Puns of the Weak 01-17-03

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PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the week ending 01-17-03

IN THE NEWS

Nolan Richardson III resigned as Tennessee State basketball coach after
bringing a .38 caliber handgun to the gym following a dispute with an
assistant. Tough spot for Tennessee State. They hate to lose a coach of
that caliber. (Scott Ostler)

Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded
Seaworld died recently. He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into
some detail about what a genius this guy was. As I was driving through
town earlier, there were a group of people holding what appeared to be a
silent vigil. I went over to one of them and asked what was happening,
and was told, "This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums." (Andy Pafko)

“Just Married” is number one at the box office. The movie reportedly is
based on one of Jennifer Lopez’s experiences at the altar. After 100
minutes, it’s over (Alan Ray)

The American Music Awards “Where Are They Now” segment featured Peter
Townsend. Who? (Stan Kegel)

An anthrax scare has hit a Washington, DC post office. There’s only one
positive about giving a contamination alert to postal workers. The mail
moves tends to move a lot faster. (Alan Ray)

URL OF THE WEAK

URL: http://www.scintilla.utwente.nl/asdfhjkl

HOLIDAY PUNS

Did you hear that the pork producers are advocating sausage as the
official meat on February 2nd for groundhog day? (Norm Stevens/The
International Save the Pun Foundation)

JEST FOR KIDS

Which is faster-hot or cold?
Hot's faster. You can catch cold. (Bob Phillips)

How many insects does it take to make a landlord?
Ten ants (Lederer & Ertner) .

What kind of banks do alligators use?
Riverbanks (Doug Helsel)

What would you call a grandfather clock?
An old timer. (Stan Kegel)

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly. (Krystal, 12)

Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?
Because the top said, "Twist to open." (Kids Jokes)

What vegetable should you not take on a boat?
A leek! (Emma, 14)

What's a cheerleader's favorite color?
Yeller! (Becky, 8)

How do billboards talk?
Sign language (Joseph, 13)

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in. (Carol’s Humor)

What has four legs and only one foot?
A bed. (Bob Phillips)

What kind of fence goes on strike?
A picket fence. (Archives)

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk. (Dr. Harpo)

How do trees get on the Internet?
They log in. (Sharnee, 12)

Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?
Because it wants to keep its Stockholm (Daily Groaner)

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos (Doug Helsel)

Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
They can’t keep their trunks up (Doug Helsel)

What happened to the shepherd when he drove his sheep through a town?
He got a ticket for making a ewe turn (Daily Groaner)

Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side. (LOL)

What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.. (Archives)

When they were late to the party, they were beaten to the punch. (Pun of
the Day)

Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring. (Kids Jokes)

What animal do you not want to play cards with?
A cheetah! (Giane, 12 )

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk. (Douglas Helsel)

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar. (Douglas Helsel)

What kind of insect is sent here from foreign countries?
Import ant. (Lederer & Ertner)

To learn music you need a tooter. (Pun of the Day)

Why is a fish different from a Flamenco dancer?
Flamenco dancers like castanets but fish avoid cast nets.(Cynthia MacGregor)

What would happen if you swallowed a frog?
You might croak.. (Archives)

Why did the woman who mended bowls go crazy?
She was around cracked pots too long. (Kids Jokes)

Why did the lion cross the jungle?
To get to the other pride. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do you call a man when a Marine sits on him?
A Submarine (LAB Riddles)

What lottery did the broom win?
The sweepstakes. (Archives).

Why was Count Dracula glad to help young vampires?
He liked to see new blood in the business. (Kids Jokes)

He put an orange in his boxing glove so he could have a fruit punch.
(Pun of the Day)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come from?
A poul-tree. (Quickies)

Violinists are often fiddling around. (Pun of the Day)

What did Columbus first stand on when he discovered America?
His feet. (Bob Phillips)

Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will
Wing the Wong number. (Jokes Galore)

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended (Pun of the Day)

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils (Pun of the Day)

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk. (Bob Phillips)

Why did the crow cross the road?
Just be-caws (Ryan, 9)

What do you have if an ax falls on your car?
An ax-i-dent (LAB Riddles)

Why did the lazy man want to work in the bakery?
Because he was a loafer (Kids Jokes).

