Puns of the Weak 02-07-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
Transplantation of the Larynx - A Case Report That Speaks for Itself
(New England Journal of Medicine/ Alan B. Combs)
Sotheby’s auction house is suing Michael Jackson because he hasn’t paid
for some paintings. It’s a misunderstanding. When they said they’d take
plastic, he mailed them an old nose. (Alan Ray)
Dick Cheney warned Friday that low U.S. crude reserves may require
drilling in Alaska sooner and not later. What is he thinking? Anyone who
thinks the country is running dangerously low on crude hasn't watched
network television in five years. (Argus Hamilton)
The White House sent a federal budget to Congress on Monday that
contains a $307 billion deficit. The administration wants this budget
deficit for a logical reason. They feel the deeper we are in the hole,
the more likely we are to strike oil. (Argus Hamilton)
LeBron James was suspended from high school basketball Friday for
accepting two jerseys from a sporting goods store. It's a growing
problem. Kobe Bryant's infant daughter was just offered a shoe deal when
Nike heard how great she dribbles. (Argus Hamilton)
HOLIDAY PUNS
The pork producers are advocating their sausage as the official meat on
February 2nd for GroundHog Day. (The International Save the Pun
Foundation)
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So
he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and
it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at
the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her
favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the
florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery
ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the
answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor
instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond
his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived,
his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent
that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight
dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she
opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a
tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds
like these, who needs anemones." (By Stan Kegel)
On Valentine’s Day before the birth of our first child, I brought a
flowering plant home to my pregnant wife. "They’re mums," I told her,
pleased with my pun. Since it was already a week past her due date, my
wife quipped,"“You should have gotten impatiens." (Archives)
JEST FOR KIDS
What are dog biscuits made from?
Collie flour (Daily Groaner)
Why can’t you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food. (Mike Bull)
Why was the dog catcher so wealthy?
He was paid by the pound. (Lederer & Ertner)
What happened when the cross-eyed dog chased a squirrel in the woods?
It barked up the wrong tree. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the pretty school teacher marry the janitor?
Because he swept her off her feet. (Kid's Jokes)
What did the wig say to the head?
"I've got you covered." (John G. Steen)
Patient: "Doctor, Doctor. I can't keep from stealing things,"
Doctor: "Take a seat." (Brandon, 11)
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
Yes sir, it's fresh ground. (Jokes Galore)
Why can’t you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food. (Mike Bull)
Why was the dog catcher so wealthy?
He was paid by the pound. (Lederer & Ertner)
Where do cars get the most flat tires?
Where there is a fork in the road. (Marcia, 10)
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was always horsing around..(Kid's Jokes)
Why did the baker stop baking bread?
Because he wasn't making enough dough..(Kid's Jokes)
What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink?
Root beer! (Daily Groaner)
What animal keeps the best time ?
A watch dog. (Craig, 5)
What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie! (Cameron, 9)
Why did the spy pull the sheets over his head?
He was an undercover agent .(Kid's Jokes)
Did you hear that McDonald's is buying the Civic Arena?
They're going to call it the Macarena (Daily Groaner)
What state do pencils come from?
Pencil-vania! (Tiffany, 11)
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
I'm the weiner! (Daily Groaner)
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
On the outside. (Mary, 5)
"I had to take my dog to the vet to get a rabies shot."
"Was it mad?"
"It sure wasn't happy about it." (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call an Eskimo father?
A cold pop. (Monique, 9)
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?" (Nekia)
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snowbanks (Sarah)
Where can you find giant snails?
At the end of giant's fingers (Daily Groaner)
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?" (Clean Cut Jokes)
Why is it so hot after the baseball game?
Because all the fans have left (John G. Steen)
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell-phones! (Katie, 13 )
What are actor’s doors made of?
Holly wood (June, 8)
I was arrested in the movie theatre last week for what I did to the
popcorn . I committed a-salt and buttery. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What did one magnet say to another magnet?
I find you very repelling. (Over Easy)
What did the woman who was sawed-in-half in the late afternoon say to
the magician?
Can you join me for dinner? (Archives)
Why did you sit on your watch?
I wanted to be on time. (John G. Steen)
How was the Mississippi riverboat gambler able to fill out his royalflush?
He was Delta Queen (Daily Groaner)
What is the opposite of ice cream?
“You whisper” (Juliet, 7 & Skye, 5)
What's black and white and red all over?
