Puns of the Weak 10-03-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS CALIFORNIA STYLE
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s statement that he “behaved badly” around women has
set off a wave of other candidate apologies. Porn star, Mary Carey now
admits she has been “very very naughty” toward men and “probably deserves a
spanking.” And Gov. Davis has formally apologized for “screwing
California’s 33 million residents.” (Roy Rivenburg)
Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor
Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke. (Craig Kilborn)
Governor Gray Davis visited a retirement center in West L.A. I'm not sure
if he was campaigning or looking for a place to live after next week (Jay Leno)
Candidate Statements: Mary Carey: The state has made some bad deals buying
electricity in the past. If elected, I would appoint hot girls from the
adult industry to sit in on all future negotiations. I guarantee we will
get better deals.
Campaign Statements: Gary Coleman:Some people are calling me the dark
horse candidate in the run for Governor of California. I just see myself as
head and shoulders above the rest.!
Candidate Statements: Arnold Schwarzenegger: I wish that Maria would have
been there in the 1970s to put her mouth –– her hand over my mouth when I
said all those things.
Campaign slogans: Larry Flynt: Look for my campaign literature under your
son’s mattress. (Roy Rivenburg)
Mary Carey is against government-provided universal health coverage; she
supports physician-assisted suicide; she is pro-choice; and she supports
legalizing ferrets. (Press Release)
Candidate Statements: Carl Mehr: Gay marrriages should be allowed only isf
the couples demonstrate they can reproduce without outside help.
Candidate Statements: Trek Kelly: If we could harness the energy from all
the crap in this campaign, we would have no crisis.
Campaign Slogans: Arnold Schwarzenegger: Of Course He's Sincere: We Already
Know He Can't Act (Chris White)
Candidate Statements: Trek Kelly: As governor, I will change the calendar
and put 24 months in the year instead of 12, That way everyone would be
half their age and we would save an enormous amount on health care.
Campaign Slogans: Arnold Schwarzenegger: Schwarzenegger: Be Thankful I'm
Not a Write-In Candidate (Chris White)
California governor candidates had a stormy and tempestuous debate
Wednesday night. One candidate was especially aggravating. After the
debate, seven out of ten Californians surveyed said they now believe
Michael Huffington was not born gay. (Argus Hamilton)
A lot of people wanted to know why Mary Carey, the porn star, wasn't there.
She was there. You couldn't see her because of that new law in L.A. that
strippers have to stay at least 6 feet from guys, so she was off camera.
(Jay Leno)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is favored to be next governor of California. He
could take office in just a week. The California recall transfers power so
fast that Homeland Security just declared a red alert for everyone in the
state named Romanov. (Argus Hamilton)
California's recall election is just a week away. Despite low poll numbers,
porn queen Mary Carey doesn't know how to quit. Usually, it's a guy who
pulls out. (Alan Ray)
Arnold Schwarzenegger leads in California recall polls. He’s a man of
principle. He doesn’t give in to special interest groups. Only to special
interest group sex. (Alan Ray)
“I think Arnold is going to do a fantastic job for California” Said
President George W. Bush after touring Muir Woods in Arnold’s Hummer. In a
ceremony beneath a canopy of redwoods, Bush announced a tax credit for
Hummer owners who convert to hydrogen fuel. (Roy Rivenburg)
A lot of negative ads on Arnold now. They are kind of ganging up, but
Arnold can take it. All his critics say he isn't an administrator, he's an
actor, he's not an environmentalist, he's an actor, he has no government
experience, he's an actor, but Arnold is thrilled cause for the first time
critics are calling him an actor. (Jay Leno)
The L. A. Times had a big story about how hard it is to cut off the money
that funds terrorist organizations. See. This would be a great job for Gov.
Davis. Put him in charge of Al Quada and they’d be broke in a week. (Jay Leno)
Arianna Huffington’s threat to withdraw would generate as much sympathy as
Saddam Hussein threatening to commit suicide. (Jay Leno)
Billy Crystal agreed Friday to host the Academy Awards ceremony in
Hollywood in March. It's a waste of his talent. As a comedian who can sing,
dance and do hilarious impressions, he has everything it takes to run for
Governor of California. (Argus Hamilton)
According to Sports Illustrated, O. J. Simpson has been invited to coach an
all-star high school football game for college prospects in Florida. O. J.
