Shaggy Puns

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J Walradt

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Feb 17, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/17/98
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Thanks for bringing back Shaggy's, Steve! I've always liked those. :-)
John

Steve P. <po...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in article
<6ca3co$n...@bgtnsc03.worldnet.att.net>...
> When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire
> known
> world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight
> spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it,
> he
> continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his
> aides
> noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The
> Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one
> looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial
> and
> you could tell the correct time!
> So they called it Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.
>
>
>
>
> In ancient Rome, workers in a popular deli were told that
> they
> could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour. Anything,
> that
> is, except the expensive smoked salmon. Thus was created the
> world's first anti-lox breaks.
>
>
>
> A few years ago in my back garden there was this ant
> hill, where
> all the wood ants lived. This was right near the gate at the
> back, and
> we let them live there, because they weren't causing any
> hassle, or
> eating the foundations or anything like that. Now you know
> how ants
> have loads of different levels in their colonies for
> different things
> like larval nurseries, well these ants were even more
> civilized; they
> had sports centres, where ants could work out and play
> (an)tennas and
> other games; the ant pile had a cinema, showing such
> cartoons like
> "Penelope Pitstop" (remember the Anthill mob?) and also
> classics like
> "Them".
> On the bottom floor there was a shopping mall, where
> the ants
> could buy all kinds of ant-related products. This particular
> colony
> was very commercial, and there were a good number of
> MerchAnts. My
> next door neighbour, who is a nuclear chemist, is a very
> careless man.
> He is apparently involved in some very well paid top secret
> experimentation with the government, and he never talks
> about his
> work.
> One day, as he was coming round the back of his house
> (he had
> locked himself out of the front door) he slipped on the wet
> grass (it
> always rains here, and he has expensive leather-soled shoes)
> and
> dropped his briefcase. Unfortunately he had left his regular
> briefcase
> at home that day, so he had had to buy a cheap temporary
> replacement
> from the market to take home his experiment. This bad
> quality
> replacement flew open as it fell under the gate, and a small
> lump of
> polonium (or was it astatine fell out.
> Anyway, it was something which had a half life long
> enough to get
> to the ant hill! It jumped out of the case and out from
> within its
> shielding (which he had neglected to check) and lodged in
> the wood ant
> pile! He was a bit squeamish, and didn't really feel like
> plunging his
> hand into an active ant colony, so he left it there
> intending to come
> back for it later. Being as hopelessly forgetful as he was,
> he totally
> forgot about it. Meanwhile, within the colony things started
> to
> change, as the radiation started to mutate the ants' genetic
> code.
> Far from growing enormous and red like in most ant
> horror movies,
> the radiation inhibited their growth hormone production, and
> they lost
> their pigment producing capabilities. You could see through
> them!
> Suddenly things had to change in the hill: the stairs had to
> be
> smaller, and all the equipment had to be shrunk! In the
> shops
> <punch line coming up> all the styles were too large, and
> the colours
> all clashed, so they had to make a whole new range of
> clothing and
> accessories. They sold off the old stuff under the
> promotional line of
> "Reduced for Clear Ants."
>
>
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> Octogenarian sadomasochist - Whip van Wrinkle
>
>

Doug Russell

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Feb 17, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/17/98
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po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve P.) wrote:

> When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire
>known
>world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight
>spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it,
>he
>continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his
>aides
>noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The
>Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one
>looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial
>and
>you could tell the correct time!
>So they called it Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.


>In ancient Rome, workers in a popular deli were told that
>they
>could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour. Anything,
>that
>is, except the expensive smoked salmon. Thus was created the

>world's first anti-lox breaks. <snip>

As workmen started building the hospital, the big boss, the chief
engineer, gathered them together. "Men," he said, "if you can get
this job done in record time, I'll treat you all to a huge beer bust!"
The workmen went at it with a fury, building three complete floors of
the tall structure in just one day! They eagerly sought out the chief
engineer, who presented them with a shot glass of beer. The men were
disgusted, and asked how the boss could be that stingy. He replied,
"A pitcher is worth a thousand wards."

