Puns of the Weak 04-18-03
Stan Kegel
O Henry Pun–off World Championships
Austin, Texas Sat. 5-3-03. Admission Free
For Information: <httm://www.punpunpun.com>
IN THE NEWS
Iraq's Al-Sahhaf slyly fled
And off for Damascus he sped
"See, I told you we'd win
Won't you please let me in?"
"Sir, you cannot be Syria's," they said
(Graham Lester)
The French tennis Open for this year has been cancelled due to a
national crisis. They have plenty of rackets but no balls. (Michael
Rogers).
President Clinton said he looked forward to the day a citizen could call
the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the
day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, “Sorry, that number
has been disconnected." (Jay Leno)
How can you identify a French Infantryman?
Sunburned armpits. (Daniel Kurtzman)
Colin Powell warned Syria not to make chemical or biological weapons. A
victory over Syria could be a public relations nightmare. If U.S. troops
have to free Damascus, the date of the city's liberation will be forever
known as VD Day. (Argus Hamilton)
Luciano Pavarotti will perform a benefit concert for Iraqi refugees. The
famous tenor plans to raise 3 million dollars for food. And after his
lunch, he’ll go sing. (Alan Ray)
Income tax is drawing near. Did you ever notice that if you take the
two words - "The" and "IRS" it spells "Theirs"? (John Price)
The only time the average child is as good as gold is April 15th. (Archives)
If the Lord had meant us to pay income taxes, he'd have made us smart
enough to prepare the return. (Kirk Kirkpatrick)
Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my
analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was
entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious
contribution. (Woody Allen)
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but they
wanted cash. (Archives)
Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that
you earn, you get 10 and they get 40. (Pete Richardson)
What's the title of the song about a guy in Dallas immersed in the
painful financial process of meeting the April 15th deadline? "
Steeped in the hurt of taxes." (Tyler Kaus)
I was making a speech on the Senate floor and I said, “Now, ladies and
gentlemen, let me tax your memories,” And Kennedy jumped up and said,
“Why haven't we thought of that before?” (Bob Dole)
What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them. (Jill K.)
A woman came up to the teller's window at the bank where I work. I
noticed that she looked dejected, and asked how I could help. The
customer said she needed to withdraw $2000 from Behind every successful
man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other
takes the cash. (Paul Benoit)
Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the
credit, and the other takes the cash. (Paul Benoit)
I wanted to deduct the cost of my daughter's wedding as a casualty loss.
After all she really made a terrible mistake marrying the man she did.
(Clean Laffs)
Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite
medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The
IRS has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be deducted
as a medical expense, but only if you file a joint return. (Pete Richardson)
The respiratory disease SARS has killed 30 people in Hong Kong and
infected over 1,000. Consequently, the Hong Kong Tourism Board has
dropped its new advertising slogan: "Hong Kong will take your breath
away!" and replaced it with "There's no place like Hong Kong." (WHSU,
Fairfield, CN)
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
(Daniel Kurtzman)
It was announced today that the Anaheim Angels will no longer be a
Mickey Mouse team. (Stan Kegel)
President Bush says that he does not need approval from the U.N. to wage
war... and I'm thinking, well, hell, he really didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president either, did he? (David Letterman)
Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring
all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a
sign of defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying
that the anti-Bush campaign has gone too far. (Bob W.)
All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic
considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners. (Jay Leno)
Now President Bush is saying Syria has weapons of mass destruction. Gee,
I wonder where he is headed with this. (David Letterman)
HOLIDAY PUNS
A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick
and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the
baby chick. Do you know why?
The baby chick was a little cheeper! (Kids Joke)
When the glaziers hid Easter treats for their kids in their workplace,
what did their offspring find?
