A new state flower
Golden poppy replaced by
Has been replaced by, "Hasta
La Vista, Baby!"
State's Golden Trout
Is out. State Fish is now wild
What is Gray Davis going to be for Halloween?
Unemployed." (Jay Leno)
New York had a parade Monday honoring Christopher Columbus. He was the
first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not knowing
where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on
government money. (Argus Hamilton)
Recently a new cookbook written by former president Clinton came out. Think
about this for a second, folks: a couple of years ago did you ever think,
in your wildest dreams, that you would see the day where Bill Clinton would
be writing a cookbook and Martha Stewart would be the target of an ethics
probe? (Jay Leno)
Today at a speech in New Hampshire, President Bush defended the war in Iraq
saying, "I was not about to leave the security of American people in the
hands of madman." So, I guess he's firing Donald Rumsfeld. (Jay Leno)
The latest report from the U.S. military says they still have not found any
Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. However, today they did find several
Iraqi women who claim they were fondled by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the
1970s. (Jay Leno)
The Senate debated oil drilling in Alaska Tuesday for fear the nation is
low on crude reserves. How silly. Anyone who thought the country was low on
crude learned Thursday that Kobe Bryant makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look
like Ashley Wilkes. (Argus Hamilton)
Wizened political veteran Warren Beatty, not newcomer Arnold
Schwarzenegger, was supposed to have been the Hollywood star to get himself
elected to high office. "I think Warren would have run for governor, but
he didn't like the lighting," (Richard Belzer)
President Bush vowed to weaken Fidel Castro’s hold on power. Let me tell
you something, if Bush does the same thing to Castro he did to Saddam and
Osama, this guy’s got a job for life. (Jay Leno)
Over 70,000 grocery workers are on strike in Southern California.
Management level employees can be found in sackers’ usual locations. Out
back taking a smoke. (Alan Ray)
The Kobe Bryant hearing started Thursday with details about the alleged
rape as told to detectives by the accuser. It's sad. Kobe Bryant could have
stopped when she objected to his groping, but not everyone has what it
takes to be governor. (Argus Hamilton)
Group sex is great, but you haven't lived until you've screwed an entire
state. (Chris White)
In his first news conference after being elected governor of California,
Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also
threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit. (Tina Fey)
On the Christian Broadcasting Network, Pat Robertson said the State
Department should be blown up with nuclear bombs. I guess he just asked
himself: What Would Jesus Do? (Jay Leno)
The Food and Drug Administration approved a video-camera pill Wednesday.
"Swallow-Cam," as some call it, will transmit pictures of your digestive
system. Wow, the Food Network MUST be desperate for new program ideas.
Scientists have gotten a monkey to move a robotic arm with a brain implant.
Researchers had attempted to try the experiment with a lower life form. But
most of the civil servants called in sick. (Alan Ray)
The Dallas Cowboys won their fourth game in five starts Sunday, defeating
the Eagles. They hardly ever win in Philadelphia. There was a time when
half the team would be busted the night before the game trying to buy crack
from the Liberty Bell. (Argus Hamilton)
A new study shows the nation's imprisoned population is rising to an
all–time high, with 1 in every 37 Americans behind bars ... so THAT'S how
the Bush administration is keeping the unemployment rate below 10%. (Jacob Novak)
Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the
Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after
Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad (Jay Leno)
Halloween is coming up. How do you spot the trick or treater in a Rush
Limbaugh costume? The sack is filled by his housekeeper. (Alan Ray)
Dennis Miller was asked by conservatives to run for the U.S. Senate and
Will Smith said Monday he wants to be president. It's becoming a cottage
industry. By next year, street vendors in Beverly Hills will be selling
Maps to the Candidates' Homes. (Argus Hamilton)
Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will seek financial help from Washington. The
bad news is that we are stuck in line behind Iraq. (Jay Leno)
Arnold announced today how he intends to correct the California budget
problem -- he'll use the Planet Hollywood model -- you know -- plaster
the state with billboards of movie stars and then double the price on
everything (Robert Dvorak).