1. A Newspaper
2. An embarrassed skunk
3. A sunburnt zebra (Daily Groaner)
Every dog must have its day. But a dog with a broken tail has a weak
end. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the waiter stomp on his customer's hamburger?
Because the customer was in a hurry and told the waiter to step on it.
(Kid's Jokes)
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?" (Clean Cut Jokes)
What do you call a lonely Korean fish spirit?
A sole Seoul sole soul (Daily Groaner)
How do alligators make phone calls?
They croco-dial (Mini Jokes)
What kind of pet did Aladdin have ?
A flying car-pet ! (John G. Steen)
What do you get when you cross hot dogs with bobcats?
Sausage Lynx (Over Easy)
What did the author do when he caught his dog chewing up the notes for
his new novel?
He took the words right out of his mouth. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!! (Daily Groaner)!
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming Catholic (Tash, 15)
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bell…..
Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring. (John G. Steen)
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a pickle?
A croco-dill (Mini Jokes)
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?" (Nekia)
Cats: First of all you need to buy a cat: find a pet store with a fee
line. Your cat was born in the 10th month of the year; it's an
Octo-puss. Then it needs to be house broken. Litter-ly. Cats are the
purr-fect pet if you don't give them any fur-ball abuse. One cat
swallowed a ball of wool and soon had mittens. Another hungry cat ate
some cheese and then waited for a mouse with baited breath. (Mike Bull)
RIDDLES
What did Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson (Cynch Vernadore)
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa! (Jokes Galore)
Which Shakespearian character killed the most chickens?
In Hamlet, Claudius did murder most foul! (Stan Kegel)
How is crossing an oak seed with an opium poppy likely to help you avoid
radical eye surgery?
A Corneal Trance Plant (Gary Hallock)
What do we call the spirit of a dead chicken that comes back to haunt
us?
A poultrygeist. (Brad McCormick)
What gender is a postage-due letter?
Fee-mail. (Jim Van Camp)
In what children's story does an elephant and a dragon-puppet solve a
series of thefts at the Bigelow warehouse?
Ollie, Babar and the four tea thieves (Stan Kegel)
COMICS
I think he wants me for a troubleshooter! He told me whenever there’s a
problem around here, he always looks for me. (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves)
etective Bob searched the entire house for evidence. He walked into the
kitchen and found a bowl of strawberry ice cream. Detective Bob plunged
both hands into the ice cream splashing the ice cream everywhere, What
in the world are you doing?” asked Senior Inspector Dave. “Looking for
evidence,” replied Bob. “You idiot!” yelled the senior inspector.
“That’s just ice cream. You’re wasting your time looking in there.” “Why
is that?” asked Bob. “Because the proof is in the pudding, Bob.” (Pearls
Before Swine: Stephan Pastis)
Remember when a depression was a dent in your car fender? (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
“Ernie, Your ad for your new movie doesn’t mention that everyone i the
theater ‘Boos’ during it.” “That’s why I say it has surround sound!”
“And people can’t wait to leave the theater,” “So I say, ‘It’ll keep you
on the edge of your seat!” “The audience throws objects at the screen.”
“Stirs passions!” “C’mon, Ernie. One critic said he never was as happy
as when this movie finally ended,” “That’s why I call it, ‘The Feel-Good
Movie of the Year’.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“For this dental malpractice case, I said I would need a retainer. Allow
me rephrase that!” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
Reference Library: “This is a roster of the best distance shouters in
America.” “The Yoo Hoo’s Who’s Who!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“The Royal Spokesman said everything King Midas touches turns to gold.”
“Gilt by association) (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Dropouts are UFOs Unidentified Foiling Objects (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“I’m sorry, Dr. Oglethorpe examines funny bones only during happy hour.”
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Politician’s Prayer: And forgive those who pass trash before us.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
ONE-LINERS:
The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that
doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone. (Archives)
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause. (Bambi)
My wife's dog won't bark until you tweak its tail. She has to Cocker
Spaniel. (J. A. Mc.)
Another Corporate Merger: Federal Express and UPS will become Fed Up. (Gag-O-Matic)
Old shepherds never die, they just keep spinning yarns. (Pun of the Day)
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the
most live the longest. (Gail S. Angel)
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether
he classifies as a bird or a worm. (Douglas Helsel)
"I'm sure you can't pun on the Zodiac." "By Gemini, I can-cer" (DouglasJerrold)
There's a vas deferens between having children and no children (Jim Hawkin)
They arrested the barber for running a clip joint. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Some students concentrate lesson history and moron themselves. (Pun of
the Day)
Some people make big pottery items to urn a living (Pun of the Day)
Dad got the bugs out of his new pest sprayer. (Jumble)
One of my friends got me a novelty card deck that had pictures of nude
models on the backs, but my wife said she just couldn't deal with it.