Eggs and panes. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why doesn't the market sell rabbit pieces for cooking
Because the butcher won't split hares. (Stan Kegel)
At a sedar, participants should not partake of both chopped liver and
charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to charoses of
the liver! (Bob Levi)
A blind mans sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down beside him and
starts to eat some matzos. He gives a piece to the blind man. A couple
of minutes later, the blind man says "Who wrote this junk?" (Luke Davis)
At our seder, we had a whole-wheat and bran matzo, fortified with
Metamucil. the brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go"! (Bob Levi)
The museum of executions seemed to favor crucifixions, but, then again,
I was only able to view a small cross section of the exhibits. (Daniel Reihs)
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
With a hare dryer! (Kids Joke)
Crossing: Hymn sung at Easter services (Stan Kegel)
Easter: The direction of the wind blowing from Europe. (Cynthia MacGregor)
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a
little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!” (Les Pourcieu)
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
An Easter basket case! (Eric, 9)
How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
By hare mail! (Zachery, 11)
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
To a re-tail store! (Kids Joke)
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them! (Lewis, 8)
What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
You need an eggsplanation! (Phil, 7)
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
With a hare dryer! (Rita, 9)
What did one coloured egg say to the other?
"Heard any good yolks lately?" (Kids Joke)
Divorced Easter Bunnys = Split hares (Stan Kegel)
Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?
Because it's always on a sundae! (Kids Joke)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it. (Stan Kegel)
How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots.(Archives)
How can you tell if a clock is hungry?
It'll go back for seconds! (Cutie, 16 )
What do you call a high-priced barber shop?
A clip joint. (Peter Copeman)
Did you hear about the absent-minded Siamese twins?
Everything goes in one ear and out the brother. (Syman Hirsch)
Why did the shepard get a ticket?
Because he made a ewe turn. (Daily Groaner)
Where can you learn to make ice cream?
In sundae school! (Sophie, 9 )
What do you wear when you cut the lawn?
My laundress (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What candy is never on time?
Choco-late! (Kate, 10)
What kind of bird works at a construction site?
A crane! (Ty, 9)
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth? (Skyler, 10)
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat. (William Brabant)
What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse. (Kids Joke)
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well. (Lashell, 12)
What clothes does a house wear?
An address (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom at bedtime?
Sweep tight (Jake, 9)
In 1930 The first credit card was issued, and people got a charge out of
it. (Daryl Stout)
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. (Paul Cooper)
Why is swiss cheese served at church?
Because it's holey! (Colin, 8)
What kind of dress lasts the longest?
A house dress because it is never worn out (Mighty Funnies: Betty
Debnam)
Why did the robber wear blue gloves?
Because he didn't want to get caught red-handed! (Essence, 9 )
Why don't rabbits get hot in the summertime?
They have hare conditioning! (Ariola, 7)
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness. (William Brabant)
What do you call an insect’s car?
A buggy (Melissa, 11)
What is the loudest sport?
Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet (Kids Joke).
Who was voted best dressed in the ocean?
The swordfish - he always looked sharp. (Kaira, 10)
What is the most important subject a witch learns in witch school?
Spelling. (Kids Joke)
What do you call a bug that jumps over cups?
A glasshopper! (Haley, 11)
If you tell a falsehood in your sleep, you are lying in bed.(Pun of the
Day)
What do you give an elephant with diarreha?
Lots of Room (Curt Dayton)
Why was the lightbulb failing tests?
Because he wasn't too bright! (Colleen, 10)
How did the starfish pay for his burger?
With a sand dollar! (Prateek, 14)
I just had ten cavities taken care of.
I guess you had your fill. (Syman Hirsch)
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet. (Siglets)
What kind of jam would you not want to eat?
A traffic jam! (Michael, 11)
He had insomnia, so he moved closer and closer to the edge of the bed,
and soon dropped off.(Mike Bull)
The boxer's girlfriend was a knockout. (Pun of the Day)
A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead. (Douglas
Helsel)
RIDDLES
There's more than one way to skin a cat. What might you call a German
opera that deals with an alternate way to dissect a rat?
Die Fillet der Mouse (Gary Hallock)
Did you hear about the horticultural psychic?
