Puns of the Weak Part 4 The Groaners
Stan Kegel
GROANERS:
There are so many people attempting to sneak weapons onto airplanes these
days, they have set up special boarding gates for people with different
types of weapons. I saw two signs at the airport, one said "Air Rifles"
and the other said "Deep Archers." (Gary Hallock)
In Africa, three big-game hunters were resting by their campfire when one
announced, "I'm restless.. Think I'll go for a short hike." The other two
didn't fret over his non-appearance for an hour. Then one glanced at his
watch and murmured, "Hmm! Wonder what's eating old Ernest!" (Bennett Cerf)
See, there were these Indians sneaking over the hill, peeking over, only
visible from the nose up, and on the other side of the range were the
ranchers, also hiding behind a rise. One rancher decided to sneak over to
the Injun area and try to rout them into a retreat. When the other ranchers
realized where he was going, they yelled, "What are you doing?! That's
Sioux-eye-side!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could eat
anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is, except the
very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox
breaks! (Tony Ochoa)
Producer Max Gordon instructed his secretary to locate a certain brash
comedian who was working on the road. She returned to report, "You're too
late. He died last night in Kansas City." To which Gordon sighed, "He
always did!" (Bennett Cerf)
A school teacher asked a student the following question: "What does a
farmer do while searching for honey?" Since it was a multiple choice
question and the student thought the second answer was the correct one, he quietly
prays "B"
as he thinks the answer is
preys bee
and hopes he'll be able to exclaim
praise be! (Jim Ertner)
"Pun, why're you making a pizza?"
“ It's a way to pasta time!”
“I never sausage bad joke!”
“ I think i'll visit my Aunt Chovie! (Mack Rowe/ The International Save the
Pun Foundation)
Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the son
of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big
swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that separated the two
tribes. Pop and his daughter showed up at the appointed time, only to
discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the
stream. The father grunted, ... "The fool doesn't even know which side his
bride is bartered on." (Randall Woodman)
I used to work for a Japanese consulting firm and headed up their U.S.
office. On one of my frequent trips to Japan, I met a nice Japanese man who
had worked at the GE Louisville plant. He was there on a worker exchange
program from his job with GE in Japan. While living in Louisville, he heard
about the Louisville Thoroughbred barbershop chorus and decided to join
since he loved singing. After a while, he returned to Japan and taught his
three teen-age boys the joys of barbershop harmony. They formed a quartet
that he called "The Rising Sons." Of course, their favorite song was "If
You Knew Sushi, Like I Know Sushi. (Bob Levi)
Tina, the Hollywood agent, was so upset by her inability to find work for a
singer that she began to sob for her in her presence. Her client tried to
console her. "Don't cry for me Agent Tina." (Daily Groaner)
Life with Men is like a deck of cards: You need a Heart to love them; a
Diamond to marry them; a Club to beat them; and a Spade to bury the
bastards (Mike M.)
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutang was reading two books ...
the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape,
"Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutang, "I
just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
(Sandy Sibert)
An athlete perpetually failed on the field. His coach declared that his
problem was lack of energy and determination. "You're putting in a
lackluster, lackadaisical performance," he said. "So how do I win?" asked
the athlete. "I want to win." Replied the coach, "You want to triumph? Try
oomph!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Two society leaders in Africa's snobbiest cannibal tribe were discussing
their marital troubles. "I don't know what to make of my husband these
days," confessed the first. "Don't let that bother you," the second
reassured her. "I'll send over my new book of recipes." (Bennett Cerf)
Years ago there was a pizza restaurant chain called "Shakeys." It may have
been regional, but I assure you it was pretty popular around here. I don't
know where the name came from, but for some reason they no longer exist.
perhaps it was due to some coercion from an epileptic's support group. At
any rate, the restaurant chain no longer operates in this market. In it's
place we now have "Little Seisures." (Gary Hallock)
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with
the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the
most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus,
the pawnbroker, to get a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars
for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't
you know who I am? I am the king!" Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a
Star, makes no difference who you are. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Becky was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after her recent bout
with the flu and went to see her Doctor. After a quick examination, he
said, "You look weak and exhausted ! What have you been doing?"Are you
getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, and having your
meals three times a day as I advised you on your last visit?"Becky, looked
up, a bit surprised and exclaimed , " Oh Doc, I've sure been getting the
first two, but on that last one, I could swear you said three males a day!"