Governor Jeb Bush thanked Cubs fan Steve Bartman for grabbing at a foul fly
ball. It prevented an out and ignited a Florida rally. In California, we
have two words for guys who can't keep their hands to themselves — Governor
Schwarzenegger. (Argus Hamilton)
Bud Selig is considering letting Pete Rose back into baseball. Reaction
around the game is mixed. Current players favor it. Ted Williams was
reportedly very cool on the idea. (Alan Ray)
Kobe Bryant's lawyers revealed his accuser had DNA on her underwear
belonging to somebody besides Kobe. It doesn't prove anything. It just
shows that Monica Lewinsky has moved beyond handbags and started selling
Oval Office mementos on the Internet (Argus Hamilton)
Bush's approval rating has risen to 56%, the stock market is up, the
economy is doing better. See, that's the good thing about these baseball
playoffs. Bush is so distracted, he can't screw anything up. (Jay Leno)
Ozzy Osbourne has scrapped his European tour because of a nervous tremor.
Doctors recommend heavy medication. He has checked himself into Rush
Limbaugh’s house. (Alan Ray)
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the Justice Department can't punish
doctors who recommend marijuana to sick patients. Enforcement varies widely
nationwide. You know you live in San Francisco if you cannot remember
whether or not pot is illegal. (Argus Hamilton)
COLUMBUS DAY PUNS
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he
returned from his third voyage?"One student said, "Lots of people met him
at the pier, and they all had a great time." Sternly, the teacher said,
"You didn't read the assignment!" The student brought the textbook up to
the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool
reception when he returned from his third voyage."(Archives)
Where did Columbus first land in America?
On his feet! (Archives)
Christopher Columbus will be given a parade in New York today. He was the
first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, he arrived not
knowing where he was, he went home not knowing where he'd been, and he did
it all on government money. (Argus Hamilton)
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed
it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge.
We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there
are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen
Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he
had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella’s official
scribe were uncovered revealing what olumbus actually said on returning
from his first voyage. His first words were, “I’ll bet I’m the first man
who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon.” (Archives)
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" (Chloe, 4)
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in. (C C Jokes)
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck. (Trinitty)
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body. (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps (Gary Hallock)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts. (Jeff P. Symonds)
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings! (Bruce)
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation... (Jackie Holle)
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. (Trinitty)
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves... (Jackie Holle)
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits (Stan Kegel) .
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (Jokes Central)
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist. (Trinitty)
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror. (C C Jokes)
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart (Trinitty)
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo (Randall Woodman)
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life. (Trinitty)
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (From C C Jokes)
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!" (Jokes Central)
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell. (Bunch o'Jokes Club) :
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin! (Clynch Varnadore)
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem. (Trinitty)
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle! (Clynch Varnadore)
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches. (Archives)
What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf (Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up. (C C Jokes)
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle! (Norman Gilbert)
Why didn't the skeleton kid want to go to school?
Because his heart wasn't in it. (Kids Jokes)
What kind of test does a vampire take in school?
A blood test. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
. JEST FOR KIDS
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the children have to play inside. (Kids Jokes)
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do you call the squirrel’s room in an animal hotel?
The nutcracker suite (Stan Kegel)
What music did the Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock (Jose, 8)
Why is it always cool in a sports stadium?
Because there’s a fan in every seat. (Cris, 11)
Did you hear about the musician who was upset?
He couldn't compose himself (Mike Benny)
Why are frogs never thirsty?
Because they can make a spring anytime. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales. (LAB Laughs)
Why did the apple go out with a fig?
Because it couldn't find a date! (Adithya, 6)
Did you hear about the guy who stayed up all night wondering where the sun
It finally dawned on him (Daily Groaner)
Why did the elf go to bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log! (Shakir, 9)
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why didn't the elephant buy a Porsche?