She reads palm trees. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
What happens when you take Viagra and Prozac at the same time?
You get a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where. (Daily Groaner)
"What do you call a hungry shark from Tennessee?"
Chattanooga chew chew. ( James Ertner )
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A Cairo practor. (Conrad L. Macina)
Are birth control pills tax deductible?
Only if they don't work. (Luke Davis)
If you have an average African antelope with oxlike head and horns, and
a fellow who does alterations on clothes for a living, what do you have?
You have a typical gnu and tailor too. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What do you call a run-of-the-mill personal religious teacher and
spiritual guide in Hinduism who also lays down ceramics?
A typical guru and tiler too.(Bob Levi)
Emmanuel was so ill, and none of the doctors could find what was wrong.
He tried generalists, various specialists, but all to no avail. Finally
in desperation his wife told him to visit the beauty salon--and that
proved to be exactly the right advice. Why?
The salon was an expert at Manny cures. (Cynthia MacGregor)
A fan of astrology built his own telescope to better study the
constellations. One day he met a girl who claimed she was born under a
certain sign but he suspected she was lion. For long hours each evening
he charted the heavens to answer a burning question. What was it?
Is that gal a leo? (Gary Hallock)
What do you call a doctor who specializes in injuires to dancers?
A choreopractor. (Conrad L. Macina)
If an Indian builds a tent in your small boat, then sits in it to
expound on the rules regarding the proper use of neckwear, what do you
have?
A teepee canoe and tie law too (Cynthia MacGregor)
COMICS
People on pedestals have to watch their every step. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
“I want to return these animal crackers.” “Why?” “The seal was broken.”
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Ernie is carrying a stack of “33s” with titles such as “Tax for the
Memories” “Old MacDonald Had a Form” “Amazing Gross” and “Don’t Be
Accrual”: “I’m being audited by the IRS but I’m coming fully prepared.”
“What are you bringing those for?” “”The auditor said, ‘Bring all your
tax records.” “I don’t think that’s exactly what he had in mind.” “Darn!
I knew I should have brought my CDs, too!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
The Pillsbury Doughboy is lying in bed and says to his mother, “I won’t
be rising today.” The caption says, “The Doughboy Celebrates Passover.”
(Off The Mark: Mark Parisi)
“I tried on that red dress in the window of Dingle’s Department Store
today.” “Yeah, I heard. You know, Marge, they do have dressing rooms.”
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
St. Peter talking to angel: “Sorry, but our computers are down. If you
insist on checking your e-mail, I’m afraid I’ll have to tell you to go
to Hell.” (Pics-R-Us: Douglas Helsel)
Some people just don’t have the stomach for dieting. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
People don’t run into debt. They drive into it. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
To Adam & Eve: I didn’t say, “Be fruitful and multiply.” I said, “Eat
fruit. It’s good for the eyes.” (Natural Selection: Russ Wallace)
“And last, but not least, it has come to my attention that during our
last siege several new members of the Flaming Arrow brigade may have had
a slight misunerstanding when given the command ‘Hold your fire!’”
Commandet to soldiers lined up with a bag of arrows on their back and
their left hand bandaged. (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)
Woman ringing a bell: “Do something. No response at all, you silly cat.
Does the name Pavlov mean anything to you?” Cat: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
(Reality Check, Dave Whamond)
ONE-LINERS:
Romeo Beckham got his first chance to play for Man U at Old Trafford, So
he asked his dad what number he should wear and his dad said thought for
a minute and said, "Wear 4 out there, Romeo." (Paul Cooper)
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. (Venkatesh/Very Punny)
Watches can be displayed and sold on a time table..(Pun of the Day)
Oedipus, schmedipus, the important thing is that he loves his mother
(Jill K.)
Can you rectumend a good proctologist? (Gary Hallock)
She was suspected of stealing a brooch but they couldn't pin it on her.
