Puns of the Weak 05-10-04

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Stan Kegel

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May 10, 2004, 2:33:09 PM5/10/04
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PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 05-10-04

O Henry International Pun-Off Championships
Wooldridge Park, Austin, TX
Noon to 5 P. M. Saturday, 05-15-04
Free to Public

THE ONE-LINERS

I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena
coladas. (Jason Dias)

Eliza Doolittle stepped out of the four-wheeler at 227a Wimpole Street and
stepped toward the Higgins residence. The cabbie called after her, "My
Fare, Lady!" (Bob Dvorak)

At first the paratroops didn't obey orders, but finally they fell in line.
(Pun of the Day)

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I
think is important, because when we want to potty-train the baby we should
set a good example." (Howie Mandel)

We were always pretty much the average American family. Every morning for
breakfast I'd come down to coffee with three lumps -- my wife and the two
kids. (Fred Barling)

I had a banknote printing machine until the cops took me away. It was a
de-pressing experience. (Johann Von Haupkoph)

In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of its
magazine for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. (Venky)

When the end missed the catch, the coach gave him a pass. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. ( Robert Orben)

Some bank! Before I could make a withdrawal, I has to wait until someone
came in and made a deposit. (Pat Williams)

Around our house a few family members have been affected by seasonal
allergies. The sneezin', wheezin' and caCOUGHony of sounds is mucous to my
ears in the form of Chopin's POLLENaise. (Tiffany Wimberly)

I'm upset over my allergies and I think it's all the government's fault. I
think I'll sue da feds. (Gary Hallock)
After that I'm just gonna give it all a rest. (Bob Dvorak)

I have two boxes of a new remedy at home. I gave my friend Claire a tin.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

I guy named Richard invented the limerick. His first effort wasn't good
one, and drew the universal response: "That was lame, Rick." (Jason Dias)

Back when the news was written on clay tablets there was a lot of breaking
news. (Pun of the Day).

Small tent bulging with rowdy campers. Caption: "Camping, the most in tents
way to experience nature." (Gary Hallock)

There was a mobster who lived in a certain town in Penn. He was a bit
strange and in addition to the usual armament he always had a derringer
in his sock. As a result he was known as the little rod reading hood. His
boss was a bit sickly and pale and was thus known as don wan. (Norm S)

The boss never closed his office door because he was open minded. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)

The Energizer Bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery. (Jim Ertner)

I love to eat eggs at the crack of dawn. . (Pun of the Day)

At Casket Carnival, we've recently removed our septic system from out back,
and turned this fertile ground into a discount graveyard. Now, for as
little as fifty bucks, you can be interred. (Bob & Tom)

Dr. Jeckyl was a visionary. He knew that change always comes from within.
When his wife left him, he missed her hide. (Gary Hallock)

I got home from my vacation in Costa Rica. A friend asked, "Java good
time?" (Bob Dvorak)

I once knew a psychiatrist who moonlighted as a taxi driver. She drove me
crazy. (Jason Dias)

He dressed poorly in grade eight. The next year he dressed to the nines.
(Pun of the Day)

During barracks cleanup, the troops conducted germ warfare. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)

She met the man who was to become her husband on a bus when she tripped and
landed with her lips locked to his. It seemed like kismet. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

I stopped by to visit a bachelor friend, and it was really touching. There
he was standing in front of the sink doing the dish. (Pat Williams)

If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then considered
to be humanitarians? (Tim Davis)

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think
he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already
(Renee From Napa)

Here at Cremation Station, we want to urn your business. (Bob & Tom)

He got an 'America the Beautiful' report card. You know--from 'C' to shining
'C'. (Pat Williams)

if you rescue a choking victim in a cocktail lounge by applying the Heimlich
maneuver, it's a bar mitzvah. (Mitzvah = Good Deed)(Cynthia MacGregor)

I once knew a Western author who helped out with the kids at the hearing
clinic; he wrote heard on the children. (Jason Dias)

Alimony is always having to say you're sorry (Renee From Napa)

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course, you could
do even better with a dead squirrel. (Fred Schwartz)

Old tightrope walkers never die, they just get high strung (Pun of the Day)

Even though they didn't win the war, many Confederate soldiers lived in a
state of grays. (Gary Hallock)

The timber boss took to work his chopper (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Last month I blew $5000 on a reincarnation seminar. I figured, hey, you only
live once. (Randy Shakes)

I guy named Richard invented the limerick. His first effort wasn't good
one, and drew the universal response: "That was lame, Rick." (Jason Dias)

I once knew a psychiatrist who was the top man at a weight loss clinic. He
was the head shrinker. (Jason Dias)

Instant gratification takes too long. (Carrie Fisher)

A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and
it really pisses off the bank tellers. (Dan Gadino)

The carpenter was highly recommended because he was strictly on the level.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let
there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two
loads of laundry. (Kevin Krisciunas)

At first the paratroops didn't obey orders, but finally they fell in line. .
(Pun of the Day)

The cellist was late to rehearsal and the orchestra chairs were arranged so
she could not get to her accustomed place. So the musicians around her moved
back so her chair could be placed. One said, "There's always room for
cello!" (Laurie Ann Poole)

POETIC PUNS

Love's Labour's Lost
In Navarres, there's a strict sexless diet.
And this statue makes sure all stnd by it:
Any woman about
Has her tongue cut right out'
Which is harsh, but ensures peace and quiet.
(Max Gutmann)

A flamboyant pianist named Dismas
Vacationed the Panama isthmus.
"Im rather put off
By the loss of my love;
Without my piano I'm Lisztless."
(Bob Dvorak)

The baseball was hit very high;
To catch it the fielder did try.
Ball went under his mitt,
And pants zipper it hit,
So they said it was caught on the fly.
(Kirk Miller)

This pisses off all of us men
Who're hit in the crotch now and then
There could be no doubt
Ump called batter "out"
But Ump told the fielder, "urine!"
(Gary Hallock)

That baseballing "Boy of September"
On diamond took hot as an ember
A shot to the crotch.
Went home full of Scotch.
Now he's busily try'ng to re-member.
(Bob Dvorak)

A judge for his work is well paid
But this judge's ears had decayed
To appear at his trials
He still had the guiles
To take on a new hearing aide.
(Jason Dias)

Strong was he of heart and of mind,
That judge -- and fair, honest, and kind.
But his eyesight was goin'
The world came here knowin
That justice was always served blind.
(Bob Dvorak)

The Merry Wives of Windsor
From the error of Abraham Slender
Takee a lesson: To love just surrender.
If your first choice is vexed,
Simply take up the next,
Don't get bogged down in details, like gender.
(Max Gutmann)

A most amusing clock I once knew
Was owned by the Archbishop Tutu
It took unusual form:
A dress in ballet worn;
Tutu's tutu tooted two to two
(Jason Dias)

To the mall on a spree the gal went;
To buy clothes of all sorts her intent.
She was gone the whole day,
Then returned and did say,
"After shopping that long, I am spent."
(Kirk Miller)

From the mall, did our fair maiden Tess
Fin'll' emerge having spent to excess.
Her card wouldn't spree --
After one purchase, she
Left with only her name and a dress.
(Bob Dvorak)


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