Puns of the Weak 12/06/02

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Stan Kegel

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Dec 6, 2002, 11:47:10 PM12/6/02
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PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 12/06/02

IN THE NEWS:\

Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist underwent knee surgery
Tuesday. His aides said he's recovering well. They wouldn't say if it
was his left knee or his right knee because they don't want anybody to
know which way he's going to lean (Argus Hamilton)

There will be no weapon inspections done in Iraq for the next two days
because of the upcoming Moslem holidays. They're celebrating "High
Da-missiles Day." (Jay Leno)

President Bush will propose Social Security private investment accounts
for young people in January. Democrats oppose putting Social Security
money into mutual fund companies. Don't even get Hillary Clinton started
on the subject of Fidelity. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAY PUNS

This we dreidel lot
Women and menorah frayed
To admit the truth
(Gary Hallock)

One December, when I was assistant manager of a children's bookstore, we
set up a special rack of small holiday books. Looking at a few of the
Hanukkah books on display, a customer remarked to the counter clerk how
well priced they were. "Yes," the clerk agreed. "And they make great
stocking stuffers too!" (Whimsical Wit)

Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed
up at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a
suit of armor. But he didn't have as good a publicity agent as those
other guys, so he never got as famous. In fact, only one Xmas song
celebrates his part in the proceedings: "O Holy Knight." (Cynthia McGregor)

When God discovers
Ms. MacGregor is a Jew
He'll leave Cyn agog
(Gary Hallock about Cynthia MacGregor )

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

The title of what famous novel seems to imply that it might be a book of
promiscuous rabbit's tails?
Warren piece (Gary Hallock)

Why did the minister get arrested for holding spring break services by
the ocean?
He was charged with having sects on the beach. (Scott Ryan)

What S.U.V (Sport Utility Vehicle) would be best suited for delivering
hard liquor to U-boat crews?
A Chevy Sub-bourbon (Gary Hallock)

Why do chess champions usually court Bohemian girls?
They always want a Czech mate. (Stan Kegel)

If you went to see Mount Rushmore and discovered the entire mountain had
been reduced to a pile of rubble. It would be immediately obvious that
the National Parks Service had been unable to save face so why would you
not even need to ask anyone what had become of the
presidents?
It was a four gone conclusion. (Gary Hallock)

An epic motion picture was made about the life of an apartment manager
in Riyadh who aspired to keep leasing rates to a minimum. The name of
this movie is...
Low Rents of Arabia (Tiffany Wimberly)

What do you call an ad for dogs available for adoption at the pound?
A cur-mercial (Cynthia MacGregor)

When the Mafia crime boss had a disagreement with dissenting members of
his "family," he wanted his statement to sound conciliatory and hopeful,
but his henchmen always knew that this meant it was time to have these
guys fitted for concrete shoes. What did he say?
"I want to cement relations." (Gary Hallock)

What is the difference between using tape on a bulletin board and a
payroll deduction?
One is withholding tacks and the other withholding tax (Lars Hanson)

OTHER RIDDLES:

What happens when you fall in love with a chauffeur?
You get taken for a ride. (Gigglylady)

What’s the difference between fast series of lectures and a groomed pony?
One is a hurried course, and the other is a curried horse. (Lederer &
Ertner)

Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
She wanted to write shorthand. (Wayne Williams)

What happens when you fall in love with a pastry cook?
He desserts you. (Gigglylady)

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house. (Wayne Williams)

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their Whey. (Bruce Calder)

What happens when you fall in love with a gambler?
He cheats on you. (Gigglylady)

What’s the difference between a mangy dog and a dead stinging insect?
One is a seedy beast, and the other is a bee deceased. (Lederer &
Ertner)

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog! (Paul Croft)

What happens when you fall in love with a shoe salesman?
He walks all over you. (Gigglylady)

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager (Caboom)

JEST FOR KIDS

On December 24, Adam's wife was known as?
Christmas Eve (Richard Lederer)

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow ! (Kids Jokes)

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth ! (Kids Jokes)

A holy man bereft of change could be called?
Saint Nickleless (Richard Lederer)