It had no trunk space. (Mike Benny)
What happened to the glass blower who inhaled?
He got a pane in his stomach! (Tephanie, 15)
Why did the reporter put a flashlight into his mouth?
He wanted to get the inside story. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What makes it so difficult to drive a golf ball?
It doesn’t have a steering wheel (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
If birds come in flocks, and fish travel in schools, what do Camels come in?
Packs (Daily Groaner)
What did the big hand on the clock ask the little hand?
Got a minute? (Daily Groaner)
Did you hear about the man who swallowed a frog?
He's likely to croak any minute. (Lederer & Ertner)
How can you tell when windows get scared?
They get shudders. (Bree Schultz)
What do you call someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans?
Smarty pants. (Daily Groaner)
Where does spaghetti go to dance?
To a meatball (Julia, 9)
What do you get when you cross a doorbell with a bee?
A real humdinger! (Daily Groaner)
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory. (Sydes)
What did Miss Muffet say when the spider asked her for a date?
"No whey!" (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide (Yahooligans)
Why was the amoeba prison so small?
Because it only had one cell (Daily Groaner)
Teacher: "What is the shape of the earth ?"
Student: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!" (Tim Davis)
Teacher: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
Boy: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
Teacher: "Don't you know what pregnant means?"
Boy: "I sure do, it means carrying a child." (Daily Groaner)
“What’s your homework assignment?” “Capital punishment. I have to learn all
50 of them.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
Financial Advisor to client: The next time you let your inner child out to
play, don’t let him play with your credit cards. (Frank and Ernie: Bob
Make a long story shorter. Don’t tell it. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
National Optometrist Association office: “O. K., whose idea was it to form
a focus group (Speed Bump: Dave Coverly)
When it comes to writing clean simple prose, there’s the wrong way, the
right way and the Hemingway. (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
“Baldo, name the four basic food groups.” “Let’s see, Dine-in, Takeout,
Drive-through and Delivery!” (Baldo: Cantu & Castellanos)
“Did you hear Mom. We really are moving. Mom said she got a mover today. A
hairy mover.” “A hair remover” “But I don’t wanna move.” (One Big Happy:
Nothing is quieter than the sound of hair turning gray! (Flo &
Friends:Gibel & Campbell)
Patient: “There’s something I want to get off my chest.” Psychiatrist:
“That’s why I’m here.” Patient: “You can remove tattoos?” (Shoe: Cassett &
Sign: “Observatory - Astronomers Wanted” “I’d be perfect! At my last job I
did a lot of staring off into space.” (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
Nothing like a cold shower to get you to fix the hot water heater.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Resume answers: “Untapped Resources”: I’ve never done anything, never
accomplished a single goal in my life. (Willy ‘n Ethel: Joe Martin)
My wife was prepping dinner the other night and asked if I wanted white
rice, yellow (saffron) rice, or brown rice. I told her it didn't matter.
“Arroz is arroz is arroz.” (Bob Dvorak)
“Arroz by any other name would smell as wheat." (Lee Jackson)
I guess it's true, “We are what wheat.” (Gary Hallock)
Grain is used to feed certain birds in Africa. Or, wheat's good for the
goose is good for Uganda. (Jim Ertner)
They feed all birds in the zoo on the same inexpensive diet. Toucan live
as cheep as swan. (Gary Hallock)
I never repeat gossip so listen carefully (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
During my freshman year in college, I applied for a dormitory maintenance
job and was asked, "How are you on punctuality?" "Oh, I'm good at that," I
blurted out without thinking. "I'm an English major." (Tim Davis)
“Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts.” “Shut up, and eat what’s put in front of
you.” (Max Rezwin)
Ever since the invention of the calendar man's days have been numbered!
