Puns of the Weak 11/15/02
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:
Winona Ryder has been found guilty of grand theft. If she gets any jail
time, it won't be hard labor. As an actress she will be allowed poetic
license plates. (Alan Ray)
What's the difference between Canada and United States?
In the States, you have president Bush, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. In
Canada, we have Prime Minister Chretien, no hope and no cash! (Renee
From Napa)
I think the U.S. should send we pun inspectors to Iraq. (David Reihmer)
Black and Decker has recalled one million cordless drills because of
overheating. The company initially tried to rectify the problem with
marketing. "Also makes a nice soldering iron." (Alan Ray)
Federal officials across the country are on the lookout for parasites
which strike unexpectedly and can seriously injure the elderly. In
addition to dealing with corporate CEOs, they've also worried about the
West Nile virus. (Rhody)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
What apartment number does a person who can predict the future live in?
Apartment 4-C (Gary Hallock)
What Oscar winner should remind you of what troubled Andy Warhol after
he had spent hours kneeling to paint his new automobile.
Art Car Knee (By Stan Kegel)
What's the biggest rock group in South Dakota?
Mount Rushmore (By Gary Hallock)
Though she was born in China, she grew up in Alabama. Embarrassed by her
Chinese-sounding name, since she felt like, and talked like, a girl of
the South, she reduced her first name to an initial. When people met her
and asked her name, they often thought she was talking about a candy
bar. What did she answer that made them think that?
"Ah'm N. Choy." (Cynthia MacGregor)
What strange form of brain disease might you contract from sharing
Cheerios or Corn Flakes with a former Beatle?
Cereal bowl paul-sy (Gary Hallock)
Why did Joe Camel carry a razor blade to the rave?
He wanted to nick a teen. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What saint ate his meals soberly, fork in hand?
Saint August Tine. (By Lars Hanson)
Tabitha's mother' sister was into witchcraft. Every so often the witches
in her group would meet on public greenspace and hold a meeting.
Tabitha, who held to Judeo-Christian beliefs and was a punster, referred
to this place as a similar sounding holy article in the Old Testament.
She called this place what?
The Park of the Coven Aunt (Tiffany Wimberly)
What word describes the political results once Argentineans realized
Mrs. Peron could be ousted from power?
InEVITAble (By Lars Hanson)
OTHER RIDDLES:
Why won't a shark attack a lawyer?
Professional courtesy (Lederer & Ertner)
Why are saucy Dutchman walking around in a fog?
They're all in a Holland daze. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you call a native American on a moped who has twice survived a
cerebral hemorrhage?
A Two Stroke Injun (Daily Groaner)
What was the thief doing in the butcher store?
Choplifting (Lederer & Ertner)
Barbie & Ken arrive at a fancy restaurant in her pink Corvette. Who
parks the car?
Valet of the Dolls (Daily Groaner)
How do the French ship their snails overseas?
In an escargot ship (Lederer & Entner)
Did you hear about the socializing entomologist?
He liked to hang around with barflies (Daily Groaner)
What do you call a facelift on a chicken?
A fryer tuck (Lederer & Ertner)
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do so much better."
What did he say after he created woman?
"Guess I was wrong!" (Kurt Dayton)
JEST FOR KIDS
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now. (Jokes 4U)
What do you get if you turn up the volume on your stereo during an earthquake?
Rock and Roll music. (Stan Kegel)
Why did the kid eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! (Kevin, 9)
How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
An arm and a leg! (Fun 4U)
Why aren't snakes highly paid?
Because they work for scale (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sourpuss (Daily Groaner)
CWhat kind of tooth is worth a dollar?
A buck tooth! (Haley, 12 )
What kind of band doesn't make music?
A rubber band. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor! (Sarah, 7)
Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
He needed to catch a plane. (Miguel, 10)
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back
or further steps will be taken! (Doug Helsel)
Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face?
Because it's the scenter. (Gail S. Angel)
The two porcupines that fell in love were stuck on each other. (Lederer
& Entner)
What is necessary if you want to hunt bear?
You have to take your clothes off. (Stan Kegel)
What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink
piled high?
"Dishes a real mess!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
What kind of food keeps a dog quiet?
A hush puppy (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a well behaved pet snake?
A civil serpent (Stan Kegel)
When did the farmer look over his pigs?
When he had a sty in his eye. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do two oceans say when they meet?
They don't say anything, they just wave. (Stan Kegel)
Why are saddles so difficult to get along with?
They tend to stirrup trouble (Mighty Funnies)
The bean said to her boyfriend, "I think you are just stringing me
along". (Dave Coble)
Where can you learn to make ice cream?