Megan Waves

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Feb 17, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/17/98
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On Mon, 16 Feb 1998 19:10:44 GMT, po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve P.)
wrote:

> When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire
>known
>world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight
>spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it,
>he
>continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his
>aides
>noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The
>Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one
>looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial
>and
>you could tell the correct time!
>So they called it Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.
>
>
>
>
>In ancient Rome, workers in a popular deli were told that
>they
>could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour. Anything,
>that
>is, except the expensive smoked salmon. Thus was created the
>world's first anti-lox breaks.
>
>
>

This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going to be
permanAnt. (But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)

nospam TheMenace

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Feb 17, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/17/98
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Dentist to patient: "I'm appalled by the condition of your dental plates.
What have you been eating?"

Patient: "Well, this past Christmas I indulged in Hollandaise sauce..."

Dentist: "That does it! We're gonna have to replace them with chrome ones.."

Patient: "But why, doc?"

Dentist: " Well you see, there's no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.."

Doug Russell

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Feb 18, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/18/98
to

po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve P.) wrote:

>The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
<snip>
>"That was the bar bitch you ate, buddy!"
<snip>
>In Saudi Arabia an Arab sheik fell off a carnival
>merry-go-round and was promptly gobbled up by the second of
>three hungry sheep. The carnival owner shook the sheep and
>said "Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy Bey."

At the panhandlers' convention, there were many speakers who shared
their creative ideas on how to make money while living on the streets.
The best-received of all presenters was a man who advocated this grand
strategy: First you select a place where huge amounts of people
gather--preferably rich people. Then you scope out these people to
determine their chief interest. Now instead of using a variety of
approaches to asking for money, you think up one major question that
is bound to get the attention of this particular group, and bound to
tug at their heart strings (and purse strings). You shout this
question at the top of your lungs, for example, "WON'T YOU PLEASE GIVE
ME $10,000 RIGHT NOW? This convention presenter titled his method
"Putting all your begs in one "ask it!"


David Birch

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Feb 18, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/18/98
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Then there was the story of the man from Florida who discovered he could
keep porpoises alive forever by feeding them seagulls. One day after
catching seagulls at the beach, he drove home to feed the porpoise he
kept in a pool in the back. He started to carry the cage with the gulls
into his house, but there was a lion sleeping on his porch in front of
the door. He figured it was asleep and he had to get into the house so
he crossed over the lion. As he was preparing lunch there was a knock
at the door. It was the FBI and they arrested him for transporting
gulls across a stead lion for immortal porpoises.


TM

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
to

There were these two guys stranded in a desert without any water. They had
been wandering aimlessly for days until one day they came upon a bustling
marketplace - right in the middle of the desert! At first they thought it
was a mirage, but when they heard the sounds of the peddlers hawking their
wares and the customers squabbling for bargains, they rushed in. They went
to the nearest shop and said to the bearded shopkeeper, "O, most esteemed
son of the desert, do you have a little water to spare for two parched
travellers?" The merchant replied, "I am sorry, effendi, but I cannot help
you. All I have are these confections of sponge cake with custard, jelly,
fruit and cream." The travellers went on to the next store and begged the
owner, "A thousand greetings, oh glorious vendor of luxury goods. Could you
spare us some water?" The reply was, "Please accept my pardons, good sirs,
for all I have are these confections of sponge cake with custard, jelly,
fruit and cream." The two men were desperate now, and they grabbed hold of a
passing vendor and gasped, "Water..please." He said, "Ah, it is a great
misfortune for me that I cannot assist you. Alas, I possess only these
confections of sponge cake with custard, jelly, fruit and cream." The men,
exasperated, left the market. A little later, one of them said, "Odd, wasn't
it; such a big market in the middle of the desert, and all they're selling
is confections of sponge cake with custard, jelly, fruit and cream." The
other remarked, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

