Puns of the Weak 03-07-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
he U.S. government denied Thursday that its new airline passenger
screening system employs racial profiling. It decides whether each
passenger is a red, yellow or green risk. You had better not be in any
hurry if you are Indian, Asian or airsick. (Argus Hamilton)
The family debate over what to do with Ted Williams continues. The
youngest son reminds a lot of people of his dad. In other words, he's a
chip off the old block. (Alan Ray)
The Drudge Report says CBS' 60 Minutes has hired Bill Clinton and Bob
Dole to do a point-counterpoint debate every Sunday night. They are
natural opponents. One is the paid spokesman for Viagra and the other is
the best argument against it. (Argus Hamilton)
Gas prices continue to rise. Oil company execs blame instability in the
marketplace. Caviar is getting damn expensive. (Alan Ray)
Gas prices are so high that when I pulled into a station and asked for a
dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind my ears. (Gunjan
Saraf)
America Online is in big financial trouble. The company's 21 million
subscribers may see half of the technical support staff terminated.
And, officials will flip a coin to see which one goes. (Alan Ray)
HOLIDAY PUNS
One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a
well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one
of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry,"
said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession. Marjorie
had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very cold day in
March their mother suggested that Beatrice could keep warm by donning
Marjorie's stole. It was noted that, Bea wears the hides of Marj (Norm Gilbert)
Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the
field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The car
driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they
had just left. "ThanK the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We
only just got out of that field in time."
Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment
at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch
trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except
for those rusty old slides." Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware
the slides of Larch!"
Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into apiculture.
He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of his
friends. Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar went to visit him in his apiary
one spring day but was unable to locate the bee colonies. He did,
however, encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a
nearby flower so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where're the hives of
March?" (Gary Hallock)
An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a
ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested
vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day"
he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock." (Archives)
I remember the carnival used to come to town in the middle of March when
I was a child. The side-show had two-headed babies in formaldehyde in
jars and an 800 year old body ("...he is over eight - pause - HUNdred
years old and the flesh is still on the body..."). They also had the
ubiquitous carnival midway, punnishly labled "The Rides of March".
(Clynch Varnadore)
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule
to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.
So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a
time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my
liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but my
riled Irish whoa's!"
JEST FOR KIDS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why she crossed it, I’ve not been told.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a suit and the dog just pants. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the gardener throw roses into the burning building?
He heard that flowers grew better in hothouses. (Kid's Jokes)
If you dropped a letter in the mud, what would you call it?
Blackmail (Mighty Funnies)
I've desided to write a work of fiction.
That's a Novel idea (Corny Puns)
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly. (Eileen, 9)
Which nut sounds like a sneeze?
A cashew! (Penny, 10)
What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hissstory! (Danielle, 11)
What music do rabbits listen to?
Hip Hop! (Chris, 10)
What do you call a wagon wheel maker?
A spokesperson (Alice, 13)
Why do cows wear bells ?
Because their horns won't work. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you call a baby kangaroo that can’t jump yet?
An offspring (Nicholas, 7)
How many sides does a circle have?
Two. The inside and the outside. (LAB Laughs)
What did the bee say to the rose?
"Hi Bud!"
What did the rose answer?
"Buzz off!" (Ryan, 10)
What do you call a giraffe's family reunion?
Necks of kin (Firesong)
What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.. (Archives)
Pet Owner : Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner
Vet: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double–crosser (Austin, 10)
What kind of paper makes the best paper airplanes ?
Fly paper. (Kid's Jokes)
What’s the difference between a barn and a fast dog?
One is a hay ground and the other a greyhound. (Lederer & Ertner)
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?"
The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
What do you call an insect’s car?
A buggy (Connor, 10)
What type of insect was discovered on the moon?
Lunar Ticks (Stan Kegel)
Why is a garden like a story?
They both have plots.(Jimmy, 8)
What do you call a skeleton who won't get out of bed?
Lazy bones! (Nigel, 9)
Did you hear about the dog that went to a flea circus?
He ate the whole show. (Lederer & Ertner)
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten. (Bill Brabant)
Why did the spy pull the sheets over his head ?
He was an undercover agent. (Kid's Jokes)
Why is an engaged girl like a telephone?