What do you call a test given to a criminal?
A con-test (Doug Helsel)

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he
will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread
recipes on a knead to know basis. But they stop making donuts when they
get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns usually play a small
roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out
of him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart.
Old bakers never die. They just keep on making more dough. (Pun of the Day)

RIDDLES

What do you call a single Korean flatfish spirit?
A sole Seoul sole soul. (Jim Ertner)

What is the difference between the truth about toad skin and Lizzy
Borden's hatchet job?
One is warty facts, the other forty whacks (Lars Hanson)

How do sailors identify Long Island?
By the Sound. (Bob Phillips)

What’s the difference between a miser and a canary?
One's a little cheap, and the other a little cheeper. (Lederer &
Ertner)

What do you call a psychic that predicts Earthquakes?
Faults Prophets (Daily Groaner)

What would you call the cause of an abrasion suffered while
participating in powerless flight -while angry.
Source of soar sores (Gary Reeves)

What did the flapper say to her geometry teacher on whom she had a crush?
Oh, Euclid (Stan Kegel)

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering about the meaning of dog.
(Daily Groaner)

What cord is full of knots which no one can untie?
A cord of wood. (Bob Phillips)

What’s the difference between a baby frog and the month's rent?
One's a tadpole, and the other's a pad toll. (Lederer & Ertner)

Norman Bates had a brother. This brother's wife's sister became pregnant
and Norman eventually became the uncle of twin girls. He realized then
that he should be able to move objects using only the power of his
mind. Why?
He now had Psycho Kin Nieces (Gary Hallock)

What’s the difference between a deer and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag, and the other is a stunted hag. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do they call cabs lined up at the Dallas airport?
The yellow rows of taxis. (Bob Phillips)

What's the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
One is a bird watcher and theother is a word botcher. (John G. Steen)

What do you call a monk who has had a sex change operation in order to
become a nun?
A transsister. (Daily Groaner)

Which is heavier, a half moon or a full moon?
A half moon, because the full moon is lighter. (Bob Phillips)

After the boa constrictor escaped from the zoo,what sign did they put on
his empty cage?
Out to crunch (Daily Groaner)

What’s the difference between an angry crowd and a cow with a sore
throat?
One boos madly, and the other moos badly. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do you call a blonde in the snow?
A snow flake. (Marty D.)

COMICS

“To start the loan process, I’ll need some information. Do you own or
rent?” “Rent.” “Address?” “23 Sleepy Oak Lane.” “Length of residence?”
“Oh, I’d say about thirty-five feet.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)

“What did you get for being named dentist of the year?” “A little
plaque.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)

Waiter: “I think you undercooked the alphabet soup. I’m getting
complaints about hard consanants.” Chef: “But I followed the directions
to the letter.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

ONE-LINERS:

A music store that was robbed, and the thief picked a guitar and then
made away with the lute. But there were re-percussions because the thief
was a dead beat. Hecouldn't duet himself. (Pun of the Day)

I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off
and formed a splinter group. (Simon Champion)

Expensive golf clubs are par for the course. (Pun to the Day)

Drive carefully. Do not insist on your rites. (The International Save
the Pun Foundation)

A helpful lathe operator will often do a good turn (Jumble)

When a jazz musician's clothes are all worn out it's ragtime. (Pun of
the Day)

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise. (Irene
Arial Mystery)

Did you hear about the blonde who went to the lumber yard to see the
Board of Education. (Ms SamAntics)

To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts. (Simon Champion)

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's
called On & On Anon. (Doug Helsel)

Noteworthy musicians are usually very composed, unless they have tempo
tantrums. (Pun of the Day)

Two lovers who had been apart for some time were reunited on a foggy
day? One whispered to the other, “I mist you.” (Irene Arial Mystery)

Did you hear about the blonde who ate some pennies and then asked if
people saw any change in her. (Ms SamAntics)

I am deeply dissatisfied with cyber-romances. Most of them turn out to
be just one-byte stands. (Maurizio Mariotti)

A parade of horses went down the mane street, without a hitch. They
weren't given free rein. (Pun of the Day)

Roll down this hill—if you are so inclined. (The Big Pun)

A queen was caught gambling. She had a royal flush. (Pun of the Day)

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you,
that makes me sick. (Douglas Helsel)

When he could not find his dictionary, Webster was at a loss fo words.
(Pun of the Day)

Worried guitar players fret too much. (S. H. Vink)

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested? He was
caught grilling his suspects. (LOL Lude Lines)

A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict
for a costume party, but that cop learned never to book a judge by his
cover. (Pun of the Day)

When his honey sales tripled, the beekeeper found himself in the clover. (Jumble)

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. (Irene
Arial Mystery)

At the celebration, the fireworks crew did a bang-up job. (Jumble)

The mushroom is a vegetable of high morel standing. (Pun of the Day)

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a wreck tangle. (Simon
Champion)

A scientist had to keep a close ion her equipment (Pun of the Day)

With ice covering his vessel's exterior, the old captain was
experiencing a hard ship. (Doug Helsel) .

