Puns of the Weak 12-31-99
Stan Kegel
Puns of the last week of the penultimate year of the 20th century: (AKA 12-31-99)
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
the meaning of the Universe, the Universe will instantly disappear and
be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened. (Douglas Adams)
The new millennium:
On New Year's Day, at the crack of dawn,
Doom prophets say our world will be gone.
But you've not to fear.
We'll all still be here,
Despite rumors spread by "Armagedon.com".
But friends be assured and don't despair.
The media types are quite wrong I fear.
For despite what they say,
It's only Y1.999K.
'Til the millennium comes, end of next year.
It profits no man,
To measure things precisely,
Using a bent rule. (3 verses by Ken Pinkham)
This year on Jan. 1, at the stroke of midnight I will extract a small
amount of sap from my loblolly pine and emulsify it with apricot kernel
oil, distilled water and lavender extract. This is my New Year's resin
lotion. (Scot Nelson)
As instructed, after much dedicated effort above and bekond the call of
dutk, I am pleased to confirm mk Staff have completed the Y2K conversion
kou have asked for, and have been given tomorrowoff in thanks. Turning
to the future, I have just been told our sales skstems have a problem:
apparentlk thek think it's 1900. Do kou have ank ideas whk? (Jeremy Main)
A chemist cast a bell out of the 42nd element. On Jan. 1, 2000 he will
ring in the new Molybdenum.(Scot Nelson)
That was Zen. this is Tao. (Marsha in Texas)
I believe in the heat death of the Universe. I'm a Kelvinist. (Hauke Reddmann)
Outside the radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
(~Aiken Drum~)
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (Hershy)
"The leg, he is fractured,' he said in broken English. (J. Baumbardner)
Abortion: Love's Labor Lost. (Dan Coble)
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes
the date back a little, just to be funny (Stan Kegel)
Total strangers need love too; and I'm stranger than most. (Very Punny)
Important for a high wire performer _ a "balanced" meal (Jumble)
Says the hooker, "Hey Santa, come lay me."
Says Santa, "Oh but Yule delay me."
Still he gave it a whirl
She says, "I'm a BAD girl,
So pay me." Says Santa, "You sleigh me!" (Gary Hallock)
Eve's two son's were famous. One must have been very skilled--he was
even known as Abel. Her other son was often put down by his brother--you
know how brothers tease each other. He would say, "You can't do
it--you're not Abel." And his brother would reply, "Yes--I Cain!"
(Cynthia MacGregor)
A sign on a farm: Top Soil For Sale Dirt Cheap. (Norman Gilbert)
When a hospital visitor asked two Jewish patients how bad their
hemorrhoid operations were, they jointly replied, "It tuchas a long time
to recover." (Harvey C. Gordon)
This happened to me last week here in London. My telephone was out of
order so they sent the man round to repair it. "Hi" he said: "I'm
William from Cable & Wireless". "Oh", I replied: ... "You must be the
telephone Bill!" (Max Blumberg)
Phil the carpenter was feeling depressed over how he was all alone
during Christmas. So, the next morning while in his workshop, he decided
to take his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a
horrible end but a beautiful finish (Steve Preston)
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg. (Ron Klar)
The railroad agent told the Navajo, "The coming of the Iron Horse will
bring great prosperity to the Redman," but the Indians had reservations.
(John Williams)
You're never too old to learn. Especially if you have Alzheimer's.
(Stan Kegel)
Men who make obscene phone calls have sexual hangups. (Very Punny)
He was a terrific preacher. At the end of every sermon, there was a
terrific awakening! (Milton Berle)
What do you get when you eat Uranium? Atomic Ache (Ron Klar)
My watch caught on fire over the weekend, and I nearly died of second
hand smoke (Scott Ryan)
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip
your finger in between his neck and the noose. (C. F. Miller, Jr.)
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive. I have mixed feelings about
that. (Ed Hexler)
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my
American Express." (Stan Kegel )
Amid the rubble
The stonemason found himself
In engrave trouble. (Oh Teak Theam)
Arnie Palmer, usually a great putter, seems to be having trouble with
his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts. (Sports
Bloopers from Richard Lederer)
Santa left some great gifs at our house. I got a screen saver for my
computer that cycles through a series of beautiful paintings by famous
artists. If I click at just the right time, I can put my Monet where my
mouse is. (Gary Hallock)
The only art at our house is our finances. They're a real work of
creativity! Right now we're in our Baroque period. (Clynch Varnadore)
A little old Jewish lady is walking down the street when she is accosted
by a flasher. The flasher opens his raincoat, the lady stares at him for
a few seconds and says "you call that a lining?" (Steve Preston)
The star N. B. A. Point guard will change his shorts four or five times
during a game because he is a dribbler.(Stan Kegel)
My sister embarked on the sea of matrimony and wound up with a raft of
kids (Gary Lising)
Is this water healthy for swimming? Absolutely! It's well water.
(Cathleen Shoemaker)
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. (Donna Eaker)
A nun goes to the mother superior, terrified that she's ruined her habit
by spilling bleach on it. She's tried and tried to make it black again,
all to no avail. The mother superior calms her down, "I know, Old habits
dye hard..." (Tom Roach)
Top anglers hip deep in their waders
In a contest twixt "lessers" and "greaters"
The result? Not profound
One guy won it - "Hands down"
He's the envy of all master baiters (Gary Hallock)
There's a long drive! Winfield is going back, back, back! He hits his
head against the wall! It's rolling into second base! (Sports Bloopers
from Richard Lederer)
I bought a suitcase the other day, and I find that I cannot close it.
Can I sue the store that sold me the inferior merchandise? If I do sue,
do you think I'll win? Go ahead. It sounds like an open-and-shut case to
me.(Louis Phillips)
What did God tell Moses to take for his headache? Two Tablets! (Jokes Central)
Newly hatched termites are babes in the wood (Art Moger)
And my choice of best pun of the century:
A old Texas rancher was drawing up his will so that he might provide
for his three boys when he passed away. He decided to divide his land up
evenly among them. His wife suggested that he name the land "The Focus
Ranch." "Why should I do that, my love?" "Because it is where the sons
raise meat."
Bill Longley
>This happened to me last week here in London. My telephone was out of
>order so they sent the man round to repair it. "Hi" he said: "I'm
>William from Cable & Wireless". "Oh", I replied: ... "You must be the
>telephone Bill!" (Max Blumberg)
Could you let Max know just how fed-up with that joke I got?
Yes, I did work for Cable and Wireless for a few months. Then IBM
replaced me. Of course, I know work for a _mobile_ telephone company and
am still waiting to slay the first perpetrator...
--
Bill Longley