(Lee Daniel Quinn)
A bachelor hopes all his romantic affairs go without a hitch. (Douglas Helsel)
That somehow reminds me of the rheumatoid alcoholic. Every night he gets
stiff in a different joint. (James Ertner)
I baked my sweetie a pie, but he left with a tart (Vicky)
A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until you put
her in hot water! (Ed Kotler)
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million
dollars. That's why he's retiring. (Milton Berle)
As the Leaning Tower of Pisa said to Big Ben, "If you got the time, I've
got the inclination." (Jim Ertner)
A likeness of news anchor Connie made from durable wood might be named
"Chung in Teak." (Douglas Helsel)
In 1949 The first tightrope walker was hired by a circus. He was high
strung. (Daryl Stout)
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked, "There is
nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Lederer &. Swanson)
It is easy for a baker to raise dough. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
“Daddy, there was a man here today to see you.” “With a bill?” “Nope. Just
an ordinary nose like yours.” (Max Rezwin)
A man who performed autopsies has been arrested for taking home 157 pounds
of human body parts. His bail cost him an arm and a leg. (Jay Leno)
"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller." "I thought
they just hired a new teller last week." "Right. That's the one they're
looking for." (Douglas Helsel)
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. (E4Fun)
When the sailors crashed the party, they barged in (Jumble: Arnold &
Married men have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters. (Cryptograms)
Subumba, an African guide on safari in Kenya, says that the lions always
wait until winter to migrate to their other seasonal hunting grounds. As
Subumba puts it, “The fall goeth before the pride.” (Jim Jaeger)
A likeness of news anchor Connie made from durable wood might be named
"Chung in Teak." (Douglas Helsel)
The model sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure. (Max Rezwin)
In 1621 A pilgrim band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth
Rock (Daryl Stout).
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The others put him
up to it. (Max Rezwin)
His job was to find a leopard as an on-the-spot reporter. (Pun of the Day)
Blood is thicker than water, but the goldfish don't seem to like it as
much. (Michael Turniansky)
Have you ever noticed, that in our ever growing matriarchal society. that
when there is a wedding, it's the bride that gets a shower, and for the
groom it's usually curtains (Irish Warlock)
They met in Ocean City where she was trying out her new thong bikini. After
a day of sun and surf, he said, "I'd like to see more of you." She smiled,
opened her arms and said, "There isn't any more of me." (Gag-O-Matic)
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys
accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get
help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!" (Lederer & Swanson)
Goosebumps, the children’s periodical by R. L. Stine, is getting stranger
every issue. The current story is about the souls of dead turkeys returning
to Plymouth on Thanksgiving Eve and playing pranks in the Puritan's
kitchens. It is entitled Poultrygeist (Stan Kegel)
As he approached the church entrance, a friend stepped aside and held the
door for him. "Thanks," he said as he walked through. "Is there a tip
involved?" "Oh, no," answered his friend. "My mother taught me never to
be good for money but to always be good for nothing." (Renee From Napa)
Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France. Bob talked
about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works of art at the
Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the beautiful French women. Joe
asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't like about France?" "Well," Bob
replies, "there was one thing that was strange about it. In France,
anything you eat, anything you drink, even the air that you breathe over
there cleans out your colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out." So
Joe says, "Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?" (Daily Groaner)
The judge banged his gavel and made his usual declaration, whereupon a
pretty young thing in the front row jumped up and began smooching His Honor
passionately. "See here! What do you think you're doing?!" harrumphed the
judge. "Just what you asked for," she replied sweetly. "Didn't you just
call for ardor in the court?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
I was preparing to teach a college course on the history of movie
censorship and went to the library to take out some films that had been
censored. “Do you have any banned movies in your collection?” I asked the
librarian. “Oh, yes.” She answered, “What would you like: Tommy Dorsey?
Glenn Miller?” (Paul H. Stacy)
In a physics lab course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism,
one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before
coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many
people had actually done so: "What are the two types of light?" he asked.
The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised his hand and said,
"Uhhh, Miller and Bud?" (Jill K.)
