Puns of the Weak 4/6/01
Stan Kegel
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent. (Pun of
the Day)
Israeli in space
Now that is really a true
Rocket zionist
(Gary Reeves)
The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme (Pun of the Day).
The cell phone user called the highway toll a roaming charge. (Jumble)
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop
to ask directions. (Daily Groaner)
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Richard Lederer)
"Let he who is without sin, throw out the first ball," - Jesus (Gary Hallock)
Then I ordered dinner for a party of 18 and could she eat. (Henny
Youngman)
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. (Pun
of the Day)
The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding
to make less money! (Dogbyte)
“Dear Miss Know-It-All, How many degrees does a person have to have to
write a column like yours?” “Ninety-eight point six.” (Johnny Hart)
This power crisis is something. Who thought the 21st Century would be
the Dark Ages. (Jay Leno)
When I was young and adventurous I wanted to join a violent, armed group
with no regard for the law, but the IRS wasn't hiring. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
In today's economy, we're all looking for a profit to lead us out of the
wilderness. (Jenni Saqua)
Your chesterfield less cold if you wear thermal underwear. (Cynthia MacGregor)
We were playing baseball. A fly ball hit a flock of ducks in mid-air,
killed one, and injured two others. The umpire promptly ruled that the
hit was a fowl ball. (Archives)
A gossip is a person who has a good sense of rumor (Leopold Fechtner)
Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's
Fifth. (Archives)
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk. (MeMail)
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked. "Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?" "Because he won't heel."
(Bill Brubent)
"How long will the next bus be, Officer?" "About eight yards, Ma'am."
(Beckie Shiles)
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong
nursery.
There I was, surrounded by trees and bushes. (Doug Aiken)
I took my boat, "Pepper", out for a sail. When I returned to port, I
rammed the pier and it ripped the side of the vessel. It was a sad day
when the dock tore "Pepper". (Keith Martin)
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." (Doug Aiken)
”Miracle Drugs” by Penny Sillinn (Neil Enns)
raveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery
(Johnny Hart)
Faking: Wray and Kong (Don Kirkland)
Airline industry
Relies on crusty bakers
For training pie lots.
( Lars Hanson)
Ticker Tape: An E. K. G. tracing (Stan Kegel)
Occult; A young horse. (Keith Nance)
Philistine: What a German bartender does. (Robert E. Lewis)
Security Breaches: Pants worn by Pinkerton agents
Security Briefs: Worn under security breaches (Guy Ben Moshe)
“May I please leave the room?” Little Johnny asked his teacher
high-handedly (Sidney Soanes)
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for trying to do the
same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years
ago. The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target
and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and
tendon damage. She has been charged with a misdewiener under Penal Law.
(The International Save the Pun Foundation)
To get him to the alter took a little wile. (Jumble)
A gossip is a person who is always the knife of the party (Leopold
Fechtner)
Why was the patient annoyed by the witty surgeon? Because he was always
making cutting remarks. (Danny Perry)
Did you hear about the Indian chief named Running Water? He had two
daughters, Hot and Cold, and a son named Luke. (Clean Laughs)
My baker dozen give me thirteen anymore (Scott Nelson)
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness. (MeMail)
Electrician: A man who wires for money (Stan Kegel)
A collective noun is a garbage can. (Art. Moger)
Feinstein was crossing Collins Avenue in Miami Beach and was struck by a
passing auto. Several passerbys came to his rescue and laid him down on
a bus bench. A kindly silver-haired matron approached the injured man
and said, ' are you comfortable?' ' Eh! ' sighed Feinstein. ' I make a
living.' (Hirsch and McNair)
Hippie: Really groovy urination (Robert E. Lewis)
Insinuate: Adam and Eve’s least favorite word (Johnny Hart)
Iambic: Said by Bic when asked his name. (Tim Bruening)
Cystogram: A Cable Sent To Your Sister (Archives)
Euthanasia: Far East Mormon Missionary team (J. A. Mc.)
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair. (The Punster)
What would you call a mixture of imported and domestic salmon?
Combination Lox (Stan Kegel)
"Taming Of The Shrew"
Domestic abuse as art
So 'fist-a Kated'
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
The lawyer asked a loaded question about guns. (Pun of the Day)
A guy who wanted to stop eating poultry quit cold turkey. (Pun of the Day)
What did he push when he ran out of gas? His luck (Jumble)
elevision sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel. (Pun of the Day)
I received a flyer in the mail today from a local furniture store
advertising a "big mattress liquidation" and the first thing I thought
was "Oops! Sounds like someone wet the bed." (Gary Hallock)
When my wife makes coffee, its grounds for divorce. (Henny Youngman)
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an
obscene phone call. (pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call
me?" (Dixieland Delight)
How do you hire a teddy bear? Put him on stilts! (Phillip Thompson)
Viagra is not Kosher for Passover. The argument is that it is coated
with a leavening agent. Is that what makes it rise to the occasion?
(Yasha Harari)
Ricky and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bag fulls of change
on the counter. "My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all
of this?" "Uh-uh" said Ricky. "My sister whored, I only pimped." (John Nunley)
hroughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about
adultery. Turn to the New Testament however and there we are admonished
to "Love our Neighbor." I mean, go figure. (Jim Moore, Jr.)
What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers? Guilt
(Kosher Jokes)
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory. (MeMail)
German Lesson: "Herr Doctor": A cosmetologist (Gary Hallock)
Kleptomaniac: Applauds obsessively (Scot Nelson)
Relief : What trees do in the spring. (Gunther Saraf)
Escape: Article of clothing worn by Superman (Stan Kegel)
Kosher: When you can't have cheese with your ham sandwich (Baumwald)
Condescending: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope. (Archives)
"This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily. (Richard Lederer)
Tim Bruening
Stan Kegel wrote:
> Puns of the Weak for the week ending 4/6/01
Rest of post munched.
What happened to the ""'s?
J. A. Mc.
<tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
He didn't like them so they got dumped into the & thrown out.
Stan Kegel
I had to reprogram my Spelling Checker. It's been fixed.
Robert E. Lewis
Stan Kegel <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
news:3AD2B9B9...@fea.net...
So, when you repost our puns, you will nevermore quote the raving?
J. A. Mc.
<rle...@brazosport.cc.tx.us> tweaked a mouse's tail to post:
Poe fellow - we'll miss the giving him the bird.
Hacky
This is Bob Barker reminding you to get your spellcheckers spayed or
neutered. Help control the pett population!
Hacky