We had grandma for Christmas dinner! Really, we had turkey! (Kids Jokes)

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws ! (Kids Jokes)

People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called?
Christmas cards (Richard Lederer)

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball ! (Kids Jokes)

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed ! (Kids Jokes) A

What do reindeers say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you ! (Kids Jokes)

When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on?
Season’s Greetings (Richard Lederer)

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" ! (Kids Jokes)

What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight ! (Kids Jokes)

Why did the baker insult the bread?
To get a rise out of it. (Mini Jokes)

Why shouldn’t you tell jokes in the kitchen?
Because the dishes might crack up. (Chelsea, 7)

What’s the difference between a good dog and a poor student?
One rarely bites, and the other barely writes. (Lederer & Ertner)

Why are comedians like doctors?
Because they keep people in stitches. (Kid's Jokes)

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones. (Crazy Puns)

What does a ball do when it stops rolling?
Looks 'round. (Beckie Shiles)

Why are cooks so cruel?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream! (Ellen, 10)

How do you tell when a clock is hungry?
It goes back for seconds! (Vincent, 7)

Why was the math book upset?
Because it had too many problems! (Paul, 7)

Why was Cinderella such a poor football player ?
She had a pumpkin for a coach ! (Kids Jokes)

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs ! (Kids Jokes)

Why is a football stadium cool?
Because it's full of fans (Daily Groaner)

What did one egg say to the other egg?
I have a yolk to tell you. (Ethan, 6)

Why was the teacher worried?
Because there were so many rulers in the school! (Teen Jokes)

What do you get when you cross a dove with a high chair?
A stool pigeon. (Hot Cross Puns)

Why did the man cut a hole in the rug?
He wanted to see the "floor show!"(Crazy Puns)

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" (Nekia)

How do you make a car happy?
You take it on a joy ride (Daily Groaner)

Where does one go if they lose a hand?
To a second hand store (Daily Groaner)

What’s the difference between a flea-infested dog and a bored houseguest?
One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go. (Lederer &
Ertner)

Where do butchers dance?
At the meatball. (Kid's Jokes)

Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly! (Crazy Puns)

What does a slice of toast wear to bed?
Jammies! (Mini Jokes)

A cat walking on the desert is bound to get?
Sandy claws (Richard Lederer)

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ?
A merry Christmas to ewe (Kids Jokes)

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. ! (Kids Jokes)

How many legs does a reindeer have ?
Six. Forelegs at the front and two at the back! (Kids Jokes)

What’s the difference between a tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool.(Crazy Puns)

Where do twin fruits grow?
On a pear tree (Sam, 8)

What 4 letters does the dentist often say to his patients?
I C D K (Henry, 10)

What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush ?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats !(Kids Jokes)

What kind of dog is helpful for getting dates in Persia?
A Palm-Iranian (Daily Groaner)

Why don't fish go near computers?
Because they are afraid to be caught in the internet (Daily Groaner)

Why won’t a cannibal eat people that work at Texaco?
They give him gas. (Daily Groaner)

Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contest?
On a choo-choo train. (Kid's Jokes)

What do you get when you cross.a dog with a daisy?
A collie-flower (Hot Cross Puns).

What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hiss-tory! (Smith, 16)

I don't like math at all, there's just too many problems. (Irene A Mystery)

I DAILIES:

"At the holiday party, there'll be h'ordoevres, fine wine, a gourmet
meal and great company." "What about attire?" I asked. Well if you
must bring a gift, I hope you can spare it, and only if you've had a
good year." (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

Anyone who jumps off a Paris bridge is in Seine (Pun of the Day)

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all, although a lot
of dieting is wishful shrinking. (Pun of the Day)

I went on a cheese diet to try and cheddar few pounds. (Pun of the Day)

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter, and might win you
the nobelly prize. (Pun of the Day)

When they opened a shoe repair shop, they became sole mates. (Jumble)

She gave her husband a massage to fulfill a knead. (Jumble)

A farmer can turn a field into pay-dirt. (Jumble)

