveling with their brother. They were also heading due north. They took
an exit that had them heading in the opposite direction from where the first
group should've been heading. How can this sequence of events be summed up?
Two Wongs don't make a right. But three Wrights make a left. (Scott
Ryan)
I took my son to TGIFriday's for his twenty-first birthday. At the stroke of
midnight, he called Billy, the bartender over and asked him to recommend a
drink. Billy told him that he made the best margaritas in town and suggested
he order one. What should I tell my son about this recommendation?
Take it with a grain of salt (Stan Kegel)
Why did the guy who played shortstop have so much trouble fitting in with
the men's choir?
He couldn't stay on bass (Gary Hallock)