Puns of the Weak 1-3-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:
A new year approaches. Analysts are predicting a booming economy in
2003. And that’s just in Baghdad. (Alan Ray)
On O. J. Simpson’s visit to the U. S. C. football team practice Monday:
“How creepy is that? He gave the team a pep talk. “Go out and kill them,
but don’t get caught!” In fact, today, Robert Blake stopped by the U. S.
C. practice to talk about the shotgun offense. (Jay Leno)
Hillary Clinton gave the Democratic Party weekly radio address Saturday.
She once gave a radio address on the importance of mammograms back when
she was first lady. Breast examinations were a recurring theme during
the Clinton Administration. (Argus Hamilton)
A Delta Airlines pilot failed a breathalyzer test in Norfolk. Where can
you find this captain in the air? He usually flies the red eyes. (Alan Ray)
Clonaid claimed last week they just cloned a human being for the first
time in history. Reaction was swift. The pope denounced cloning,
President Bush vowed to outlaw cloning and George Steinbrenner offered
the Boston Red Sox $10 million for the rights to Ted Williams in the
re-entry draft. (Argus Hamilton)
O. J. Simpson can get more ladies than you can ever dream of. He’s a
real lady killer. (T. J. Simers)
HOLIDAY PUNS
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it Old Lang's Sign. (Alan Sherman)
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the
other. (Beckie Shiles)
I was preparing deviled eggs to go with our traditional Christmas Eve
dinner when my six-year-old nephew, Paul, said, "Mmm, Christmas isn't
Christmas without deviled eggs." Paul's three-year-old brother, Shawn,
said, "Uh-uh, Christmas isn't Christmas without cheeses." I bent down to
little Shawn and said, "I'm sorry, we don't have any cheeses."
Exasperated, Shawn threw up his hands and said, "Aunt Cindy, cheeses
(Jesus) is the reason for the season," and then he walked away. (Ian Miller)
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for
a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx
of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized
themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and
Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!" (Whimsical Wits)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
Why are Hoover's machines environmental abominations?
Nature abhors a vacuum. (Lars Hanson)
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish (Stan Kegel)
When playing poker with a poet, why are you likely to receive your cards face-up?
He’s used to dealing inverse (Gary Hallock)
Workers in a furniture refinishing plant were geting a rash on their
hind parts. It seems that they were using a solution that they carried
in their hip pockets to shine the exterior layer of fine wood they were
applying to their products,and this was causing the problem. What was
the diagonsis?
Veneer Rear Oil Disease. (Gary Reeves)
What would be an appropriate term to describe a fellow who failed to
qualify for the Olympic sledding team who subsequently took up hang
gliding?
A Soar Luger (Gary Hallock)
Normally, Oriental food is light fare (you eat now, and hungry an hour
later.) But what Oriental dish is sure to weigh you down?
Wan Ton (Scott Ryan)
Portugal is peeved because they are loosing tourist dollars to off shore
islands. It seems that the islands are allowing gambling and other
Cynful diversions. Vacationers find Portugal's laws tight, but the ...?
Azores Looser (Gary Reeves)
OTHER RIDDLES:
Why is it dangerous for farmers to plant-peas during a war?
The enemy might come along and shell them. (Bob Phillips)
What do you get when you cross a pigeon with an army general?
A military coo. (Lederer & Ertner)
How should you greet a German barber?
"Herr Dresser." (Bob Phillips)
What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a real kick to it. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter. (LOL)
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a male cow?
A cock-and-bull story. (Lederer & Ertner)
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other (Curly David)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do Eskimos use to hold together blocks of ice?
I-glue. (Scot Nelson)
Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turnover. (Bob Phillips)
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A hare net. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
He had no body to go with him (Daily Groaner)
A man had two sons and named them both Ed. How come?
Two Eds (heads) are better than one. (Steve, 8)
Why are wizards good at fishing?
Because they really know how to cast a spell! (Aaron, 7)
What do you get when you cross a parrot with an eagle?
A paralegal (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a school up in the sky?
A High School (Josh, 6)
Why did the kid put his clock in the oven.
He wanted to have a hot time. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you get when you cross a rattlesnake with bread dough?
A snake that rattles and rolls. (Lederer & Ertner)
What does an elephant take with him on a trip?
A trunk (Tatiana, 6)
What do you say to a skeleton going on vacation?
Bone voyage! (Henry, 10)
What did the flower say to her guests?
Please be seeded (Billy, 11)
"Son, I've asked you before NOT to do your geometry homework at the
dinner table!"