(David Reihmer)
Travelling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience (Pun of the Day)
A noted sculptor celebrated his birthday, and everyone chipped in for a
gift. (Daryl Stout)
I'm a sailor, so I ate some alphabet soup and found the even C's (Pun
of the Day).
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... (E4Fun)
In 1902 The first gum factory opened. An employee fell into a vat, and
his boss chewed him out. (Daryl Stout)
In the Army, they always walk for a breast! (Mike Wheeler)
Chicken farmers will often share a good yolk. (Pun of the Day)
I hear that strangers are living your basement. Of course, these are
only roomers. (The Big Pun)
In 1868 The first Postmaster was hired. He got the job by stamping his
feet. (Daryl Stout)
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Foot Long Dog)
A farmer wanting to kill a chicken for dinner has to move faster than a
speeding pullet (Pun of the Day)
Cabbage should be eaten raw. In fact, that's Cole's Law. (Pun of the Day)
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under
5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. (Woody Allen)
If you eat too much when studying for a test, it's called 'cramming'.
(Pun of the Day)
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it! (Gail S. Angel)
Yukon dream of living in the north but it isn't worth Aleutian sleep
about it. (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the
sun went? It finally dawned on her. (Venkatish)
I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary. We gave him
castor oil for a week but never got a word out of him. (Bradley)
Have you heard about the woman who came over to look at her boyfriend's
unfurnished apartment? She was floored. (Richard Lederer)
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on
charges. (Tiffany Wimberly)
A new mixer can create quite a stir. (Jumble)
TIn 1896 The first music patent was granted. The man who received it
said he got it for a song.(Daryl Stout)
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal (Mike Bull)
When there are auto accidents in Sudan the vehicles go the the Khartoum.
(Pun of the Day)
A do it yourself orthodontist says, "Brace yourself!" as he prepares to
straighten you out. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired. (John G. Steen)
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical (Pun of the Day)
Telemarketers should write out their sales scripts phone etiquettely.
(The Big Pun)
My doctor asked me if I'd thought about losing some weight. I told him
I'd
GROANERS:
A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an
altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had lefta
freshly fried egg roll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the
tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his house boy about the
matter, the house boy with guilt replied, "I know its only wokkened
roll, Buddha lack it." (Archives)
Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a
new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's
shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and
are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the
scientific community for any information that would help identify the
insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of
men. (Jeff Klayman)
Husband arriving home with an enormous dog to indignant wife who is
surrounded by 3 small children: "But I did consult you -- you said a
Great Dane was the last thing we needed around here." (LOL Lewd Lines)
The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into
the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to
have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey
to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet
and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the
sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This
worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a
cigarette lighter. (Stan Kegel)
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the
wrong tree!" (Ceberus)
One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a large craft
store and one of her employees, who apprehended a would be thief and
held him captive until police arrived to arrest him. As we listened to
the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did they do, hold him at
needlepoint?" (Peg Sabey..)
A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitre'd greets him
at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables
available at this time." "That's okay", replies the Indian, "I have a reservation."
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's
attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another
waterloo." The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and
asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man
next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a
waterloo." So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink.
The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any
good. It tastes just like water!" The regular bar patron sitting next to
him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the
bartender and says, "Right Lou?" (Arca Max)
Nick's Cafe was having a bad year. So, to boost profits, Nick decided to
sell small packets of coffee which he introduced as Nick's 100% Gourmet
Ground. To cut cost, he included chicory and was sure that no-one would
notice. Big Hoss came by one day and bought some. After drinking the
brew, he was hospitalized due to a severe reaction to chicory. Once
recovered, Hoss went to see his lawyer. After telling his story, the
lawyer asked him if he still had the remains of the coffee. But alas,
Hoss did not. The lawyer refused to represent Big Hoss as they didn't
have the grounds for a good legal case. (Wuga Buga)
A Couple were driving along in the rain when the rain increased in
strength. the wife said. "Joseph, I've never seen rain like this. The
drops are as big as golf balls." He replied," That's not rain. That's
hail, Mary!!" (John G. Steen)
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS." When the librarian asked him if it
was for his mother, he answered no. "Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, "I just started
collecting moths last month!" (The Pundit)
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The
customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the
bartender."Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money
again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign,
the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar." (Archives)
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it
began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper
blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable
to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I
suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks
until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed
them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and
they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?
