Puns of the Weak 01-16-04 Part 2 The Puns
Stan Kegel
JEST FOR KIDS
Why did the chocolate chip cookie visit the doctor?
He was feeling crummy. (Andrea)
What’s the difference between the Amazon River and a Jewish delicatessen?
In the Amazon you can see a man-eating piranha In a Jewish delicatessen
you can see a man eating herring (Stan Kegel)
How did Henry the Eighth differ from other suiters?
He married them before he axed them (Bennett Cerf)
What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them. (Douglas Helsel)
Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (William Braban)
How did the girl zombie know the boy zombie liked her?
He said, "You really kill me." (Kids Jokes)
Why won’t circus lion won't eat clowns?
Because they taste funny. (Mike Bull)
How come cheetahs never go on vacations?
They can't find the right spot! (Shelynn, 12)
What do you do with a blue whale?
You cheer it up! (Lisa, 10)
Did you hear about the comedian owl?
He was a real hoot. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hello, honey!" (Joseph Rosenbloom)
If you lose your hand, where can you get a new one?
From a palm tree (Cynthia MacGregor)
How could you tell the tailor was tired?
He was panting. (Mike Benny)
What did the nut say when it sneezed?
Cashew! (Simon Hirsch)
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A staircase. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
How do you make a Mexican chili?
Take him to the North Pole. (Kids Jokes)
What do you give a retired bus driver?
A token of appreciation. (Mike Benny)
What did the bus driver do with the thief?
Let him off. (Mike Benny)
What did the British driver say to the one-legged hitchhiker with no arms
and three eyes?
"Aye-aye-aye, you look 'armless. Hop in." (Jim Ertner)
What's the capital of France?
F! (Kirsten, 8)
'What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran. (Simon Hirsch)
Why was Cinderella not good at football?
Because she had a pumpkin as a coach! (Star, 11)
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them (Daily Groaner)
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words! (Abby, 7)
A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said,
"Is the bar tender here?" (Mike Bull)
When is the best time to buy a bird?
When it goes cheep! (Helen, 9 )
Where does satisfaction come from?
A satisfactory. (William Braban)
What did the geometry teacher say when she lost her parrot?
Where's my polygon? (Andrea)
Why did the photography student get an “A”?
Because his work was picure perfect (Junble)
What did the girl spirit say to the boy spirit?
"You don't stand a ghost of a chance with me." (Kids Jokes)
What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?
A pocket watch. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped. (Mike Benny)
Where to farmers keep baby ears of corn?
In the corn crib. (Andrea)
What kind of ants are the worst?
The Pollutants and the Contaminants. (Mike Artell)
What goes around a yard but doesn't move?
A fence. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
How can you tell if there is an elephant sleeping in your bed?
Look for peanut shells. (Kids Jokes)
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the refrigerator?
The door won't shut. (Kids Jokes)
COMICS
“You can now make your offerings on a church credit card and there is no
penalty for late payment, We call it the Amazing Grace Period.” (Shoe”
Cassatt & Brookins)
“My side hurts, Dr, Zock!” “Of course it does, Hagar … Remember how I said
the medicine you took might produce side effects?” (Hagar the Horrible:
Chris Browne)
Good day! In the news: A man convicted of computer fraud escaped from jail
today by tying together some old spread sheets … (PC & Pixel: Thach Bui)
Crime does not pray (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“This story about crowds of women flocking to a hair-dresser.” “The girly
herd gets the perm!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
A credit Bureau is a house of ill report (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
If people keep taking advantage of you, it might be time for you to “NO”
better! (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
“Answer the door, Frank.” On the door, a sign says: “What’s the capital of
Rhode Island?” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Smiling psychics are happy mediums. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
One potatohead to another: “I think Mr. Celery is stalking me.” (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“Very impressive resumé. I see you’ve been fired over 47 times!” Sign on
wall: “Human Cannonball” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
When was the fall of the Roman Empire?