"But why, Ma?" I asked. "What is wrong with that?"
"Look," she said, "the proof is in the pudding." (Scot Nelson)
What does a car say when it gets parked in a tight space?
That was tiring (Matthew, 7)
How do mountains hear?
With mountaineers. (Dave, 10)
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
So he could see how long he slept. (Adelina, 8)
Why did the spaceship lose its job?
Because it was fired. (Elisa, 9)
Why can't you read a story about a bed?
It hasn't been made up yet. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you get when you cross a calculator with a mule?
A computer that gives you a boot when you turn it on. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive. (Clean Cut Jokes)
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drumsticks! (Paige, 9)
What horse never goes out in the day time?
A night mare (LAB Riddles)
DAILIES:
Did you hear about the Two Wall Street financial hot dogs that got on a
roll? (Pun of the Day)
Those politicians who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear that the government is going to charge for hitch hiking?
Thumb tax. (Pun of the Day)
People who work at the federal mint make a lot of money (Pun of the Day)
While changing the balding wheels, the mechanic considered retiring. (Jumble)
The sociologist joined the regulars at the coffee shop to study the
“counter culture.” (Jumble)
Napoleon placed a chess piece back on the board that had already been
captured. Everyone knows that you can’t use expired coup pawns. (The Big Pun)
Some music stores are in a CD part of town (Pun of the Day)
You should never take rocks for granite. (Pun of the Day)
A husband who thinks he is as solid as a rock may have a wife who wishes
that he was a little bolder. (Pun of the Day)
If you tried to make a boat out of rock, it would be quite a hardship.
(Pun of the Day)
When I captured the unusual flat-bodied sea creatures, my boat housed an
a ray of new species. (The Big Pun)
He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
(Pun of the Day)
During branding cowboys have sore calves. (Pun of the Day
Good police officers never miss a beat. (Pun of the Day)
There was one lingerie thief that gave an officer the slip. (Pun of the Day)
Police dogs are often the scenter of a drug arrest. (Pun of the Day)
Paid overtime for police is known as the copper nitrate -- if it is
warranted. (Pun of the Day)
When he lost the lambs, the herder’s helper felt sheepish. (Jumble)
What do you call money for the pay toilet?
Johnny Cash. (Very Punny)
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. (E4Fun)
When a college dormitory exploded, the roomers were flying, (Pun of the Day)
College bred is a four-year loaf made out of the old man's dough. (Pun
of the Day)
Doctors gave up bloodletting long ago because it was all in vein. (Pun
of the Day)
When a doctors got a cut, the nurse told him, suture self. (Pun of the Day)
Late-night studying with a snack made him well rounded. (Jumble)
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. The answer is: I
don't know. Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? (E4Fun)
COMICS
At the Museum of Television: “It says the 1st episode of ‘My Mother The
Car’ marks the very 1st airing of an auto-pilot.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves)
New Years Resolution: Diet: The more you put it off, the more you put it
on. (Graffiti, Gene Mora)
“800 X 600 would be too cramped. 1024 X 768 wouldn’t be bad but would
still be somewhat restrictive. 1920 X 1200. Those are dimensions I would
love. Mom’s asked us to choose resolutions for the New Year.” (Foxtrot:
Bill Amend)
Ralph’s at an awards banquet for the volunteer Fire Department. He’s
getting the Extinguished Service Award. (Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers)
Night Watchmen never work a day in their lives, (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned. (La Cucaracha: Lalo
Alcaraz)
ONE-LINERS:
Confucius Says woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.
(Gilbert Dunk)
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient. (Archives)
My baby goat is lame! He has kid knee failure. (Norm Gilbert)
My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done. (Judy's Jokes)
My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum
cleaner! (Curly David)
A kaleidoscope is a device for watching automobile accidents. (Norm Gilbert)
Due to new materials, computer-assisted design, and throwing techniques,
the sport of boomerang throwing is making a comeback. (Don Kirkman) I
Confucius Says man who jump through screen door, strain self. (Gilbert Dunk)
When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restauraunt he
replied oh yes ... we serve anybody! .(Mike Bull)
When geese fly upside down, they quack up. (Norm Gilbert)
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the
sun went? It finally dawned on her. (Lee Hogan)
If they cloned Cher - would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike?
