Puns of the Weak 10-31-03 Part 1 The Halloween Puns
Stan Kegel
THE HALLOWEEN PUNS
Children love being frightened -- a good scare sends them into gales of
laughter. This phenomenon has been known since biblical times, as
demonstrated by the proverb, "The eek! shall inherit the mirth." (Don Hauptman)
All the donors are now nervous wrecks
At the blood bank, where vampires perplex.
And Count Dracula jokes
When he queries the folks,
For example, the question, "Whose necks?"
(Kirk Miller)
I don't go to blood banks a lot
But if he's been properly taught
When Dracula drains
The blood from your veins
I'm sure he would say "Fangs alot"
(Gary Hallock)
When asked why he'd, all night, remained
At blood bank, the vampire explained
"I've so much at stake
I can't get a break
By morning I'm feeling quite drained"
(Gary Hallock)
The mummy was looking quite dapper
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper
'Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hum
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!"
(Clynch Varnadore)
What happened to the witch that went to school?
She was ex-spelled. (Natali, 9)
What is a vampire's favorite type of fruit?
A nectarine! (Joke Center)
Why do skeletons not play music in the church?
Because they have no organs! (Venkat, 11)
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while. (Trevor Bane)
What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft. (Trevor Bane)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts. (Trinitty)
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A blood hound. (Jokes Central)
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck. (Trinitty)
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror. (Jokes Central)
What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice (Gary Hallock)
:What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks! (Bruce)
What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy. (Joke Centrer)
How do you picture yourself flying on the moon.
By witchful thinking! (Bree Schultz)
What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy?
A gauza stripper (Gary Hallock)
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on (C. C. Jokes)
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers. (Clynch Varnadore) •
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.(Lederer & Swanson)
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line. (Trinitty)
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap! (Julio, 11)
What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream. ( Trinitty)
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray. (Clynch Varnadore)
Who did the vampire fall in love with?
The girl necks door! (Scream Laffs)
Why does a witch ride a broom?
The cord on the vacuum cleaner is never long enough. (Archives)
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite. (Lee Hogan).
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling! (Trevor Bane)
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." (Trevor Bane)
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up. (Jokes Central)
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape. (Jokes Central)
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one. (Jokes Central)
A ghost walks into a bar and asks, “Do you serve spirits here?” (Frank
Stewart)
Why does a witch wear a black pointed hat?
To keep her head warm. (Jokes Central)
What is the best thing about a hotel for witches?
It has great broom service (Daily Groaner)
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat. (Jokes Central)
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!" (Jokes Central)
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out (Trevor Bane)
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi (Daily Groaner)
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it! (Bruce)
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle! (Jokes Central)
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (Jokes Central)
Why is the witch like a candle?
They are both wicked. (Jokes Central)
Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up. (Jokes Central)
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (Jokes Central)
Why didn't the Jack-O-Lantern go to the dance?
He wasn't lit and didn't have a match. (Bree Schultz)
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer. (Jokes Central)
Why did Dracula fire his chauffeur?
He drove him batty. (Gary Hallock)
How was Cleopatra burned?
On a vamp pyre. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank (Bill Stubbins)
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle (Trevor Bane).
What happens when you cross a witch and a clown?
A brew ha-ha! (Jessica, 8 )
Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type. (Joke of the Day)
What kind of car does Dracula drive?
The bloodmobile. (Joke of the Day)
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs. (Joke of the Day)
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone. (The Daily Giggle)
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with. (The Daily Giggle)
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack (The Daily Giggle)
What's a ghost's favorite lunch meat?
Boo-loney! (Matt, 12)
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed. (The Daily Giggle)
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell (Trevor Bane)
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it! (Bruce)
What song do monsters sing at- Christmas time?
"Deck the halls with poison ivy, Fal-la la, la-la . . . " (Kids Jokes)
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch. (Archives)
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome. (Stan Kegel)
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back. (Archives)
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom. (Paul Croft)
What do witches put in their hair?
Scare Spray (Bryce, 8)
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos. (Paul Croft)
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops! (Paul Croft)
Where does a ghost go to get a milk shake?
To an I scream parlor. (Sydney, 9)
Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift
ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find
costumes but but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues. One
wore the top half and one one wore the bottom half. What did were they?
An upper and lower GI. (Joke Center)
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat
out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly,
"ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You
mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his
convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis
life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied
Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover." (Sandy Sibert)
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of
smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato
salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush
him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet
the Vampire Slayer!" (Scream Laffs)
What do you call it when a psychiatrist convenes a bunch of mentally and
emotionally disturbed patients, with the treatment consisting of oneon-one
grabbing and gazing intently into each other's eyes? Grope stare-apy.
(Tyler Kaus)
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well
dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he's
dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he
takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank You." (Sandy
Sibert)
A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he
got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending
not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept
walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". T That did it. He took off
full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he
stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he
could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.
(Archives)