Puns of the Weak 12-13-04
Stan Kegel
THE ONE-LINERS
Here's a simple and very inexpensive birth control method: Just put a small
rock in your shoe. It'll make you limp! (H. Delevante)
Here in Fayetteville the Catholic Church built a new church and vacated the
old one. A contractor is sectioning it off into condominiums. Just wandered
how the pope felt about that. I think this would be considered berth
control. (Tiff Wimberly)
At the annual football banquet, the coach asked the athletic supporters not
to drop the ball. (Stan Kegel)
A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a
brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were
taking away his leg, he was hopping mad. (Daily Groaner)
I used to date a Siamese twin but he was too jealous. He was always
accusing me of seeing his brother behind his back. (Fanny Bright)
A preacher rehearsed his sermon over and over, In other words, he practiced
what he preached. (Gunjan Saraf)
The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release. (Pun of the
Day)
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty! (Goffaq Yussef)
I believe in circumcision. After all, it's no skin off my nose. (Renee from
Napa)
I know a counterfeiter so cheap that he still has the first dollar he ever
made. (Stan Kegel)
She who lies down with dogs will get up with puppies. (Mike Bass)
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I
lost my mind. (William Brabant)
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished." (Tim Davis)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. (Imbaldira)
I am producing a new television show. We scan each page of the morning and
evening newspapers with live camera, slowly enough to allow people to read
it. This is paper view television. (Jimmy Snibbler)
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity! (Goffaq Yussef)
In court there was a deaf defendant who waived his hearing. (Pun of the Day)
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I
had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat. (Lizz Winstead)
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and
prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday. (Scott Adams)
Surfing is a swell sport (Pun of the Day)
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter. (Cookie)
Surfers need a waiver too. (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the diminutive criminal from Ireland who contracted
Hansen's disease? He was a leper con. (Gary Hallock)
You probably saw the recent article on one of the news services where a
woman stabbed her husband to death, stuffed him into a trash baggie, and
threw his carcass into a convenient dumpster. The jury decided it was a
clear case of marital discard. (Alex Ramirez)
When the stock market goes down, it's a good time to acquire stocks. Liz and
her friend Laura always take advantage of such opportunities. They figure
it's a Buy Cycle Built for Two. (Cynthia MacGregor)
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I
said, "Just wait." (Judy Tenuta)
Did you hear about the upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? (Paul
Benoit)
A Tug-O-War between farm vehicles draws a huge crowd. "See?" said the
farmer, "I knew it would a tractor tension!" (Johann von Haupkopf)
When flooding closed the pressroom at a U.S. government office last spring,
a spokeswoman remarked, "This is the first time that a leak has stopped the
press from writing." (Gail S. Angel)
I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living
room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what
channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know? (Pam Stewart
from Ruminations )
A widely traveled telephone repairman went from pole to pole. (Daily
Groaner)
Vanna White has been very sick these past couple of days. She hasn't had a
vowel movement since Thursday. (Renee from Napa)
The hospital lab is recruiting. They're looking for new blood. (Pun of the
Day)
When she got divorced, she turned into a name dropper. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
QUOTES
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south
for the winter. (Cookie)
If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
(Bill Earle)
The most dangerous strategy is to try to jump a chasm in two leaps.
(Benjamin Disraeli)
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. (William
Brabant)
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be
called a drop, it does. (J. Peck)
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than
he can chew. (Strange Cosmos)
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never
sure. (Strange Cosmos)
Eat as much as you like--just don't swallow it. (Steve Burns)
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
(Strange Cosmos)
A fool and her money are soon courted. (Helen Rowland)
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable. (Clare Boothe Luce)
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back
taxes, back rent, back auto payments. (Robert Orben)
If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life I, think I'd have to
pick underpants. (William Brabant)
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
(Mae West)
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)
We all have to die some day, if we live long enough. (Dave Farber)
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
(Harlan Ellison)
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to. (Linda Evangelista)
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. (Tom Wilson)
Honk if you love peace and quiet. (Tom Thuis)
I can't help but think that when God designed the miracle of birth, the
afterbirth was an afterthought. (Chris MacEache from Ruminations )
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh (Phill Rock)
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a huge research
staff to study the problem. (Bill Vaughan)
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of
underwear. (Woody Allen)
The best defense is a good pretense. (Mike Bass)
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should. (J. Peck)
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. (Sam Goldwyn)
PUNY CONUNDRUMS
Why did the guy who played shortstop have so much trouble fitting in with
the men's choir?
He couldn't stay on bass (Gary Hallock)
How would you describe flying into a power pole while hang gliding?
An electrifying experience (Ken Pinkham)
We have a strange optometrist in our town. While he offers his married
patients their choice of contact lens or glasses, he prescribes contact lens
exclusively to his single patients. How does he justify this policy?
He doesn't believe in specs before marriage. (Stan Kegel)
What do many big companies have in common with certain religious church
groups?
They have prophet sharing plans (Scott Ryan)
What did Obi-Ben-Kanobi say to the Keystone Kops?
"Beware the dork side of the Farce." (Ken Pinkham)
What apartment number does a person who can predict the future live in?
Apartment 4-C (Gary Hallack)
The story of a Georgia man who had a compulsion during the winter to murder
women doing their laundry the old-fashioned way was immortalized by a song
starting with these words:
Slay belles wringing (Stan Kegel)
During his lean years before his Broadway success, Rex Harrison was forced
to drive a taxi for a living. What did he say to all his women passengers?
"My fare, lady?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
What might you call a child trapped between his father's legs?
An inter-knee. (Lars Hanson)
Why was the Jewish lady reluctant to go to the Urologist?
Her friend told her that he only treated Gentile (genital) disorders.
(Ken Pinkham)
Happy homing pigeons require specially constructed birdhouses made of
multiple layers of thick clay. Although this was strenuous labor, Edgar was
delighted to have the opportunity to build them. By now you must have guest
that:
It takes a love of heaping to make a homing house (Stan Kegel)
What do you call an agronomist who advocates the cultivation of fruits and
vegetables without the use of drugs or poisons?
A Farm Ecologist (Stan Kegel)
Why are happy Lifesavers other than of the fruit variety an essential for a
good party?
Everyone likes entertain-mint and Merri-mint (Cynthia MacGregor)
What 19th century novel is about a man who has a sex-change operation?
In a sense, a broad (Innocence Abroad) (Stan Kegel)
A engaged Japanese woman wanted a traditional wedding but was so taken with
American culture that she insisted on incorporating a long train into her
wedding gown. Thus when she walked down the aisle, the sight made some
wedding guests think of a strange and dangerous reptile. What did they see?
A Kimono Dragon (Gary Hallock)