Puns of the Weak 01-02-04 Part 2 The Puns
Stan Kegel
Part 2: The Puns
JEST FOR KIDS
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve. (Gail S. Angel)
What type of horses go out after dark?
Nightmares! (Savannah, 8)
What does a Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
"Oh, lay!" (Ole) (Joseph Rosenbloom)
How can you get rich by eating?
Eat fortune cookies. (Kids Jokes)
Why would kangaroos make unreliable sailors?
Because they'd always be jumping ship. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the man take a bowl and spoon outside?
Because he was told it was chili! (Ashley, 10)
How do you make a banana split?
Cut it in half (Betty Debnum)
Why did the hens go on strike?
They refused to work for chicken feed. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had nobody to go with! (Emily, 12)
What did the baby banana say to its mother?
“I don’t peel good.” (Arlene, 10)
Why did the judge jump up and down?
It was a kangaroo court. (Lederer & Ertner)
What is a criminal's best asset?
His lie ability. (Stan Kegel)
Name the four seasons ?
Salt, pepper, mustard, & vinegar. (Tony Thoennes)
How can you prevent milk from turning sour ?
Keep it in the cow. (Liguorian)
What is a kangaroo's favorite season?
Spring. (Lederer & Ertner)
What job is most selfish?
Mining (Stan Kegel)
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese (Devery, 9)
What’s a good way to keep your dog off the street?
Put him in a barking lot. (Betty Debnum)
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Did you hear the story about the burp?
Never mind. It's not worth repeating. (Kids Jokes)
What is smarter than a talking horse?
A spelling bee (Keidy, 9)
Did you hear about the fast-growing baby kangaroo?
He grew by leaps and bounds. (Lederer & Ertner)
Where do dogs go to get fleas?
To the flea market (Betty Debnum)
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored! (Ashley, 12 )
When does a kangaroo jump the highest?
In leap year. (Lederer & Ertner)
How do you know that some people's noses and feet are built backwards?
Their feet smell and their noses run. (Stan Kegel)
What should you say when you feed your dog?
Bone appetit (Hredi, 9)
How is the monogram business?
I've had some initial success. (Mike Benny)
Why did the guy remove his doorbell?
To win a no-bell prize! (Lisa, 12 )
When is the best time to buy a thermometer?
In the winter when it is lower (Olimpamaria, 10)
How do you save a starving tiger stuck in a hole?
Give him a hand (Keayva)
Why did the muddy chicken cross the road twice?
Because she was a dirty double-crosser. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What time is it when fifteen dogs are chasing one dog down the street?
Fifteen after one. (Betty Debnum)
What animal does your father's sister's electric blanket remind you of?
An ant-heater . (Tyler Kaus)
Who did the mortician invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up! (Daily Groaner)
How do you find a writer in a crowded building?
Have him paged. (Mike Benny)
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the guy have his sundial floodlit ?
So he could see what time it is at night. (Joke of the Day)
Why didn’t the banana want a suntan?
He was afraid he might peel (Betty Debnum)
What do you call a huge ant?
A gi-ant (Jared)
What was the near-sighted chicken doing in the farmer's garden?
She was sitting on an eggplant. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What has four wheels and flies/
A garbage truck (Jesse, 6)
Who supervises children when they play games?
The game warden. (Kids Jokes)
Which president was least guilty?
Lincoln. He is in a cent. (Daily Groaner)
How is the archaeologist doing?
Her life's work is in ruins. (Mike Benny)
What happened to the novelist who was arrested?
He was printed and booked. (Mike Benny)
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness?
There are nomad people there. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the secretary take a bikini to work?
She heard she would go in the typing pool. (Mike Benny)
How did the lumberjack use the computer?
He logged on! (Paige, 8 )
Two cats were wachung a tennis match. One turned the the other and said,
“You know, my mother is in that racquet.” (Richard Lederer)
Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits.
"Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one.
"Thanks," said the other, "I made them from scratch." (Daily Groaner)
COMICS
A fake fur is a bum wrap (Graffiti: Gene Moro)
“I finally know what to get Mom and Dad for Christmas … Gourmet coffee”
“Christmas was two days ago! You can’t give belated Chrisstmas gifts!”
“It’s just a little latte…” (Soup to Nuts: Rick Stromoski)
Most people get the drift of a stable joke (Graffiti: Gene Moro)
“Grandma, are we living in the present tense?
These days, Billy, many of us are living in the present very tense.