Because they both have rings. (Shawn, 6)
Why did the acorns cross the road?
Because they were nuts (Brittany, 9)
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka. (Corny Puns)
That's an amazing flea you have trained," said a tourist to he owner of
a flea circus. "Did you educate it yourself?"
"Yes," replied the owner, "I raised him from a pup." (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with." (Clean Cut Jokes)
What do you call a movie made by a con-artist that is very interesting?
A con-flick of interest! (Corny Puns)
What is a doughnut ?
A person who is crazy about money. (Kid's Jokes)
Why is a toupee like a secret?
Because you keep it under your hat. (Jan, 10)
RIDDLES
What apartment number does a person who can predict the future live in?
APARTMENT 4-C (Gary Hallack)
Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a skylight. How
did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
With flood lights (or Ark lights) (Stan Kegel)
What unit of measure do frogs use to describe the pain when they get
stabbed by a triune spear?
Gigahertz (Clynch Varnadore)
A engaged Japanese woman wanted a traditional wedding but was so taken
with American culture that she insisted on incorporating a long train
into her wedding gown. Thus when she walked down the aisle, the sight
made some wedding guests think of a strange and dangerous reptile. What
did they see?
A Kimono Dragon (Gary Hallock)
What 19th century novel is about a man who has a sex-change operation?
In a sense, a broad (Innocence Abroad) (Stan Kegel)
What strange form of brain disease might you contract from sharing
Cheerios or Corn Flakes with a former Beatle?
Cereal bowl paul-sy (Gary Hallock)
An ad agency and their brewing company client are planning on reviving a
once very popular advertising campaign. The plan is to use the same, but
now aged, critters to appeal to the middle aged beer drinker in a series
of promotions for the responsibility to think before your drink. What
will we now call the once famous critters?
Older but-weiser frogs. (Gary Reeves)
COMICS
“Why do they dub him ‘Lord of the Rings’?”
“He’s been married 11 times.” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
Nobody forgets where the hatchet is buried. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
An egghead is someone educated beyond his intelligence. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
He’s feeling ashamed. A couple of the other engineers caught him reading
a manual. (Working Daze: Noel & Zakour)
Mother breast feeding an infant says, “Ouch!” and hurriedly hands the
baby to her husband. He says to the baby, “An important lesson in life.
Never bite the gland that feeds you.” (For Better Or For Worse: Lynn Johnston)
Frank & Ernie’s Carrot Beet & Potato Farm: “Lunch break’s over. Shall we
return to our roots?” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“Having my nephew living with me really brightens up my home.” “Gives
your life meaning, huh?” “No. He never shuts off any lights.” (Shoe:
Cassatt & Brookins)
Do you have a Señor discount (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
The only thing the movies leave to the imagination is the plot,
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Doctor with a loving cup inscribed “Plastic Surgeon of the Year”: “I won
it by a nose!” (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
ONE-LINERS:
When the stock market goes down, it's a good time to acquire stocks. Liz
and her friend Laura always take advantage of such opportunities. They
figure it's a Buy Cycle Built for Two. (Cynthia MacGregor)
A girl can be poor on history but great on dates. (Playboy)
Laundry owners held a convention. They sat on bleachers. (Daryl Stout)
Some people go into martial arts just for kicks. (Pun of the Day)
A blind date can turn out to be an eyeful (Jumble)
A guy bought a skipping rope because his doctor prescribed pills for
two days running and then skip a day (Pun of the Day)
I wouldn't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come
up sliced. (Carol’s Humor)
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain
twice? (Marina)
Shapely limbs help many a girl to branch out. (Playboy)
Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said about
adultery. Turn to the New Testament however, and there we are admonished
to "Love our Neighbor" Go figure! (Renee from Napa)
The word 'marriage' has a nice 'ring' to it. For some people marriage is
a word, but to others, a sentence. (Mike Bull)
The Tarsals and Metatarsals lived in the foot of Italy. (Art Linkletter)
Bakers have a great knead to make bread (Pun of the Day)
When the starter got hurt, the reliever “pitched” in. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be
replaced by one paralegal? (Marina)
Do two normal people make one paranormal? (Marina)
Men are like steel because they are worthless when they lose their
temper. (Pun of the Day)
I hear that strangers are living in your basement. Of course, these are
only roomers. (The Big Pun)
Vanna White has been very sick these past couple of days. She hasn't had
a vowel movement since Thursday. (Renee from Napa)
On Vulture Airlines, you are only allowed one carrion item! (Corny Puns)
A few distinguished members of last season's Glee Club were
"re–choired" to sing again. (Marsha Coleman)
Trade winds are what sailors took along to bargain with the natives.
