Kids Puns of the Weak 12-07-04
Stan Kegel
HAPPY CHANUKAH * REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR
HOLIDAY PUNS
Night Before Chanukah: <http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRhanukkah2.htm>
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents. (Simon Champion)`
Santa has 11 reindeer. Name them!
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudoph
(the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer) and Al (Then
Al the reindeer loved him) (Silly Stuff)
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle (Maurizio Mariotti)
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him. (Gail S. Angel)
On December 24, Adam's wife was known as?
Christmas Eve (Richard Lederer)
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it ! (Kids Jokes)
A cat walking on the desert is bound to getŠ what?
Sandy claws (Richard Lederer)
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to Ewe! (Alison, 10)
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe (Richard Lederer).
Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else ! (Kids Jokes)
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him ! (Kid¹s Jokes)
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem (Maurizio Mariotti).
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary! (Devarrio, 11)
What kind of key do you have to cook?
A Laitke. (Syman Hirsch)
Christmas is the season when all good men and true have the presence of mind
and presents in mind. (Anon.)
Christmas: That time of the year when mother has to separate the men from
the toys; (Lee Daniel Quinn)
I've seen the Ghost of Christmas Past and he's shaped like a credit card.
(Fred Barling)
A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long standing. (Henny Youngman)
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She
says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" "What denomination?"
the clerk asks. " O my God! Has it come to this?" says the blonde. "Give me
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist." (Les Pourciau)
Little Johnny was drawing a picture of Santa Claus and his Reindeer. He was
a good little artist and his coloration was usually accurate. All of the
reindeer that he had drawn were various shades of brown with the exception
of one. It was green. His teacher was curious, and asked him why all the
reindeer were brown with one exception. Little Johnny responded "Oh, that's
Olive. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer song says, "Olive the other reindeer!"
(Myke Ashley-Cooper)
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was always horsing around. (Kid's Jokes)
Why did the ghost go to Hollywood?
He wanted to take a scream test. (Deanna, 7)
What should you do if your dog swallows a book?
Take the words right out of his mouth. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the comedian tell jokes to the eggs?
He wanted to crack them up. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What did the hair say to the comb?
Stop Teasing Me. (Daily Groaner)
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you! (Michael Rogers)
What did the woman who was sawed-in-half in the late afternoon say to the
magician?
Can you join me for dinner? (Archives)
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A hoarse doctor. (Bob Phillips)
Did you hear about the convict who was allergic to jail
He would break-out in hives. (Mike Benny)
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches (Daily Groaner)
Why did the doctor make a house call?
To check on its window panes. (Sarah Cutter)
What happened to the kid who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the baker stop baking bread?
Because he wasn't making enough dough. (Kid's Jokes)
What grows up while growing down?
A Goose (Judy K.)
Why did the quartz break up with the slate?
Because it was taking it for granite. (Finn, 6)
What did the doc say when he finished the operation?
All right, that's enough out of you! (William Brabant)
What language does a billboard speak?
Sign language! (Jerry, 13)
What did the magnet say to the other magnet?
"I'm attracted to you!" (Bob, 8)
Why did the music teacher get locked out of her classroom?
Because the keys were in the piano (Jamie Strack)
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming Catholic (Tash, 15)
How much does a Math Teacher eat every day?
3 square meals. (Daily Groaner)
What season is it on a trampoline?
Springtime. (Shelby, 9)
Why do they put telephone wires so high?
To hold up the conversation. (Daily Groaner)
Who has the most fun when you tickle a mule?
He may enjoy it, but you'll get a bigger kick out of it. (Joseph
Rosenbloom)
What are twins' favorite fruits?
Pears! (Anna, 4)
Why are comedians like doctors?
Because they keep people in stitches. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What keeps the oceans clean?
Tide (William Brabant)
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells! (Herbert, 10)
What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hiss-tory! (Laura, 11)
Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
He heard it had great circulation. (Daily Groaner)
What was the pig doing in the kitchen?
Bacon cookies (Elly Freytag)
What does Dracula wear on his head when he flies?
A batting helmet (Esther, 9)
What do you call the man who gives you the sauce in a restaurant?
A sorcerer. (Debra Burnett)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
My daughter's 5th grade class had been studying astronomy. One morning at
breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." That's
when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, "Mom?"
(Teacher's Lounge)
A backward poet writes inverse. (Tony Thoennes)
When she dropped the mug, the secretary experienced a coffee "break".