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How
was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective
replied. "A golf gun?! What's a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made
a hole in Juan." (Daily Groaner)
A Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, Breaking silence I was
accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To
break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at
attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would
respond, "Marine Air Group 36, sir," or "Second Marine Division, General."
But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private,
"Which outfit are you in?" he Marine replied, "Dress blues, sir, with
medals!" (Tim Davis)
I forgot to take my anemia medication before we went to the amusement
park. By coincidence, the ferrous wheel broke apart right in front of us,
and a small piece became lodged in my lip. It was because of that
incident, that when I now kiss my wife, she is reminded of the day I began
to taste real irony. (David Reimer)
A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed,"
she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a
writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at
that,too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks
about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at
the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" (Curly David)
Not sure how it ever got started, but a tradition in the Navy is all of the
pilots dance with the Wing Commander's wife. I walked over at a dance once
and asked if she'd like to dance and she said, "I don't dance with a
child." I smiled, bowed, and replied, "Oh! I'm sorry. If I'd known your
condition, I wouldn't have asked." (Kahan Ho)
Being told by his father that he must enter the 4H pet contest, little
Johnny entered his pig, "Tricky". Unfortunately this animal's only
attribute was being able to sniff out Johnny's sister, May. Despite this
the pig won. No matter where the judges hid May, the pig found her - even
in a locked safe! Thinking there was some foul play, Johnny was asked how
the pig could do it. Johnny answered, "Trichinosis!" (J. A. Mc.)
Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of
the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing,
they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a
thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not
believe they were that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public
explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.
For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter? (Author Unknown)
As the summer games were nearly ready to begin some 100 miles away, a group
of eager spectators waited for the locomotive that was visible in the
distance. A fellow who didn't keep up with current events saw the crowd
and, puzzled, asked his companion, "I wonder what that's about." Replied
his friend: "They're training for the Olympics." (Cynthia MacGregor)
Chris and Paul were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just
told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." (LOL Lewd Lines)
A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to cook.Things
really got bad the night that the husband fished a piece of paper out of
what was supposed to be a stew. He unfolded the paper and read, "Nobly,
nobly Cape St. Vincent to the North-west died away." Waving the soggy
scrap, he demanded, "What the heck is, this?" "Well," the young wife
replied, îthe reclpe said that if the stew was too thin I should add
Browning.” (Adrian Stapleton)
They were in Target the other day, walking past the furniture section where
there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them
was a sign that read: "All models in stock now." He paused next to the
display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. He
quipped, "Stool samples." (Pete Richardson)
SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES:
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who
promised she would contact the man in the great beyond. During the séance,
the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in
his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A
ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's not my table." (Sydes)
Little Johnny's dad was in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, and
he made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I
just made an illegal turn!" he said. "It's okay, Dad" Little Johnny said.
"The police car right behind us did the same thing." (Little Johnny)
A blond a redhead and a burnette were stranded on an island a few miles
from shore. When no one came to their rescue the redhead got sick of
waiting so she jumped in the water and tried to swim back. She got about
1/4 of the way then got too tired and had to turn back. Then the burnette
decided to give it a try being a pretty good swimmer. She got about 1/3 of
the way than had to turn back for shore. Then the blond tried it having
been on her high school swim team. She got about 3/4 of the way then had to
turn back. (Curly Davis)
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what
had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!"
Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in
the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!" (Curly David)
Two pastors from the local churches were standing by the side of the road
pounding a sign into the ground that read: "THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF
AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!" "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching
tires and a big splash. The one pastor turned to the other and asked, "Do
you think the sign should just say 'BRIDGE OUT'?" (Pete Richardson)
Scrutiny: Where and how the surgeon installs certain hardware when
rebuilding your leg joint. (Gary Hallock)
Locomotive: A crazy reason to do something (Stan Kegel)
Manicurist: Someone who makes money hand over fist. (Lexicon)
Affirm: The company you work for (Douglas Drill)
Sea Gulls: What most guys hope to do at the beach. (Gary Hallock)
Cutlet: When a chef gives himself a small nick (Joseph Harris)
Yankee: Recipient of a firm tug or jerk. (Lars Hanson)
Liking: Teller of the best tall story of the year (Stan Kegel)
Diphthong: A skimpy bathing suit worn only for a brief plunge in the
Italic: The language spoken by ancient Italians (Lexicon)
Locust: A item on sale (Stan Kegel)
Ability: What the pelican gets after storing some of Lipton’s bags.