(Gary Hallock)
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory.
He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything
worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The
scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone
clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one
day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him,
and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!" "What for?"
the mad scientist asked. And the policemans answer was: For making an
obscene clone fall. (Joke of the Day)
DEFINITIONS:
Bachelor: One who's foot-loose and fiancee free; (Playboy)
Budget: What you can't do to a politicians mind after he's made it up.
(Gary Hallock)
Reverse: To back up to the last chorus and sing again. (Bob Car)
Trampoline "Legal claim made on the property of a homeless person."
(John G. Steen)
Capitol punishment:. Sending someone to Washington to serve in the
government (Cynthia MacGregor)
Engineers: What Native Americans hear with. (Bob Car)
Propane: My dentist doesn't believe in anesthesia. He's propane. (Suuzzee)
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil (Playboy);
Fillibuster: One who breaks in female horses (Stan Kegel)
Adverse: Singing commercial (Tim Bruening).
Planet: I used to ad lib these puns, but now I planet. (Bobsie)
Defibrillator: "Lie detector." (John G. Steen)
Zombie: Something some men drink and other men marry. (Playboy)
Vice Chairman: The person in charge of immoral and illegal activities.
(Stan Kegel)
Attract: The answer an indian gave to the question "Where's the train?"
(Bob Car)
POETRY
A schizophrenic
And a most pious priest both
Have altar egos (Gary Hallock)
The prideful tern
About to be a mother,
Reflects that two good terns
Deserve another. (Clifton Fadiman)
Once a gambler in debt far too deep
Was in need of a way to live cheap
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap (Graham Lester)
A stallion was going insane
While flirting with fillies in vain.
Said the horse, named Hilyer,
"Your pace looks familiar,
But I cannot remember your mane." (Kirk Miller)
With a leg of lamb mad Mrs. Kim
Put an end to her poor husband, Jim
Who was thus vindicated
For she'd lied when she stated
That he'd never go out on a limb (Graham Lester)
TOM SWIFTIES:
That's the third time I've changed his grade," Tom's teacher remarked.
(Gil Krebs)
"I hate milking cows," Tom said moodily. (Lederer & Ertner)
"Father snipped off all of his boy's hair; it was a total eclipse of the
son," said Tom trying to make light of the situation. (Scot Nelson &
Stan Kegel)
"Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait," Tom
forged ahead. (Gil Krebs)
George Seurat copied my art technique, said Tom pointedly (Sheila Dundee)
"Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically.
(Gil Krebs)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
WHY YOU WANT SEX CHANGES WITH AGE (Richard Lederer)
Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag, and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one." (Able 2 Laugh)
GOVERNMENT TO BAN BALDNESS, SEX DRUGS (Richard Lederer)
Our son's grades have taken a real nosedrop. (Richard Lederer)
MAN FOUND DEAD IN CEMETERY (Tony Thoennes)
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." (Able 2 Laugh)
DEAD EXPECTED TO RISE (Tony Thoennes)
The dean of women at a large Midwestern university recently began a
speech to the student body with these memorable words: "The president of
the university and I have decided to stop petting on campus." (Playboy)
CONGRESS TOURS RAVAGED CITY (Richard Lederer)
On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off
Bridge (MeMail)
BAR TRYING TO HELP ALCOHOLIC LAWYERS (Tony Thoennes)
Now it might get a little cool tonight, so just pull that African at the
foot of the bed over you. (Richard Lederer)
HIGH COURT TO HEAR DRUG CASE (The Staten Island Advance)
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during the BBC's eclipse coverage: "They seem cold out there,
they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." (Able 2 Laugh)
FENCING IN YOUR SWIMMING POOL CAN SAVE A CHILD'S LIFE (Richard Lederer)
There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that
Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been
trap shooting. (LAB Laughs)
DELGATE SEX SWITCH ADVOCATED (Tony Thoennes)
Peter Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for
such a little chap!" (Able 2 Laugh)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule. (Judy’s Jokes)
Did you hear that 35% of all gay men were born that way?
The rest got sucked into it. (Goatboy)
Jon was talking to Al. "So, Al, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women,
to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," Al shook his head,
"Whenever I mention sex, they object." (Nekia)
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float. (JerLyn F.)