Mamma Lion and Pappa Lion were going for a hunt, so they told the baby lions
to remain in their cave until they returned. The baby lions were young and
restless, so soon after their parents had left, they went out to hunt for
gnus. Soon, they managed to catch a couple of gnus and kill them. They had a
hearty meal. As one of the lion cubs was taking his last bite of gnu flesh,
he saw Mum and Dad returning, and said to his siblings, "That was the end of
the gnus. And here are the head lions."
--
TM
Press any key to quit. Press any other key to continue.
cpc...@giasdl01.diespammers.vsnl.net.in
(Remove 'diespammers' from the address, bozo)

Doug Russell

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
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(Steve P.) wrote:
>Megan Waves wrote:

>>This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
>>to be permanAnt.
>>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)

>You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)

A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never part.


Doug Russell

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
to

po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve P.) wrote:

><snips before punchlines>
> They have become known as:
>"The taxi-free municipal blondes"
> "Give my broads to Regardway!"
>This proves that too many Brooks spoil the cloth.

Once upon a time, in the Ancient East, some men were chosen at random,
gathered together, and told they'd be auditioned for a high position
in the King's harem. The very thought of this--daily contact with all
those beautiful concubines--was incredibly exciting, and very
intimidating. The men were dressed in jeweled servants' clothes, and
given huge feather fans. Their job, they were told, was to keep the
king cool by a graceful movement of their fans, and the best man would
get to spend the night with the king's most beautiful concubine! They
were allowed to practice their fanning, and even got lessons from the
head of all the king's servants. They did very well together, but
they started quaking in their boots when they learned they'd not
audition as a group, but one by one! They were all so intimidated,
that each man hesitated and cowered when asked to demonstrate his
fanning abilities. So, one by one, each was eliminated from the
competition. They later adopted the motto, "Together we fanned,
divided we stall."


pml

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
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Oh, comb on. Did they later give each other the brush-off?

Megan Waves

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
to

They loved to curl up together, but their passion came in streaks.

pml

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
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Megan Waves <r...@netbistro.com> wrote in article
<34f97430...@news.netbistro.com>...

When saying grace at the table, they said, "Let us spray." That's because
they were holy rollers. But when they went to bed, they gave each other a
blow-dry job.


Melanie Aultman

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
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On 19 Feb 1998, Doug Russell wrote:
>
> (Steve P.) wrote:
> >Megan Waves wrote:
>
> >>This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
> >>to be permanAnt.
> >>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)
>
> >You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)
>
> A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never part.
>
> But then they divorced and she married a dentist. After
some time they were fighting tooth and nail.
>


Ardens2989

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Feb 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/19/98
to

In article <34EC42...@dhc.net>, pml <lavi...@dhc.net> writes:

>Doug Russell wrote:
>
> (Steve P.) wrote:
> >Megan Waves wrote:
>
> >>This
>joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
> >>to be permanAnt.
>
>>>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)
>
> >You should know, Ms.
>*WAVES*! :-)
>
> A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never
>part.

Oh, comb on. Did they later give each other the brush-off?

May I cut in and add some color?

Arden - not Eve, the other one, no, not Elizabeth either

Ardens2989

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Feb 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/20/98
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In article <6cilbm$k...@bgtnsc01.worldnet.att.net>, po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve
P.) writes:

>Megan Waves wrote:
>pml <lavi...@dhc.net>

>>Doug Russell wrote:
>>>(Steve
>P.) wrote:
>>>>Megan Waves wrote:


>This joke sure droned on and on...I
>thought it was going
>to be permanAnt.
>(But I guess that's what their
>hairdressers do.)

>>>>You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)

>>>A barber
>and beautician married, vowing
>>>they'd never part.

>>Oh, comb on.
>>Did
>they later give each other the brush-off?

>They loved to curl up together,


>but their passion
>>came in streaks.

Oh, don't tease us that
>way!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Plans
>to slow everything down are gaining momentum.