A dentist gets on everybody's nerves. (Pun of the Day)

People who work at the mint make a lot of money. (Pun of the Day)

A guy with money to burn may find a girl who wants to play with fire.
(Pun of the Day)

What you can buy for a dollar these days is absolute non-cents. (Pun of
the Day

Before the sports car broke down, the tow truck driver tried to pull “a
fast one.” (Jumble)

Some children think their parents are all no-ing. (Pun of the Day)

A guy died, leaving over one hundred antique clocks? His son is winding
up the estate. (Pun of the Day

The high rise riveter preferred working on the edge. (Jumble)

Terms of endearment from pets to their pesters:
WOLF: "You make me howl with joy."
RACCOON: "I can't mask my strong positive feelings."
SKUNK: " You're my little stinker."
SNAKE: "I'll HISSist you with all you desire."
BOAR: "I love to hog you with all my heart."
SPIDER: "I'll web you forever."
FROG: "I'm ribbited to your love."
(Dave Tozier/Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

Financial advisers are paid to be right on the money. (Pun of the Day)

Those votes have been counted incorrectly. I will seek retallyation.
(The Big Pun)

I never wear gloves on a date. I feel better without them. (Very Punny)

Figure skaters don't like to be in a rut. (Pun of the Day)

It’s impossible to operate on this woman with a scalpel. There must be
some other way that I can opener. (The Big Pun)

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. (E4Fun)

T COMICS

“You look a little shook up!” “I lost control of my car last night. My
daughter got her driver’s licence.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

ONE-LINERS:

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind! (Teen Jokes)

As far as careers go, farmers are out standing in their field! (Crazy Puns)

The drummer, turned cop, was finally pounding a beat. (Ginny Manning)

The Chicago Bears football team is going to have a ghost for a mascot.
That's what I call real team spirit! (Jack Levitt)

A book on voyeurism may be a Peeping Tome. (Emily Meter)

Ahh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him
before he cuts himself. (Peter da Silva)

If you got your feet trapped under the wheels of a car it must be a
Pin-toe. (Cynthia MacGregor)

"I suggest you stick to painting, Mr. Van Gogh, … you sure don’t have an
ear for music. (Lee DiAngilo)

May the force be with you. Especially if you're constipated. (Terrill Fischer)

I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long. (Mitch Hedberg)

The prisoner wanted to leave so badly that he was climbing the walls.
(Ginny Manning)

The orchestra conductor noticed that all the whole notes had little
smiley faces penciled in. The music librarian, who was on probation, was
told he would have to face the music, so he did. (David Schneider)

What was Ted Bundy's emotional state the day of his electrocution?
He was really hot under the collar. (Archives)

Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eeking out a living at a local pet store. (Bulwer-Lytton Contest)

I drove my Ford Explorer over a bed of hot rocks. Surprisingly, the
fire stones did not cause a problem. (Crazy Puns)

The sales clerk, in telling the woman buyer that the girdle would fit,
was stretching the truth. (Ginny Manning)

A girl was diagnosed as having a split personality. Upon hearing the
diagnosis, she was beside herself. (Tony Ratner),

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. (Emily Meter)

Predestination was doomed from the start. (Doug Helsel)

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
(Harold Clark)

My last job was as a hang man, but i had to work a 'swing shift' (Curtis)

James Bond is fond of alcohol but doesn't always drink martinis. He
likes Mexican hooch that is available only by permit. That's why he had
to get a "License tequila." (Gary Hallock)

As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it. (Bulwer-Lytton Contest)

Could we really blame the hurricane for all of the broken glass?
Realistically, how much can a wind owe? (Crazy Puns)

he parachute instructor told his scared student that he was jumping to
conclusions about the danger. (Archives)

A branch of the religous denomination known as the Sikhs, reportedly has
among its members quite a few devotees of the music of Franz Joseph
Haydn. They are known as Haydn Sikhs (Jack Hutchkiss)

Headline over story about the growth of hamburger and frozen custard
fast-food chain: "Custard that's far from last stand." (Chicago Tribune)

Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler (Mary Urborg).

Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to
become the woman he loved. (Bulwer-Lytton Contest)

What if they had a race just for nice guys? (Paul Wiley

You've heard the commandment to not bear false witness. Well, is the
fellow who cannot dance but says he can, bearing waltz fitness? (Crazy Puns)

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
(Irene A. Mystery)

A branch of the religous denomination known as the Sikhs, reportedly has
among its members quite a few devotees of the music of Franz Joseph
Haydn. They are known as Haydn Sikhs (Jack Hutchkiss)

Headline over story about the growth of hamburger and frozen custard
fast-food chain: "Custard that's far from last stand." (Chicago Tribune)

Stable Relationships Are For Horses. (Doug Helsel)

GROANERS:

There was a trucker who had a problem with one of the wheels on his
truck, it kept falling off. He finally thought he had it fixed, but one
day while he was sailing around a corner at about 70 mph, the wheel came
flying off, and the trucker was heard singing at the top of his lungs,
“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.” (Dave Coble)

A congregation decided to paint the walls of the church. They were doing
an admirable job until they began to run out of paint, so they decided
to thin the stuff in order to complete their task. Shortly after the job
was finished, the rains descended from the heavens, and the paint began
to peel from the walls of the church. And a thunderous voice boomed from
above: "Repaint and Thin no more!" (Richard Lederer)

Sheila was having trouble with a particularly stubborn varicose vein. A
friend suggested Dr. Benson. Just in time, Sheila discovered that this
vein had the ability to forecast the weather. When it felt cold, the
weather would be cold; when it was warm, the weather would be warm, etc.
She decided not to have the problem solved because she had become so
dependent upon her weather vein. (Crazy Puns)

A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when I'm
walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under
the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?' The doctor thinks for a moment, then
says; "No, you're just a cycle path" (Daily Groaner)

During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled
in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and
proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American
said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish, I don't believe in leper cons." (Archives)

James Bond was given a special pair of goldeneye glasses that seems to
make members of the queen's family invisible. They're called "Can see no
royal" but they don't work in America. They're for Euro eyes only. (Gary Hallock)

I was working in an insurance office when a prospective client asked for
a quote on business-liability coverage. When I found out the client
owned and operated a nude- dancer's club, I checked on whether we'd
cover such an establishment. An underwriter declined the risk,
explaining in a memo, "Too much exposure." (Julie Benitez)

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police
force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the
police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man
replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because,"
answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops." (Jolene)

In Baghdad, a worthy young man named Abdul found a beautiful urn. When
he began to polish the urn, out came a magnificently bearded genie, who
introduced himself as Benny. Benny granted Abdul the obligatory three
wishes and bid him goodbye. Abdul knew that if he could shave Benny's
beard, the genie would have to return to the urn and grant him three
more wishes. Wielding a magic razor, Abdul shaved off Benny's beard,
and, sure enough, Benny flew back into the enchanted vessel. Moral: A
Benny shaved is a Bennie urned. (Richard Lederer)

There was a poet, so devoted, so totally devoted to his work...that he
would rise in the morning, and immediately begin penning new couplets.
So devoted, mind you, that it was said that he went... from bed to
verse..(Crazy Puns)

Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one
ear and a French fry in the other ear. He said, "I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That’s because you're not eating right." (archives)

Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee
said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging
out? I haven't seen him for a while." The Senior Exec replied "Haven't
you heard? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky." "Good Lord,"
replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account
and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."
(LAB Laughs)

In days of old when knights were bold, people were a lot smaller than
they are today, so much smaller, in fact, that many knights rode upon
large dogs when they couldn't get horses. One dark and stormy night, as
the rain blew about, a squire entered a pet store in order to purchase a
large dog for his master, the Black Knight. Unfortunately, all the
shopkeeper could offer the squire was one undersized, mangy mutt.
Commented the squire: "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"
(Richard Lederer)

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the
wrong tree!" ((William Brabant)

A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won
the gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next
Olympics decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly
in both, thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports. (Crazy Puns)