Congenital: Friendly (Gard Webster)
Congenital: Sexual Organs of prison inmates (Stan Kegel)
Meter Maid: A person who always does a fine day's work. (Lexicon)
About: A prizefight (Douglas Drill)
Locus: To swear under your breath (Stan Kegel)
Admission: Snack or potty break while watching TV. (J. A. McC.)
Backdrop: A button-down trap on the rear of long underwear. (Douglas Drill)
Penmanship: A cruise ship full of writers. (Tim Bruening)
An old Catholic priest, Father Blass
Dealt a message both condemning and crass
His sermon was loaded
And it finally exploded
When flock had reached critical mass
It is sadly true
That a pause in a wedding
Is oft over "do."
(John S. Crosbie)
A holiday Brit named McHugh
Rode 'Great Outdoors' near Kal'mazoo.
"Twixt lions and otter,
I must hold my water,
Until we encounter a Zoo Loo."
Some night on the grass
if your approach is not crass
You will winsome lass.
(John S. Crosbie)
Eyes are red and all wet, like I'm bawlin',
But it's ragweed to which I have fallen.
Son does say that it galls,
And admits it appalls.
I agree, don't you see, it's a-pollen.
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Admiration: Used by backpackers when pooling resources as in, "How much do
we have when you _ADMIRATION_?" (Douglas Drill)
"I will design a round roof home for Ayn", said Tom randomly. (Guy Ben-Moshe)
“I'm visiting relatives in Scotland," Tom said clandestinally. (Stan Kegel)
“Eating Disorders:” by Anna Rexia (Richard Winer)
Confucius say: Baker who take job playing Hamlet have hard role. (Bob Dvorak)
OLD ARCHIOLOGISTS never die, they just meet their mummies.. (Archives)
Sportscaster Don Gillis during a bowling show he was hosting: "Because of
our taping schedule, this show will take place three weeks after you see
it!" (Kermit Schafer)
Headline: STRIKE FORCES DELI TO BRING IN SUBS (Stephen Kramer)
Confucius says, "man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose." (Curly David)
Acme: As in, "_ACME_ no questions and I'll tell you no lies." (Douglas Drill)
"I eat a bag of Jellybellies every day," Tom said precariously.(Stan Kegel)
OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off. . (Archives)
Widows made to order. Send us your specifications (Richard Lederer).
911 Calls: “Help! Help! Send the police. I’ve been shot!” “How many times
were you shot?” “This is the first time.” (Leland Gregory)
Is that you, baby, or just a brick in disguise? (Is that you, baby, or just
a brilliant disguise?) “Brilliant Disguise” Bruce Springsteen (Gavin
It gets late early out there. (Yogi Berra)
Adam: Expression used in the service, such as, "Up and _ADAM_." (Douglas Drill)
"My collie wakes me every morning at exactly 7 AM." Tom stated
dogmatically. (Stan Kegel)
“The Sprinter” by C. Howie Runns (Richard Winer)
In a letter from a summer camp director: Dear Parents: We are pleased to
announce the opening of registration. We are working hard and looking
forward to the ultimate bummer experience. (Richard Lederer)
During an emotional exchange at the Watergate hearings in Washington,
between Senator Sam Ervin and Bob Haldeman, Ervin asked: "Do you expect us
to believe that you and John Erlichman, two of President Nixon's closet
advisors, told him nothing about this plan?" (Kermit Schafer)
Dry their shiny daschunds (Drive their shiny Datsuns) “All I Wanna Do”
Sheryl Crow (Gavin Edwards)
If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them. (Yogi Berra)
Acute: As in, "There's _ACUTE_ girl sitting at the bar." (Douglas Drill)
"There's a fee for crossing this bridge," Tom told us.