Mousse you always talk that way?

pml

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Feb 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/20/98
to

Ardens2989 wrote:
>
> In article <34EC42...@dhc.net>, pml <lavi...@dhc.net> writes:
>
> >Doug Russell wrote:
> >
> > (Steve P.) wrote:
> > >Megan Waves wrote:
> >
> > >>This
> >joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
> > >>to be permanAnt.
> >
> >>>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)
> >
> > >You should know, Ms.
> >*WAVES*! :-)
> >
> > A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never
> >part.
>
> Oh, comb on. Did they later give each other the brush-off?
>
> May I cut in and add some color?

You must be dye-ing to do that.

pml

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Feb 20, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/20/98
to

peeby <p...@netspace.net.au> wrote in article
<pbh-ya023580002...@news.netspace.net.au>...
> sham-POO, Sorry I'm out in the bleachers with a cold.

You must have gone out without your Pantenes.

peeby

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Feb 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/21/98
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James D. Davis

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Feb 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/21/98
to

peeby <p...@netspace.net.au> wrote:

: sham-POO, Sorry I'm out in the bleachers with a cold.

I knew a girl who always had smelly hair after visiting a salon.
Whenever they offered to shampoo her hair, she said: "I don't want no
sham-poo! I want the real thing!"

Jim "How Offal" Davis

EHorvath35

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Feb 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/21/98
to

I hope she got the real thing, because Bobby wants to Pin her. I think she is a
tease that lives in a rats nest. did you know she has a permanent rod in her
back to keep her spine from curling? They couldn't iron it out. Did you know
she hangs out at the Bar-be-cide the salon?

Eileen

Jenni Saqua

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Feb 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/21/98
to

Melanie Aultman wrote:
> Doug Russell wrote:
> > (Steve P.) wrote:
> > >Megan Waves wrote:

> > >>This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
> > >>to be permanAnt.
> > >>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)
> >
> > >You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)
> >
> > A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never part.
> >

> > But then they divorced and she married a dentist. After
> some time they were fighting tooth and nail.

Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
Permanently?

Don Kirkman

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Feb 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/22/98
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It seems to me I heard somewhere that Ardens2989 wrote in article
<19980220053...@ladder03.news.aol.com>:

>In article <6cilbm$k...@bgtnsc01.worldnet.att.net>, po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve
>P.) writes:

>>Megan Waves wrote:
>>pml <lavi...@dhc.net>

>>>Doug Russell wrote:
>>>>(Steve
>>P.) wrote:
>>>>>Megan Waves wrote:

>>This joke sure droned on and on...I
>>thought it was going
>>to be permanAnt.
>>(But I guess that's what their
>>hairdressers do.)

>>>>>You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)

>>>>A barber
>>and beautician married, vowing
>>>>they'd never part.

>>>Oh, comb on.

>>>Did
>>they later give each other the brush-off?

>>They loved to curl up together,


>>but their passion
>>>came in streaks.

>Oh, don't tease us that way!

He can't help it - he's known friz barberous puns.
--
Don
new...@abac.com

Megan Waves

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Feb 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/23/98
to

Tired of the mountains of her native Peru, Angie the llama emigrated
to America. There, she got right into the spirit of free enterprise
and soon was operating a successful delicatessen. After a while, she
found herself getting bored with running a business, so she decided to
use some of her profits to sponsor a community band.
The band, too, was successful, and was kept busy with concerts and so
on. One evening, the band was playing the musical score for a
neighborhood theatrical production. The concert hall was packed.
Seeing the size of the crowd, a junkie decided this was a golden
opportunity and burglarized the box office.
As he tried to flee, he lost his balance and fell into the orchestra
pit, where he was caught on the horns of a deli llama.

**************************************************

Oscar the farmer was having a bad year. In the spring, floods had
destroyed much of his crop, and subsided too late to reseed. Now,
drought and insects were reducing his yield still further. It was
beginning to look like he wouldn't even grow enough food for his
family, let alone have a surplus to sell.
In desperation, he went to visit old man Plowright, who had been
farming in the valley since the glaciers left (it was rumored).
"Put wormwood in the fireplace", advised Mr. Plowright.
So, Oscar went home, thoroughly puzzled. However, he did as he was
told.
The next morning, he and his family were greeted by a fireplace full
of corn and cabbages and asparagus and all sorts of vegetables. After
they had eaten their fill, Oscar sat dejectedly. "What's the matter?",
asked his wife, "we haven't had so much food in months."
"Some farmer I am," Oscar said sadly. "I should have figured out for
myself that absinthe makes the hearth grow fodder."

