Puns of the Weak 03-29-04
Stan Kegel
THE ONE-LINERS
The halucinogen put him in a bad mood. He was seething. (Jason Dias)
Our marriage was a love match pure and simple; she was pure and I was
simple. (Syman Hirsch)
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. . (Renee From Napa)
If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
(Pun of the Day)
Feeling guilty about my action of years ago, I have sought to purge my
vile past through the ritualistic purchases of triangular sports
banners. I'm seeking pennants, just like the priest told me. (Larry Hollister)
If I were a cop, I'd look for an excuse to arrest a mime just so I could
tell them they had the right to remain silent. (Holly Yael Black)
The nudist was disclosed. (Alan B. Combs)
When the seer's services didn't sell at the charity auction, she became
a non-prophet (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
He, who long ago said, "Talk is cheap," had no way to anticipate today's
big phone bills. (K. C. Doyle)
A young male camel meets a cute female camel at an oasis water trough,
and with a sly wink, says, "Honey, I'd walk a mile for a date." (Harry
B. Schultheis)
Taking the path of lest resistance makes men and rivers crooked.
(Lawrence Brotherton)
My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when. (Syman Hirsch)
He couldn't decide whether to accept a job in mattress sales so he
decided to sleep on it. (Pun of the Day)
His CDs were too full to get the last song on. He was burned up. (Jason Dias)
An apostrophe is nothing more than a comma that's lost its sense of
direction. . (Renee From Napa)
He was a good doorman because he knew hs ins and outs. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. (Clynch Vernadore)
Wonder Bra has come up with a chocolate bra. They are using Godiva
chocolate. Milk chocolate? That gives new meaning to being invited in
for a snack. (Paul Cooper)
Windows is a pane in the glass! (Douglas Helsel)
Friends were once teasing Hayley Mills about her supposed marriage to
Robert Stack. It was, like, needling a Hay Stack. (Bob Dvorak)
Since they initiated the direct New York to Orange County flights, those
who used to fly to Los Angeles are being called ExLAX passengers. Its
seems they are always in a hurry to get somewhere. (Stan Kegel)
Due to environmental regulations in Orange County, they can't empty a
plane's lav. waste there. The drain in Wayne stays mainly on the plane.
(Bob Dvorak)
Prunes give you a run for your money. (Renee From Napa)
I got the best possible result on my blood test. A+. (Jason Dias)
While he worked, the shoemaker listened to sole music. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
The police boat was filling with water and those on board had to be
bailed out. (Pun of the Day)
I frequently go to the opera whether I need to sleep or not. (Syman Hirsch)
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)
Genealogy Research is overtaking the undertakers (Lawrence Brotherton)
A man with a lump of tarmac on his shoulder goes into a pub. The barman
asks him what he wants to drink. "Two pints please mate, one for me and
one more for the road." (Joke Hacker)
People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you,
that makes me sick. (Sandra Wilson)
My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift.
(J. Hutter)
I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My
psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. (Kim Moser)
When his photographs all got double exposed he was beside himself.
(Jason Dias)
The barber was good at short cuts. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk
to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her
the happy hooker!" (Renee From Napa)
Is Diarrhea a pain in the gas? (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
There's a real shortage of water in Beverly Hills. Two Perrier trucks
collided. (Douglas Helsel)
Atheism cures religious terrorism (Russ)
People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you,
that makes me sick. (Sandra Wilson)
My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift.
(J. Hutter)
When steering through hairpin turns, it is hard to think straight.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My
psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. (Kim Moser)
When his photographs all got double exposed he was beside himself.
(Jason Dias)
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for
him to come out of the closet." (Bill Kelly)
Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars (Pun of the Day)
Four French kittens were playing with several balls of yarn. How many
did they tear apart?
Quatre cats shredded huit. (Jim Ertner)
If you ask for water in a Beverly Hills restaurant, you can request the
year. (Douglas Helsel)
POETIC PUNS
THE SPILL
Our good friend Way
One one day thought he would buy
groceries that would last some time. When one
lives in the boondocks often one must try
to minimize the trips, for it's no fun
to spend your days shopping for groceries.
He packed them in the back seat, and on top
he set the sweets -- maple syrup, cheese
cake and a sugar sack about to pop.
He stopped for a red light, and when it changed
he started so abruptly and with such haste
syrup and sugar (which were not arranged
too steadily) covered him, so his taste
became quite sweet, and ever since that night
we speak of sugared Wayne and the green light.
(Pedro J. Saavedra)
The politician is my shepherd. I'm in want.
He maketh me lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He disturbeth my soul.
Yes, though I walk through the valley of
the shadow of depression and recession,
I anticipate no recovery, for he is with me.
He prepareth a reduction in my salary in
the presence of my enemies.
He anointed my small income with great losses.
My expenses runneth over.
Surely unemployment and poverty shall
follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in a mortgaged house forever.
(Syman Hirsch)
In the springtime, I saw a man sobbin';
Said his head hurt real bad; it was throbbin'.
Had been robbed by a thief,
And he sought some relief.
So I guess I had seen spring's first robin.
(Kirk Miller)
A Midsummer's Night Dream
In dementia tremens Titania,
A disease that attacks women's crania,
The afflicted young lass
Falls in love with an ass.
It's a terribly prevalent mania.
(Max Gutmann)
The wise ones will cite
Bible foretold weapons race:
A bomb a nation
(Guy Ben-Mosha)
Peacemakers beware
While turning that other cheek
You may pass a fist
(Gary Hallock)
In a contest in Santa Rosita
A chihuahua won "Best Margarita".
T'was almost a draw
But the cat broke a law
And the prize never goes to a cheetah.
(Bob Dvorak)
My son's so correct
He calls his mum Mater. But
He calls me collect.
(John S. Crosbie)
For the Courier font, time was ripe
To date Arial font, but he'd gripe
That friends would disparage
Such things as mixed marriage,
And proclaim she just wasn't his type.
(Kirk Miller)