"Puns of the Day" 7/28/00
Stan Kegel
A chorus girl gets her education by stages, a college girl by degrees.
(The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew. (Pun
of the Day)
What do you call a redneck from Thailand? A redneck Thai. (Roly Behar)
If yew wood be like Johnny Appleseed, yew wood be well advised to visit
Maryland because that's where an apple is. Unless you wish to try the
native variety, In which case you'll need to visit Indiana because
that's where Indian apple is. (Gary Hallock )
Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. (Charles Schulz)
Proofreading is what a wino does in a liquor store. (Ron Forsch)
Answer: Elton John.
Question: How is John Elton listed in the phone book? (Stan Kegel)
Headlines: HMO Agrees to End Physician Capitation. Physician
de-capitation to begin immediately (M. Furfur, M. D.)
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help
me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I
dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero.
Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says
the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.
(Donna Ecker)
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The
man says, "I make a good living." (William Brabant)
Tylanol suppositories now available in chewable from. (M. Furfur, M. D.)
Coup de Gras: A Lawnmower (Fred)
Consummate: To pull the wool over the eyes of a spouse. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists. (Davis Vine)
The attributes of bathing suits
For lasses of lithesome limb
Make me inquire
If this attire
Is worn to slink or swim.
(Norm Gilbert)
Whoever doesn’t understand the Kegel Exercises doesn’t realize the
gravidy of the situation. (Rusty Smith)
The publisher enjoyed reviewing the company books. (Jumble)
"Is VENISON the list of the top ten Italian tourist cities?" (Alan Stillson)
Pity the two red corpuscles. They loved in vein. (Henny Youngman in Very Punny)
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged." (Quickies)
"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly (Richard Lederer)
The ambitious mathematician was disliked because he was too calculating. (Jumble)
Mustang: An uncontrollable desire to drink synthetic orange juice.
(Brandy Brandon)
Will pollution of the Grand Canal make a Venetian blind? (Stan Kegel)
My teacher told me that my book report needed a proofreader. Indignant,
I asked teacher to call my mother, who had seen me reading the book.
(Scot Nelson)
How many calfs did the mother cow have? About heifer dozen. (James D. Ertner)
People who live in the mountains have their own viewpoint. (Mike Bull)
Protuberance: Small insects that are fond of potatoes. (Gary Hallock)
Teaching in Louisiana is an edu-Cajun. (Carlos Benjamin)
Hemlock: The position a woman finds herself in when her high heel snags
her skirt. (Lars Hanson)
Is an incompetent doctor a Hippocratic oaf? (Lawrence Brotherton)
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in
it. (Aiken Drum)
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's
how I lost my mind. (Steve Allen)
Filly Mignon: The tenderest cut of horse meat (Stan Kegel)
Where there's a will, I want to be in it. (Lee Bosch)
My wife is very punctual. In fact she buys everything on time (Henny Youngman)
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Cow: A machine with makes grass fit for people to eat. (John McNulty)
A tourist saw a sign just outside a Turkish mosque and asked the guide
to interpret it for him. The guide explained, "It says, 'Please Don't
Salaam the Door.” (Gunjam Saraf)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams. (Bill Rayburn)
Frederick's of Hollywood filed for bankruptcy Thursday. The assets will
be auctioned off, with most items available for a thong. (Jokes Rule)
Incongruous: Where federal laws are made. (Stan Kegel)
And then there was the arthritic tippler who got stiff in all the
joints. (Blackie Sherrod)
I was once good humored, but I'm all bitter now. (Satya)
We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid ... until she
closed her curtains. (Quickies)
"I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly. (Richard Lederer)
Flosstrophobia: fear of getting something stuck between your teeth. (L.
R. Thoennes)
In order to heat the hen house, and keep the chickens from leaving, the
farmer put in a fireplace, complete with a solid brick chimney. You
might say he flue the coop. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Yachts that your brothers own are relation ships. (Pun of the Day)
Harry Potter seems to have taken the fictional world by storm! This
bespectacled boy is now on everyone's lips! And so is the authoress! But
it's been known since time immemorial that the book would suceed and
rake in the moolah. How's that? Simple, we all know that "A Rowling tome
gathers no loss. (Chalapathi)
Parlay-vous Francais: Take all your winnings from the earlier races and
put them all on Francais in the feature (Cynthia MacGregor)
The first scientists who studied fog were mistified. (Mike Bull)
A princess gets her education one knight at a time. (J. A. Mc.)
Ad infin item: Buy something for a newborn (Guy Ben Moshe)
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.
(Joseph Hillebrandt)
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. (Jokes Central)
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
(Oliver Herford)
Children brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!
(Aiken Drum)
Aviary: The place where aviators sleep. (Syman Hirsch)
A rabbi's foot brings good luck. (Mary Ann Madden)
In order to prepare sweet breads properly you must use the pan creases.
(Stan Kegel)
Headline: Miners Refuse to Work After Death (Ron Klar)
It's when the fish opens his mouth that he gets caught. (Renee from Napa)
Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. the man who received
it said he got it for a song. (Bob Weaver)
Non Corpus Meantus: He can't be dead! I didn't mean to kill him!