Don Kirkman

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Feb 25, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/25/98
to

It seems to me I heard somewhere that Megan Waves wrote in article
<34fef371...@news.netbistro.com>:

>Tired of the mountains of her native Peru, Angie the llama emigrated
>to America. There, she got right into the spirit of free enterprise
>and soon was operating a successful delicatessen. After a while, she
>found herself getting bored with running a business, so she decided to
>use some of her profits to sponsor a community band.
>The band, too, was successful, and was kept busy with concerts and so
>on. One evening, the band was playing the musical score for a
>neighborhood theatrical production. The concert hall was packed.
>Seeing the size of the crowd, a junkie decided this was a golden
>opportunity and burglarized the box office.
>As he tried to flee, he lost his balance and fell into the orchestra
>pit, where he was caught on the horns of a deli llama.

Reminds me of the traveler who went to India to learn meditation. He
was especially interested in learning to rest on the traditional bed of
nails. Somehow he couldn't quite do it, so he sought advice from the
visiting Tibetan monk (who was also a musician), who was holding
seminars in Delhi. The monk told the traveler that he needed to start
with something simpler and work up to the bed of nails. The guru
suggested finding locating something hard and lumpy and spreading a
pallet over it. If that worked all right, he would be ready to move on
to the next stage of his spiritual journey. The traveler got his
bedding, but had a hard time finding something hard and lumpy as the
monk has suggested. Finally he came across the room where the monk had
his musical instruments laid out on the floor. Seeing the trumpets,
trombones, and sousaphones, the traveller realized how hard and lumpy
they were! He quickly spread his pallet across them, and could hardly
wait for evening to come to try everything out.
As he left the room, he met the monk, who naturally said, "It looks to
me like your cot on the horns of a Delhi lama."
--
Don
new...@abac.com

Nobody

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Feb 26, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/26/98
to

po...@worldnet.att.net (Steve P.) wrote...
>
<snip>
>
>One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics
>was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. At first
>I couldn't believe my eyes but then I realized he was just
>an obstacle Aleutian.


When he returned home his wife tearfully informed him that his pet polar
bear had gone missing. Distraught, he hunted high and low (mostly low,
on ice floes) to no avail. Couldn't find the baby bear anywhere.

Several days later whilst out fishing, far from home, he happened upon
a large iceberg. High up a steep cliff on the iceberg he spied a cave
entrance. Carefully he climbed the cliff and in the farthest corner of
the cave, found a deep crevice. Sure enough, thirty meters down, wedged
between jagged pieces of ice, he spied a tiny furry bundle, whimpering
pitifully, .

Realizing he would need ropes and help to retrieve the bear, the Eskimo
hastened back to his village. Next day, equipped with ropes, poles, and
accompanied by all his friends and relatives, he trekked back to the
iceberg. There, they began the laborious task of extracting the still
whimpering bundle from it's precarious location, deep in the icy chasm.
All day and into the night, they labored, until finally the tiny
(now ominously silent) bundle was inched to the surface.

Overcome with emotion and filled with apprehension, the Eskimo forced
himself to pick up the tiny lifeless object, whereupon he realized


that it was a wrong numb bear.


Megan Waves

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Feb 27, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/27/98
to

There was a woman who lived down the block from us when I was growing
up, who was always knitting. When she went out visiting, she always
had her needles and yarn with her in a bag.
On our way home from school, she would sometimes invite us in for
cookies and milk. Her house was full of wool in all colors and
weights; stacked here and there and everywhere.
There were a lot of robberies in the neighborhood. None of us kids
suspected the woman because she was always nice to us.
One day, the police came with a search warrant. It didn't take them
long to find the stolen property, because her booty was only skein
deep.