Coaching high school kids! You know, just when it looked like California
was going to take the title of the dumbest state in the union, Florida
turns around and snatches it back. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS THE REST OF THE WORLD
So, congratulations, actually, to Florida. You're no longer our most
damning national embarrassment. Perhaps you can have a wet t-shirt contest
to celebrate. (Jon Stewart)
President Bush came to work Thursday facing a guerrilla war overseas,
antiwar protests, and a Justice Department criminal investigation of the
White House. It's weird. If it were any more like the 1970s, Arnold
Schwarzenegger would be smoking pot at the gym and telling his friends that
someday he'll be governor of California. (Argus Hamilton)
The president's popularity took a nose dive lately. It's at 49 percent, the
lowest point ever. He says he is not down-hearted about it, he says 'Look
the election is just a year away and remember I only need one less vote
than the other guy.'(Bill Maher)
The American Film Institute has created a Charlton Heston award. This actor
has left quite a legacy in our culture. His protégés have shot dozens of
movies, TV shows, and fellow classmates. (Alan Ray)
President Bush has begun his reelection campaign. He's really united the
country. Yesterday, over 3 million people stood together in the
unemployment line. (Alan Ray)
President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General Wesley Clark.
Do you know what the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The
general knows how to control his privates. (Jay Leno)
Colin Powell, our secretary of state, said Iraq will have a constitution in
six months and it's going to be modeled after our United States
Constitution -- not the original one. The lite version we are using now.
(Bill Maher)
The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House
Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on
vague intelligence. Of course he did. Everything Bush does is based on
vague intelligence. (Jay Leno)
According to a recent article, the Bush campaign is convinced that the
election of 2004 could be won or lost on a handful of votes. Those votes
would be Sandra Day O'Connor, Clarence Thomas, Rhenquist. (Jay Leno)
The FDA is close to approving a Viagra alternative that reportedly remains
effective for 36 hours per pill. Side effects for the drug include
headaches, upset stomachs and a burning desire to run for Congress. (Jacob Novak)
Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has
three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now. (Jay Leno)
The White House is being investigated for outing a CIA operative. Experts
predict President Bush won’t be implicated. When he says, “I have no
knowledge”, it is very believable. (Alan Ray)
Presidential candidate Wesley Clark says he believes that technology will
make time travel possible. He wants to turn back the clock. Maybe he really
is a Republican. (Jay Leno)
Howard Dean reported Tuesday his campaign took in $14 million in the third
quarter. He got it mostly from his web site. Anyone with a
license to practice medicine and a Polaroid camera can make all kinds of
money using the Internet. (Alan Ray)
Starbucks is finally opening up a store in France. It's very hard to get
American stores over there because the French are very protective of their
culture and their customs and their food; it took Starbucks years. In fact,
they kept Starbucks out longer than they kept Hitler out. (Jay Leno)
The Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox miraculously reached the baseball
playoffs this week. An epic test of wills is unfolding. If the Chicago Cubs
meet the Boston Red Sox in the World Series, they could play for a year and
no one would win. (Argus Hamilton)
HOLIDAYS
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the
misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Wow, Mister," one of them
said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought
you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those
fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" (Tim Davis)
JEST FOR KIDS
“Would you help me find a match for my sock?”
"What for? Are you going to set it on fire?" (North Coast Express)
What do you call a geologist who doesn't hear anything?
Stone deaf (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
Because it didn't know how to conduct itself. (Kids Jokes)
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold! (Leigh, 11)
How did the cameraman catch the winning basket?
In a flash. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why did the football coach send in the second string?
So he could tie up the game. (Sam, 8)
Where do rivers sleep?
In river beds. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What clothes does a house wear?
Address. (Carol Silver)
Why is mayonnaise never ready?
Because it is always dressing. (Kids Jokes)
Why did the student wear glasses in math class?
Because it helps to improve division. (Daily Groaner)
What did the ocean say to the beach?
"I'm not shore." (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do you call an insect’s car?
A buggy (Daily Groaner)
What does the bicycle dealer do with his bikes?
He peddles them (Mike Benny)
In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden
leg. Why not?
You can't take a picture with a wooden leg! You need a camera (LAB)
Who is Snow White's brother?
Egg White. Get the yolk? (Julia, 13)
Why did the angry man put firecrackers under his pancakes?