Right after the Roman summer. (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
“Here’s a report about a Colorado appliance salesman involved in an auto
mishap …” “Denver Blender vendor in fender bender!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves)
ONE-LINERS:
Mick Jagger had a heck of a time at the hematology clinic. They poked him
in the arm, between his fingers, in his groin, between his toes. All to no
avail. You can't get blood out of a Stone. (Jason Dias)
When Archimedes got up out of the bath and noticed how much water had
spilled out of the tub, he said, "I've got to get out of displace!" (Gary Hallack)
If a butterfly relieves itself in flight is it a raining monarch? (Bob Dvorak)
The time of the Pharaohs was the advent of rock music. Yes, even when the
mummies were alive, they were still in the band ages. (Jason Dias)
When should a Moyel retire?
When he can't cut it anymore. (Bert Juda)
[Moyel = Rabbi who does circuncisions]
What did the Washington Redskins nickname their front four?
Why, foreskins, of course. (Paul Cooper)
My wife made a wonderful Mexican sauce and served it over Swiss cheese. I
said, "Holy mole." She said, "Yes." (Jason Dias)
And knowing money is a root of evil, in Christian charity, he'd take away
whatever things may hinder your salvation. (Molier)
The vice squad busted the exotic dancers at the topless club and business
came to a grinding halt. (Gary Hallock)
And when I'm ticked off I don't tock right either! (Gunjan Saraf)
What did the sailors like best about there leave overseas?
It was duty free. (Jumble)
A confirmed bachelor is a man who goes through life without a hitch. (Venkatesh)
Skydiving . . . good to the last drop. (Irene A. Mystery)
The colts like to horse around. (Jumble)
The US Postal Service going to issue postage with pictures of products from
Cartier, Heuer, Rolex, and Bulova -- they'll be Time Stamps. (Bob Dvorak)
The US Postal Service is considering issuing a series of postage products
with different varieties of palm fruits - - Date stamps. (Clynch Vernadore)
The US Postal Service is going to issue a "Man of the Year" series -- TIME
Stamps. (Bob Dvorak)
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. (Mike Bull)
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. (John Kenneth Galbraith)
Our four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive
those who put trash in our baskets (Deb)
Nose-blowing may be fashionable, but that 'snot my style. (Brad Simanek)
Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any
money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
(Jill K.)
In 1910 The first Army Dental Unit was formed. They had a good Drill Team.
(Daryl Stout)
I believe that God was right to give us life, but He should have left open
the possibility of parole. (Dr. Mike)
When Mom watched the sitcom while hemming a skirt, she was in stitches (Jumble)
An electrician wrote horror stories after work. His very first short story
was a real shocker. (Cryptoquotes)
Crackers have become popular after being a wafer awhile. (Daryl Stout)
When potato chips don't sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be
crunch time. (Pun of the Day)
I know a guy who became a vegetarian because he couldn't make ends meat.
(Syman Hirsch)
Trigonometry was a dying science when Bartholomew Pitiscus considered the
solving of a plane triangle on earth and brought it back to popularity.
Truly, a niche in time saved sine. (Percy Panthaki)
Animals are slaughtered for meat at a tender age. (Pun of the Day)
Miniature cocktail: You drink one and in a miniature out." (Henny Youngman)
When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only Christmas gift and found two
baby teeth inside, she ran upstairs bawling. Funny, that's *all* she raved
about wanting last year. (Brad Simanek)
When he took the deep sea diving test, he was in over his head. (Jumble)
If Sonny Bono had cloned his wife many times and matched wits with them at
scrabble, could he have played musical Chers? (Jason Dias)
The fire chief was always asked burning questions. Pun of the Day)
The aging fashion editor was upset by those head lines. (Jumble)
Well, Doc, about the only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions, and
pushing my luck. (Syman Hirsch)
The tailors hired the young apprentice because he measured up. (Jumble)