Puns of the Weak 02-21-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
CIA Director George Tenet said Wednesday North Korea can reach the West
Coast with nuclear-tipped missiles. In case of an attack, people in Los
Angeles are instructed to take shelter at Universal Studios. They
haven't had a hit in decades. (Argus Hamilton)
At next month’s Academy Awards presentation, France will be getting a
special Oscar for Best Performance in a Non-Supporting Role. (Argus Hamilton)
Spring training has begun for Major League Baseball. Players get to run
in the warm sun while others remain frozen. New Yorkers, Bostonians, Ted
Williams. (Alan Ray)
William Rosenberg, the food franchising pioneer who founded the Dunkin'
Donuts chain has died. He was 86. They say his eyes just glazed over.
(Jay Leno)
HOLIDAY PUNS
George"s salary as prez was so paltry that his wife took in laundry on
the side for extra revenue. The sign on the door said, "MARTHA. WASHING
DONE." (Cynthia MacGregor)
I was going to give my girl one of those heart balloons for Valentine's
Day. But she said she didn't want an angioplasty. (Mike Wheeler)
JEST FOR KIDS
What did George Washington have in common with a hen?
They were both trying to hatchet. (Cynthia MacGregor)
How do sailors greet each other?
“Long time, no sea!” (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
"You have a lot of appeal." (Kid's Jokes)
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A hoarse doctor. (Bob Phillips)
What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?
He retired it. (Daily Groaner)
Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet. (Daily Groaner)
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children have to play inside. (Miguel, 9)
What kind of food do turtles hate?
Fast food (Irene, 8)
Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack. (Bob Phillips)
What did the jack say to the car?
"Can I give you a lift?" (Kid's Jokes)
What did one bucket say to the other bucket?
You look rather pail today! (Corny Puns)
Two guys were talking about a dog with no nose.
"How does he smell?" asked one.
The other replied, "Awful." (Lederer & Ertner)
How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and they are washed ashore. (Mighty Funnies:
Betty Debnam)
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand store. (Ryan, 9)
What is unique about a canine scale?
It can be weighed only in dog pounds. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call your mother's other sister?
Deodorant (the other aunt).(Rachel, 12)
What would happen to a girl who stays in bed all day and eats nothing
but yeast and car wax?
Eventually she will rise and shine. (Archives)
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a long trip?
"Bison!" ("Bye, son!") (Kid's Jokes)
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something. (Bob Phillips)
Why did the tomato turn red?
She saw the salad dressing. (Sarah)
Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
Because they can see right through you. (Pun of the Day)
Why did the angry lady put a firecracker under her pancakes?
She wanted to blow her stack. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What did the boy firefly say to the girl firefly?
`I glow for you. " (Kid's Jokes)
What did one earthquake say to the other?
It's not my fault. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the little computer go to the orthodontist?
To improve its byte. (Stan Kegel)
How do alligators make phone calls?
They croco-dial (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
How do fireflies start a race?
Ready, Set, Glow! (Luke, 10)
Is your refrigerator running?
It is? Well, you'd better go and catch it! (Bob, 10)
What gets harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath. (The Daily Riddle)
If you put three ducks in a carton, what do you get?
A box of quackers. (Irene, 7)
How do cowboys mix the sugar in their coffee?
With a stirrup, of course!. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you call a grizzly half buried in a snow bank?
A bear mid-drift (Daily Groaner)
Why does a dog get so hot in the summer?
Because he wears a coat and pants. (Lederer & Ertner)
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I’ll deal with you later. (Brandon)
How can you keep a barking dog quiet?
With hush puppies. (Randi, 8)
Why did the mosquito go to the dentist ?
To improve his bite (Liz, 5)
What is a spiders favourite TV show ?
The newly web game ! (Allen, 7)
What becomes of most love triangles?
They turn into wreck-tangles. (Bob Phillips)
What is the difference between the sun and bred?
The sun rises from the east and the bread rises from the yeast.
(Kimberly, 110)
Why didn’t horses like Theodore Roosevelt?
Because he was a Rough Rider. (Olimpiamaria, 10)
What do you call a bee born in May?
A maybe. (Lila, 7)
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children have to play inside. (Miguel, 9)
What did the boy gopher say to the girl gopher?