(Gard Webster)
A celebrated swami had a cousin who, understandably enough, was a whirling
dervish in the Ringling Circus. One day an uncommonly handsome damsel
picked up this dervish and took him out for a row on the lake in Central
Park. Suddenly the boat tilted, and the damsel quavered to her companion,
"I'm afraid I've lost my oar, Derv." (Bennett Cerf)
About twenty-five years ago I pitched the cigarettes, for good.
Unfortunately I couldn't do without the nicotine, though, so the way I
ditched the cancer sticks was by substituting a pipe. Since that time I've
used nearly every conceivable method for quitting. Cold turkey. Nicotine
gum. Hypnosis (which actually worked for a while). Never quite got up the
gumption to try acupuncture. Now the FDA has approved a special
quit-smoking aid for pipe smokers. It's been dubbed "The Briar Patch". (Bob Dvorak)
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police
force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the
police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man
replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered
the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops." (Jim Retired Postal)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
A mink-coated matron ankled into an exclusive Beacon Hill psychiatrist's
office leading a duck by a gold chain. "What can I do for you?" asked the
psychiatrist. "You can't do anything for me," answered the matron. "It's my
poor husband. He seems to think he's a duck." (Bennett Cerf)
"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact
match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client.
"What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is only 180." (Douglas Helsel)
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the
younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't
matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the
Commander-in-Chief....... I always told those guys exactly where to get
off. "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked.
"What was your job in the service?" "Elevator boy in the Pentagon."
(Michael Rogers)
In Philadelphia, a prosecuting attorney ordered a comely defendant, "Tell
the jury just why you shot your husband with a bow and arrow -and remember,
you've sworn to tell the truth." The defendant brushed away a tear and
answered, "I didn't want to wake the children." (Bennett Cerf)
One night Mr. and Mrs. Bloomberg were walking home from a party. No word
had been spoken since they left. "What are you mad at me about?" inquired
Bloomberg. "You disgraced me tonight!" she replied. "What? How? When?"
asked her surprised husband. "When Mrs. Epstein was at the table, she said,
'Mr Bloomberg, please pass your plate,' and you took out your teeth and
said, 'upper or lower?'" (Joe Laurie, Jr.)
PUNY RIDDLES
New processes means that magazines will soon be carrying edible pages of
sugared confections; read and eat. But of course one must sleep. What
misquote from the Bard might one address to the magazine or its parts as
one snuggles down.
Goodnight sweet prints.(Joseph Harris)
What would 2000 pounds of rowers use as a garnish on their salads?
Crew Tons (Gary Hallock)
Mark was zoning out. There were people around, but he could no longer see
them; no longer hear them. He gazed into the twin pools; the depth of them
reflected the sunlight, and with some small effort he could detect the
mirror of his own visage. He reached down and touched a finger to the edge
of one of them -- then raised it to his face and studied the moisture
highlighting the whorls of his index finger. After a few seconds, he
recognized the substance on his finger, and declared this knowledge with a
few simple words that changed his life forever...
"Eye Dew" (Bob Dvorak)
"I don't want cheese in my salad," the man complained. "Sorry-you're too
late," his wife replied. And this was so because it was...what?
A feta accompli (Cynthia MacGregor)
What does Ms. Mills use to scrub her bathtub and sink?
Halley's Comet (Gary Hallock)
Tim Bruening
Stan Kegel wrote:
> There are so many people attempting to sneak weapons onto airplanes these
> days, they have set up special boarding gates for people with different
> types of weapons. I saw two signs at the airport, one said "Air Rifles"
> and the other said "Deep Archers." (Gary Hallock)
At Transylvania Airways, there are signs saying "Stakers", "Crossing Zone", and "Holy
Watering Cans".