"No, there's not any more," his supervisor extolled.(Gary Hallock)
“My stereo has a defective speaker," Tom said monotonously. (Stan Kegel)
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.. (Archives)
SPORTSCASTER: "Do you find the Chicago Bears have very complicated plays?"
COACH: "I've talked to some defensive players, and they are all pretty
simple!" (Kermit Schafer)
Confucius say baker visiting Gilligan's Island gets Ginger bred and Ginger
bred, means raisin kids. (Gary Hallock)
What happens when you fall in love withan elevator operator:
He lets you down (Stan Kegel)
"If I'd hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer." (Yogi Berra)
"Wanna hop in the back of my pickup?" asked Tom with a Leer. (Bob Dvorak)
Bassoon: as in, "If I don't catch a _bassoon_ I'm going to take the boat
back and go home." (Douglas Drill)
I’m looking though you and your underwear (I’m looking though you and
you’re nowhere) “I’m Looking Through You” The Beatles (Gavin Edwards)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Girls learn from Mother
That sex is just one damp thing
(John S. Crosbie)
Do you know the difference between a gigolo,a doctor,a rabbi,and a chorus girl?
A gigolo is a penis vendor,a doctor a penis mender,a rabbi is a penis
ender,and a chorus girl is a penis bender. (Curly David)
What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A West Virginia Vibrator (Terra)
Billie: "What are you doing with that letter on your sweater? Don't you
know you're not supposed to wear that unless you've made the team?" Millie:
"Well? Who did I miss?'' (Over Sexteen)
What did the vampire say to the English teacher
See you next period. (Richard Lederer)
There are these two secretaries, a Blonde and a Red Head and the Red Head
gets flowers sent to her. The Blonde says, Boy those sure are pretty. The
Red Head says, Yes and I will probably have my legs behind my head all
weekend. The Blonde says, Why? don't you have a vase?? (Curly David)
The young thing was sitting on her front porch knitting some tiny garments.
And her mother said to a neighbor: "I'm glad to see that she has taken an
interest in something other than running around with boys." (Over Sexteen)
She was only a mason's daughter, and she got laid up and down the block.
AUSTRALIANS do it Down Under (Archives)
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up
to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was
a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a
breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a
couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've
had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it
shows that, too?" (Curly David)
Confucius says, "man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts." (Curly
The children of the third grade were going to draw pictures, and write
letters to boys and girls in foreign countries. The teacher gave out names
and addresses, and one little boy got a girl in Holland for a pen pal. That
night he breezed into the house, and said cheerfully, "Guess what, Mom? I
got a girl in Dutch!" (Over Sexteen)
AUDITORS like to examine figures. (Archives)
Confucius says, "man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
Maybe you haven't heard but at Cheri's wedding reception, Norm, the groom,
was publically thanking some of the guests for their wedding presents. Not
that Norm was very nervous, but the couple had been given a very nice
coffee set by one of Cheri's family and Norm announced during his speech,
"I'd like to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd
like to thank the beautiful bridesmaids and finally I'd like to thank my
new in-law's for the gift of a perky copulater." (Irish Warlock)
ARCHIOLOGISTS do it with their mummies (Archives)
Cleopatra and Mark Anthony were floating down the River Nile on her
flower-bedecked barge. Cleopatra was lying on a couch; Anthony was standing
before her orating. "Cleopatra," he said, "love for you surges through me
like a raging forest fire that consumes the country-side. Furthermore, 0
Goddess of the Niles' "Mark," Cleo interrupted impatiently, "I am not prone
to argue." (Over Sexteen)
She was only a farmer's daughter, and she was the best little hoer in the
county (Richard Lederer)
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees
his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the
water far below. Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts "G'day Sheila! What
the fuck do you think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her
eye and says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill
myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says
"Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too".