(Art Linkletter)
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. (E4Fun)
A preacher rehearsed his sermon over and over, In other words, he
practiced what he preached. (Gunjan Saraf)
Stop wasting time reading this memo on time wasting and waste time some
other time. (Top Five)
Ford announced today a new car built specifically for Southern
California freeways. It’s called a stationary wagon. (Stan Kegel)
If Ann Sothern had married, in succession, Perry Mason, Artells Dickson,
and Peter Lyon, she would then be Ann Sothern Mason Dickson Lyon. (Jack France)
A boy saving up for a car has a lot of driving ambition. (Pun of the Day)
Richard Rodgers didn't have a single beer mug in the house--his famous
writing partner lived up to his name and smashed every one with a
ballpeen (Cynthia MacGregor).
In Las Vegas, her mate turned into the “bettor” half. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
Those changing baby diapers sometimes act rashly. (Pun of the Day)
A good resolution is like many a pretty modern girl, easy to make but
hard to keep. (Playboy)
The body guard expected someone to mock his employer'spocket book. He
waited patiently for the crowd to dis purse." (The Big Pun)
In 1965, seventy prisoners in San Quentin broke out with the measles.
(Daryl Stout)
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was
filling in (Pun of the Day)
A woodcutter's world revolves on his axis. (Pun of the Day)
The King was called Henry the Ate because he was always eating. (Art
Linkletter)
In 1944 The first golf cart was made. It went "putt...putt...putt".
(Daryl Stout)
There is no prophet in atheism. (Marina)
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them
to spin around and point north. (Renee from Napa)
GROANERS:
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went
in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that
said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting
hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to
a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred? (Stan Kegel)
Last week I had one of those bittersweet visits to the dentist -- bitter
because there is more than a little trauma and cost involved, and sweet
because the need that drove me to the office in the first place would
finally go away. As is their custom, the dentist and support person
carried on a running patter for the purpose of entertainment and
distraction for the patient. Right before I could talk again, they got
into a silly discussion of whether it is more proper to refer to the
cuspids as "he" or "she". When finally I could join the discussion, I
said it really doesn't matter very much, since many of those cuspids are
already "bi-". (Alan B. Combs)
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the
expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a
call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a
year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go round and
round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old' lady. Even though
I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman
told me last year: " In one year they will pay for themselves."
(Lorraine Harper)
Weather forecasters' thinking is sometimes clouded. To become one, you
need a lot of degrees. Forecasters who aren't paid enough may start a
storm of protest after some brain storming. Arguments about the weather
usually blow over. Today freezing rain was predicted, and sure enough it
was an ice day. (Mike Bull)
"I had an old friend that went into stage work. Seems he set up an
acting company and was trying to produce an original play, but one part
was really difficult to stage. It was said that he did not have the
proper actors to do the tricky stuff, and since he had limited funds he
had to put out an odd scene loan call." (Brian Catlin)
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year old
son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son to wait
for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no. I need him
to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice lessons. His
voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his diaphragm in no
time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better get him one fast
before the insurance runs out!" (Mavis Hampton)
The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for
planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that
what was being done at that time. In contrast to most of the other
movements of the time, one very active group combined militant
vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very
uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically
lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the
desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away. They
believed that: “Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the
bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.” (Archives)
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach,
CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great
tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast
beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied,
"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day." (Gail S. Angel)
Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now
and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do
you feel?" Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby." Greg Said,
"Really! Like a baby!" To which Sam replied, "Yep. No hair, no teeth,