He wanted to blow his stack. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a suit and the dog just pants. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the undertaker write a book?
He had a good plot (Mike Benny)
What makes it difficult to drive a golf ball?
No steering wheel (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
Why do dentists like potatoes?
Because they are so filling. (Kids Jokes)
Why did the huge monster eat the top floors of the best hotels?
He had a suite tooth (Bob Thaves)
What's Tarzan's favorite carol?
Jungle Bells! (Troy, 12 )
What do you get if you cross Darth Vader’s son with a hamburger?
Luke Sky Whopper (Vanessa, 7)
Can giraffes have babies?
No, they only have giraffes! (LAB Laughs)
When are geologists unpopular?
When they are fault-finders. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do ducks do when they fly upside down?
They quack up. (Bennett Cerf)
What has four legs and a tail and goes tick-tock?
A watchdog (Dalay, 12)
What kind of thief steals meat?
A hamburglar. (Kids Jokes)
Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
If you add 4 and 4, you get 8. (Kids Jokes)
Why is a clock always dirty?
Because it runs 24 hours a day and never washes its hands and face. (Yvonne)
What is very light, but can't be held for long?
Your breath! (Sherrod, 11 )
What music do rabbits listen to?
Hip Hop! (Daily Groaner)
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter! (Carol Silver)
How might a young certain blue-footed member of the gannet family be able
to escape from an incubator?
Via the Booby hatch (Gary Hallock)
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I Scream (Mari, 10)
Traveler: “Excuse me, I’m registered in this hotel. Can you tell me what
room I am in?” Clerk: “Certainly, you’re in the lobby. (Daisy, 12)
COMICS
Billy lost his voice from cheering at the game. He has yeller fever (Family
Circle: Bill Keane)
He just found out about trickle-down economics and he’s trying to figure
out how to plug the leak. (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
A kiss that speaks volumes is rarely a first edition. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“But why can’t I sleep with you Mom?” “Because , Ruthie, its not good for
you. I read that children that sleep with their mothers, tend to regress.”
“Huh” “That means they act younger than they are.” “But Daddy sleeps with
you!” “Yes, and most nights, he acts like a teenager!” (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
Vitamin Store with shelves of ‘Anti-Oxidant Formula”. Ziggy: I never
realized so many people were oxidant-prone (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
“Ernie has an electric guitar?” “Yes, and when he plays it, it’s also
chordless. (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
“These pants have shrunk!” “No you have gained weight, Nick. You’re going
to have to watch what you eat and exercise more to reduce that waistline.”
“(sigh) The waist is a terrible thing to mind. (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
Acupuncture: A Jab well done. (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
A good education helps save for a brainy day. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Lord, Grant me patience. Please Hurry (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Sign on pet shop window with puppies looking out: Caution, objects in
window may grow larger than they appear (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
“Are your family organ donors?” “Once we gave an old piano to the
Salvation Army” (Ginger Meggs: James Kemsley)
“I’m sure you’re aware that my ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”
“Grandma, what does that mean?” “That means, Ruthie, that Miss Avis’
relatives were the very first illegal aliens.” (One Big Happy: Rick Detore)
ONE-LINERS:
The judge experienced a trying day. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The part of the automobile responsible for most accidents is the nut
holding the steering wheel. (Douglas Helsel)
What does a peasant on the plains of Russia use, to climb to the roof of
his house?
A steppe ladder. (Bob Dvorak)
A riot broke out at the local Renaissance Faire. Things got pretty ugly,
but luckily the authorities intervened before anyone could start luting.
(Lil Owens)
I was dating a Siamese twin for a while. When it got old, though, I
started seeing her sister behind her back. (E4Fun)
He lay down on the assembly line because he wanted to make something of
himself. (Pun of the Day)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. (Tom Den)
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. (G. K. Chesterton)
As a tightrope walker she was top-of-the-line. (Pun of the Day)
In 1900 The first Chinese lumberjack was hired. He cut down trees with chop
sticks. (Daryl Stout)
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. (Douglas Helsel)
When he was refused a refund, he was at the point of no return (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
In 1922 Rubber gloves were made, and they came in handy. (Daryl Stout)
For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he
still forgot to bring me something. (Tanya Noe)
He's a good letter carrier. He always keeps you posted. (Pun of the Day)
My wife really beaned me when after she said, "I've changed my mind." I
said, "Thank Goodness! Does it work any better at all now?" (Gag-O-Matic)
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. (Curly David)
The miner quit his job because he was always down. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
Did you hear about the new football stadium in Warsaw?