In sundae school! (Sophie, 9)
Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?
Because of all the tellers. (Kids Jokes)
Why was the policeman in bed?
Because he was going under cover! (Brandon, 11)
Why do eye doctors live to such a ripe old age?
They dilate (Daily Groaner)
Did you hear about the siamese twins?
Everything goes in one ear and out the brother. (Medical Humor)
The nervous porcupine was always on pins and needles. (Lederer & Ertner)
Have you ever hunted bear?
No but I went fishing in my shorts once, ((Nare, 8)
What is the worst day in the week for a chicken?
Fry Day (Shelby, 7)
Show me a one word commercial and I'll show you an adverb. (Peter Bergt)
My daughter was telling me about a trip to the zoo with her grandparents
and how she saw a very large turtle who approached them. She exclaimed,
"He was walking right tortoise!" (Tiffany Wimberly)
What is a boiling kettle's favourite song?
"Home on the Range. " (Kid's Jokes)
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you! (Ryan, 12)
As the vulture says, carry on. (Dave Coble)
Where did the seaweed find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section! (Devin, ß9)
How do you make a slow horse fast?
Stop feeding it! (Rachel, 13)
Why does a bike rest on its leg ?
Because it is too tired. (Ladyhawke)
What’s the difference between big embraces and lice?
The first are bear hugs, and the second are hair bugs. (Lederer &
Ertner)
The tomato said, "slow down, I can't catchup. (Dave Coble)
Where do butchers dance?
At the meatball.(Kid's Jokes).
Show me a pharoah who ate crackers in bed and I'll show you a crummy
mummy. (Peter Bergt)
How do you keep a skunk from smelling.
You hold its nose (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at the same time?
A four-loaf cleaver (Stan Kegel)
What’s the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. (Lederer & Ertner)
What animal always wins card games?
The Cheetah (Dalla, 7)
What do you call two banana peels?
A pair of slippers (Daily Groaner)
How do fish practice singing?
They use scales (Daily Groaner)
How is the best way to organise a trip to Mars?
You planet (My Stacy)
What happened when wheel was invented ?
It caused a revolution. (Ladyhawke)
What is a dance for two containers?
The can-can. (Kid's Jokes)
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold! (Leigh, 11)
If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet (LAB Riddles)
Moe: Your uncle visited me.
Joe: And your uncle visited me.
Moe: Who do you think was the better visitor?
Joe: Your guest is as good as mine. (Tony Thoennes)
DAILIES:
He liked playing cards but was trying to re-deuce his gambling. (Pun of
the Day)
When he took karate lessons, he got a kick out of it. (Jumble)
The cooperative fur traders beat up a deer. They didn’t want to pelt a
member of an endangered species. (The Big Pun)
"Horses 1 through 9 have been trained to walk on flat ground. I suggest
that you mount ten.” (The Big Pun)
I usually won’t impersonate a high-school student without my water
bottle, but maybe this time I can teen. (The Big Pun)
When it comes to big arm chairs, I have a deep-seated fear (Pun of the Day)
Cooks have a lot of spice in their lives (Pun of the Day)
There are some cooks that had mushroom for improvement (Pun of the Day
The boxer liked to get up before “ten.” (Jumble)
Some of the inmates penned short stories while others penned poetry.
They were known as the PROSE VERSES CONS (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
The drycleaners skirted a pressing need for material profits, resulting
in de-pleated assets. (Pun of the Day)
How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket. (Pun of the Day)
My uncle called my grandfather a deer when he let my antelope (Pun of
the Day
At the cosmetic counter, she received lip service. (Jumble)
Gardening Hint: For 'smart rose bushes' water them with beer. It makes
the bud wiser. (Very Punny)
Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship. (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the horse that is missing a bit? I got it from the
horse's mouth! (Pun of the Day)
One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember
the mane (Pun of the Day
A Californian man has invented a robotic parking attendant. He's calling
it the Silicon Valet. (Very Punny)
"How many pounds in this bag of feathers?" he asked the soothsayer. "Let
me put it here on my back. Hmm, it's goes at about fourteen ounces," she
said soothingly. You see, he weighed down upon the swami's liver. (Intl
Save the Pun Fnd)
To write with a broken pencil is pointless. (Pun of the Day)
Some girls get so love sick, they take the first pill that comes along.