(Fred Spondy)
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a
partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray
Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar" (Archives)
The chiropractors formed a partnership to open their new clinic. It was
a joint venture, (Ron Arends)
Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black? .(Mike Bull)
Weathercocks are vain creatures-. (Norm Gilbert)
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up
with splitting headache.(Archives)
A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitre'd greets him
at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables
available at this time." "That's okay", replies the Indian, "I have a
reservation." (LAB Laughs)
A small French cake filled with bird meat is known as e'clair du loon.
(Norm Gilbert)
My body is a temple, with ample parking in the rear! (Owen Lorian)
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills. (Archives)
I eagerly await any chance I get to see landslides. I've always loved
the Rolling Stones. (Nina)
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? (Judy's Jokes)
My friend told me he will speak his mind, because he has nothing to
lose. (Jo Lene)
Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers
can't be choosers. (Jay Salinger)
GROANERS:
The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we
didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he
passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he
went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my
story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because he'll
get verse before he gets butter!" (Carl Hess)
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the
long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally
called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight
today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied,
"One hour and 45 minutes!" (My Stacy)
In days of old when knights were bold, people were a lot smaller than
they are today, so much smaller, in fact, that many knights rode upon
large dogs when they couldn't get horses. One dark and stormy night, as
the rain blew about, a squire entered a pet store in order to purchase a
large dog for his master, the Black Knight. Unfortunately, all the
shopkeeper could offer the squire was one undersized, mangy mutt.
Commented the squire: "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"
(Richard Lederer
A secretary, Marge, and a bookkeeper, Tina were reading an article that
they found was very funny. They were laughing so hard they were in
tears. As this was happening, their boss came out and saw them. The boss
couldn't resist -- she said, "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina!" (Laffmaster)
Mrs. Wong, a Chinese woman, gave birth to a blond-haired, blue-eyed
Caucasian baby. When the doctor asked Mr. Wong to explain the
astonishing occurrence, he replied: "Two Wongs don't make a white."
(Richard Lederer)
Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop happened to
be located next store to a bowling alley. Cohen became enamoured with
the sport and was determined to get his score over 200 so he began
spending more time bowling than barbering. He had started a game with 6
consecutive strikes one afternoon when the political boss of the county
tracked him down and demanded an immediate shave. Cohen indignantly
pushed him aside, declaring firmly, ... “A bowling Cohen lathers no
boss.” (Rose Katz)
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever
happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this hare brained
notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.
"How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires
from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you
get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
(Edgewood Funnies)
A tax collector went to a tannery. “Why haven’t you paid your taxes?”
the collector asked the owner of the tannery. “Business has been very
bad,” answered the tanner. “Do you mind if I check around the place?”
asked the tax man. “Go ahead,” invited the owner. “You’ll see I have
nothing to hide.” (Marty D.)
A father waited in line with his daughter Shelly for the chance to sign
the White House guestbook. Impatiently the little girl pushed in front
of a nun to get her turn. The father restrained his daughter and said:
"Wait till the nun signs, Shelly." (Richard Lederer)
Did I tell you about the great concert I went to last week? It was a
tribute to Simon and Garfunkel They had an impressive lineup - an Elvis
impersonator, Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66, Rosemary Clooney and 80's TV
star Tyne Daly from Cagney & Lacey. The ensemble was billed as 'Presley,
Serge, Rosemary and Tyne'. (Fred Spondy)
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about
the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's
gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were
fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines
from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable
prices. (Cathleen Shoemaker)
"So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan ... when, suddenly, this nice kid (who's
been just sitting there, having a nice meal with his parents) jumps to
his feet and pulls out a 9mm. "With a scream, he starts pumping round
after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
"With a sigh, his mother says, 'Now, Tommy ... If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times. Stop wasting food!'"
A rare delicacy is Sauteed Sloth. Using the middle toe of the great
Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of that large, furry,
indolent creature, the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal,
and sautes it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles,
and just a touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an
excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many
people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good
meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can
only be sauteed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles. Too many
cooks broil the sloth. (The Funny Bone)
Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the
pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first
said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second said he
wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street. The third
wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull. The fourth said
he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop. The fifth said
he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and
heifer. (Richard Lederer)
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my
reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed
into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on,
however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another
chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the
driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and
your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!" (Steve Israel)
A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package consisting
of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When they complained that
the package had not yet arrived, he wrote: "Cheer up. The wurst is yet
to come."