It had to be torn down, because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
(Curly David)
My new bumper sticker says "Re-defeat Bush in 2004." (Renee From Napa)
The part of the automobile responsible for most accidents is the nut
holding the steering wheel. (Douglas Helsel)
The politician offered the fruit peddler a plum job. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
Did you hear about the drunken bigot? All his words were slurred. (Bob Dvorak)
If you drive a train, you can't afford to lose track. Puns of the Day:
Having been raised on CD's, I asked my hippie uncle how records were in the
old days. He said, "Groovy." (Tim Davis)
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. (Tom Den)
Junior’s promise when the driveway wasn’t cleared turned out to be a snow
job (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Wrestlers don't like to be put on hold. (Douglas Helsel)
In 1880 The French captured Detroit but gave it back because they couldn't
get the parts. (Daryl Stout)
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before. (Douglas Helsel)
GROANERS:
A man who worked for a huge breakfast food conglomerate was stuck in a job
working with the hens collecting their produce, packaging them and shipping
them off. When a job opened up on the line that extracted the liquid and
pulp from oranges for frozen concentrate, he was hopeful to move into that
position so he applied for the job. The supervisor seeing that he worked
with the hens felt that he wasn't qualified for the job and without going
through why he felt someone from the lowly hen house couldn't make it in
the fast-paced breakfast drink world simply summed it up by saying, "Eggers
can't be juicers." (Tiff Wimberly)
A new pilot became lost during a flight. While attempting to locate the
aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known
position?" The pilot answered, “I was an assistant manager at Ralph’s”
(Stan Kegel)
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently a blonde has
leaped to her death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that shr
is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you leap out of
that building?" She answers in a very weak voice, "I wanted to try out my
new maxi-pads, with wings." (Curly David)
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a
political election. "More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said. My
ten-year-old son looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could
call politicians 'morons' on national television!" he said. (Tim Davis)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come
to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall
Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to
handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author
said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully. The book appeared.
It said that . . . "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."
(Archives)
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the
application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that
he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The
salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained
that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just
write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave
way.'" (Archives)
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady
boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he
casually asked her, "So, how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied
clearly, "Thrown." (Joanna)
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat
out here in the sticks, would it?” “That it is,” Mike replied grimly, “ever
since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.” “You mean
you pinched his honor?” asked Pat. “How was I to know that his convict suit
was only a costume?” demanded Mike. “Well,” mused Pat, “'tis life and
there’s a lesson in this somewhere.” “That there is,” replied Mike. ...
“’Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.” (Archives)
When a young woman driving along the highway attempted to light a
cigarette, her sleeve caught fire. She was able to stop the car and get out
but in her panic she just stood there, flailing the air. A State Patrol
Officer stopped when he saw her and gave her a ticket. "What's this for?"
the injured woman cried as she blew out the flames. The policeman
explained, "Brandishing a firearm“ Because the woman was pregnant, the
case later became a burning issue. (Bob Stall)
It was during the war. A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks and
his remains were spread widely when he was run over. The police with the
assistance of the F. B. I., and Army intelligence rapidly investigated the
incidence. A press conference was called and the police chief was asked if
this were part of a foreign plot. “No,” said the chief, ”We believe there
was a locomotive.” (Archives)
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of
a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the
road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to
contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the
driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the
driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." (Archives)
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first
day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" she asked. "He saws people in
half," answered Little Johnny. "Gosh that's exciting. Next question. Any
brothers or sisters?" continued the secretary. "One half brother and two
half sisters." replied Little Johnny. (Little Johnny)
This guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked
the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and
you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." The guy
said, "Officer, I have *contacts*." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't
care *who* you know -- I'm giving you a ticket." (Archives)
Saul asked his wife, Myra, for a nice Jewish wine with his dinner. Thus, as
they came to the table to enjoy the lovely brisket Myra prepared for their
meal, she turned to him and said, "My shoes are dusty, my dress doesn't
fit, I need a new hairdo, and Neiman Marcus is closed. Oy Vey!" (Burt Juda)
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this
evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off." (Archives)
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over
onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk,
and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up
their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of
the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put
two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and
was just using my emergency flashers!" (Archives)
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for
food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave
him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie.