(Clynch Varnadore)
“There’s no easy way to say this, Mrs. Van Amerangen, but your husband
slipped away quietly during surgery. Oh, wait, never mind. There he is
behind that couch.” (Piraro)
Wattage: How you ask a person how old they are (Jay Christie)
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation? A He
Then (Stan Kegel)
A certain corporate spokescharacter was approached by a political
candidate who offered to prove he could quickly utilize a couple of the
character's products, thus proving their appeal. But the spokescharacter
preferred to keep holding onto the product himself. Why? Because Ronald
McDonald knew that a burger in the hand is worth two in Bush. (By
Cynthia MacGregor)
In Beijing a man was run over by a steam roller. When he came to, he
was awfully crabby. You might say he was a crushed Asian (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)
Flirtation: Attention without intention (Lee Daniel Quinn)
For insomnia move to the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. (Pun
of the Day)
"I'm a mathematician," Tom added summarily. (Richard Lederer)
Sign on the petshop window.- "Every customer receives a free legless
parakeet. No perches necessary" (Gary Hallock)
Mutant: Mother’s sister after her stroke (Jakk Bass)
Long ago a teach of mine said: "Learn to speak clearly. So people will
understand you when you say the equator is a menagerie lion running
around the earth." (L.M. Boyd)
It shouldn't, but my back always hurts when there's a fog. I guess it's
my mist ache. (Rusty Smith)
Macrame: There's knotting to it. (Syman Hirsch)
"Some you lose," said Tom winsomely. (Kegel Archives)
With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's
enough to scareosol to death. (Mike Bull)
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with. (Ed Hexter)
The only voice I get in family shopping is the invoice. (Henny Youngman)
Rich foods are like destiny. They, too, shape our ends. (Art. Moger)
Chiropractor: Egyptian Doctor (Richard Lederer)
If native Americans made a raw fish dinner, would it be called
Souix-shi? (Obnoxio The Clown)
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers
never get a chance to use much of it. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
My wife's not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a
lot of kids smell that way. (Hershy)
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message
comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your
television screen." My Girlfriend asked: "How do they know what size
television you have?" (Ed Hexter)
'Heel, Spike' said Tom stiletto loss for words. (David Reihmer)
Aorta: Something you should do. (Stan Kegel)
"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded. (Dave Cable)
I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow,
and to the Republicans for which they scam, one nacho, underpants, with
licorice and jugs of wine for owls. (Matt Groening)
The hydrant's where city kids play,
Just prancing and dancing away.
Now it's coolth in a torrent
For the warmth that's abhorrent --
For relief from the heat let us spray.
(Lars Hanson)
Did Mama CASSETTE the table when the Mamas and the Papas met for dinner?
(Alan Stillson)
Too many square meals can lead to a round belly. (Jumble)
"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed greatly. (Richard Lederer)
Why will a horse of a sorrel, chestnut, or bay color whose coat is
sprinkled with grey and who hides aboard a ship never turn green?
Because a stowing roan gathers no moss. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why did the rivers of Ancient Greece dry up after the nine-headed
monster was killed? Because it was de-hydrated. (Bad Puns)
Bruise: A six pack of beer (Kegel Archives)
Sherbet: A horse that can't lose. (Dave Coble)
My wife shops like a human dynamo. Charges everything. (Henny Youngman)
As he was making out his will, the Scottish King said to his son, "I'm
giving you the castle you wanted, what moor do you want, for peat's
sake?" (David Reihmer)
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on
the
aspirin bottle. Take two and keep away from children. (Don Thorn)
Minor operation: Coal Digging (Jakk Bass)
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. (Samuel
Langhorne Clemens)
Gambling away the rent money is a moving experience (Jokemaster)
Belong: To take your time (Art. Moger)
When Tom gets home from work, his wife tells him, "The doctor says I
can't make love." Tom says, "How'd he find out?" (Marsha in Texas)
Exposition: The location of yolks on your plate (Hershy)
What is the difference between a common thief and an American naval
hero? One is Steven the Taker, and the other is Stephen Decatur. (By
Lars Hanson)
The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns,
you only think you're covered. (Aiken Drum)
Henry VIII
There are some, with abundance of gall
Have suggested, I seem to recall
My behavior was grossest,
But they've failed diagnosis:
In each reign, there's some wife has to fall.
(Lester Macavity)
Could you say that a cannibalistic lion might swallow his pride? (Ken Shurget)
Backward: Beds for sacroiliac cases. (John S. Crosbie)
What do crazy cats like to drink? Catatonic. (James D. Ertner)
If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.
(Pun of the Day Archives)
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing (The Pun
Factory)
My wife went to the corner market. Bought two corners. (Henny Youngman)
Airport: Terminal architecture for the upward mobile (M. Rose Pierce)
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. We're
going back next year. (Groucho Marx)
I am an artist. My brother is an artist. You might say we are a pair of
drawers. (Harvey Gordon)
“The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?” “Oh, the
horse will draw that.” (Helen Hoke)
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. (Don Thorn)
People are like tea bags. You have to put them in hot water before you
know how strong they are. (Bill Rayburn)
If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial
portfolio. (chucklebuns)
While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started
screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!" I asked, "Are you
sick?" "No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school (Marsha
in Texas)
Vulcans always have a point and that is not just earsay. (Vlad Lenin)
Bastille: What the bars are made of in a French prison. (Norm Gilbert)
"That was lame," said Charlie hoarsely. (John Fuller)
"Keith Richards became a grandfather today. The baby weighed 2.5 kilos."
(Jay Leno)
We stayed at a hotel that was very cheap, but they still change they
linen every day. Room 301 changes with room 303, Room 302 changes with
Room 304. (Fogie’s Funnies)
The Germans are buying our phone companies, and I'm a little uneasy
about their motto: We have ways of making you talk." (Bill Maher)
If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a
test-tube baby ever be president? (E4Fun)