"Puns of the Weak" 7/14/00
Stan Kegel
"Puns of the Weak" for week ending 7/14/00
So, Venus wins the ladies final, on a Saturnday too. I bet her Mars
proud of her. Ur a nu s uper champ, well done, Venus! (David Riach)
When he forgot the ice, she gave him the cold shoulder. (Jumble)
"I train big cats," Tom lionized categorically. (Richard Lederer)
I bought some ceramic ware and returned it because it had hair inside
the cups and bowls. The saleswoman blamed the people that made the clay,
I told her she was giving me a hairy potter story. (Vlad Lenin)
My wife just performed an act of plastic surgery. She cut up all her
credit cards. (Syman Hirsch)
“That’s a picture of your great-grandfather, Olaf, from Finland. Grandpa
Olef was a friendly fun-loving man. He lived to be one hundred and two.
His motto was, “Nice Finnish guys last.” (Steve Breen)
This morning as I walked past the laundry room, I noticed my cat laying
in the washing machine. I asked my wife how long he had been doing this,
she replied,"He goes through cycles." (T. Morgan)
Towing company sign: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want toes.
(Bernie Kuehn)
My home church welcomes all denominations,but mainly we prefer tens and
twenties. (Don Thorn)
Did Julius Caesar write his own letters? Absolutely not. Julius Caesar
dictated. (Louis Phillips)
Egyptian car horns all sound the same. I guess you could say they are
"toot–in–common." (Drew Kahn)
I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge
aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him. (Robert E. Lewis)
Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Ron Klar)
I tried drinking some irish cream with a candle in it, but that's not my
Bailey-wick. (David Reimher)
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" The
reply was, "Washington DC." On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the
pupil added, "Dot com!" (Rodney)
A tomato and a lettuce had a race. The lettuce was a head, and the
tomato had to ketchup. (Bad Puns)
Orgasm: The gland finale. (John S. Crosbie)
Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight. How
did they illuminate the bottom two stories? With flood lights (By Stan
Kegel)
If you lived in a binary star system, what device might best protect
your fruit tree from the oppressive sunlight? “PEAR"-A-"SOL” (Gary
Hallock)
What happened when the king allowed animals to run loose? The reign was
called because of game. (James D. Ertner)
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the
Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback,
stupefied. (Bennett Cerf)
The Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt not admit adultery. (Ralph Dukes)
Return: What you need to do to get into a tight parking spot. (Stan Kegel)
Cross a malamute with a pointer and get a mute point, owned by, ... oh,
never mind, it doesn't matter. (Joyce M. McCosco)
ISince my uncle got married I've had no use for nuance. (Archives)
I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of
black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds
keeper. (Scot Nelson)
I had some friends over, so I tried a new pate recipe - wild mushrooms
and other similar things, along with the regular liver. It was OK, but
it didn't have enough liver, proportionately, for my taste. So I
probably won't make it again. Not that it wasn't good, it just was more
truffle than it was wurst. (By David Reihmer)
Golf cart: a vehicle with a fore cylinder engine. (Golfers Gadgets)
I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into
a giant vat of milk byproduct. "I'm sorry", I said to the tour guide,
"Am I in your whey?" (Paul Croft)
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence (Syman Hirsch)
As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers’ Olympics, he tried to
cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment. “I’m
sorry,” said the flight attendant, “That’s only for carillon luggage.”