Nobody

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Feb 27, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/27/98
to

r...@netbistro.com (Megan Waves) wrote...
:
:There was a woman who lived down the block from us when I was growing

Who would have thought that she was just a pretty fleece?


CCH...@musicb.mcgill.ca

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Feb 27, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/27/98
to

I had breakfast at a resturant owned by Tina and Marjorie. They
asked me how I would like my eggs. They only had scrambled eggs
prepared - nothing else. So I said:

"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina".


David Birch

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Mar 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/3/98
to

Then there is the story of an island, inhabited by a very prolific
people called Trids. They were concerned about limited living space as
a result and the only place that they could move to was on the other
side of the island. The only problem was that a troll lived on that
part of the island and he wouldn't even talk to the Trids. The leader
of the Trids kept sending his ambassador to the Troll's cave, but the
Troll just kept kicking the Trid out. Finally the head Trid sent 10
trids and a Rabbi. The troll promptly kicked out the trids, but left
the Rabbi alone. When asked why he kicked out the trids and not the
Rabbi, the troll replied "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."


Doug Russell

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Mar 4, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/4/98
to

po...@att.net (Steve P.) wrote:

<snip>
>Typical Gnu and Tiler Too.
<snip>

Before the Lone Ranger found his sidekick, Tonto, he had another
Indian for a companion, who loved people, but was too shy to speak.
To compensate, every chance he got, he'd open a window, lean out and
wave enthusiastically to the people passing by outside. The Lone
Ranger nicknamed him "Waver," and people throughout the Wild West knew
him by that name. Waver had one big phobia, that came on after he
fell out of a second-story window that did not have a window-sill.
He was terrified of leaning out of a window to wave, unless it did
have a good, strong sill. Since few windows in those days were built
that way, the Lone Ranger was always on the lookout for one. Whenever
he and his sidekick were riding through a strange town, as soon as
he'd spot one he'd yell, "Hi, Ho Waver, a Sill!"


ra...@connectsystems.com

unread,
Mar 4, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/4/98
to

In article <6djekc$j...@nntp02.primenet.com>,
After riding off to the hills, Lone Ranger met Roy Rogers who had just shot
a polecat that had eaten his new snakeskin boots. He said: "Pardon me Roy, is
that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
>


-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading

Don Kirkman

unread,
Mar 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/5/98
to

It seems to me I heard somewhere that Jenni Saqua wrote in article
<34EFD5...@saclink.csus.edu>:

>Melanie Aultman wrote:
>> Doug Russell wrote:
>> > (Steve P.) wrote:
>> > >Megan Waves wrote:

>> > >>This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
>> > >>to be permanAnt.
>> > >>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)

>> > >You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)

>> > A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never part.

>> > But then they divorced and she married a dentist. After


>> some time they were fighting tooth and nail.

>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>Permanently?

I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
--
Don
new...@abac.com

Marcel LeBlanc

unread,
Mar 6, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/6/98
to

Don Kirkman wrote in message <351013c2...@news1.abac.com>...

>It seems to me I heard somewhere that Jenni Saqua wrote in article
><34EFD5...@saclink.csus.edu>:
>
>>Melanie Aultman wrote:
>>> Doug Russell wrote:
>>> > (Steve P.) wrote:
>>> > >Megan Waves wrote:
>
<SNIP>

>
>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>>Permanently?
>
>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
>--


To him it felt like a kick in the bun.

A net improvement for her.

Otherwise she tought she'd curl up and dye.