A man purchased a cute little pet that was so rare it was called a
Raree. The pet turned out to have a huge appetite, ate up all the man's
food, and grew to weigh a thousand pounds. Finally, the man decided that
he had to get rid of the Raree by dumping it off a cliff. He loaded the
creature into a wheelbarrow and began the trek up a hill to the cliffs
edge. But the way was so long and the Raree so bulky that the man had to
give up. He discovered that: It's a long way to tip a Raree. (Richard Lederer)

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers.
"It gets rough," one said. " My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls
them 'reruns'." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a
Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!" "That's nothing
compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He
calls them 'remains'!" (Mrs. Sam)

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous thing I see is a sign that
reads: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So I call
and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I
do?" (Doug Helsel)

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR
TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
(William Brabant)

DEFINITIONS:

MUSICAL: Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels (Archives)

COMPUTER: 32 Bit Resolution: A motion to spend four dollars (Stan Kegel)

X-MAS: Caroling: A Chinese girl that I dated in high school. (Ken Pinkham)

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction. (Irene A. Mystery)

MUSICAL: Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps

MEDICAL: Afterbirth:Your years before starting school (Archives)

COMPUTER: Alternate Drive : a detour (Archives)

X-MAS: Yule log: Santa's record of who's been naughty or nice. (Lars Hanson)

X-MAS: Chestnuts: Hugh Hefner and Benny Hill (Stan Kegel)

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose. (Irene A. Mystery)

MEDICAL: Adipose: Modeling term for striking an additional posture (Stan
Kegel)

COMPUTER: Backup : To take your truck out of the driveway (Archives)

X-MAS: Presents of mine: What's needed when writing thank-you notes.
(Gary Hallock)

X-MAS: Christmas spirit - Any appropriate liqueur, usually much needed
after preparing for the day. (Lars Hanson)

Alarms: What an octopus is. (Irene A. Mystery)

MUSICAL: Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels

MEDICAL: Ankle: Opposite of aunty (Archives)

COMPUTER: Off Line: Failure to pass a soberity test. (Stan Kegel)

X-MAS: Creche - What Santa did when he encountered wind shear. (Ken Pinkham)

X-MAS: Blitzen: Winning at gin without your opponent getting a point
(Stan Kegel)

MUSICAL: Relative Minor: A girlfriend (Archives)

MEDICAL: Abdominal: Loathsome (Richard Lederer)

COMPUTER: Application : To put salve on your skin (Stan Kegel)

X-MAS: Scrooge - What Ebineezer used when he made a bolt for the door.
(Gary Hallock)

X-MAS: Mistletoe: The end of a Patriot bomb (Guy BenMoshe)

X-MAS: Tannenbaum - The Army's latest weapon, which, when dropped, turns
your skin so bronze that you burn up (Cynthia MacGregor)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I love that girl," said Herman. (Adrienne Tozier)

"I'm mailing you this book in a plain brown wrapper," said Tom covertly.
(Jeanne Abrons)

"Pay that invoice," said Bill. (Adrienne Tozier)

"Drop over sometime," said Cliff. (Adrienne Tozier)

"Blast these pimples!" Tom erupted. (John Fenn)

"Please cover your windows," said Kurt and Rod. (Adrienne Tozier)

"I love that color," said Hugh. (Adrienne Tozier)

"I think there is a way to restore that severed arm," Tom remembered.
(Art Blockhaus).

POETRY

To low-fat foods I don't subscribe.
I'm not a part of the diet tribe. (Lily Noyes)

He's fearless in the face of danger.
Just who is this perfect stranger?
He's the one that you thank
When you're in the bank
Where he's known as the Loan Arranger. (Tom Patton)

When birding, if you're on the prowl
Of a species less common than owl
Be still and quiet
Or others will riot
And accuse you of running a-fowl.
(Ticia Carter)

There's a woman who loves a good gripe
About sound systems; hates all the hype.
She is diff'rent, this Sal,
An anomalous gal,
Who just isn't your stereo type.
(Kirk Miller)

