Puns of the Weak 10/26/01
Stan Kegel
What did the Mohel bring to the ceremony that sounded like it was for
dinner?
A Bris kit (Ken Pinkham)
I got my mail yesterday, and outwardly it looked fine. I could see
nothing wrong with any of the mail, except for one piece. I examined it
closely, but it was only when I got my magnifying glass that the shock
hit me. There it was ... ant tracks. (Paul Benoit)
People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking
on Eire. (Pun of the Day)
The designer preferred the hemline over two feet. (Jumble)
Head Waiter: Someone whose job is putting people in their place. (Stan Kegel)
All of Noah's animals went on board the arc in pairs. Except the worms.
They went in apples. (The Daily Groaner)
What's it called when a department store dummy gets an extreme case of
the blues?
Mannequin Depressive (Gary Hallock)
A man walks into a psychiatrists office one day and complains of strange
dreams. "One night it's a wig-wam, the next night it's a tee-pee, the
next night it's a wig-wam, the next night it's a tee-pee. This has been
going on for weeks!" The psychiatrist scowls and says "I've got it!
You're too tense!" (Daily Groaner)
Federal Judge Rules Parker Brothers Holds Monopoly Monopoly. (TheOnion.com)
Bulletin: The cowboy limped because he'd got a bulletin his leg. (Geoff
Tibballs)
Mycologist: Loyal alumnus (Paul Dickson)
"Take a charcoal briquette and a boom box on a date. If anyone asks any
questions, just smile and say that you are radio carbon dating." (Caitlin)
In theory, housebreaking your puppy may seem like a fine idea, but it
doesn't look good on paper. (Bree Schultz)
“I’ve made the coffee Turkish style” said Tom with great concentration.
(Stan Kegel).
Evil: Adam's wife is sick. (Larry Gilstrap)
The priest loved two sisters, but he could marry nun. (Hezi Ismach)
Show me a one-word commercial and I'll show you an adverb. (Gill Krebs)
If you bang two diamonds together in rhythm, you get hard rock music.
(Bree Schultz)
Cemetery: The last resort (Robert Meyers)
Outside a Family Planning Clinic, a school crossing guard was seen
holding a sign reading "Stop - Children" (Johann von Haupkoph)
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. (Lee
Daniel Quinn)
If you crossed a chicken with a zebra, you'd get a four-legged chicken
with its own bar code. (Renee from Napa)
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. (Lexicon)
"I plan to spend my weekends sailing," Tom jibed. (Jane Vicar)
One classical composer was always difficult for his parents to find to
make him study. Why?
Because he was always Haydn (Stan Kegel)
Why shouldn't we tax people on the basis of how much money they have?
I've often heard that the basis are loaded. (Gary Hallock)
Balsam trees cry intermittently. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Aversion: One side of a disputed story (Paul Dickson).
He’s not a good artist but he can sure draw flies. (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner)
When whales are angry they blow up and then let off steam. (Pun of the Day)
What do you call a dancing chicken?
Poultry in motion (Daily Groaner)
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines? (Douglas Helsel)
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating
habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What
will happen to her?" Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and
shine!" (Hirsch and McNair)
He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it
off. (Bree Schultz)
"Better brush your handbag clean," Tom persuaded (Weber & Bryan).
Lefties: The only people in their right minds (Lexicon).
If somebody has to have a colostomy, do they end up with a semi-colon?
(Johann von Haupkopf)
I went to a strip mall the other day. I was disappointed. Everyone else
was wearing clothes. (Renee from Napa)
"It's my tern now," said Tom as he snatched the next bay gull. (Gary Hallock)
Do mass murderers kill only in church? (Ewa Wdzieczak)
A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him
they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw,
thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til
she gets the hang of it." (Lady Hawke)
"I've run out of laundry detergent", said Tom cheerlessly. (Mark Israel)
The man with the boring personality has a huge debt at the bedding
store. I wonder how much the pillows. (Big Puns)
My neighbour`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He
was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my neighbour how his
son was doing, and he replied, "no change yet". (Douglas Helsel)
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.
(Jay Christie)
"My husbands were two of a kind," she said cogently. (Ben Rey)
Why is a 1950's fad like the 1890's furor over Polynesian native
dancing? One was a hula hoop, the other hula hoopla (Lars Hanson)
My baby goat is lame! He has kid knee failure! ( Anita M. Gard/ The
International Save the Pun Foundation)
Proverb: A word used in place of a verb (Brain Candy)
The price of chess sets has gone up across-the-board. (Pun of the Day)
The dilapidated old steam cabinet that washed up at the seashore was one
ugly sauna of a beach. (Gary Hallock)
They are called weathermen because everyone wonders *weather* they'll
ever get a forecast right. (Cynthia MacGregor)
"Watch this insect sail through the air," said Tom flippantly. (Archives)
"I can't remember what groceries to pick up!" Tom said to his wife
listlessly. (Ken Shurget)
One day, while in search of their evening meal, two lions who were the
leaders of their pride came upon two unsuspecting gnus and devoured
them. “That,” announced one of them, “is the end of the gnus. And here,
once again, are the head lions.” (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. (Douglas Helsel)
"I see a lot of cacti on this prairie," Tom observed sagely. (Weber & Bryan)
Woman to psychologist with husband at her side, “I’d like him checked
for an earning disability.” (Leo Cullum)
“I believe the contractions are getting stronger, dear,” said Tom
forcefully. (M. H. Grody, M. D.)