(Pun of the Day)
Royal chairs are rarely throne out. (Pun of the Day)
Sea captains have a love of port. (Mike Bull)
A computer store takes inventory to monitor progress including a
disk-count. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
When the banker sought payment on the overdue loan, he stayed calm and
“collected”. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The Bakers Union hired a loafer. (Daryl Stout)
My friend Maud is only twenty-five, but she's been married three times.
And all her husbands have been named William. She’s a regular Bill
collector! (Beckie Shiles)
When cashing a check at a bank, the teller asked me if I wanted large
bills. I had to tell her no, they won't fit in my wallet, just give me
the regular size. (Max Moore)
Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so
correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without
water." (Douglas Helsel)
If you lean over a balcony and cut open a rotton peach you will see the
pitfall (Pun of the Day)
The mobster played on the baseball team because he was a “hit” man.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. (E4Fun)
How come so many kids today are getting various parts of their body
pierced? Well, when their friends are all doing it, they feel pressured
to do it, too. You could call it pierce pressure. (Tyler Kaus)
Truckers like houses with long haulways.(Pun of the Day)
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrrea, does that mean 1 out of 5
enjoy it? (Mike Kott)
Plumbers sometimes have pipe dreams (Pun of the Day)
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a
match for her sock. The blonde replied, “What for? Are you going to set
it on fire!” (Paul Cooper)
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
don't have a leg to stand on. (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure. (Carol)
The astronomy column had a lot of space. (Mike Bull)
What do you call the medical condition in which the front ends of the
feet "go to sleep" for a long period of time? Coma-toes . (Tyler Kaus)
When I walked into the lawyer's office he gave a plaintiff cry (Pun of
the Day)
"He sat in the magician's audience dressed as a cactus. He was a plant."
(Pun of the Day)
In 1926 The first Dentist's Banquet was held. It was $100 a plate
dinner...$50 for the upper, and $50 for the lower. (Daryl Stout)
Soon after a man had consumed a huge amount of a popular food made from
soy beans, he came down with a strange case of influenza. This resulted
in his toes becoming very swollen. He was diagnosed as having toeflu .
(Tyler Kaus)
I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my
donor card instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg . . .
(Keith Todd)
GROANERS:
I once tried to write a union song for the Public Service Alliance of
Canada (commonly know as PSAC, pronounced pee-sack). The song was strong
lyrically and rhythmically but it really lacked melodic flow and
harmonic balance. It was a real PSAC Rap! (Glenn Gardner)
The woman's new bikini was too tight, and she itched and chafed and
really felt miserable without realizing the reason. She consulted her
GYN, who, after several questions, determined the cause and told the
woman to cease wearing the offending garment. The symptoms, however,
persisted a few days further, prompting her to confide to a friend, "The
thong is gone, but the malady lingers on." (Cynthia MacGregor)
The first man to reach Mars had barely crawled out of his Spaceship when
he was approached by a group of strange-looking creatures. They had
faces covered with long green hair with eyes that looked like the
headlights of a subway train. "Who are you?", gasped the astronaut."We
are the Furries," they explained. "Take me to your Leader", said the
astronaut. Well, the leader looked just like all the other Furries, with
one additional feature. Out of the top of his head grew a large
hypodermic needle. "What are YOU called?" stammered the astronaut. "I",
answered the Leader, "Am the Furrie with the Syringe on top." (Marty Dee)
The driver of a tractor trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an
empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the
wreckage and looked around. Within a matter of minutes, another truck
pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken
piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance
on it, then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half
hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that
white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief
said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste." (Coop's Jokes)
My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The bathrooms
had excessively mirrored walls, but his wife preferred not to look at
herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to
place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view. "Now I don't think
there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom," I told my
uncle, "You should be able to sit and reflect." (Alan B. Combs)
Lights have many uses, for example laser surgery is performed with
knee-on lights. Of course a study of optics makes light reading, and you
can use it for light conversation. Some people are happy when there is
sudden darkness because they are de-lighted. Others say, "thanks a
watt". You can decide what kind of bulbs to buy by a process of
illumination. Brilliant, don't you think? (Mike Bull)
Our guide in Africa warned us that he had just spotted a leopard. I told
him to quit clowning around, that leopards are spotted at birth. Three
hundred stitches later, I realized the magnitude of my error. (Michael Cunningham)
A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their
daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was
feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help
him. In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?" In
a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men,
sir." (Douglas Helsel)
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's
atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way
out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he
wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells
and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large,
somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot. "Did
I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay." (Marsha
Coleman)
A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What
did you learn in algebra class today, son?" "Well, I learned Pi R
Squared," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied,
"you may think I am stupid, but everybody knows that pies are round."