(Very Punny)
COMICS
Two policemen are carrying out a crazed Ace Rubber Band Company
employee, and one of them says "Same old story. One minute he's fine,
the next minute he just snapped" (Mother Goose & Grimm: Mike Peters)
“I’ve got a question about weddings. Shouldn’t the “Best Man” get the
girl and the “groom” help[ him dress?” (Wizard of Id: Parker & Hart) .
“Your ad in ‘Rolling Stones’ doesn’t mention that none of your songs has
ever approached the top 40.””Right there, ‘Sales of my songs are always
off the charts.’” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“Miss Fishbreath, what’s your favorite rock group?” “Mt. Rushmore.”
“Geeze, with her it’s always business.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
“All weapons must be checked before you’re seated, Sir.” “We checked
them. They work fine.” (Hagar the Horrible: Chris Browne)
ONE-LINERS:
A fascist recently went blind. Now he's a neo not see. But upon medical
examination, the doctors found his head was empty. They said it was
Aryan there. (Nehmo Sergheyev)
I used to be a Scrabble champion, but I became inconsonant and couldn't
control my vowels. (Richard Lederer)
Leaving your car radio on will run down your battery. If you want to run
down your entire car, you will need a car berater.(Gary Hallock)
When I asked the folks at the department store if they had an escalator,
you should have seen the stairs I got.(Gary Hallock)
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. (Gail S. Angel)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat (Joan Adams).
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of
beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf
club."You'll be driving later," replies the bartender. (Aha Jokes)
I can put sugar on my cereal just as well with left hand as with my
right. I am bi-dextrose. (David Reihmer)
Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to a doctor for some help?
When he told the doctor his problem, the doctor said, "So, what are you
taking for it?" (Tony Thoennes)
A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys andsaid, "I'm sorry,
you can't sell that stuff without a license."The peddler replied, "I
knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason." (Heidi)
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying. (Doug Helsel)
If your baby's one-eyed doctor got all his education from reading the
World Book, wouldn't that make him an encyclopediatrician? (Gary Hallock)
Could the saddle sores incurred from hours of driving a cab be
considered as Taxidermititis? (Bradley Williams)
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. (Joan Adams)
Malpractice insurance premiums are so high, you'd think the attorneys
are on a surgeon destroy mission. (David Reihmer)
A publisher who specializes in novels about zombies, goblins, and
demons has just established Dybbuk-of-the-Month Club. (Syman Hirsch)
You can have an open mind without having a hole in your head. (Richard Lederer)
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. (Gail S. Angel)
If a restaurant isn't sweet to its chefs, they might dessert. (William Brabant)
If you imagine you're going to get rich quick buying and selling houses,
it may be time for a realty check. (Gary Hallock)
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause. (Curly David)
Some people don't like food going to waist. (William Brabant)
You gotta be very careful not to give offence when designing those
little pictures signifying folders, programs etc. that come up on
people's computer screens. You gotta use icon tact. (Johann von
Haupkopf)
Learning about hara-kiri was a real I opener. (David Reihmer)
If group of silent partners open a massage parlor where they are able to
extract financial data on Wall Street, you have inquiring mimes who
knead to know. (Patrick Tinney)
If need extra cash fast, keep your money in an Irish bank. I hear their
capital is always Dublin (Gary Hallock)
When my husband and I play Scrabble, it's his word against mine. (Renee
From Napa)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Joan Adams)
The fear of St. Nicholas has been designated by psychiatrists as
Claus-Trophobia (Daryl Stout).
The little Euclidyptis grew and grew, and at last said, "Gee, I'm a
tree." (David Reihmer)
No, I haven't found Jesus. Have you lost him again? (Renee From Napa)
I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into
a giant vat of milk by-product. "I'm sorry", I said. "Am I in your
whey?" (Doug Helsel)
The potato refused to marry Dan Rather because he was just a common
tator. (Dave Coble)
If you want to grab a quick buck, you'll need a telescopic sight on your
deer rifle. (Gary Hallock)
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. (Lloyd)
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first
call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." (Doug
Helsel)
One of those currently popular Indian gurus hops around a great deal
more than his fellow contemplators. That's why he's known as the Kan
Guru. (Syman Hirsch)
A plateau is a high form of flattery. (Joan Adams)
My mother’s mother was the first professional computer pro-grandma.
(Gary Hallock).