(Jumble)
In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as
I was always being suspended. (Emo Philips)
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. (Imbaldira)
Midwest farmers are just plain folks. (Sandy Sibert)
There was a snake that gave birth to a bouncing baby boa. (Pun of the Day)
My aunt ought to be on the Parole Board because she never lets anyone finish
a sentence! (Anne Kostick)
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. (Imbaldira)
A doctor cut himself quite deeply on a piece of glass. He went to his wife
and asked her if he should go to the emergency room. She said, "Suture self.
(Caboom)
Convicts are committed people. (Tony Thoennes)
I could have been a geometry teacher, but I hung around in the wrong
circles. (Jimmy Launce/Marsha Coleman)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking (Imbaldira)
The electric chair is period furniture. It ends a sentence. (Haust Javeri)
Buccaneer: The price of corn. (Sandy Sibert)
This guy kissed his girlfriend in the fog and mist. (Moni)
A little boy walked up to his mom, and said: "Mommy, mommy! can you see any
change in me?" "No, why?" "i just swallowed five cents." (Miranda)
I could have been a cardiologist, but my heart just wasn't in it. (Jimmy
Launce/Marsha Coleman)
To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money (Mike Bull)
To save money you can shut off all your electricity; you'll soon be in the
black (Mike Bull)
A new mixer can create quite a stir. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
In 1902 The first gum factory opened. An employee fell into a vat, and his
boss chewed him out. (Daryl Stout)
My husband's so dumb, he saves burned-out light bulbs to use in his
darkroom. (Anne Kostick)
I could have been a big wheel, but I never spoke up. (Jimmy Launce/Marsha
Coleman)
My tailor didn't have my pants ready when he said he would so I sued him for
promise of breeches. (Anne Kostick)
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those
are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable beasts I have ever
seen." One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I
just heard a discouraging word. (Gail Angel)
I could have been a fairy tale author, but I was too Grimm. (Jimmy
Launce/Marsha Coleman)
I tried to tow a trailer with my car, but it unfortunately went off without
a hitch. (David Reihmer)
I could have been a bridge builder, but I had fallen arches. (Jimmy
Launce/Marsha Coleman)
If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?
(Lily Tomlin)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
A, E, I, O, and U are vowels and the other letters are continents. (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Two giraffe's talking: " That's the last time I'll help Eugene. He didn't
even say thanks!" "That's what you get for sticking your neck out!" (Animal
Crackers: Fred Wagner)
The early bird catches the wormŠ Getting up early didn't work out too well
for the worm. (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
That's your cousin Zeke, the farmer. He grew lima beans and corn. One day a
tornado ripped through his farm and he wound up with succotash. (Blondie:
Young & Lebrun)
"Maybe you should lose some weight, Winnie." "I'm not overweight, Flo. I'm
just eight inches too short for my height." (Flo & Friends: Gibel &
Campbell)
Worker about boss: "He said if I was a self-starter, he wouldn't be a crank
all the time." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
"Why so glum, Fran?" "I met this guy at the bus station last night. But all
he could talk about was his late wife." "Well, at least you know he's
single." "No. She was just late! She finally showed up and they left." (The
Sunshine Club: Howie Schneider)
Rabbi to cantor lighting oil lamp: "You're right, Hal. The bible says God
specifically commanded the people to bring olive oil to light the lamps in
the holy place, but I think you're taking it too literally." Olive Oil is
standing at cantor's side. (For Heavens Sake: Mike Morgan)
A fool and his money are soon partedŠ How did they get together in the first
place? (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
A self-made man only worships his creator. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Cross-examination: "Mr. Donovan, did you drive your car into the defendant?"
"No." "Mr. Donovan, do you know what perjury is?" "A jury for cats?" "Do you
know what a funny joke is?" (Mike Donovan)
Girl looking in Grandpa's throat with a tongue depressor: "Say 'Ahh!" "What
kind of a doctor are you, Doc?" "A very busy doctor!" "So you're on call,
huh?" "I'm an on callologist!" (One Big Happy: Rick Detone)
"Poochie's trainer is on the phone. He can't come over to train him today,
but he wants to give Poochie a few commands over his cell phone.: Phone:
"Roll over, Poochie, roll over." "He must have one of those phones with
roll-over minutes." (Nancy: Guy & Brad Gilchrist)
Second Marriage: Hope over Experience. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
A mate stands by you in the trouble you wouldn't have if you didn't get
married. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Love is never having to go to a singles bar. (Motley: Larry Wright)
Lost on the highway: "Why don't you ask for direction? You're no roads
scholar." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)