(Curly David)
I'm a math teacher, and to liven up my classes, I sometimes launch into
a really bad Elvis Presly impersonation. I'll begin problems by singing,
"Solve Me Tender," and end them by saying, "Thank yew. Thank yew veruh
much," doing my best to sound like the King. My performances are almost
greeted with groans and rolling eyes. During one grueling afternoon, my
class was listless and unresponsive. "If you guys don't get with it," I
warned, "I'm gonna do my Elvis!" Then came a voice from the back. "Sir,"
one student pleaded, "don't be cruel." (Terry Tubman)
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus
had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The
poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried
doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him --
and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep!
That's what he gets for snorting quack. (Heidi/Firesongs)
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they
had to police the area. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men
had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly
listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines: the
clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned." (Jeff Laws)
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions
except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their
age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy
Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm
the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he wrote
on his form. (Bob Sachae)
Did you hear about the rabbi of the largest reform temple in
Philadelphia who was losing many of his congregants to the Quaker faith?
When someone asked him how he felt about this trend, the rabbi
responded, "I really don't mind because some of my best Jews are
Friends!" (Bob Levi)
DEFINITIONS:
Race: What emanates from the sun. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Rebate: What you do after catching a fish (Stan Kegel)
What's the difference between vision and sight?
Do you see those two girls sitting in the centre there?
Yes.
Well, the pretty one I would call a vision of loveliness, but the other
one - she's a sight. (Becky Shiles)
Racehorses - Assets a new bridle sometimes need to save for a reiny day
(Gary Hallock).
Repress: What you do when your suit is wrinkled (Stan Kegel)
Eclipse: Every month my dad gets the garden shears and eclipse the
hedge. (Geoff Tibballs)
Jewish Husband: A man who gives his wife the best ears of his life.
(David Bird & Ron Klinger)
Realize: Bona fide ocular orbs (Cynthia MacGregor)
Reverse: To revise a poem (Stan Kegel)
Raven: Enthusiastic praising of a book or movie (Stan Kegel)
Falsify: When I balance a book on my head, it falsify move.(Geoff
Tibballs)
Urinal: The one place where all men are peers. (Bill Stebbins)
Rampage; Section of an encyclopedia about male sheep. But ewe knew that
(Stan Kegel)
Rational: So logical as to cause you to break out and itch (Cynthia MacGregor)
POETRY
The boy really knew his math primer,
And was a scholastic climber.
He was very profuse
At multiplying by two's.
Yes, he was a real two-timer.
(Kirk Miller)
My cow gives no milk
She's lactose intolerant
Such an udder shame
(Melanie Stephens)
A cloned sheep farm
Early death from pre-aged genes
Ewe, that's disgusting
(Owen K. Lorian)
"People can travel," said Albert Einstein,
"The speed of light in a gadget of mine.
When my in-laws go fast
Back into the past,
Relatively speaking, they won't be mine."