GROANERS:
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect
flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new
instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one
student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and
swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a
bee?" another student asked. "Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat." (Pastor Tim)
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in
the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to
find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had
over 20 years of experience. "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my
son asked. The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts." (Joan Adams)
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I
think so, " the man replied. "My wife has made appe- tizers and we have
a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all our
guests. "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?" "Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of
beer and a case of whiskey." (Helen Jordan)
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender
delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender
replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is
that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown
paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper
shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender. (Jim Potter)
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who
whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house." "Not in the House,"
her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but never in the
House." (Joan Adams)
A Couple were driving along in the rain when the rain increased in
strength. the wife said."Joseph, I've never seen rain like this. The
drops are as big as golf balls." He replied," That's not rain. That's
hail, Mary!!" (William Brabant)
My eight-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out.
We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten
the moment, I asked my wife, the paralegal, "What do you suppose the
tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?" "Nothing," she replied. "She wants
the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth." (Arco Max)
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know,
Benny's a a walking economy."His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair
line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of
these together are putting him into a deep depression."(Doug Helsel)
Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were
arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and
didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing
that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret
ingredient, code named "Yewin". The other man argued adamantly. "No, No,
No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum. (Aha Jokes)
A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in
a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly
prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down
by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he
returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced
on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't read between the lions. (Renee
From Napa)
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is
coming." (Pastor Tim)
Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the
check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and
unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr.
Stanford Summers." (Jokes Central)
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew
what the Rowe vs. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while
pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said , "I
think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the
Delaware." (Bambi)
A software developer friend of mine was telling me about this new game
that his company is developing. It features members of a powerful
military caste in 12th to 18th century feudal Japan. It includes martial
arts like judo but mainly involves a lot of swordplay. Higher class
members are even allowed to fight on horseback. It culminates with gory
stuff like committing hara-kiri. A lot of ideas have been taken from the
famous 1954 movie by Akiro Kurosawa. My take on it ..... Some More
I-Rubbish ! (Gunjan Saraf)
Jimmy's class was having a lesson in English grammar. The teacher called
on Jimmy to give an example of a sentence with a direct object. After
thinking it over, Jimmy stood up and said, 'Teacher, everybody thinks
you are beautiful.' 'Why, thank you, Jimmy,' replied the teacher, 'but
what is the direct object?' 'A good report card next month.' was the
reply. (Syman Hirsch)
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern
California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including
safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I walked into our
shop at lunchtime, a coworker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!" (Heidi)
A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales
Rep, "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your
house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and
you still haven't sent us a single payment." The customer replied, "But
you said they'd pay for themselves in 12 months!" (Gail S. Angel)
An airlines reservation clerk was really getting sleepy at 4 AM when she
took a call that turned out to be a "heavy breather." She listened
quietly for a couple of minutes of his lewd descriptions of what he
wanted to do to her...finally, she couldn't take anymore and said, "Sir,
call Delta, they're ready when you are..." (Michael Rogers)
DEFINITIONS:
Cyst: Your parent's daughter (Stan Kegel)
Organ Grinder: A machine used to make kidney pie (Jay Christie)
Barium: Medical undertakings. (Lars Hanson)
Resolution: Redissolving salt crystallized by evaporation (Stan Kegel)
Concert: A refreshing mint for inmates (Jay Christie)
Bastille: What the bars are made of in a French prison. (Norm Gilbert)
Antacid: The poison from the sting of a South American Fire Ant. (Stan
Kegel)
Parables: Twin male Bovine (Jay Christie)
See saw: Tool used by Moses to cut a passage in the Red Sea. (Gail S. Angel)å
Hopscotch: A mixed drink made with whiskey and beer (Gary Hallock)
Dilate: Live to be ninety (Stan Kegel)
Celery: Getting rid of Lawrence in return for money (Jay Christie)
Secretary: A stenographer who watches her periods. (Bob Sachae)
Socialite: just like a socialist, but with fewer calories. (Renee From
Napa)
Flatulate: "I'm sorry, you blew it. The apartment is already taken."
(Norm Gilbert)
Liability: The art of convincing others of your innocence. (Stan Kegel)
TOM SWIFTIES:
“I insist we name him Stuart after my dad,” Tom argued stubbornly. (Stan Kegel)
"I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably. (Richard Lederer)
"I don't see Edward", Tom noted. (Gill Krebs)
Those prisoners who escaped down the rope fell into the river," said Tom
concurrently (Gary Hallock)
"Let's trap that sick bird," said Tom illegally (Gill Krebs)
"I have grape beverages," Tom whined with clarity (Richard Lederer) .
