Kids Puns Of The Weak 11-30-04
Stan Kegel
HOLIDAY PUNS - THANKSGIVING
What did the turkey say before it got cooked for Thanksgiving dinner?
"Boy, I'm stuffed!" (GMNI Rising)
Why did the Indian Chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his "wigwam" (GMNI Rising)
Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?
Because he wasn't very hungry and wanted a light snack. (GMNI Rising)
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A turkey that can pluck himself! (GMNI Rising)
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving! (Clean Laughs)
Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat! (Linda, 14)
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock! (Cookie)
Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
Because it makes him blush! (Cookie)
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age! (Cookie)
How do you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey! (Cookie)
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him. (GMNI Rising)
What's a turkey's favorite song?
"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" (GMNI Rising)
Why is there no Thanksgiving in Greece?
Because they hate Turkey. (Cookie)
What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?
Breakfast or lunch! (Phil Beck)
What did the mother turkey say to her daughter as she ate?
"Don't gobble your food." (Lawana)
What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble! (Cookie)
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from 38 turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones. (Lawana)
Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of
them and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving. (Lawana)
What's black and white and red all over?
A Pilgrim with a rash! (Phil Beck)
What is the best thing to put into stuffing?
Your teeth! (Phil Beck)
Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"
Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!" (Moni)
Teacher: "Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?"
Student: "Maybe they missed their plane." (Moni)
Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush! (GMNI Rising)
I heard Jeff Smith, (The Frugal Gourmet), read this letter from a viewer on
the air: "I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half, will it
take longer to thaw?" (GMNI Rising)
Some people REALLY love Christmas, me, I love Thanksgiving. Last year I had
my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for
Thanksgiving. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat
department! (Pastor Tim Davis)
Little Johnnie was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her
prepare the Thanksgiving meal. "What are you doing?" Little Johnnie asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied. "That's cool!"
Little Johnnie said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?" (Moni)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
(Author Unknown)
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
Why are good bowlers like labor unions?
Because they strike a lot. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why canąt you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food. (Mike Bull)
How did the bowler pay for his acupuncture?
With pin money (Daily Groaner)
Why did the kid put his head on the piano?
Because he wanted to play by ear. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up! (Nicolas, 9)
When is coffee most likely to taste like mud?
When it is fresh ground. (Stan Kegel)
Where do cars get the most flat tires?
Where there is a fork in the road. (Marcia, 10)
Why was the dog catcher so wealthy?
He was paid by the pound. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school?
She had bright students! (Grace, 8)
Why did the teacher throw homework into the ocean?
She wanted to test the water (Daily Groaner)
What did the plate say to the other plate?
"Dinners on me!" (Quinn, 10)
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory (Daily Groaner)
Why did the coaches cancel the baseball game?
Because the bats flew away (Michelle, 8)
What is expensive but fake wine better know as?
Shampagne (Nisson Berlin)
Which two days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days. (Christie, 10)
Where to farmers keep baby ears of corn?
In the corn crib. (Andrea)
Where do you take a frog with poor eyesight
To a hoptician (Felix, 11)
Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped. (Mike Benny)
What do monsters turn on when it is hot?
A scare conditioner (Nynna, 10)
What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe. (Robert Bryan)
Where do mummies like to swim?
In the Dead Sea (Alfonso, 8)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan. (Daily Groaner)
What is E.T. short for?
Because he has such short legs (Marsha Coleman)
What do you wear on the beach?
Sand-als! (Megan, 10)
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail the litter (Rita)
What does Dracula wear on his head when he flies?
A batting helmet (Esther, 9)
What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hiss-tory! (Laura, 11)
What language does a billboard speak?
Sign language! (Jerry, 13
What did the cop who became a doctor do for his patient's pain?