--
--Marcel LeBlanc -- mar...@nospam.montrealnet.net --
This opinion is entirely personal, and until proven wrong: it's the truth!
If you are in trouble and are still smiling, then you have someone in mind
to blame
___________________________


Ardens2989

unread,
Mar 6, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/6/98
to

In article <351013c2...@news1.abac.com>, new...@abac.com (Don Kirkman)
writes:

>It seems to me I heard somewhere that Jenni Saqua wrote in article
><34EFD5...@saclink.csus.edu>:
>
>>Melanie Aultman wrote:
>>> Doug Russell wrote:
>>> > (Steve P.) wrote:
>>> > >Megan Waves wrote:
>

>>> > >>This joke sure droned on and on...I thought it was going
>>> > >>to be permanAnt.
>>> > >>(But I guess that's what their hairdressers do.)
>
>>> > >You should know, Ms. *WAVES*! :-)
>
>>> > A barber and beautician married, vowing they'd never part.
>
>>> > But then they divorced and she married a dentist. After
>>> some time they were fighting tooth and nail.
>

>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>>Permanently?
>
>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
>--

>Don
>new...@abac.com
>
>
Sheesh! It's enough to make you curl up and dye

Ardens2989

unread,
Mar 6, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/6/98
to

* WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN... *
______________________________

The Yoko Club?...Oh no.

The German philosophy club?... I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?... Pardon me?

The Arafat club? ...Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club? ...Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? ...Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? ...You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? Never. ...Never.

The Japanese theater club? ...Noh.

The quarterback club? ...I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club? ...I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? ...Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? ...Si.


The anti-perspirant club? ...Sure.

The pregnancy club? ...Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club? ...Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders? ...They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? ...Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club? ...Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? ...God willing!

J Walradt

unread,
Mar 6, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/6/98
to

Ardens2989 wrote in message
<19980306063...@ladder02.news.aol.com>...

>Arden - not Eve, the other one, no, not Elizabeth either
>

Hey, put some peppermint and spearmint extracts into your perm and you'll
have a permamint! Wa-hey!

Doug Russell

unread,
Mar 7, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/7/98
to

"Marcel LeBlanc" wrote:
>Don Kirkman wrote

>> Jenni Saqua wrote in article
>>>Melanie Aultman wrote:

>>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>>>Permanently?
>>
>>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
>>--

>To him it felt like a kick in the bun.
>A net improvement for her.
>Otherwise she tought she'd curl up and dye.

These sound like lines from Mister Ed--pony tales.

Megan Waves

unread,
Mar 7, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/7/98
to

Alcoholics Anonymous? ...I'll drink to that!

Punsters Anonymous? ...I'll enjoin you shortly

Crimestoppers? .... Sure, what's the holdup at your end?

Bobby Tendinitis

unread,
Mar 7, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/7/98
to

I was, like, "No way!", and r...@netbistro.com (Megan Waves) was all:

$ On 6 Mar 1998 20:37:29 GMT, arden...@aol.com (Ardens2989) wrote:
$
$ >* WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN... *
$ >______________________________
$ >
$ >The Yoko Club?...Oh no.
$ >
$ >The German philosophy club?... I. Kant.
$ >
$ >The Ford-Nixon club?... Pardon me?
$ >
$ >The Arafat club? ...Yessir.
$ >
$ >The Alzheimer's club? ...Forget it.
$ >
$ >The Ebert movie club? ...Roger.
$ >
$ >The Groucho Marx club? ...You bet your life.
$ >
$ >The Peter Pan club? Never. ...Never.
$ >
$ >The Japanese theater club? ...Noh.
$ >
$ >The quarterback club? ...I'll pass.
$ >
$ >The Rhett Butler club? ...I don't give a damn.
$ >
$ >The compulsive rhymers club? ...Okey-dokey.
$ >
$ >The Spanish optometrists club? ...Si.
$ >
$ >
$ >The anti-perspirant club? ...Sure.
$ >
$ >The pregnancy club? ...Conceivably.
$ >
$ >The Procrastinator's Club? ...Maybe next week
$ >
$ >The Self Esteem Builders? ...They wouldn't accept me anyway
$ >
$ >The Agoraphobics Society? ...Only if they meet at my house
$ >
$ >The Co-Dependence Club? ...Can I bring a friend?
$ >
$ >The Prayer Group? ...God willing!
$
$ Alcoholics Anonymous? ...I'll drink to that!
$
$ Punsters Anonymous? ...I'll enjoin you shortly
$
$ Crimestoppers? .... Sure, what's the holdup at your end?

The Socialists Club? .... Only if you have good Marx!


