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"Puns of the Weak" 2/2/01

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Stan Kegel

Feb 3, 2001, 3:33:46 AM2/3/01

“Puns of the Weak” for the week ending 02/02/01

Why do kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets? (Al McGuire)

An exiled football hero now living in Florida was secretly honored
before the Super Bowl. The Backstreet Boys asked, " O.J., can you see?"
(Gary Reeves)

"Eww, I found a worm in this pear!" “Only one?” “Yeah, just one.”
“That's odd, they usually travel in apples.” (Gary Hallock)

'I've cut myself shaving' said Nick (Jan Hyde)

"Every morning, I get a potato clock!" (Sailor Jim Johnston)

Didja hear there was a lot of wild behavior in Baltimore last night?
The fans were acting like raven lunatics. (Jim Ertner)

Edifice Wrecks: Mother's building demolition company (Michael J. Gordon)

Often obtained from a job counselor is a “hire” education. (Jumble)

"Look up in the sky! Are those geese flying in formation?” “ I doubt it,
they usually use pigeons for that." (Gary Hallock)

When I was in high school, I remember boys and girls slept together all
the time. We called it algebra class. (Jay Leno)

Many wild cub scouts
Packed in at the Jamboree
Extreme Den City
Some mothers denied
Their kids permission to go
Too in tents for them
(Guy Ben Moshe)

Men always make passes at girls that drain glasses. (Henny Youngman)

“The Mickey Mouse Club” by Amos K. Teer (Stan Kegel)

My sister shaved her legs and wrecked 'em. (Clynch Varnadore)

Show me a one word commercial and I'll show you an adverb. (Dave Coble)

Our toilet wasn't working so I called plumber. He changed a part, but
that didn't fix it. I told him to keep changing parts becuase he would
eventually fix it by process of elimination. (Steve Jacobson)

All babies are subject to change without notice. (Leopold Fechtner)

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
(Mae West)Politics: A word of two parts: poly- meaning many and ticks
bloodsucking parasites. (Lee Daniel Quinn) .

When he caught the museum thief, the cop said, “It’s a bust.” (Jumble)

Why did Joey go into the pizza business? He kneaded some dough. (Phillip Thompson)

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess
with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them. (Kegel Archives)

“My Lost Causes” by Noah Veil (Neil Enns)

Divorce: Going through a change of wife. (Henny Youngman)

Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and eight kids? (Hershy)

Apple Turnover: A command given when training an apple. (Gill Krebs)

What do you get when you cross a cat with a Xerox? A copy cat (Shelby Friedman)

You can tell a sea bird anything,and they will believe you because they
are very gullible. (Arjun Surendra)

Crosscheck: A term used in chess to indicate checking an opponent’s king
by a bishop or queen on the diagonal. (Stan Kegel)

"Double-handed Transplant Patient Applauds Operation" (Reuters headline)

What would you call an electronic device designed to take rectal
temperatures? An anal log thermometer (By Clynch Varnadore)

Embarrassed athlete
Thinking of perfect slam dunk
Dribbled in his pants
(Guy Ben Moshe)

"How do I get to visit the monarch?" Tom asked seekingly. (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)

In jail, convicts use cell phones. (Pun of the Day)

When the will was read, the hippie experienced a bad heir day. (Jumble)

Denominator: Her name was placed on the ballot by denominator.
(Richard Lederer)
We got divorced because of illness; we got sick of each other. (Henny

Jack was a hirsute fellow, and the hair from his arms often got in his
clay as he worked it. It's tough being a hairy potter. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Litigator: The act of setting fire to an amphibious reptile (Hershy)

A foreign correspondent covering the Super Bowl developed Reuter’s
block. (Gary Reeves)

Sex is a misdemeanor. The more I miss it, the meaner I get (Club Jokes)

Did you hear about the Apple pie company that did not achieve enough
turnover? (Dave Coble)

Ex-salmon this scene
Are these chilled fish in a roe?
No spawn intended
(Gary Hallock)

When the musicians' tour bus died, the bank turned them down for a loan
because it was a band aid solution. (Megan Waves)

Restaurant: “What’s your pleasure?” “Do you have poached eggs?”
“Certainly not! I buy them from a local farmer.” (Johnny Hart)

Parenthood, If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor! (Donna Eaker)

I was once asked to choose my favorite body part. So, I picked my nose.
(Won Ton Dave)

How do you catch a bra? Set a boobie trap. (Rodney Lee)

Centimeter: Aunt Daisy arrived last night and I was centimeter at the
station. (Goeff Tibballs)

Antelope : Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle! (Gunjan Saraf)

“This claret has turned to vinegar,” Tom whined sourly. (Stan Kegel)

What Do You Get When You Cross A Wildcat And A Pig? Sausage Lynx. (Dave Coble)

Sport agent’s advice
To a seven foot hoopster:
Don’t sell yourself short
(Guy Ben Moshe)

Bikini: Barely anything atoll (Robert Meyers)

To learn rope tricks you have to be taut. (Pun of the Day)

At the singles bar, the weatherman ran into a cold front. (Jumble)

Dimension: A child's face will light up at dimension of candy.
(Richard Lederer)

Are you Seine that a person could really get an Eiffel of French scenes
at a Paris site? I went there but it was shut down for reParis. (Gary Hallock)

Concentrate: A special penny postage rate available only to prisoners at
federal prisons. (Stan Kegel)

Fossil fuels are a thing of the past (Anthony Cacchillo)

A man turned up at our local jail and claimed to be a painter. He
offered to do portraits of all the inmates. He was obviously a con
artist. (Jonathan Delaney).