He arrested it (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that
doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone. (Archives)
A man diving from a 60-foot platform into a pail of water is only a drop in
the bucket. (Douglas Helsel)
Automobile mufflers don't die, they just get exhausted. (Sandy Sibert)
My neighbor's so dumb he planted bulbs in his yard so the garden would get
more light. (Anne Kostick)
They arrested the barber for running a clip joint. (Cynthia MacGregor)
To communicate with a fish, just drop him a line! (Norm Gilbert)
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. (Alan Corwin)
Don't be like a lemming. Avoid following the crowd and jumping to
conclusions. (Richard Lederer)
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. (Alan
Corwin)
Actors are cast through their good and bad stages. (Tony Thoennes)
A fish became a waiter, and he liked people to tip the scales. (Pun of the
Day)
The forecast for the weather in the kitchen is chili today and hot tamale.
Be like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like
crazy underneath. (Richard Lederer)
A dozen swimmers started a race at the stroke of twelve. (Pun of the Day)
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. (Alan Corwin)
Old race car drivers never die, they just write their auto biography. (Mike
Bull)
Be like the woodpecker. Just keep pecking away until you finish the job.
You'll succeed by using your head. (Richard Lederer)
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. (Sandy Sibert)
When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restauraunt he replied
- oh yes, we serve anybody. (Pun of the Day)
In a race in Scandinavia, the last Lapp finally crossed the Finnish line.
(Mike Bull)
Be like the woodpecker. Just keep pecking away until you finish the job.
You'll succeed by using your head. (Richard Lederer)
My brother's an outdoorsman. He's been thrown out of more doors than anyone
I know! (Anne Kostick)
The first thing a man with a new automobile runs into is debt. (Sandy
Sibert)
When the yacht ran out of fuel, everybody ended up in the same boat.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
armadillos. (Richard Lederer)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Chicken talking on a cell phone with a spherical egg at her side: "Oh, you
know. Just laying a round." (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)
"Y'know, Tina, it's true what they say, 'Time does heal all wounds.' Why
yesterday I was terribly hurt by this letter from my boyfriend., and today
the paper cut is healed. (Tina's Groove: Rina Piccolo)
Seconds count. Especially when dieting. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"Are we going to exchange gifts this year, Winnie?" "Well, I don't know
about you, but I always exchange mine!" (Flo & Friends: Gibel & Campbell)
"Roy's not here (at work) today because his home computer has a virus and
he's nursing it back to health." (Working Daze: Zakour & Miller)
Boy to computer: "Lets see, in addition to turkey we had mashed potatoes
with gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and green beans and for desert
Mom made this huge pumpkin pie with whipped cream." Computer: "I had Spam
and some of the spam had worms." (Foxtrot: Bill Amend)
Clown to doctor examining him: "I've been feeling kinda funny lately."
(Oddly Enough: Chris Kemp)
"Sometimes I think Gunther and I were meant to be together like peanut
butter and jelly." "Why? 'cuz he's a nut and you're a fruit? He's in a shell
and you re in a jam? He's thick and you're drippy? Ha Ha Ha!" "What would
you do for fun if I weren't here?" (Luann: Greg Evans)
"Spell 'unit"." "Use it in a sentence, please, and don't make it a real busy
sentence or my head will get to hurting and the spelling germs in my brain
will revolt and take a coffee break or something." "If you want it that
badly, than you knit the sweater yourself." "Mom, Dad's not taking this
spelling stuff seriously." (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
I'm not surE if it was a compliment or not. She said I was the snooze alarm
on her biologic clock. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
A dog's best friend is his boy. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
How come nobody talks about going to the moon anymore? (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"My new exercises give me foot problems." "Ah, callousthenics." (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Piece of meat on table talking: "I mean, can you believe that kidney? You'd
think he's never seen a platelet before! And don't get me started on the
gall bladderŠ" Man: "Oh, like you've never vented your spleenŠ" (Speed
Bumps: Dave Coverly)
Ever since they started cloning sheep, I've been getting twice as much
sleep. (PC & Pixel: Thach Bui)
Two boys talking "For all we know, God likes to watch football, too." "Then
you'd think the Saints would make the playoffs once in a while." (Frazz:
Jeff Mallett)
Heavy set man at dinner table: "More, Please. Americans overeat, and by God,
I'm an American." (Robert Weber)
A cow is spinning a hula hoop" "Why is she using the hula hoop?" "I wanted a
fresh milk shake." (Doodles: Sack & Macintoch)
Zoos are inhuman. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)