and I think I just wet myself." (Paul Croft)
H. J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As one
company spokesperson put it, "We were behind other food processing
companies in the race to cyberspace, but the new site allows us to
ketchup" (By Ira Lawson)
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons
of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken wings,
chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descend on him from a
great height and knock him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his
dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!" Paul Cooper)
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's practice
was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon
the theories of Carl Jung. One wintry night, as they were walking home
from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam
slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk. Dazed, he
looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully. "Well, what is
it?" he snapped. Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just
that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip." (Adrian
L. Charles)
"You want a divorce based on incompatibility? Why, aren't your relations
good?" "Oh yes, mine are wonderful. But my Morty's Oy! you never saw
such yentas! (Renee from Napa)
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of
tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5
boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price
so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a
dollar." She said "That can't be right !" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's
right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached." (Archives)
I wanted a hotel so I bought one in order to have suite dreams. The
plumbing turned out to be bad so I hired a plumber who told me that he
could be my manager. I told him it was a pipe dream. I hired an artist
to make some paintings for the walls. So far they are only a pigment of
my imagination. Someone tried to sell me new windows for the entire
hotel, but I shattered that dream. I was also looking for
inn-experienced staff. I found some, but they told me that the hotel had
a ghost. So I called an inn-spectre. (Mike Bull)
There was, at least in the U.S., a TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer 4.0 package which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis
Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is
the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis
maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which may answer the question for
some. It translates as, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames
of hell." (Haust Javeri)
Two rabbis were having lunch. "Some of my congregation is switching over
to the Quakers!" complained the first. "Is that a fact?" said the
second. "Yes, some of my best Jews are Friends!" (Larry Wilde)
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden
company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered
in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.
They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each
load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked
casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm! That's
right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddle peepers. (Bill Brabant)
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he
explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such
as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the
professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah,
right." (MeMail)
DEFINITIONS:
Adverse: A commercial in rhyme (Stan Kegel)
Algebra: Undergarment worn by mermaids. (Joseph Leff)
Cabal: Transport everybody by taxi. (Sandy Sibert)
Retract: To replace old railroad tracks. (Bob Car)
Antipasta A hatred of Italian food (Willie Meikle)
Cabinet: When your taxi trap has been sprung. (Lexicon)
Subtract: What subway trains run on (Tim Bruening).
Caldron: Phoned Ronald. (Sandy Sibert)
Window Dresser: A girl who doesn't pull down the shades (Playboy) .
Attract: What a train runs on.(Tim Bruening)
Canopy: Unable to urinate. (Sandy Sibert)
Asphalt: Blame the donkey. (Joseph Leff)
Calendar: Something that goes in one year and out the other. (Tibballs)
POETRY
If war brings crying
RICO charges apply to
Iraqi tearing
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said
"I can shoot off this pear from your head"
Now the fruit is still there
But there isn't a pairw
For there's lead in the miss he misled
(Graham Lester)
I do KNOT wish to ever see
Another pun about a TREE.
I WOODEN BRANCH out on a LIMB
To ROOT for such a SHADY whim.
It's just a FIGment of poor speech.
I'd rather sLUMBER at the BEECH,
Or LEAF through Penney's cataLOG,
Or BRUSH my faithful FIRry dog.
This poem BARKs! I am a SAP!
I'll BOUGH out now and take a nap.
(Mary Sullivan)
He knew he was in quite a bind,
'Cause his wife had an ax to grind.
He said with a shout,
"Please take the ax out!"
She replied, "I will keep it in mind."
(Kirk Miller)
When a president lusty but clever
Got involved in the biggest farce ever
He said, "These are the facts
I may blow a mean sax
But I would not harmMonica, never"
(Graham Lester)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"We'll need a higher price at auction," Tom said, morbidly. (PunAmerican News)
Let's forego the local train," said Tom, expressively. (PunAmerican News)
"I can't imagine what happened to those loaves of bread," he wondered.