"I lost my trousers," said Tom expansively. (Gill Krebs)
I'm drawing the butter," Tom clarified fatuously. (Gill Krebs)
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. (Richard Lederer)
POETRY
Once, when in college,
I sought a sweet girl just for
Caramel knowledge (John S. Crosby)
A young orphan whose ancestors, great
Owned the land which is Texas, of late
Gave the judge a tough task
When the lad came to ask
"Please make me award of the state." (Gary Hallock)
Old Bart was so often degraded
By those large butted women he dated
But old Bart's now departed
It seems that one farted
He died happy though, ass fixated. (Gary Hallock)
BLOOPERS:
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night. (Richard Lederer)
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: "Someone from the Guyna
Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you
liked beer." (Ladyhawke)
She has never been married and I think was divorced. (Richard Lederer)
An ad in the local paper read: 'We do not tear your laundry with
machinery -- we do it by hand.' (Joey Adams)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Have you heard about the secretary who was making it with her boss when
his wife walked in?
She had to change her position. (Richard Lederer)
If we are what we eat , I could be you by morning. (Sandra Williams)
Have you heard about the woman who was fired from working at the sperm
bank?
They caught her drinking on the job. (Richard Lederer)
My elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" I can't
believe she died this way! "Officer, can't you find SOME way to cover up
the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously
serviced by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn,"
soothed the police officer, "I'll just put it in my report that she died
at the stroke of two." (Marty D.)
A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant
topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He
looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give
out bloody Mary’s." (Mike Rogers)
How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it. (Curly David)
My girlfriend said if I didn't start paying her more attention, she was
going to invite that new FedEx driver in and give him the best head he's
ever had. Of course I bet her that she couldn't. It takes those guys 24
hours to come, and she only went six hours with the UPS guy. (Donald Junter)
What did the woman at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
Get out of my son! (Bad Humor)
Have you heard about the masseur who was fired from his job?
He kept rubbing his clients the wrong way. (Richard Lederer)
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching
two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad
said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "The other pad
responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts." (Red Babe)
Have you heard about the movie star who lost popularity with his fans
when he appeared in a blue movie?
They were disappointed with his small part. (Richard Lederer)
He: "I'm not myself tonight."
She: "Well, whoever you are, it's certainly an improvement." (Stan Kegel)
Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had
three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher
tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then
asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" She frowned,
gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five
and don't call me 'Dizzy'!" (Ms. Kitty)
A gay masochist is a sucker for punishment. The Daily Joke)
Subpoena: From the root 'sub', below, and the Latin 'poena' for male
organ or penis. Therefore, 'below the penis' or 'by the balls.' (E4 Fun)
Have you heard about the male and female ventriloquist's dummies?
They screwed their heads off. (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
He was feeling down in the dumps (Renee From Napa)
Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians? There were no
studs it was all tongue in groove. (William Brabant)
The only thing we don´t have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I
hear that that´s coming quickly." ("History of the World: Part 1")
After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson
called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped
into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a
sixty-three-year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six
bucks tops." (Jokes Uncut)
Do you know the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
A big cat will scratch and bite. But a little pussy never hurt anybody. (Laff-a-day)
What's all this moaning about cub scout leaders? I had a great leader -
or Akela - when I was a cub scout of 8 years- old. Most weekends he
would take us all camping. He'd teach us stuff like field craft, knot
tying and how to suck out the poison from a snake bite. I have to say,
though, he was one unlucky fellah. The amount of times he got bitten by
a poisonous snake on his cock was unbelievable. (Paul Jones)
Have you heard about the male and female ventriloquist's dummies?
They screwed their heads off. (Richard Lederer)
Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good
screw to fix it. (Myrddin)
The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym.
He ambled over and said, "Hey babe. What do you say to a little private
training session?" She replied, "What do you have in mind?" He stared at
her crotch and leered, "I feel like working on the snatch." She
retorted, "I think you should head for the showers." "Why?" She pointed
at his crotch and said, "You'll have to settle for the clean and jerk."
(Michael Rogers)
A menstrual cycle has three wheels. (Rodney Lee)
Did you hear about the new study that says, "Sex decreases your chances
of getting a cold?" The more sex you have, the less chance you'll have a
cold. Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say, "Hey, I got
something for that." (Renee From Napa)
Living with Bob is like playing checkers. Every time I make a move, he
jumps me. (Knight Craft)
Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera?
His ass was in Jeopardy! (Piggley Wiggley)
What do you call a guy who is sexually attracted to tramps?
A hobosexual (Ken Pinkham)
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went
up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and
asked, "And what would you like?" "What would I like? I'd like to wrap
my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down
your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs,
up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like
to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth.
And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples
lightly... But what I came to buy is a new tie." (Goatboy)
I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at
everything. For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but
he sucked on the organ (E4Fun)