"I gopher (go for) you." (Kid's Jokes)
'What trousers have no pockets?
A dog's pants. (Lederer & Ertner)
How do sailors break up with their girl friends?
They drift apart. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
Which side of a bird has the most feathers?
The outside! (Phillip, 12)
What do bees say in summer?
Swarm (Knight Craft)
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer.
The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells. (Daily Riddle)
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth. (Paul Cooper)
Is Stalin's tomb a communist plot? (Pastor Tim)
If Whoopi Goldburg married Peter Cushion she would be Whoopi Cushion. (Colin)
RIDDLES
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped. (Gag-O-Matic)
Did you hear about the dog that graduated from obedience school?
He received a barkalaureate degree. (Lederer & Ertner)
What movie and song hit was about the use of Marijuana to control the
itching of scabies?
The High and Mite-y (Stan Kegel)
Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
The majority of them can't pass the bar! (Jokes Galore)
How does a male cow proceed down a steep slope?
He tum-bulls (Cynthia MacGregor)
What are you, if you are sans attire and feeling really depressed?
Nude Indigo (Alan B. Combs)
During his lean years before his Broadway success, Rex Harrison was
forced to drive a taxi for a living. What did he say to all his women passengers?
He said, "My fare, lady?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Among the treasures found in Tutankhamen's tomb were well-preserved jars
of barbecue sauce obviously made with pieces of citrus fruit. This
discovery was immortalized in what classic poem?
The Rind in the Ancient Marinade (Stan Kegel)
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd
stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being
charged with what?
In-cider trading (Gary Hallock)
COMICS
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
“Satchel touched my blankee. You’ll have to wash it.” “It’ll have to
wait. You can’t put it in with my dress shirts.” “Why?” “Because you
have to separate the whites and colors.” ‘Separate the whites and
colors’? What are you? Some kind of laundry racist.” (Get Fuzzy: Darby Conley)
Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie.
“There is a big political debate at Town Hall tonight.” “Expect hot
winds all evening.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“Shouldn’t linguistics be the study of eating linguini?” (Willy ‘n
Ethel: Joe Martin)
“What’s bigamy?” “Having one wife too many.” “Then what’s monogamy?”
“Same thing.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Don’t give in church. Be good for nothing (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie. “A key
witness at a murder trial couldn’t recall much.” “It was a hazy day at
the courthouse.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Minister to congregant: “I don’t need to look it up. I’m positive that
being born again doesn’t get you a new horoscope.” (Pardon My Planet:
Vic Lee)
Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie. “Proud
parents of a Little Leaguer watched their boy toss a no-hitter.” “The
son shone brightly today. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Is that a pair of shorts floating by. Oh, oh, just as I feared. We’re in
the Bermuda Triangle. (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)
Guide at student field trip to museum: “This painting is by the
impressionist, Vincent Van Gogh!” Bus driver: Speaking of Van Gogh, if
you’re not on the bus in 15 minutes, I’m leaving without you.”
(Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers)
“Mr. Uhrmann, where is the republic of peristalsis?” “On the banks of
the alimentary canal.” “He actually got me to look in the atlas for the
islets of Langerhans!” “You’re the one who had to mess with a substitute
teacher.” (Frazz: Jeff Mallett)
ONE-LINERS:
How is an adolescent living among wolves like chewing gum?
He is a den teen. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The Ebonics professor was asked why he didn't care for the author of
"Charlotte's Web." He replied, "E.B.White." (Gary Hallock)
In court there was a deaf defendant who waived his hearing. (Pun of the Day)
Sign in real estate office window: Get lots while you are young!
(Douglas Helsel)
Lamb stew is much ado about mutton (Stan Kegel)
He liked horror movies as a child but then he gruesome. (Pun of the Day)
On her visit to England, my neighbor told me, there was a terrible
plague of toads. They were hopping everywhere, jumping out of storm
sewers, thronging the streets--it was amazing. Truly a froggy day in
London town. (Cynthia MacGregor)
A female espionage agent spent a mint having a secret camera built into
her bra because she wanted to have a photographic mammary! (Johann von
Haupkopf)
I need some new shocks for my meat truck. The ride is getting to be a
bit jerky. (Daniel Riehs)
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. (Michael Balarama)
What do you call a fellow who can shoot a deer equally well with his
right or left hand?