Confucius says, "man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new
boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." "Oh no,
Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going
out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a
Claudia got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed, she noticed
that everyone had a name-tag except her. She went to her supervisor and
asked why she did not have a name-tag yet. The supervisor said, "You'll
have to see the president for that." The lady made an appointment and saw
the president of the company. She asked him why she did not yet have a
name-tag. The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his dick flop out
on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you see THIS? This here is QUALITY!
And here at the Zenith Corporation, QUALITY goes IN before the name goes
on." (LOL Lewd Lines)
Why are prostitutes apathetic about voting in elections?
They don't care who gets in. (Judy K.)
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later,
he was in court filing for divorce. "OK" said the judge, "Tell the court
why you want a divorce." "Well your honor," Dan started, "Every once in
awhile my sister-n-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my
wife are so identical looking, every once in awhile I'd end up making love
to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two
women," said the judge. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your
honor. That's why I want the divorce! (Sydes)
Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
It's a soft job. (Sydes)
Carolyn was down at the Carolina shore this weekend and was walking along
the water's edge , when she came upon a man with a rather large belly who
was sun bathing on the beach Feeling a bit down on the male population at
the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that belly was on a woman, I
bet you would probably say she was pregnant!" The man squinted up at her a
little annoyed and replied, "It was, and she is!" (Haust Javeri)
Peter's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest
pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young lady
looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me dinner..."
"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock." (Jill K.)
Jill gets a new job working in a sperm bank, and her friends ask her what
she does there. Jill says, "Well I just sit in the reception area and greet
all the men who come in, and I act cordial to all of them. I point out to
them where they should go, and when they come out, I say Thank You For
Coming." (Jill K.)
>In 1949 The first tightrope walker was hired by a circus. He was high
>strung. (Daryl Stout)
I heard he was taut by a master.
> Stan Kegel
> >In 1949 The first tightrope walker was hired by a circus. He was high
> >strung. (Daryl Stout)
> I heard he was taut by a master.
Some people will fall for anything on the Net !!
I checked my banking account by cell phone while walking a tightrope
one day ... I nearly lost my balance!
Not very wires of you! :-(
'Slack of funds that is the problem then?
I forgot to wire it.
Did the Czech bounce?
They said he was afraid of heights. The lowest ones scared him the
Ah, I bounced my Czech also in this thread! Diseased minds think
Just thought I would Czech; mate.
Cross thread: No, she just jiggled a bit...
> In article <okl5pv0np1b7v6vot...@4ax.com>,
> mam...@watering.hole, Buffalo Chilkat was looking at the world oddly
> >On 18 Oct 2003 23:22:34 -0500, whee...@tns.net (mike wheeEler)
> >>In article <3f91d159$0$9554$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au>,
> >>Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au, Sheila Dundee was looking at the world
> >>>"Buffalo Chilkat" wrote in message
> >>>> Stan Kegel
> >>>> >In 1949 The first tightrope walker was hired by a circus. He was
> >high>>> >strung. (Daryl Stout)
> >>>> I heard he was taut by a master.
> >>> Some people will fall for anything on the Net !!
> >>He put his house up for collateral on is insurance and when he fell
> >>they put a trample lien on ot...
> >Did the Czech bounce?
> Cross thread: No, she just jiggled a bit...
Cross thread? Yer nuts!
Now I must bolt.
Cybe R. Wizard
Unofficial "Wizard of Odds," A.H.P.
Original PORG "Water Wizard," R.P.
"Wize(ned) Wizard," A.P.F-P-Y.
Barely Tolerated Wizard, A.J.L & A.A.L
Maybe it was sent by telescam.
But I always thought you were a board old queen.
To itch his own...
mike wheeEler wrote:
What a blockhead!