(Paul Dickson)
“I've mixed up my pairs of gloves," Tom said intermittenly. (PunAmerican
News)
"You won't get a penny from me when I die," he said willfully. (Paul Dickson)
"You have no legal case," retorted Tom. (PunAmerican News)
"What kind of bread should I bake?" the baker asked wryly. (Paul
Dickson)
"The sun also rises, Tom mourned. (PunAmerican News)
"Aren't five cups from one tea bag too much?" she asked weakly. (Paul Dickson)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again. (Ms. Kitty)
JUDGE PRESSES JACKSON'S SUIT (Richard Lederer)
LOCAL NEWS: "The Girl Scouts in this area are planning to form a Little
Mothers Club much like the already formed Little Fathers Club headed by
their scout master. All Girl Scouts interested in becoming 'little
mothers' are to meet with the Boy Scout Master in the high school gym
after this meeting."(Kermit Schafer)
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.. (Ms. Kitty)
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT (Richard Lederer)
For sale; an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers. (Ms. Kitty)
BROADCASTERS TO LOOK INTO PLUNGING GOWNS (Richard Lederer)
DISC JOCKEY: "We hear now the horny sound of Al Hirt I mean the horny
horn of Al Hirt ... the horn sound of Al Hirt!!! . . . I'm really sorry,
Al."(Kermit Schafer)
Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.. (Ms. Kitty)
MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST (Richard Lederer)
"This is Harry Reasoner reminding you to tune in this Sun(lay when
CBS-TV will prevent the Johnson wedding!" (Kermit Schafer)
It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt
Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
(Gard Webster)
Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.. (Ms. Kitty)
CASE OF STOLEN WHISKEY EXPECTED TO GO TO JURY (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
A woman goes to a hardware store and buys a hinge for a door. "Wanna
screw for it?" asks the salesman. "No, but I'll blow you for a
doorknob." (Richard Lederer)
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers. (Colorado Kid)
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining
her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to
drill that tooth." The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a
baby!" To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust
the chair." (Thieving Joker)
.man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key! (Dr. Harpo)
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.(Sea Girl)
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats. (Terry Galen)
Why do women like to play pac-man so much?
They get eaten 3 times for a quarter! (Curly David)
A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered
by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie
with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in
a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighed and said, "All
right, I'll stop doing it." (LAB Laughs)
I am NOT "going bald.” I'm "getting more head." (My Stacy)
There's something about women that attracts me, and I'm trying to put my
finger on it.(Richard Lederer)
Bachelor: A fellow who can take women or leave them and prefers to do
both. (Playboy)
How do you recycle a used tampon?
As a tea-bag for vampires. (Curt Dayton)
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off
his secretary." (My Stacy)
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard. (Sea Girl)
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're indefinitely!
(Terry Galen)
The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand (Dan LoPresto)
What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets! (Curt Dayton)
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your hand falls asleep during masturbation (Curt Dayton)
On the first night of their honeymoon the bride slipped into a flimsy
bit of silk and crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had
settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not
going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." "Why, that's
the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," she exclaimed, almost in
tears. "To whom, and for how long?" (Playboy)
How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature ejaculation?
When he comes walking in the door. (Colorado Kid)
..he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed. (Dr. Harpo)
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year! (Sea Girl)
"I just made love to the entire women's softball team," Tom exclaimed,
asininely (Lowrey Beacham)
The biblical book of Exodus tells us, "Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's house ... nor his ass." In the Song of Solomon we read, "My
beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were
moved for him."(Richard Lederer)
Absent-minded is hardly the word for the pretty secretary who left her
clothes at the office and took her boss to the cleaner. (Playboy)
Why are impotent men always immature?
Because they are born, but never raised. (Colorado Kid)
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything. (Terry Galen)
Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking
flaps to open! (Curly David)
..boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution
on-hand! (Dr. Harpo)
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice
sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
that colony is cockeyed."
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.(Sea Girl)
“When my sugar daddy dies I inherit the lot. It is in his last will and
testicles.” “You mean testament.” “No, testicles! I`ve got him by the
balls.” (Jill’s Joke Line)
The Masai tribe of Africa use cow manure as a cold cream for their
complexions. Thus, the Masai get literally shit-faced. (Richard Lederer)
Give a man enough rope and he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
(Playboy)
What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ (Curt Dayton)
When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie. (Colorado Kid)
...woman who wear g-string, high on crack! (Dr. Harpo)
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!!! (Sea Girl)
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment. (Terry Galen)
The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his
wife in a brothel. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep
said, "it's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded the man.
"Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I
was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl." (My Stacy)