I went to this bar in San Francisco. There was a small stage where a
girl was dancing. Since there was no other customer there, the bartender
was in a talkative mood. He told me he employed twin girls named Shelly
and Jan to dance on the stage. Since they were working their way through
college, they took turns dancing. One day Shelly danced there and the
next day Jan danced there. I asked him which one was on the stage that
day and he replied, "It must be Shelly 'cause Jan don't shake like
that." (Jack Darcy)
To enforce the ban against exporting mynah birds, the State trained
lions to guard its frontiers. One day two smugglers tried to sneak a
mynah bird out of the country while the border lions were sleeping. But
the lions woke up and captured the smugglers, who were accused of:
Transporting mynahs across state lions." (Richard Lederer)
This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when
they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a
broken fence. The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle
from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard.
He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose
wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife
asked him if he'd had any luck. "Yep", he replied. "Beep repaired!!" (Archives)
Up ahead, at the edge of the badlands, the trail split three ways, so
Rex Savage, famous as the fastest gun west of Tucumcari, let his tired
pony shuffle through the dust while he grappled with his options; would
it be the West Trail, leading to California and Sue, the only woman he
had ever really loved, who had promised to be waiting if he ever hung up
his ivory^handled .44's, or the East Trail, to his dream of a degree
from Yale Law School, or perhaps the North Trail, where his old Civil
War buddy President Grant had promised to appoint him Indian agent for
the entire Dakota Territory; "So which is it going to be," Rex
pondered:"Sue, sue, or Sioux?" (R. F. Perkins)
DEFINITIONS:
Medical: Ingrown Hair-A rabbit raised indoors (Stan Kegel)
Computer: Download: To flush the john (Archives)
Bias: Why men go to a brothel (Mrs. Sam)
Dolphins: The snazzy protrusions from Barbie's 1956 car (Cynthia MacGregor)
Castrate: Market price for setting a fracture (Lexicon)
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye. (Curly David)
Medical: Lactose: Person without digits on his feet (William Brabant)
Computer: Downtime: A period of depression (Stan Kegel)
Bisects: Why Johns go to a brothel (Mrs. Sam)
Coroner: A profession for which you have to take a stiff exam. (Lexicon)
Eggplant: Where baby chicks think they come from . (Art Linkletter)
Computer: Ethernet : What the doctor puts on your face to make you sleep
during surgery (Archives)
Window: What you hope to do at the casino. (Bree Schultz)
Medical: Microbe: What you wear to speak before a large audience.
(Richard Lederer)
Computer: Expansion slot : Extra hole in your belt to use when you
overeat (Archives)
Climate: The best thing to do with a ladder. (Lexicon)
Cross country: The Vatican.
TOM SWIFTIES:
"Since the microphone on my ham radio is broken I guess I'll have to
switch over to radiotelegraphy," said Tom remorsefully. (Don Kirkman)
"What a rotten hand you've dealt me," said the bridge player in passing.
(Weber & Byron)
"I'd say your pants are too short," the tailor said off the cuff. (Weber
& Byron)
"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disorientedly. (Archives)
"I get Time, Newsweek, and U.S. News," he would say periodically (Weber
& Byron).
"Psst! Your next line is on the cue card," he said promptly. (Weber & Byron)
" POETRY
When leading the senate
Keep tongue at low throttle
First "Newt" went
And now aLott'll (Gary Reeves)
Ignore stock brokers
I seek marine researchers
For fish cull planning
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Upon awakening, an anthropologist named Stone
Found two Iraqis arguing, full blown
With a leg bone it's said
He knocked them both dead,
Thus stilling two Kurds with one stone. (Dave Tozier)
Said a boy to his teacher one day,
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied
As the error he eyed,
"Right! Wright: write 'rite' right, right away!" (Anonymous)
On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil
(Ms. Kitty)
BLOOPERS:
News report: Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers. (Doug
Helsel)
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. (Richard Lederer)
Commercial: "So, remember ... Goodyear four-ply rubber to help prevent
families ... I mean Goodyear rubber tires to help your family prevent
accidents!" (Kermit Schafer)
Upheaval means you shouldn’t have ate so much. (Art Linkletter)
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. (Richard Lederer)
TWhen I appeared with Merv Griffin as the guest on his new late-night
show on CBS-TV, Merv related this blooper on the air. "On the first day
of my new afternoon show, I couldn't wait to see who our first sponsor
was. It turned out to be a well-known laxative. I eagerly said, 'Well .