Bambidextrous (Cynthia MacGregor)
The sign on the crosswalk outside of the bakery said, "Donut walk."
(Gary Hallock)
You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic. But where is the proof?
(Stan Kegel)
A Tug-O-War between farm vehicles draws a huge crowd. "See?" said the
farmer, "I knew it would a tractor tension!" (Johann von Haupkopf)
The library had a book called 'wiring your house for electricity', but
it was a shocking failure. (Mike Bull)
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning. (Gail S. Angel)
Thin people of the world unite. We've got nothing to lose. (Venkatesh/
Very Punny)
When his wife asked for wooden walls in the basement, they had a panel
discussion. (Pun of the Day)
Schizophrenia beats being alone. (Douglas Helsel)
To most modern writers, sex is a novel idea. (Playboy)
Did you hear about the diminutive criminal from Ireland who contracted
Hansen's disease? He was a leper con. He's already lost several fingers,
but with any luck each arm won't fall off. (Gary Hallock)
I asked the basketball player from Indiana: "Whooser coach?"(Stan Kegel)
I did not want to spill jelly on my mattress. It was too hot to sleep
with a bed spread. (Daniel Riehs)
When artists dream in color it's a pigment of their imagination (Pun of
the Day)
The library had an unusual medical book with no appendix. (Mike Bull)
Husband's note on refrigerator to wife: "Someone from the Guyna Colleges
called. They said the Pabst Beer is normal. I didn't know you liked
beer." (Pastor Tim)
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking? (E4Fun)
When one buzzard rudely interrupted another in the midst of his meal,
what did he say?
He said, "Carry on!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
I hate to exercise vigorously so I signed up for a low-impact aerobics
class. At first I thought it would be easy, no sweat. As you can
imagine, it isn't really working out, so I'm pretty happy. (Gary Hallock)
When a Parisian falls off a bridge, he goes in Seine?(Stan Kegel)
When two single people who have been given power of attorney over
several prominent citizens—but cannot currently remember their gambling
losses for the 2001 fiscal year—meet, they have no choice but to proxy
mate. (The Big Pun)
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the
past perfect. (Douglas Helsel)
A cathedral was damaged by weapons of mass destruction. (Pun of the Day)
George Washington Carver: The man who performed the autopsy on the first
President of the U. S. A. (Scot Nelson)
The ne'er-do-well ended up on the shady side of the family tree.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack,
don't yell out “Hi, Jack!” (Mike Bull)
Americans are people who insist on living in the present tense.
(Playboy)
To spot a glacier, you have to have good ice sight. (Pun of the Day)
GROANERS:
Beau Bridges took a meterology course in which the instructor was
describing how hail is formed -- much higher than the usual rain clouds.
When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, "Somewhere
over the rain, Beau." (Alan B. Combs)
My husband, Jim was trying to fix our carousel CD player. For some
reason it would not release any of the CDs after pressing the button.
Jim said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it and I said I know
exactly what's wrong. It suffers from ejectile dysk-function. ( Tiff Wimberly)
The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George
had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was
always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six-pack of beer, pick-pocketing,
breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with
the loot still on him. Before sentencing George, the judge decided to
try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly
ashamed of yourself." he told George. George answered, "No man should be
ashamed of his convictions." (Stan Kegel)
Our neighbor openly complained about our remodeling project. A new
second-story window with a view of her patio was the last straw. A year
later she still ignores my wave as she drives by. I mentioned this to my
husband. "Honey," he commented," "you've been the victim of a drive-by
snooting." (Karen Sweet)
A rancher named Herb Gardner was tending to his fence mending one day
and discovered that some of the young local deer seemed to be grazing
almost exclusively on a specific weed that sported pairs of small
elliptical leaves. When he returned home he noticed that the rear sole
of his boot had become separated and inadvertently collected a sample of
the curious plant. Herb grabbed his handy botanical reference book to
see if he could identify what plant it was that was so attractive to
young deer. After he perused the pages for a moment, Herb reached down
and pulled off his boot and spoke directly to the separated sole. "You
picked a 'fawn thyme two-leaf,' me loose heel." (Gary Hallock)
John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got
her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had
identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John
wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed
Oddity". (Bill Brabant)
Laura: "Whatcha working on, Sweetheart?"