Years ago, rye bread was a dime and pumpernickel. (Leonard Cobey)
What did the indian say when told to enter the teepee? That was my
intent! (Joe Joker)
Why were the books afraid to sit on the shelf?
They had a Low shelf esteem. (Lonnie Patrick Lapierre)
Writers under pressure are, at present, tense. (Pun of the Day)
Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Liability: A talent for fibbing. (Geoff Tibballs)
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock? (Brain Candy)
"Why did you park your car here?" "The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
(Terry Galen)
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you
like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster. (Bree
Schultz)
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses. He drinks
straight out of the bottle. (Reina Marie Gonzales)
"Another plate of steamers all around!" Tom clamoured. (Mark Israel)
Congressman Jones is awakened at 12:01 am. by his wife. "Jim, I think
there's a thief in the house!" "No, not in the house," the congressman
replies, "Possibly in the Senate but not in the House." (Pun American Newsletter)
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates (Archives)
"The chorus must sing again," Tom required. (Weber & Bryan)
Watch out for carpet layers. They may pad their bills. (Pun of the Day)
Are you Seine that a person could really get an Eiffel of French scenes
at a Paris site? I went there but it was shut down for reParis. (Gary Hallock)
I had to propose to my wife in the garage. I couldn’t back out. (Henny
Youngman)
The nation's vegetable farmers declared "We will have peas in our time."
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them. (Bree Schultz)
The bakers went on strike because they kneaded more dough. (Bob Weaver)
“What an ugly hippopotamus,” said Tom hypocritically (Richard Lederer
and James Ertner)
Adam and Eve were the first bookkeepers; they invented the loose-leaf
system. (Douglas Helsel)
Civil Service: A commodity formally obtainable in fine restaurants.
(Robert Meyers)
A boy was born without eyelids. When they did the circumcision, they
used the foreskin to fashion new eyelids. Everything worked out okay,
but he's a little bit cock-eyed. (Marsha Coleman)
"I'm going to avoid probate," Tom replied willfully. (Lawless)
What do you call a person from Michigan? A Michugena. (Syman Hirsch)
In my opinion, killing a pig for bacon is just a fryable ham'side. (Scot Nelson)
What do you get when you cross OJ Simpson, Magic Johnson,and Mike Tyson?
The Butcher, The Laker, and The License Plate Maker (Paul Croft)
"I'm about to hit the golf ball," Tom forewarned. (Archives)
Advertisement: Guitar, for sale, cheap, no strings attached. (Reina
Marie Gonzales)
I arise early in the morning and go to my front door. I open the door
and exclaim: "You are a day!" Then, having called it a day, I turn
around and go back to bed. (Bree Schultz)
Dialogue: How you make a phone call to a tree. (Gill Krebs)
"I resolve to call my mother every week," Tom said sunnily, although his
resolution had a phony ring. (E. J. Carter)
I received a flyer in the mail today from a local furniture store
advertising a "big mattress liquidation" and the first thing I thought
was "Oops! Sounds like someone wet the bed." (Gary Hallock)
I hate it when my Greek alphabet is missing letters I'm lack Taus
intolerant. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Jail cell: a bar room. (Syman Hirsch)
"That gives me a birdie for this hole", Tom chipped in. (Mark Israel)
Man: I just spotted a leopard."
Woman: "Really? I thought they came that way." (Bree Schultz)
When the steam iron was invented in 1895, it solved some pressing
problems. (Bob Weaver)
Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose
average depth was only three feet (Douglas Helsel)
Crustacean: When Mr Nguyen was run over by a steamroller, Mum said he
was a crustacean. (Geoff Tibballs)
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. (Pun of the Day)
Archeologists will date any old thing. (Renee from Napa)
When writing a resume for a new job, always use a spell checker to be
certain that every word is spelled write. (Stan Kegel)
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. (Bree Schultz)
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed? (Mike Dahl)
Maternity Dress: A slip cover. (Lexicon)
"My dentures nearly fell off the cliff," Tom said with his teeth on
edge. (Weber & Bryan)
When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further
steps would be taken (Pun of the Day)
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This
procedure is called gross anatomy. (Bree Schultz)
If you fear change, leave it here. -Sign on a restaurant tip jar (Siman Hirsch)
"I'd like to make you eat crow," Tom said ravenously. (Richard Lederer
and James Ertner)
Guy R. Briggs
bestRegards, Guy.
P.S. Me spill chucker woks grate. I knead a gamma chicken.