They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it
had disappeared into thin heir (Archives)
Nick's Cafe was having a bad year. So, to boost profits, Nick decided to
sell small packets of coffee which he introduced as Nick's 100% Gourmet
Ground. To cut cost, he included chicory and was sure that no-one would
notice. Big Hoss came by one day and bought some. After drinking the brew,
he was hospitalized due to a severe reaction to chicory. Once recovered,
Hoss went to see his lawyer. After telling his story, the lawyer asked him
if he still had the remains of the coffee. But alas, Hoss did not. The
lawyer refused to represent Big Hoss as they didn't have the grounds for a
good legal case. (Wuga Buga)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed
in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of
the 747. A first class passenger drunk, very sleepy, who just woke up and
became aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Ma'am has it been
raining?" Keeping a straight face and hoping the problem would go back to
sleep, the attendant replied, "Yes sir, but don't worry, we put the top
back up." (Dinesh Vora)
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are
quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak
with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived
at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached. I
thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning,
Highland View Cemetery." (Jill K.)
I took out a second mortgage last month so I could go on a trip to Italy,
buy a new car and pay off my bills. I just can't figure out why my landlord
is so pissed off. (Jenn McNanna)
Congratulations were showered on Sol Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top
prize in the lottery "Say Kaplan," asked Abe Goldstein, "how did you happen
to pick number 49?" "I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced
before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But six times seven is 42 not 49." "Hah? right, so you be the
mathematician!" (Burt Jude)
Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time.
When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature of
102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in
the mouth or elsewhere. So we asked, "How are you taking it?" Her reply:
"Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!" (MeMail)
The newly rich Texas oil millionaire decided to build a new mansion with
three swimming pools. One pool he kept filled with cool water, and another
with warm water. The third he kept empty. 'A lot of my friends can't swim,
' he explained. (Syman Hirsch)
DEFINITIONS:
Bingo: Mr. Crosby's cue to start singing. (Kim Soriano)
Catatonic: Catnip and other feline stimulants (Stan Kegel)
Permit: For each baseball glove (Cynthia MacGregor)
Cherub: To polish furniture for sitting (Stan Kegel)
Persuaded: When you convince your husband to buy you a handbag made of the
finest soft leather. (Gary Hallock)
Lemonade: A benefit rock concert for destitute citrus fruit (Michael Driscoll)
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. (Geoff Tibballs)
Contestant: Argue against Dad's sister. (Joseph Leff)
Combination: To search all over the country (Stan Kegel)
Corrosive: Mesh strainer designed to filter fish eggs from your automobile
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Upper crust- A lot of crumbs held together with dough. (Geoff Tibballs)
Livelihood: A vigorously active crook (Douglas Drill)
Climax: Pick used when scaling cliffs (Stan Kegel)
Clamor: Dig for additional mollusks (Cynthia MacGregor)
Calendar: Something that goes in one year and out the other (Geoff
Tibballs)
Coolant: A hip insect. (Stan Kegel)
Clarinet: how she snared Robert (Schumann) (Bob Dvorak)
Bachelor- A man who prefers to ball without the chain. (Geoff Tibballs)
Broadcast: Roles for actresses only. (Sandy Sibert)
Aaron: What the dentist tells his assistant before drilling: “Please turn
the Aaron” (Douglas Drill)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Of the pride he'd taken command --
The widowered lion most grand.
He summoned an artist
To provide him, a goddess.
The guy drew a lion in the sand.
(Bob Dvorak)
To the judge who said NO! to "Don't Call" list
We can help you now to get the gist
We'll all call your phone
We won't leave it alone
Until like the public you are pist
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
All's fear in love and war. (Gail S. Angel)
To each his zone. (Gail S. Angel)
He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. (Gail S. Angel)
Nip it in the butt. (Gail S. Angel)
It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too
much. (Yoga Berra)
He can hit just as good right-handed as he can left-handed. He's just
naturally amphibious. (Yoga Berra)
Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded. (Yoga Berra)
Half the lies they tell me aren't true. (Yoga Berra)
A nickel ain't worth a dime any more. (Yoga Berra)
Hawaii is expected next year to approve legislation allowing unisex
marriages. The biggest obstacle is expected to come from native groups who
are insisting that traditional native garb not be allowed in such
ceremonies. Why?