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his
students? Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once. (E4Fun)

Metallurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron. (Leo Roston)

"There’s Jim Varney?" Tom pointed out earnestly. (Gil Krebs).

Old Upholsterers never die, they just recover. (Syman Hirsch)

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. (Wendy Liebman)

Happily married men have a woman who cooks, lives to make love and
works. If he's lucky, the three will never meet. (Jim, Jr.)

The small bathroom in Robin Hood's house is called Little John. (Gill

The city's water supply was so close to the coal mine that all they had
was coaled water. When this was presented to the city council, they
said, "Never mined" (Keith Martin).

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. (E4Fun)

“Smooth out the Radar” (“Smooth Operator,”) Sade, “Smooth Operator”
(Gavin Edwards)

Paranoia is reality on a finer scale. (Silvers B)

"Alright tuxedo shirt, come out with your sleeves up! We know you're in
there! You're under a vest!"(H8noPO)

“What did the ocean say to the beach?” “I'm not shore.” (Beckie Shiles)

I have many freezers, but they don't all work. Many are cold but few
are frozen. (Whitney C. Clark)

Free Speech: Making long distance calls on other people's phones (Lee
Daniel Quinn)

Why is a proctologist like a magician? They are both masters of deceit.
(By Stan Kegel) .

Did you hear about the website psychic who lost his followers? He had
bad dotkarma (Cynthia MacGregor)

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended. (Renee from Napa)

My dentist has some plaques on his wall. (Scot Nelson)

Inventing the airplane got the Wright Brothers' career off to a flying
start. (Shawn Kennedy)

Every time I have to give one of those motivational speeches, I get a
stomach ache. I hope I don't have a pep-talk ulcer. (David Reihmer)

Then there was the guy who met his wife at a single's bar. It was quite
a scene, he thought she was home with the kids. (Jim, Jr.)

Sarcasm: Quip lash (The Pun Page)

"I spent four years in college taking medicine." "Are you well now?" (Hershy)

While in the hospital, always guard your rear. Remember, you're in enema
country. (Renee from Napa)

Sex is like math. Add the bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs,
and Multiply! (Rodney Lee)

A motor home should never be parked on a steep hill? It will leave if
it's so inclined. (Mature Living)

"I miss my ex-husband ... but my aim is improving." (MGW)

'Do you have 5 cents I could borrow?' said Nicholas (David Reihmer)

"I wonder why the hive's still empty," said Tom belatedly. (Kegel

"It made the grass wet," said Tom after dew consideration. (PUNAmerican Newsletter)

I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down (Gnu Bee)

What was it she seed in Herb's garden that made all her troubles
disappear? Caraway (By Gary Hallock)

Ice may be great fun,
But when the winter winds cease,
It is snow big deal.
(Brad Williams)

Geometry: When the acorn grew up into an oak, it exclaimed, "Geometry"
(Richard Lederer)

My old car deal infarction - Suffered by used automobile salesmen when
they undervalue a trade-in. (Gary Hallock)

I often lose my balance when my wife goes shopping. (Henny Youngman)

Restricting imports is our duty. (Anthony Cacchillo)

My cow has just given birth. What should give the mother to drink?
Whatever you give her should be de-calf-einated. (Louis Phillips)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation? (George Carlin)

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. (Steven Wright)

A boy in the Cummings family of Indianapolis was very uncomfortable
every time his father said grace and asked forgiveness for the family's
shortcomings. The boy thought he was the short Cummings that Daddy was
concerned about. (Beckie Shiles)

"l'm a softball pitcher," said Tom underhandedly. (Richard Lederer)

The ultimate liquid measure is the supreme quart. (Pun of the Day)

Tomorrow we will granulate all the leftover pork that's in the barrel
and call it GROUND HOGS DAY. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

The Mexican Revolution is zapata history that few remember. (Jimmy Snibbler)

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep (Hugh Janus)

My uncle is a quick change artist. He works at the mall's amusement game
center. (Syman Hirsch)

Auctions are forbidding. (Conrad L. Macina)

The words to the Siamese national anthem, sung to the tune of America: O
wa tagu Siam. O wa tana Siam (Lars Hanson)

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" "I was
golfing with friends, my dear." "WHAT? At 2 a.m.?" "Yes dear, we used
night clubs." (Mailman)

Why did they change the floor at Kentucky's Rupp Arena from wood to
cardboard? Because the Wildcats always look better on paper! (Sports

"You know cannibalism is against our religion and you still ate Theodore",
Tom insinuated. (Bruce Michel)

What happened when the diver leaped 100 feet into a glass of cola?
Nothing, it was a soft drink. (Beckie Shiles)

When he got as big as Dad, the young lad planned to go on a diet. (Jumble)

Panhandler: "Change, Mister?" Shoe: "I wish I could, but at my age I'm
kind of set in my ways."

“So if you get the job, who should we notify in case of an accident?” “A
good doctor.” (Danny Perry

Linda Blair of The Exorcist turned 42 today. In her time she was quite a
head turner. (Jay Leno)

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