A scientist was a nuclear physicist for a half-life (Pun of the Day)

Did you hear about the blonde who cut off her hands so she could play
the piano by ear. (Ms SamAntics)

I was injured while using the toilet. Luckily, it was just a flush
wound. (Very Punny)

A horse is normally a very 'stable' animal, though some give their
owners a lot of woe. (Pun of the Day)

A water bed may just be your vinyl resting place. (Pun of the Day)

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this
is just the tip of the iceberg." (Simon Champion)

He tried to take a photograph without much focus until finally it
clicked. (John G. Steen)

After a couple bought a water bed, they started to drift apart. (Pun of
the Day)

Did you hear about the blonde who brought a ladder to the party because
the drinks were on the house. (Ms SamAntics)

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
(Douglas Helsel)

A party for shy people is abash. (Pun of the Day)

When ancient wall sculptors were finished, it was a relief. (Simon Champion)

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I
went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned
over and pushed me. (Irene Arial Mystery)

If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then
considered to be humanitarians? (Lee Daniel Quinn)

In 1914 The first course was offered in cosmetology. Students took a
make-up exam. (Daryl Stout)

There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him
for palomino-money. (Nina)

Did you hear about the blonde who put birdseed in her shoes to feed her
pigeon toes. (Ms SamAntics)

I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into
a giant vat of milk by-product. "I'm sorry", I said. "Am I in your
whey?" (John G. Steen)

GROANERS:

Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of "Finest Fish
Fryer." Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally excellent.
However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and won
the title. "Alas!" lamented the other, "There but for the glaze of cod
go I!" (John Fenn)

A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?"
the collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very
bad," answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?"
asked the tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner, "You'll see I have
nothing to hide." (Irene Arial Mystery)

Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now
on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To
this day his decree is known as Cole's Law. (Gary Hallock)

My grandson Tyler was at camp today and he told me he had heard some of
the kids were going to push him out of a canoe and into the lake. I
asked him how he had found that out. He told me he was tipped off.
(Tony Thoennes)

A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a concise essay
containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only
"A+" in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I
wonder who did it?" (Syman Hirsch)

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for
his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien
holder on the vehicle?""I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is
that the same thing?" (Thieving Joker)

Farmer Fred had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for
market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His
prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't
whole sale him or retail him. (Archives)

A friend of mine made some light and exceedingly dry white wine. He
invited me to taste it and it not only lacked color and body, but taste.
"Well," he said, "what do you think of my white wine?" And I responded,
"Albino wine before its time." (Gary Hallock)

It's hard to peel a couch potato away from his TV--he can't tell a
vision from the real thing. And there isn't a remote chance of getting
the channel changer out of his hands. Why he prefers reel life to real
life beats me (and speaking of beets, some of these shows are pretty
corny). Why watch "reality TV" when real life is waiting? Such a person
is a junk junkie. They ought to appoint someone at a university to study
this free nomenon--maybe an adjunk professor. But I've finally figured
out why such people are called "couch potatoes." They're hooked on the
ol' Cathode Ray Tube--so they're tubers...and aren't tubers potatoes? An
indictment couched in kinder terms. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."
(Silly Stuff)

"What is that?" my children exclaimed when they went into the garage. My
husband had bought a piece of foam core board used to insulate the house
with by nailing to the studs before you put on the siding. I said, "It's
sheathing." "What??" came the reply from my son, Sam. "It's
SHEEE-THING," I enunciated. Sam looked at his brother and said rather
dismayed, "Oh, it's for girls." ( Tiff Wimberly)

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of
them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to
describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other
made delicious pancakes.. "Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the
problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." (Archives)

The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators. They had
consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would stirrup trouble.
Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to feed their night mares. One
cowboy reached for his gun and drew a blank. Eventually they would go
off to a rodeo to try and get a few bucks. (Paul Croft)

One Sunday, this bullyish looking kid ran up to the pulpit and jabbed
the pastor in the ribs during his sermon, and as expected getting a
reaction. This happened the following Sunday, and after the third, the
kid was taken aside and his behaviour questioned. The reply was, "...
But my Sunday School teacher read it to us in the Bible -- 'Meanie,
meanie, tickle your parson.'" (Ken Shurget)

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm
sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.: Caller: "On
page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to
unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" (Les Pourciau)