Because two sarongs don't make a rite. (Stan Kegel)
Hero was the smartest dog in all of Alaska, and when the town caught fire,
the residents looked to their dog to save them. But he was too busy doing a
typical doggy thing, and the town was reduced to cinders. Afterward, the
residents scornfully said what?
Hero piddled while Nome burned (Cynthia MacGregor)
Confucius say: Fisherman who mistakenly brings hatchet to lake instead of
pole should merely reel axe and enjoy. (Gary Hallock)
"And fifteen more baseball gloves," he admitted. (Paul Dickson)
"I have just learned to play the xylophone," he said vibrantly. (Paul Dickson)
You're walking too fast," Tom said stridently. (PANews)
"See my new sports car?" he asked triumphantly. (Paul Dickson)
"That's an incredible chasm, " Tom said abysmally. (PANews)
"Shirley you don't expect me to waste a pun on a test message, do ewe?"
asked Gary sheepishly. (Gary Hallock)
"Aw, go milk a cow," she uttered. (Paul Dickson)
"Absolutely," said Bob with a drunken slur. (Bob Dvorak)
The trucker explained that he was early because he had had no (BREAKS,
BRAKES). (Stan Kegel)
The reason modern music is always so hard for the previous generation to
comprehend is that the singer's art sounds like he has a (CLEF'D PALETTE,
CLEFT PALATE). (Bob Dvorak)
We sternly warned the circus clown not to light the fuse while we were
inside the cannon, but he did it anyway -- and it really made us (SORE,
SOAR). (Stan Kegel)
The cobbler was asked how many shoes he had (SOLED, SOLD) by a well
(HEALED, HEELED) fellow patient. (Stan Kegel)
The weekend reporter sailed through the newscasts while the anchor was
(AWAY, AWEIGH). (Stan Kegel)
“Taming Wild Cats” by Claude Face (Ed Kottler)
“The Arctic Ocean” by I.C. Waters (Ed Kottler)
“Making the Least of Life” by Minnie Mumm (Ed Kottler)
“The Leaky Tap” by Constance Drippin (Ed Kottler)
Headline: Deer Kill 17,000 (Randall Woodman)
Headline: Eye Drops off Shelf (Randall Woodman)
Headline: Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (Randall Woodman)
Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (Randall Woodman)
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (Randall Woodman)
$100 Reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of person
who took wench from my Dodge Power Wagon. (Richard Lederer)
FOR SALE: Occasional chair by lady with carved clawed feet. (Richard Lederer)
All the chicken you can eat. This is the same delicious chicken we have
been serving for the past five years (Richard Lederer).
You can order our rings by post. State size or enclose a string tied around
your finger (Richard Lederer)
Saturday 10:00 a.m. Easter Matinee. Every child laying a egg in the
doorman's hand will be admitted free. We want your eggs and we want them
bad. (Richard Lederer)
SPORTSCASTER: And in the world of baseball: The Los Angeles Dodgers lead
the San Francisco Giants 3-5 after eleven innings ... I've got two words
for this report ... im-possible! (Kermit Schafer)
Blonde, buxom Carol Wayne wore a very revealing shorts and blouse ensemble
on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show. When Johnny asked her if the outfit was
considered to be "hot pants," Miss Wayne answered: "Yes, I've always had
hot pants" (Kermit Schafer)
Commercial: "So get to your vacation spot fast and enjoy every fun-packed
minute of it. Don't delay ... call today and learn how to save money with
Trans-American Airlines half-assed rates." (Kermit Schafer)
NEWSCASTER: We switch you to England for a report on the latest bombings in
Belfast from Ray Sheerer, NBC's nose correspondent in London. (Kermit
Schafer)
NEWSCASTER: We switch you to England for a report on the latest bombings in
Belfast from Ray Sheerer, NBC's nose correspondent in London. (Kermit
Schafer)
I got no fortune in Guam (I ain’t no fortunate son) Fortunate Son”
Creedence Clearwater Revival (Gavin Edwards)
I was Barney Rubble (I was born a rebel) “Rebels” Tom Petty (Gavin
Edwards)
Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove ( Might as well face
it, you’re addicted to love) “Addicted To Love” Robert Palmer (Kiss This Guy)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed. The good thing is that she saves
a bundle on sanitary napkins. (Ernest Gunn)
The Broadway wolf met a chorine at the stage door, handed her his usual
line, then took her out for a bit of a spree. At his club the following
afternoon he told his cronies about the evening. "She was a beautiful
girl," he confided. However, she had one fault." "What was that?" asked one
of his listeners. "She was the heaviest drinker I ever dated." "Well, how
did the evening turn out?" asked another fellow. "Terrible," he groaned.