My university includes a large hospitality and catering department which
used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that prolonged
exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and planned to publish
a paper on it: "Master Baking Makes you Blind." (David Singmaster)
A frigid female golf pro is an unpliable lay. (Richard Lederer)
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. (Archives)
What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon. (D. A. Funk)
"How the hell should 1 know!" shrieks the husband into the phone. "Why
don't you call the Weather Bureau?" "Who's that on the phone?" asks his
wife. "1 don't know. Just some damn fool wanting to know if the coast is
clear." (Richard Lederer)
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result
of a standing cock. (Goatboy)
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung. (SheriBeinBad)
Why would your girlfriend get mad if you put your condom on backwards?
Because you'd rubber the wrong way. (Gary Hallock)
" What did the vampire say to the English teacher?
"See you next period." (Richard Lederer)
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed. (JerLyn F.)
A bordello is a toll cookie-house.. (Richard Lederer)
The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at
Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at
a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read
aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25%
during sex?" My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how
come yours don't?" My father, from behind his newspaper and without even
a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough." (Awesome Jokes)
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.. (Archives)
Why wouldn't the Polish husband make love to his new wife?
He promised his mother that he wouldn't sleep with a married woman..
(D. A. Funk)
A man goes into a drugstore to buy a pack of condoms. When he pulls out
his wallet to pay for his purchase, he notes that the bill is thirty-two
cents higher than the price on the box. He asks why and is told that the
extra money is for tax. "Gee," he muses aloud. "I thought that you just
rolled them on." (Richard Lederer)
What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker! (SheriBeinBad)
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. (Sea Girl)
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(John G. Steen)
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another. I said, "Let's
go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said,
"No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." (Paul Cooper)
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal. (JerLyn F.)
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She's withholding evidence. (JerLyn F.)
A soldier, commended for extreme bravery on the front, is coming home to
his family. His little son looks out the window and sees his father
walking up the path to the front door. "Look, Mommy," the boy exclaims,
"Daddy's got a Purple Heart on!" "I've been waiting so long to see him,"
the mother smiles, "I don't care what color it is." (Richard Lederer)
“Oh, you'll like it here," said the experienced steno to the new girl in
the office. "Lots of chances for advances.". (Playboy)
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three
rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie. (Goatboy)
One guy is at a bar and while sipping his drink, he spots this gorgeous
brunette sitting at one of the tables with her friends. She catches him
staring at her and they eye each other from afar for a while. Then he
decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that
"come here" motion made by the index finger). So she walks over to where
he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear, "If
I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a
whole hand." (Miss Cream de la Cream)
If a bunch of dockside hookers catered only to men in rowing vessels,
would it be fair to call their place of business an oar house? (Cynthia MacGregor)
A brassiere is a bustblocker.. (Richard Lederer)
We know a girl who was chased out of a nudist colony because she had
something on her mind. (Playboy)
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. (Archives)
Why don't homosexuals like chess?
Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen. (D. A. Funk).
Why are men like trains?
They always stop before you get off. (Judy’s Jokes)
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you wore me
I'd be cumming on you too. (Curly David)
Then there was the young married woman who drove 50 miles just to get 6
inches away from home. (Caboom)
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around. (JerLyn F.)
Original Sin is no longer available, but the digitally enhanced version
is readily available. (Tina)
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to
eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the
Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team,
therefore saving jobs They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately,
they are only good for one period and have no second string .(Big Daddy Cool)
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. (Archives).
Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
It's called "Abzorba the Leak.". (D. A. Funk)
Babbe Chabeeb
> The pork producers are advocating their sausage as the official meat on
> February 2nd for Groundhog Day. (The International Save the Pun
> Foundation)
I think there would beefhearts shortly after eating sausage.
mike whEeeler
baha...@earthlink.net, Babbe Chabeeb was looking at the world oddly when:
Or, did you say that tongue'n cheek?
Jenni Saqua
> Babbe Chabeeb was looking at the world oddly when:
> >> PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the week ending 02-07-03
> >
> >> The pork producers are advocating their sausage as the official meat on
> >> February 2nd for Groundhog Day. (The International Save the Pun
> >> Foundation)
> >
> >I think there would beefhearts shortly after eating sausage.
> >
> Well then... you should just hide the salamii...
> Or, did you say that tongue'n cheek?
>
Babbe Chabeeb
"Jenni Saqua" <mara32...@netscape.net> wrote in message
news:3e452a0f$0$220$d36...@news.newshosting.com...
He farts a lot, so you regretted getting aroma for two at the hotel?