Adam: "A newsletter for an association of funeral homes."
Laura: "They have newsletters?"
Adam: "Sure! Morticians belong to organizations just like everyone else."
Laura: "And I thought it was a dying craft."
Adam: "On the contrary, competition gets stiffer all the time." (Brian Basset)
In a recent visit to San Diego's Balboa Park, I came across young man
entertaing a crowd, playing the guitar and singing. The most
interesting part of his performance was that he was without arms,
barefoot, and was playing the guitar with his toes.
Me to friend: "He looks like an 'armless sort of chap."
Friend: "Aren't you being off handed."
Me:"I'm just trying to be disarming." (By Sally Rosoff)
When a husband and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, it
was crowded. The wife went up to the hostess and asked, 'Will it be
long?' The hostess, appeared to be ignoring the wife, but kept writing
in her book. So, I asked again, 'How much of a wait?' The woman hostess
then looked up and said , 'About ten minutes.' A short time later, we
heard an announcement over the loud speaker, 'Willete B. Long, your
table is ready!' (Syman Hirsch)
Last year when the big quake hit the L.A. area, part of the damage
included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state. When he put in the claim to his insurance company,
they rejected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the
Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-fault policy.
After loosing out this way, the policyholder tried to start a citizen's
organization to fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He
called it the San Andreas Fund. However nothing came of it, hardly
anyone contributed to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling
was that charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault (Archives)
.
As you know, Microsoft makes a program called "Works". What you didn't
know was that a few years ago a Christian group got together and created
a similar package called "Grace". The program failed to produce adequate
sales and was discontinued. Critics blamed the advertising slogan. Their
advertising slogan? "Not by Works, but by Grace shall ye be saved."
(Clynch Vernadore)
Sylvester Stalone wanted to make yet another sequel in his famous series
of pictures featuring the disgruntled macho soldier. Unfortunately for
him, several of the financial backers who had bankrolled his previous
films had moved on to other projects. Yes, some were over thee, Rambo.
(Gary Hallock)
In California, where the ground can resemble Jello, a trembler hit, and
everybody in an office supply store took cover. The packages of paper
quivered like leaves, all but one, which was wedged in so tightly that
it, and it alone, didn't shake. Thinking it looked like a safe place to
be, employee Donnie took shelter beside it, ducking to avoid the falling
plaster. When the quake was over, and the store manager started counting
heads, he asked, "Where's Donnie?" To which one of the other employees
replied, "Down by the old still ream." (Cynthia MacGregor)
I am reminded so many bad things start with the phrase, "I am
reminded..." Nevertheless, I am reminded of the unfortunate Japanese lad
in Yokohoma who was working on a roof. He dropped a tile on his hand,
leaving a significant portion of epidermis behind. Then in his
excitement, he kicked the ladder down and had to descend very carefully,
hand over hand, clinging on to a gutter downpipe. Local wags created a
song about this misadventure, "Yokohoma, where the skinned comes
creeping down the drain." (By Alan B. Combs)
John Lennon's widow decided to exhibit some extremely erotic, some might
even say pornographic, photographs she had taken. The pictures depicted
various combinations of naked men and women posed in rather interesting
and physically adroit positions. Of course, the photos were mounted (pun
intended) in frames, some with matting and all of them covered with
non-reflective glass so they would display well. A newspaper headline
appeared over a show review the next day that read "Yoko Ono, where the
sin comes right behind the pane." (by Bob Levi)
A few years ago at a high school reunion the name of a classmate came up
and the story of what had happened to him a few years before was told.
It seems that a flash fire had broken out in his home in the middle of
the night and spread so quickly the his girlfriend was killed and he was
badly injured. A shocking story, but out of my mouth, unbidden I swear,
came "Does he still refer to her as his old flame?" (By Sally Rosoff)
Being told by his father that he must enter the 4H pet contest, little
Johnny entered his pig, "Tricky". Unfortunately this animal's only
attribute was being able to sniff out Johnny's sister, May. Despite this
the pig won. No matter where the judges hid May, the pig found her -
even in a locked safe! Thinking there was some foul play, Johnny was
asked how the pig could do it. Johnny answered, "Trichinosis!" (J. A. Mc.)
Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one
of the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of
Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for
over a thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people
could not believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to
the public explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to
believe the proof. For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova
matter? (Author Unknown)
A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to
cook.Things really got bad the night that the husband fished a piece of
paper out of what was supposed to be a stew. He unfolded the paper and
read, "Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to the North-west died away."
Waving the soggy scrap, he demanded, "What the heck is, this?" "Well,"
the young wife replied, îthe reclpe said that if the stew was too thin
I should add Browning.” (Adrian Stapleton)
DEFINITIONS:
Chafing Dish: A girl who has been stood up on a date (Playboy)
Horizon: Callgirl getting up in the morning. (Lexicon)
Exporter: Someone who used to work on trains (Stan Kegel)
Will: A dead giveaway. (Michael Balarama)
Beatnik: Santa Claus the day after Christmas. (Playboy)
Hormone: A whiney noise made by a prostitute during work. (Stan Kegel)
Fireproof: The boss' relatives. (Lexicon)
Allege: A high rock shelf (E4Fun)
Hymen: A greeting to male companions. (Lexicon)
Silver Nitrate: A rental fee for the Lone Ranger's horse after dark.
(Lederer & Ertner)
Drive-in Movie: Wall-to-wall car-petting. (Playboy)
Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968. (Lexicon)
Felicity: A town inhabited by cats. (Stan Kegel)
Shampoo: A fake bear. (Lederer & Ertner)
Exchequer: A retired supermarket employee.(Lexicon)
Idolize: Eyes on a religious statue. (Stan Kegel)
Jitterbug: A nervous insect. (Lederer & Ertner
POETRY
There once was a man of Ceylon
Who had forty jars of Dijon
When asked, "If you please,
Sir, are you Ceylonese?"
He cried, "I sell nothing. Be gone!" (Graham Lester)
'Twas a poet named William at birth.
Wrote 'bout nature, had simply no dearth
Of superior prose.
As his English fame rose,
He found out just how much his Wordsworth. (Kirk Miller)
He's so charming and handsome and slim
But Melissa is dumping her Tim
He's unfaithful and brash
And won't put out the trash
Although all the trash put out for him (Graham Lester)
An old sailing ship skipper of note
Who encountered rebellion afloat
Overwhelmed by demands
Placed his head in his hands
Then his hands' heads he hanged from the boat (Graham Lester)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I tried many sexual positions while in Paris," said Tom indifferently.
(Gil Krebs)
"My horse won't stop," Tom shouted woefully. (Paul Dickson)
"May I join your group and sing, too?" Tom inquired. (Gil Krebs)
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly. (Gil Krebs)
"In order for my eBay business to survive, I will need to find some new
customers," Tom said morbidly. (Gil Krebs)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good: "Some women will do
anything for that extra three inches." (Able 2 Laugh)
TWO TEENAGERS INDICTED FOR DROWNING IN LAKE (Richard Lederer)
Frank McGee, NBC News, gave this information to the viewing public
during the course of a Gemini space flight: "I have just learned that we
do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast, which should be coming up
shortly." (Kermit Schafer)
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link (Cornell Daily Sun)
DEATH OF BETTE DAVIS BRINGS FLOOD OF PRAISE (Richard Lederer)
Walter Cronkite was reading the news about Rolls-Royce having a recall
campaign, when be said, "Rolls-Royce announced today that it is
recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966 because of fauIty nuts
behind the steering wheels." (Kermit Schafer)
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut (The New York Times)
Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I
was getting it twice a day in my hotel room." (Able 2 Laugh)
MAN SHOT, STABBED; DEATH BY NATURAL CAUSES RULED (Richard Lederer)
Official: Only rain will cure drought. (The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts)
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD. (Syman Hirsch)
The shuttle, Columbia, was traveling at 18 times the speed of light when
it exploded. (CNN Announcer)
Elephants eat roots, leaves, grasses and sometimes bark. (National Geographic)
Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees." (Able 2 Laugh)
Heard on the "Outdoor Life" program: "Our first guest this afternoon is
one of the nation's outstanding experts on birds, who has just returned
from an extended trip to Australia. In addition to bringing back several
parrots, she boasts of owning the largest parateets in captivity."