\|/
- o - Bobby Tendinitis | mhm21x18
/|\ orqjnez @ jvyuryc.pbz
| http://queeg.resnet.wisc.edu/bedwarm
/ \ ------------------------------------
/ 3 \ "You let me know when your life gets
/_____\ too real..........................."

Don Kirkman

unread,
Mar 8, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/8/98
to

It seems to me I heard somewhere that Doug Russell wrote in article
<6dr4nd$e...@nntp02.primenet.com>:

>"Marcel LeBlanc" wrote:
>>Don Kirkman wrote
>>> Jenni Saqua wrote in article
>>>>Melanie Aultman wrote:

>>>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>>>>Permanently?

>>>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.

>>To him it felt like a kick in the bun.


>>A net improvement for her.
>>Otherwise she tought she'd curl up and dye.

>These sound like lines from Mister Ed--pony tales.

I just thought they were a little bit snoody.
--
Don
new...@abac.com

Hauke Reddmann

unread,
Mar 9, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/9/98
to

Bobby Tendinitis (bed...@SPAMBLOCK.geocities.com) wrote:
:
: The Socialists Club? .... Only if you have good Marx!
:
The Edgar Allen Poe Club? Nevermore!
The Horseriding Club? Neigh!
The Boring Rock Supergroup Club? Yes!
The Electricians Club? Aw shucks!
The AOL Club? ME TOO!
--
Hauke Reddmann <:-EX8 BRANDNEW,IMPROVED SIG!
Send all spam to bug...@thee.off
Send all personal e-mail to fc3...@math.uni-hamburg.de
Send all e-mail for our chemistry workgroup to fc3...@uni-hamburg.de

Ovidiu Cristea

unread,
Mar 11, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/11/98
to

> >>>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
> >>>>Permanently?
>
> >>>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
>
> >>To him it felt like a kick in the bun.
> >>A net improvement for her.
> >>Otherwise she tought she'd curl up and dye.
>
> >These sound like lines from Mister Ed--pony tales.
>
> I just thought they were a little bit snoody.

It's because they tried to be head and shoulders above the rest.

_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/

Ovidiu Cristea
Student in Computer Science (Pre-med.),
University of California, Davis.
E-mail: ogcr...@ucdavis.edu
Website: http://www.cristea.com

_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/


I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be "happy."
I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible,
to be compassionate. It is above all, to matter, to count,
to stand for something; to have made some difference
that you lived at all.

Leo Rosten

Dianagramr

unread,
Mar 14, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/14/98
to

>Sheesh! It's enough to make you curl up and dye

rofl :)

great stuff....

your comedy roots are showing!!!!

diana...@aol.com


Dianagramr

unread,
Mar 14, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/14/98
to

>Subject: Re: HairDo's and Don'ts
>From: new...@abac.com (Don Kirkman)
>Date: Sat, Mar 7, 1998 20:12 EST
>Message-id: <350bebda...@news1.abac.com>

>
>It seems to me I heard somewhere that Doug Russell wrote in article
><6dr4nd$e...@nntp02.primenet.com>:
>
>>"Marcel LeBlanc" wrote:
>>>Don Kirkman wrote
>>>> Jenni Saqua wrote in article
>>>>>Melanie Aultman wrote:
>
>>>>>Man,icured them of any romantic lotions for each other, right?
>>>>>Permanently?
>
>>>>I hope it didn't leave them dis-tressed.
>
>>>To him it felt like a kick in the bun.
>>>A net improvement for her.
>>>Otherwise she tought she'd curl up and dye.
>
>>These sound like lines from Mister Ed--pony tales.
>
>I just thought they were a little bit snoody.
>--
>Don
>new...@abac.com
---------------------------
On a slightly tangential topic:

I think Dick Vitale can add "dandruff dandy" to his verbal repertoire....you
know, a player who is "head and shoulders"
above the rest?


>


Stephen S. Gottlieb

unread,
Mar 14, 1998, 3:00:00 AM3/14/98
to

Once and for all, can we follicle this off?

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