(Archives)
Nougat: What you get when you have an intestine transplant. (P. C. Swanson)
I found a note on my windshield the other day, it said "PARKING FINE." I
thought, "Well, isn't that nice?" (Karl Erikson)
I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spend fishing. A
favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at the edge of a
stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it and cast my line
into one little eddy after another. I really enjoyed those days of
casting swirls before pine. (Alan B. Combs)
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt. (Ed Hexter)
If everybody would PUMPERNICKEL or a dime more into the economy each
day, there would be more employment. (Alan Stillson)
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. (Richard Lederer)
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler (Dave Coble)
Why was Noah the world’s first financial investor? Because he floated
his stock while everyone else was being liquidated. (James D. Ertner)
The secret of a long glorious wedding is the same as the secret of how
to live in California, If you have a fault, don’t dwell on it. (Pun
American Newsletter)
Have you heard about the weight lifter who could rip phone books apart
like tissue paper. He was a real terror. (Harvey C. Gordon)
Prisoners are not allowed to use computers because all the keyboards
have escape keys. (Drew Cohn)
Knob: A thing to adore. (Syman Hirsch)
Our lives are ova before they've begun. (Alan B. Combs)
Birds are on sale. Get some for a song today. (Scot Nelson)
LSome men thirst for riches, others thirst for power, but I only thirst
after salted peanuts. (Syman Hirsch)
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an
escalator. (Henny Youngman)
Why did the guy like his job at the sex-change clinic? He met a lot of
new women. (Ed Hexter)
To err is human, to pour beer Philistine. (Mark A. Boyd)
Divorcee: A women who gets richer by decrees. (Evan Esar)
“This old pier is just as good as the new one” said Tom paradoxically.
(Pun American Newsletter
A problem with the cleaners one time
Concerned slacks that were covered with grime.
While there, one whole trouser
Was eaten by Bowser.
I really miss that old pantomine.
(By Tom Patton)
Try the Anisette. It is liquorish. (Stan Kegel)
A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession. (Archives)
Versatile: Poetry on the roof. (Wacky Definitions)
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud.
(Phillip Thompson)
Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk
to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her
the happy hooker!' (Syman Hirsch)
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead? Good. (Jason)
Rome wasn't built in a bay. (Mary Ann Madden)
Melancholia: A breed of dog that eats cantaloupe (Archives)
When a newscaster changes hairstyle, does she end up with a different
wavelength? (Megan Waves)
A neighbor's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime, and a nickel. He was
rushed to the hospital. The next day, he asks his neighbor, "Hey, how's
your son doing?" "Oh, no change yet." (Karl Erikson)
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
(Yasha Harari)
To err is human; gnu hair is fine. (Rusty Smith)
Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y (Art. Moger)
Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass (Art.. Moger)
"Boy, that's a bright star", Tom said seriously. (Jesse James)
What 19th century novel is about a man who has a sex-change operation?
In a sense, a broad (Innocence Abroad)
There was a young man named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
'T would have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring
But he didn't -- he died in the fall,
(Anom.)
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems. (Pun of the Day)
"I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably. (Richard Lederer)
Romantic: Parasites infesting some Italian males. (Gary Hallock)
Said the astronomer to the visiting school class: "You picked a great
day to come look through the telescope. Mars appears right next to
Venus. Was this just serendipity or did you planet that way? (Cynthia MacGregor)
I always lose my balance when my wife goes shopping. (Henny Youngman)
In the sea, do you measure the speed of the tide in knots? (Pun of the
Day Archives)
“Surely you joust!” “Nope, it’s all in a knight’s work.” (Chuck Markman)
When vacationing on one of Jupiter's moons, where do goiter patients
like to grab a quick lunch?
Io Dine (Karen Hamilton)
A scientist reports we're taller in the morning than in the evening.
Also, most of us are a little short toward the end of the week. (Syman Hirsch)
When cashing a check at a bank, the teller asked me if I wanted large
bills. I had to tell her no, they won't fit in my wallet, just give me
the regular size. (Max Moore)
What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop? Getting the scoop!
(Hilarity Jr,)
Steakhouse: House of grill repute (M. Rose Pierce)
Heard about the college champion shotputter? He could put away a shot
better than anyone. (Harvey C. Gordon)
I'm dissatisfied with the quality of paperback books I've been reading.
I must be making my selection from the trite side of the racks. (Frank Lockford)
When a gas stove explosion rocked the Cranston home last week, it blew
Mr. and Mrs. Cranston through the front door and out onto the street.
Neighbors report that this was the first time the Cranston's have gone
out together in 15 years. (Syman Hirsch)
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at
words for a loss. (Robert E. Lewis)
Fashion: Something which goes in one year and out the other (Lee Daniel Quinn)