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I
asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?'
and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen
fast." (LAB Laffs)

Recently, the widow of a millionaire, Maggie Malone, died at the age of
93. At her death, she left behind a sizeable estate: $50 million! The
thing is, she bequeathed the entire estate to the Florida Alligator
Preservation Society. Her children were a little miffed at being cut out
of the dibs. However, one of her sons had some pull in the press. An
article in the local paper the next day read, "Millionairess who died
recently, was high on Gatorade." (Gail S. Angel)

This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but
the company went under one time when it received an order for a million
pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing
the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to deliver in
time. The company had not allowed enough margarine for error. (Archives)

There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each
Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who
liked traditional worship. One for those who'd lost their faith and
would like to get it back. And another for those who had bad experiences
with churches and were complaining about it. They have names for each of
the services: FINDERS, KEEPERS, LOSERS, WEEPERS (Marsha Coleman)

Even though Sigmund Freud was terribly addicted to cocaine he actually
died when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the tub he
slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly. Might this be
another Freudian slip? (Archives)

The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on
location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an
ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed
laryngitis. To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the
director as .the hoarse Forman of the Acropolis. (Chris Doyle)

Sam the Clam ran a place that featured gogo dancing. After playing a gig
at Sam's, the harpist in one of the bands realized that he had forgotten
to take his harp with him. Said the musician: "I left my harp in Sam
Clam's disco!" (Richard Lederer)

Two friends are walking down the street. One of them suddenly looks up
and down. First friend: "What did you see?" Second friend: "Oh, just a
bird." First friend (not seeing anything): "Where, in the sky?" Second
friend: "No, digging in the ground." First friend: "Oh, I see. A myna
bird." (Gail S. Angel)

There was a man staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk
and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink." The man at the
front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the
toilet." (Daily Groaner)

DEFINITIONS:

Aardvark: How you succeed in Sveden. (Lederer & Ertner)

Corduroy Pillows: Pillows that are making headlines. (Lexicon)

Sandwich Spread: What you get from eating between meals (Robert Meyers)

Anteater: A cannibal who eats his father's sister.(Joseph Leff)

Cranium: Place where large birds are kept. (Lexicon)

Skeptic: One who won’t take know for a answer (Robert Meyers)

Copperhead: A restroom in a police station. (Joseph Leff)

Dentist: Someeone who runs a filling station. (Lexicon)

Stockings: Articles of wearing apparel that cover a multitude of shins
(Robert Meyers)

Baby Bird: A stork. (Joseph Leff)

Destabilize: To take the horse out for a trot. (Lexicon)

Socialized Medicine: Women at a party talking about their operations
(Robert Meyers)

Vice Versa: Dirty poems (Playboy)

Crossbred: Baked in church. (Sandy Sibert)

Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968. (Lexicon)

Sleeping Bag: A nap sack (Robert Meyers)

Commute: "Travel to and from work without speaking." (John G. Steen)

POETRY

That millionaire died, the poor bloke
When clocks caught on fire, it's no joke
You've surely heard tell
Of sev'ral who fell
As victims of second hand smoke
(Gary Hallock)

There was an old person who listed,
And numbered each book that existed,
They said to him: 'Dewey!,
Decimals? Phooey!',
'They do have a point', he insisted.
(Richard Long)

Safe surfing is what this guy craves
He should go where the water behaves
Steer away from that beach
Go where rough waves can't reach
Channel surfers enjoy microwaves
(Gary Hallock)

There's a hunk of an orderly, Ray,
Who the head nurse did transfer one day
To the lobby to work,
Merely 'cause of a quirk.
"He's just TOO cute for wards," she did say.
(Kirk Miller)

A bird loving woman named Hester
Had a parrot who often would pester
Said lass for a cracker
She gave her a stack fer
She always did what Polyester
(Gary Hallock)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the roof,"
said Tom fanatically. (Gill Krebs)

"You know cannibalism is against our religion and you still ate
Theodore," Tom insinuated. (Archives)

"Hi everyone, my name is Frank Lee," Tom lied rather frankly. (Gil
Krebs)

“Who stole my clothes?" Tom barely stated. (Jerry Carman)

"'Try before you buy' is a great concept," Tom said prepossessingly.
(Gil Krebs)

"I can milk a cow," Tom uttered. (Squatt Frog)

"Is your name Timothy or Russell?" Tom asked timorously.(Gil Krebs)

"Now that he's on cardiopulmonary by-pass, lets replace the valve," John
said sharply cutting to the heart of the matter. (John G. Steen)