The story historians tell
Of Mexican soldier who fell
On battlefield dead
The last word's he said
Were cryptic and short, "Juarez Hell!"
(Gary Hallock)

BLOOPERS:

The left leg became numb at times and she walked it off. (Richard Lederer)

The patient and her husband are both trying to get pregnant. (Richard Lederer)

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. (Syman Hirsch)

The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by
his bicycle. (Richard Lederer)

The patient is a Catholic nun currently in between missionaries.
(Richard Lederer)

The patient is a 74-year-old white female who was brought to the ER by
paramedics acutely short of breath. (Richard Lederer)

HEADLINES:

Privates held in sexual assault (Richard Lederer)

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees (Funny Pics)

Lay position proposed by Bishop for women (Richard Lederer)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (Funny Pics)

Teen sex delayed when dad's around (Richard Lederer)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Funny Pics)

Panda lectures this week at National Zoo (Washington Post.)

Adults think teens having more sex than they are (Richard Lederer)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Funny Pics)

Seminal issue resurfaces in prisoners' suits. (Richard Lederer)

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (Funny Pics)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule.
(Kevin Raynek)

I went into an Alaskan bar filled with women. After a few drinks those
lezzies all looked alike. It was a clone dyke bar. (Mike Wheeler)

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon
says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever
had." "How so?" replies David. Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought
me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked
her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the
whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes
out." "Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?" David responds, "Turns out
she's allergic to nuts." (Over The Edge)

What's a gay bartender's favorite drink?
Fruit cocktail.. (My Stacy)

When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
looked ou the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
forcast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
"I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
lunch hour." (William Brabant)

Dora was a hooker in ancient times. One day she was reviewed by a panel
ofcritics, and they found her not so much wanton as wantin', so they
decided to pan Dora's box. (Cynthia MacGregor)

“Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?” “Why, a stork, dear.”
“Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?””A raven, dear.” “Mom, then
what kind of bird brings no babies at all?” “A swallow, dear!” (Archives)

What should you do if a elephant comes in your window?
Start Swimming (William Brabant)V

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, while a gynecologist looks up
the family bush. (Richard Lederer).

What do you call a faggot officer in the navy?
A rear Admiral.. (My Stacy)

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." (Scott
Sexton)

What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in ...
definitely! . (Sea Girl)

WWhy did the gay guy get fired from the sperm bank?
For drinking on the job. (Over the Edge)

Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy. (Bambi)

What's the difference between little girls and big girls?
Little girls get tucked in bed.. (Richard Lederer)

How can you tell the gay guy in biology class?
While everyone else is dissecting frogs, he's opening flies.. (My Stacy)

Steve Cram covering the women's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlene Devonish has got the Olympic
champion inside her." (Scott Sexton)

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. (Over The Edge)

What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement! (Bambi)

The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't
get into the habit. (William Brabant)

What's the difference between a new job and a new bride?
After six months, the new job still sucks. (Richard Lederer).

Why does a blonde like the number 77?
She likes to be 8 (ate) more. (Colorado Kid)

What do you call a fag in jail?
Canned fruit.. (My Stacy)

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments
at the same time? She managed to squeeze them both in. (Paul Cooper)

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office."What's wrong?" gasps her
best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on
the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off
a finger!" "My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger!?"
"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
(Over The Edge)

lrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night." (Scott Sexton)

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? . (Sea Girl)
Both capture the moment.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. (Over The Edge)
What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?
A sewing machine has only one bobbin. . (Richard Lederer)

Why are blondes like pianos?
When they aren't upright, they're grand. (Colorado Kid)

What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A flamethrower. (My Stacy)

Michael Buerk watching Phillip Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." (Scott
Sexton)

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop? . (Sea Girl)

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. (Lederer & Ertner)

I am an architectural designer. Yesterday, the new builder I was meeting
with was laughing at all the various trade magazines there are for those
of us in the industry. He said he was reading one that named a "Wood
Species of the Month" and featured a centerfold of it. I said, "Gives a
whole new meaning to the term 'woody', doesn't it?" (Karen Hamilton)

Why don't rodeo cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds. (Curly David)

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