"We winded up in my apartment we finished a bottle of Canadian Club. She
thought I was stiff and I thought she was tight. Well, we were both wrong.
(Under Sexty)
Confucius says, "sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies
behind." (Curly David)
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he
complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "All right, here's some good
news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile." (Big Daddy Cool)
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to
bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about
what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this
here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until
the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We're diggin' a
grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this
isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up
and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're
diggin' an asshole." (Paul Cooper)
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what
was not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says "It is not good to
put a lit light bulb in one's mouth." The teacher says "That is correct,
but why?" Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my
dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!" (Curly David)
Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. (Curt Dayton)
"What are you doing in there?" asked the cop as he pulled up beside a
parked car. "We're necking," came a man's voice. "Is that so? Well, put
your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here!" (Under Sexty)
Confucius says, "secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk."
(Curly David)
The Dutch journalist across the table was asking an Italian oenologist
seated next to me if there was any cultural tradition behind a practice
adhered to by the vinously famous Frescobaldi family. At birth, girls are
given 100 bottles from their birth year, but boys are given 500. No, was
the answer, appropriately accompanied by exaggerated facial and body
expressions. Obviously this is Italian birth control. The woman drinks one
bottle. The man attempts to drink five, and passes out before he can rise
to the occasion. (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local
homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.
The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, "OK homo, you got 15
minutes to blow this town!" The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours!"
(Sandra Forrest)
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have had nothing
to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at
lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the
shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that
night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had
ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet
tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I
couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge.
She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves
a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes." (Jill K.)
The trouble is, the modern gal is always in too much of a hurry hustling
here and hustling there. You'd be amazed how many hustlers there are these
days. (Under Sexty)
Two necrophiliacs were discussing their love interests when the first
asked, "Whatever happened to that last girlfriend of yours?" "The rotten
cunt split on me," replied the second. (Mr. Giggles)
Sign on door to sperm bank: Please Cum Inside (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
Jeff was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a house of
prostitution. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"it's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Jeff. "Well, I
thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling.
And to clinch it all, the Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused
to give me another girl." (Jill K.)
A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises
huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the
middle of the lake. After about 2 hours, he sees another row boat going by
with a man and two women in it. The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I
borrow one of your oars??" The other man yells back, "They're not
whores...they're my sisters!" (Sport Jokes)
"So this really drunk, obnoxious 'Mr Hands' kept bothering me at the party
last weekend." "What happened?" "Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out
of his pants, and asked me, ‘Do you want to suck it?’" “No Shit; what did
you do?" "Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, ‘No, you Go
ahead. You don't have enough to share.’" (William Brabant)
Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive
was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door neighbor. "Since
you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and
sleep with yours!" "Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you
good." (Sykes)
I'll give my wife credit though for trying to keep-up with the times. I saw
her reading "The Joy of Sex" the other day, and then that afternoon, she
began knitting a whip. (Gag-O-Matic)
Sign in brothel waiting room: No Stroking (Zahn)
During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out
over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to
be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this
room." To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us
we've had them all!" (Big Daddy Cool)
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you
to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty
much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am
home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we
were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least
stop all that racket on the weekends?'" (Jill K.)
The difference between a professional playgirl and an amateur one? Simple!
A professional playgirl is one who checks a man's advances until he
advances her a few checks. (Under Sexty)
Two old friends from the mountains ran into each other at the local bar.
One said, "Heard ya went to the big city Jeb." His friend replied, "Yep.
Even tried me out one of those 'loose women' ya always hear about." "You
don't say." said the first man. "Bet that was costly." "Nope." Jeb smirked.
"Kinfolk." (Jill K.)
A man was screwing his girlfriend in a park by the side of the rode when a
cop car pulled up. "Just what do you think your doing?" asked the cop. The
man looked up at the cop and replied, "I'm screwing my girlfriend!"
"Great!" says the cop. "I'm next then!" "Sounds good to me." says the guy.
"I've never screwed a cop before!"