(Kirk Miller)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"You're a mangy cur," Tom barked doggedly. (Richard Lederer)
"I had to regrade those essays," she remarked. (Weber & Bryan)
"My bicycle wheel is melting," Tom spoke softly. (Richard Lederer)
"We're going to have leftover cutlets tonight," she revealed. (Weber & Bryan)
"I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly. (Richard Lederer)
"The chorus must sing again," Tom required. (Weber & Bryan)
"The only other lodge is a hundred miles from here," said Tom as a last
resort (Weber & Bryan)
"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly. (Richard Lederer)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
ARGUS MAKES OFFER TO SCREW CO. STOCKHOLDERS (Richard Lederer)
The Mets have got their leadoff hitter on only once this inning. (Ralph Kiner)
Public service announcement overheard on a small New England radio
station: "So if you need assistance with your call, just dial
one-one-three, and a cheerful call girl will be at your service."
(Kermit Schafer)
All his saves this season have come in relief appearances (Ralph Kiner).
VENEREAL DISEASE IS LINKED TO CRACK (Richard Lederer)
SPORTSCASTER: Jack Kachave, with a bad knee, limps back to the huddle.
He wants to play this game in the worst way . . . and that's exactly
what he is doing! (Kermit Schafer)
WOMAN TO DROP SUIT FOR SPERM (Richard Lederer)
Sign on an Italian Restaurant: 'We offer pizza and Quiet!' (Syman
Hirsch)
BREAST IMPLANTS SEIZED BY MARSHALS (Richard Lederer)
NEWSCASTER: The committee for the charity bazaar starting next Sunday at
the Methodist Church has assured us that there will be plenty of booze
selling . . . I don't mean booze . . I mean that there will be plenty of
booths selling. (Kermit Schafer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
They are now selling chocolate tampons to cover the Easter period.
(Peter Clark)
I was on stage last night talking. I said, “You know the diaphragm is a
pain in the ass.” Someone yelled out, “You are putting it in the wrong
place.” (Carole Montgomery)
As a doctor, I sometimes find it difficult to relate to my patients. For
instance, an old lady complained about waking up all stiff. To me,
that's the start of a great day! (Rob Laramee)
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They
are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6
inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she
takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match. On
the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot
believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" The
woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it
was much harder!" (Luke Davis)
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the
evening, the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See
here," she shouted indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm
going to tell you 'no.’” "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can
start making some progress."(Playboy)
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement. (Daily Groaner)
Two lesbians decide to have a kid. Well as you all know women can't
impregnate women, so they go to an adoption agency. The agency says, "We
have to do some background research on your life first, and then we'll
decide if you can adopt." So time passes and the agency does what it has
to do. The couple returns and asks about the agency's progress, and the
agency says, "Sorry, we don't sell minors to lickers." (Tiger)
Advertising age reports that a french company is coming out with a new
version of Tampax and intends to challenge the American brands dominance
of the international market. They're slogan and logo will be: "We May
Not Be Number One But We're Still Up There!" (BIC’s Jokers Wild)
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll ever be able
to get over you--so would you mind answering the pnone?" (Patricia B).
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a
fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered
the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature
ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" (Laffaday)
The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman? (Luke Davis)
A well-known lawyer friend of ours informs us that the difference
between making love to a girl and making love to a woman can be as much
as 20 years in some states.(Playboy)
A little old man shuffled ... slowly ... into an ice cream parlor ...
pulled himself ... slowly ..... painfully ... up onto a stool. After
catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "Nope," he replied, "arthritis." (Bradley Williams)
The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Miss
Agnes S. Stevens, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her
initials. (Patricia B).
What is the difference between women and computers?
A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy. (Luke Davis)
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the
evening, the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See
here," she shouted indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm
going to tell you 'no.’” "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can
start making some progress."(Playboy)
A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken
English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418. A
short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees two
beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: "Have you ordered 2 shikses for
one night?" (Training to Laugh)
You grope for me in the dark. You put your hand in your pocket and
fiddle with me. I will only work in the right hole.
Keys (Archives)
Amazingly, the woman who brought charges against Marv Albert has
announced that she wants to be sportscaster. NBC gave her an audition
but she sucked. (Luke Davis)
re you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects
the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is
responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. (Humor Dose)