. . we're off and running.' (Kermit Schafer)
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid. (Richard Lederer)
Walter Cronkite was reading the news about Rolls-Royce having a recall
campaign, when he said, "Rolls-Royce announced today that it is
recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts
behind the steering wheels." (Kermit Schafer)
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought
to see the manager." (Joke Center)
An announcer, reading it right off the wire: "A severe storm hit
Atlantic City, New Jersey, today, bringing high winds, hail, and more
than two inches of rain. A sailor was sucked under the boardwalk by a
big Wave!" (Kermit Schafer)
HEADLINES
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS (Richard Lederer)
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE (Richard Lederer)
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP (Richard Lederer)
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman
was claiming not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The judge
questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young
woman declared. "Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you
claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit
here, I sell a bit there....." (Gard Webster)
What's the difference between Ex-Lax and Sex-Lax?
Ex-Lax is for people who have trouble going. (Richard Lederer)
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you wore me
I'd be cumming on you too. (Adulticklers)
Confucius says men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the
whole, women have more. (Gilbert Dunk)
As he approached the haberdashery counter of a large department store, a
well-dressed gentleman was greeted by a shapely clerk. "Good afternoon,"
she murmured softly, "and what is your desire?" "My desire," he said,
after giving her a long, appreciative look, "is to sweep you into my
arms, rush you out of this store and up to my apartment, mix a pitcher
of martinis, put on some soft music, and make mad, passionate love to
you. But what I need is a pair of socks." (Playboy After Dark)
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A Licker Cabinet. (SheriBeinBad)
Did you know that many secretaries are unsuited for their work? (Richard
Lederer)
Little Jill asks her mother, "Can I go over to Rosey's house and watch
the magic show?" Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?" Jill
said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell Nina she got $600 for
doing six tricks last night." (Jill’s Jokeline)
What’s the difference between your fish and your meat?
If you beat your fish, it dies. (Richard Lederer)
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman
passes them. She's 5'10", 120#'s 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and
no tan lines!The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and
in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make
me wish I was a LESBIAN! (Adulticklers)
Man to woman: "Let's get something straight between us." (Richard
Lederer)
Confucius Says woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.
(Gilbert Dunk)
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke. (SheriBeinBad)
But, Robert," she gasped, "Why did you park here when there are so many
nicer spots farther down the road?" He stopped what he was doing just
long enough to mutter, "Because I believe in love at first site."
(Playboy After Dark)
Why do so many men use Dial soap ?
Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness. (Dan LoPesto)
Why do blondes make poor cowgirls?
They can't keep their calves together. (Deb at LOL)
Did you pick up any Italian on your vacation?" the secretary asked the
honey blonde at the next desk. "I'll say I did," enthused the honey.
"Let me hear you say some words." "I didn't learn any words." (Playboy
After Dark)
Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
You could get foot in mouth disease. (E-Jokes)
Confucius Says fly who sit on toilet seat, get pissed off. (Gilbert Dunk)
he young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent
was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy
and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick
in and wick out." (Haust Javeri)
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop
them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop
in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large
sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO
FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00." (Cathleen Shoemaker)
An eighty-year-old man who had proclivities toward exhibitionism was
arrested for displaying his dried arrangement. When he tried to force
himself on a young woman, he was booked again for assault with a dead
weapon (Richard Lederer) .
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished
showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack
her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the
lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht
now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The
saleslady welcomed, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he
wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He
answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in
the room." (Ms. Kitty)
Man who masturbate only screwing himself. (Archives)
Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked, "Who was
the first man?" "If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the
embarrassed coed, "I'd rather not tell." (Playboy After Dark)
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her
husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his
pocket,"the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When
you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!" (Bob Sachie)
Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his mom.He said
"My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause." (Adulticklers)
What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint. (SheriBeinBad)
Sign in a public bathroom: "Remember: The job is never finished until
the paperwork is done!" (Richard Lederer)
Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick
out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to
go first?" "Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it
was not ok to go out side and play. Then he went out to play" "Very Good
Jenny!" Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands.
"Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed. Sighing the teacher holds
her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.
"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment
yes!" (Jeff Laws )
"Before becoming master fisherman, man must be master baiter."
“Daughter," said the suspicious father, "that young man who's been
walking you through the park strikes me as being exceedingly
unpolished." "Well," she answered coyly, "he is a little rough around
the hedges." (Playboy After Dark)
I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a pet door. (Red Babe)
When a man has everything he wants in a woman, it is! (Richard Lederer)
Contraceptive: An article to be worn on every conceivable occasion (Lexicon).
Two Vomits are talking in a bar. Suddenly one of them burst into tears.
The second Vomit turned to the one crying and said "What's wrong with
you?" The first Vomit said "Oh, it's this place, it's sentimental to
me.. It's where I was brought up." (Thieving Joker)