(Family Circus: Bill Keane)
“Have you ever been arrested?” “Once, for wearing pantyhose.” “Since when
is wearing pantyhose a crime?” “When they’re on your head and you’re inside
a bank.” (The Other Coast: Adrian Raeside)
Boy looking out window: “Who are you looking for?” “Some guy who comes
around after Santa. Dad mentioned him. Christmas Bill.” (The Buckets:
Santis & Cravens)
“Can you believe it? I got a $20 ticket for jaywalking on Main Street!”
“Didn’t you see the sign?” “Of course I did … it said it was fine for
jaywalking!” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
So if the Time’s Square ball doesn’t fall at midnight, does that mean the
guy who drops the ball dropped the ball? And if he drops it correctly, has
he then not dropped the ball? (Foxtrot: Bill Amend)
Cowboys have chapped hips (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
How about some clouds on your checks since they never seem to clear anyway?
(Frank & Ernie: Bob Thaves)
ONE-LINERS:
After a hectic trip to the market with a truckload of turnips, radishes,
carrots and yams, the farmer welcomed the return to his roots. (Cryptograms)
I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into a
giant vat of milk by-product. "I'm sorry", I said. "Am I in your whey?"
(Tim Davis)
To battle the insects, the picnickers formed a swat team. (Jumble)
He has 150 cattle. He thought there were 147 unil he rounded them up (Alan
F. G. Lewis)
Safety experts say all car passengers should be belted. (Joey Adams)
He worked in a chocolate factory, but always took his sweet time. (Pun of
the Day)
When the gardner won the high stakes poker hand he raked in a bundle.(Jumble)
When he kept repeating the same jokes, the host wanted to give him a gag. (Jumble)
I'd give my right ear to be able to paint like Van Gogh. (Alan F. G. Lewis)
Have you heard about the lady of the evening who got a taxi license and is
now known as "The Happy Hacker"? (Joey Adams)
What do you call a beautiful rose blooming at the base of the most famous
structure in Paris?
An eyeful flower . (Tyler Kaus)
He: "I can't read this card; I'm presbyoptic"
She: "Try my church; they let us read anything!" (IHS)
When you see a picture of a new blade of grass is it a photo shoot? (Joseph Harris)
On a summer day, a hammock is a good pace to hang out. (Jumble)
She put her arms around me, squeezed and said, "This is my only vice" (Alan
F. G. Lewis)
A pair of gloves, to a gardener, can come in handy. (Jumble)
I've had this cough for exactly seven days. My doctor says it's just a wee
cold (Alan F. G. Lewis).
Two actors met at Sardi's: It was an "I" for an "I." (Joey Adams)
What's a geriatric?
A German footballer scoring three goals. (Bob Monkhouse)
I asked my girl whaat she wanted for Christmas. She said, “I haven’t a
clue.” So I got her a board game. (One Weird Dude)
The shy wife wanted to go home from the party because she was bash full. (Jumble)
Christmas dinner is a place where you can really talk turkey. (Pun of the Day)
I could tell from her 41-31-37 measurements that she was in her primes
(Alan F. G. Lewis)
What's a zombie's favorite drink?
Ghoulade. (Tyler Kaus)
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should
consider running for a job in Washington." (Marsha Coleman)
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. (George Carlin)
Those who like sugar in their tea are willing to take their lumps (Pun of
the Day)
A lady sent this letter to the newspaper editor: "I am lonely and have had
no attention for months. Please answer by return male." (Joey Adams)
If you were to strap a handgun onto an animated, marinated cucumber -thus
creating a pistol-packing pickle -what animal would your action remind you off?
An armadillo . (Tyler Kaus)
In 1899 The first college textile school opened. The students became very
materialistic. (Daryl Stout)
Cashiers really know how to take charge. (Pun of the Day)
When the movie hunk posed in a skimpy swimssuit, it was worth a “brief”
mention. (Jumble)
Those who carry barbed wire can easily take a fence to what you say.(Pun of
the Day)
In 1961 A noted criminologist took post graduate courses, and got a third
degree.(Daryl Stout)
Why is marriage is like a violin?
After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached .
(Doug Helsel)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too. (Funny Pun of the Day)
When the elevator broke I was very downcast. (Pun of the Day)
In 1942 A five day bicycle race was run. Then, the racers got a weak end
off. (Daryl Stout)
When the smoke-belching jalopy drove by, the neighbors fumed. (Jumble)
Play Islamic Strip Poker. Lose a hand, lose a hand. (Gil Ross)
DEFINITIONS:
Antacid: Hallucigen used by insects (Stan Kegel)
Dyed-in-the-wool: Found dead under a sheep. (Doug Dill)
Deadline: one which fails to interest girls anymore. (Doug Dill)
Misty: How golfers create divots (Jay Christie)
Aplastic Crisis: Maxed out of your credit cards (Stan Kegel)
Packard: Brand of car favored by football players from Green Bay (Cynthia MacGregor)
Decade: A cooling drink enjoyed on cruise ships. (Doug Dill)
Diagnose: Anglation of a broken nose (Stan Kegel)
Octobus: large motorized coach for transporting a form of marine life
similar to squid. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot (Jay Christie)
Semantics: Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before mass. (Jay Christie)
BBS: Tall tales of telecomputing told by insects that produce honey. (Funny Bone)
Exudate: To go to dinner with your former spouse (Stan Kegel)
Negligent: Absentmindedly opening the door in your nightie. (Jay Christie)
Cuisinart: Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool. (Gil Ross)
Dead end: A condition caused by sitting on a hypodermic full of
anesthetic. (Doug Dill)
Assess: A female donkey (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Donation: A country with lots of money (Doug Dill).
Diarrhea: Stain bird feathers for hats (Stan Kegel)
Cadillac: I have nobody to carry my golf clubs. (Cynthia MacGregor)
POETRY
HOW THE DISH GOT ITS NAME
Lieutenant William Jones, who fought so well
at Concord first and then at Bunker Hill
gave the name to a dish before he fell
at Valley Forge. He had orders to kill
a British spy, and thought should one exist
he had to be a British lackey, so
he ordered rounding up each Loyalist
for questioning. A private felt that though
he'd fight the Redcoats, Loyalists were neighbors,
and he was scared to track them down. At the same
time the lieutenant's wife was at her labors
and made a poultry dish needing a name.
She heard her husband yell, "You will be sorry
if you don't do it! Chicken! Catch a Tory!"
(Pedro J. Saavedra)
A pain in the butt?
Epidermis is about
What I'm still ass skin
(Gary Hallock)
Agriculturists
Get pills to help their crops grow
From a pharm-assist.
(By Cynthia MacGregor)
Tried to age my wine
In flammable wooden casks
Grape balsa fire!
(By Gary Hallock)
Not a cross dresser
Yet quietly, privately
I live in distress
(Gary Hallock)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Overture: Let's go OVERTURE house and play computer games. (Stan Kegel)
Decameron: as in, "I would like to purchase DECAMERON dat shelf." (Doug Dill)
Paramours: What happened to those two dark-skinned Spanish fellows who
wanted to see me? Tell the PARAMOURS to come right in. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Parrot: To prepare an apple for pie, you must first core and PARROT. (Stan Kegel)
Deceitful: as in, "I was unable to sit down when I found DECEITFUL (Doug Dill)
Paper: Boxers make the most money from PAPER view. (Stan Kegel)
Plenty: No sugar or lemon, thanks--just a cup of PLENTY. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Datum: as in, "Yes, I like sorority girls, but I wouldn't DATUM. (Doug Dill)
Peacemaker: Can she have the carrots as usually PEACEMAKER sick. (Stan Kegel)
Portuguese: Because I couldn't find a proper gander, those PORTUGUESE were
never bred. (Gary Hallock)
Duelist: Of course it might be clearer to the committee if you DUELIST
our grievances. (Doug Dill)"
Perverse: The magazine will pay twenty dollars PERVERSE. (Stan Kegel)
Ostrich: OSTRICH first thing in the mornin'. (Bob Dvorak)
Cantilever: I can’t stand to live with her anymore. Why CANTILEVER now?
(Harry Farkas)
Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before. (Uncle George)
Deja glue: The feeling that I've sniffed model cement before. (Uncle George)
Deja dew: The feeling I've played in this wet grass before. (Uncle George)
Deja clue: The feeling that I've read this mystery book before. (Uncle George)
Deja brew: The feeling I've drank too many beers, again. (Uncle George)
Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
(Uncle George)
"I always salute the Stars and Stripes," Tom bragged flagrantly. (Paul
Dickson)
"I've inherited a fortune," said Tom, willfully (Richard Letterer)
"This acid will really clean your silverware," she replied caustically.
(Paul Dickson)
"Here's the story of the Liberty Bell," Tom told appealingly. (Richard Letterer)
"Do you play golf?" Tom would ask as a matter of course. (Paul Dickson)
"C'mon, have another soda," Tom coaxed. (Paul Dickson)
"1 love eating crow,” said Tom, ravenously (Richard Letterer)
"I have just washed all your windows," Tom spoke out clearly. (Paul
Dickson)
This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily. (Richard Letterer)
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children (Richard Lederer).
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals." (Richard Lederer)
March planned for next August (Tony Thoennes)
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help. (Richard Lederer)
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked-- Thief Gives Police The Slip (Tony Thoennes)