"May I introduce the family Stone?" Tom asked slyly.(Gil Krebs)

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at
12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." (Lee Daniel Quinn)

NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES (Richard Lederer)

51/2 FOOT BOA CAUGHT IN TOILET; WOMAN RELIEVED (Richard Lederer)

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST
METHODISTS. (Richard Lederer)

ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE (Richard Lederer)

NEWSCASTER: "This is your eleven o'clock newscaster bringing you an on
the pot report ... I mean on the spot retort. I mean on the tot resort
... oh well, let's just skip it!" (Kermit Schafer)

BAN ON SOLICITING DEAD IN TROTWOOD (Richard Lederer)

ANNOUNCER: "This is a public service announcement. Attention all student
nurses. From Washington comes the announcement that the Navy Department
is now giving instructions in special new curses for Navy nurses."
(Kermit Schafer)

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY (Richard Lederer)

Jose, can you see
By the Donzerly light?
Oh, the ramrods we washed
Were so gallantly steaming.
And the rockets red glare,
The bombs bursting in there,
Grapfruit through the night
That our flag was still rare.
(Richard Lederer)

BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD (Richard Lederer)

Spacecaster: "Apollo Astronauts Armstrong, Aidrin, and Collins have
received a 'go' for lunch ... launch!" (Kermit Schafer)

In a British laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all
your clothes when the light goes out. (Richard Lederer)

Miniza seen the glory
Of the coming of the Lord.
He has trampled out the vintage
Where the great giraffes are stored.
(Richard Lederer)

On 'The Joey Bishop Show," Senator Barry Goldwater had been asked by
Joey if he would like to be on the show twice a week. The senator
replied, "No, thank you, I'd much rather watch you in bed with my wife."
(Kermit Schafer)

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. (Richard Lederer)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

Confucius say: Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent. (Archives)

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why you
girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into
you all semester. (Rubin)

Confucius say: Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. (Archives)

Getting married is a good deal like going into a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had taken that. (Playboy After Dark)

Stenographer not permanent fixture till screwed on desk. (Buzkil)

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300%
impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned
his tongue and broke his finger!" (Biker Lynn)

Woman who sleep with judge get honorable discharge. (Buzkil)

Wanna know why I refer to my ex wife as Federal Express? Because when
she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely, positively guaranteed that
she'll be there overnight. (Hershy)

How do you know you've walked into a gay church service?
Only half the congregation are kneeling. (Red Babe)

When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
"I'll lay you twelve to one." I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
lunch hour." (Sydes Jokes)

Copulation: sex between two consenting police officers (Lexicon)

Two coeds are gossiping on their way home after high school. "Do you
ever put out for your teachers?" asks Betty Jane. "No way!" says Norma
Jo. "With me it's strictly a matter of principal. "(Richard Lederer)

Confucius say: Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy. (Archives)

A woman riding in a Boston taxi asks the driver where she can get scrod.
"I didn't know that the verb had that past perfect tense," mutters the
cabbie.(Richard Lederer)

Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock. (Buzkil)

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy
condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on
sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "Good, I'll take a
box." A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and
saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity
section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse." The clerk
asked, "What bust?" To which he replied, "One of the goddamn blue
ones!"(John G. Steen)

Man who goes through airport ticket machine sideways, is always going to
Bangkok." (Nick Kett)

It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same
time. (Archives)

A staff researcher has come up with proof that most girls wouldn't stay
out late if fellows didn't make them. (Playboy After Dark)

Confucius say:Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary. (Archives)

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole. (Buzkil)

Why are proctologists constantly so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight. (William Brabant)

A Sunday school teacher asks a girl in his confirmation class, "Who made
you, little girl?" She answers, "Originally or recently?"(Richard Lederer)

HILLBILLY BOY: "Maw! I've just picked up a case of VD!"
MAW: "Put it in the basement. Your paw'll drink anything!"(Richard Lederer)

He held her close against him, a warm glow of satisfaction covering them
both. "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" he asked. She studied
him reflectively. "You might be," she said. "Your face looks very
familiar." (Playboy After Dark)

A sailor who gets a discharge from the Navy leaves his buddies behind. (Buzkil)

Joe is in a bar on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped. A
big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the
ass!" Joe looks around, smiles, winks at the guy and says coyly, "I
think you're bragging bud, but I'll give you a fair go at it. I'm game
if you are..." (Foot Long Hot Dog)

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
She was strapped for cash. (dot.comedy)

What do the vacuum "Dirt Devil" and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
(Debbie G.)

Confucius say: Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth. (Archives)

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