(Kermit Schafer)
TEEN-AGE GIRLS OFTEN HAVE BABIES FATHERED BY MEN. (The Sunday Oregonian)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
A sultan was inspecting the quarters of his harem. He opened a closet in
one of the bedrooms and let out a terrified sheik. (Richard Lederer)
After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an intimate
little bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel
about making love to men?" "That's my business," she snapped. "Ah," he
said. "A professional!" (Playboy)
Woman not bow-legged, just pleasure bent. (Buzkil)
Have you heard about the midget who was fired from the circus?
He was sticking his nose in everybody's business. (Richard Lederer)
A dedicated bachelor is one who believes in the adage wine, women and
s'long. (Playboy)
A man with his penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts. (Dr. Harpo)
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?
The woman in church is filling her soul with hope, and the one in the
tub is filling her hole with soap. (Joke Nite)
What do Arabs do on Saturday night?
They sit under palm trees and eat their dates. (Coop’s Jokes)
Have you heard about the tall man who was fired from the circus?
He was sticking his business in everybody's nose. (Richard Lederer)
Farmer who wants his eggs must have cock and pullet. (Buzkil)
Years ago, when the Exxon Corporation was called Esso, the company
decided to use an animal as its logo. The ad people considered using a
buzzing bee, but finally decided to use a tiger and the slogan "Put a
Tiger in Your Tank." They felt that the company shouldn't be associated
with an Esso bee. (Richard Lederer)
Favorite song: “I’m in the Nude for Love” (Alan B. Combs)
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his
new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him
to have sex with her that way.And just where have you been until this
hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." (Today's Jokes)
He who masturbates, screws only himself! (Dr. Harpo)
Here's good news for all of you who need blood transfusions, although
this may be of some interest to any of you. The AMA The American Medical
Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that
some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better. (Nekia’s Adult Jokes)
Now, according to The Washington Times, Monica Lewinsky has turned over
phone messages in which President Clinton said that he missed her.
That's what he said, He 'missed her.' Well, if that dress is any
indication, he didn't miss her by much. (Jay Leno)
Porn Actor: A man whose rise is starring. (Richard Lederer)
Woman who lay on spring get off-spring. (Buzkil)
A man who works in a pickle factory develops an overpowering obsession
to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. The obsession grows and grows
and finally becomes a compulsion. Finally, one day, right on the spot
and in front of his fellow workers, he drops his pants and jams his
penis right into the pickle slicer. They fired him, of course-and they
also fired the pickle slicer. (Richard Lederer)
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how did they get in there? (Laff A Day)
A girl who bathes in vinegar, walks around with a sour-puss! (Dr. Harpo)
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door. (Marty’s Dim Wit)
I hate the saying "nice guys finish last." Every nice guy I've dated
finished first and didn't last. (Kate Hoffman)
No difference between man and mouse both end in pussy. (Buzkil)
The man who puts his penis in a vacuum cleaner, will get sucked off.
(Dr. Harpo)
What do you call a 400 lb. woman who likes to screw men and women at the
same time?
A bisexual built for two. (Paul Croft)
Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office. Doug to
Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a
lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. Bill to Doug: "Well, I
dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better
than your wife." (Bill Brabant)
Conficious say...Man with athletic fingers-makes broad jump! (Marty Dim Wit)
What do you call a Spanish woman with a yeast infection?
A macarena with cheese. (Paul Cooper)
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and
the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm
celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with
him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying
to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it
happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile.
But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched
cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling. (Adult Jokes 4U)
A boy who lays a girl on a hill is not on the level. (Dr. Harpo)
We know a luscious young dish who went to Hollywood because she wanted
to make love under the stars. (Playboy)
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. he tells the mechanic, "It
died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?" (Paul Cooper)
How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
When you find a string in your Bloody Mary (Paul Cooper)
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. (Buzkil)