Puns of the Weak 05-23-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
The former Iraqi Minister of Information has gotten a new job. He’s the new
fact checker for the New York Times. (Jay Leno)
The L.A. Times said the U.S. missed Saddam Hussein when it dropped four
one-ton bombs on a Baghdad restaurant. Witnesses say he was out of the
restaurant before the bombs hit. So cutting out desserts saved his life,
just like the doctor told him. (Argus Hamilton)
Harvard Business School announced that, in recognition of massive tax cuts
coupled with rising deficits, they will be awarding President Bush an
Honorary Doctorate in Deep Doo-Doo Economics. (Ken Pinkham)
Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for
fiction? Did you see it? It was the New York Times (David Letterman)
Gelding Funny Cide is one win away from the triple crown. He's sort of the
Phil Michelson of horse racing. He's got a noticeable slice. (Alan Ray)
The White House said yesterday that Amtrak won't be shut down. Officials
say they will find a way to balance the books and keep the doors open. It
sounds like we just found out where Arthur Andersen will be performing its
community service hours. (Clean Laffs)
Alabama Governor Bob Riley proposed a tax increase to offset the huge
budget deficits. He may lay off three thousand teachers. State workers are
so worried about being fired that Alabama's new football coach won't even
shop at a strip mall. (Argus Hamilton)
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Brothel in Nevada hosted an official
delegation from six Asian nations last weekend. Talk about wandering
off-message. This is a place where you're far more likely to hear about
protection than you are free trade. (Argus Hamilton)
Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are now requiring all
Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave all their pubic hair as a sign of
defiance to the West. International news reporters are saying that the
anti-Bush campaign has gone too far. (Bambi)
By the way we have captured Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein earlier
today. I guess it's true, I read it in the New York Times. (David Letterman)
Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic surgeries down
12% this year. That's what they mean when they say the economy could get
ugly. (Jay Leno)
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that he is leaving his job.
After 21 years of government Fleischer said he wants to lie in the private
sector (Conan O'Brien)
The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly
elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will
not be as long as the one we have had in this country. (Jay Leno)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck".
Because he thinks he's a chicken .
Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken ?
Because we need the eggs . (Mary Jean, 9)
Why was the little ink drop depressed?
Because his father was in the pen and wasn't coming out until the end of
his sentence. (Gary Hallock)
Why do bananas put on sunscreen?
So they won’t peel. (Shane, 8)
What did the animal trainer think about her lion family?
It was her pride and joy (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
If you and a goose are trapped on a roof with no ladder, how can you get down?
Pluck the goose. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells (Rudy, 6)
Why did the pelican refuse to pay for his meal?
His bill was too big (Yahooliggans)
What do you call an intellectually challenged Southern debutante who
pumps iron?
A dumb belle. (Tyler Kaus)
Why did the apple go out with a fig?
Because it couldn't find a date (Yahooligans)
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead while I give these two a lift (Lynn, 12)
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them. (Jim Ertner)
What kind of cake should you serve to chicken?
Layer cake. (Kids Jokes)
What kind of food should brave soldiers eat?
Hero sandwiches. (Kids Jokes)
How do you stop a monster from digging up your garden?
Take away his spade. (Joe, Age 7)
Teacher: Spell "water" for me?"
Student: H I J K L M N 0
Teacher: "That doesn't spell "water.
Student: "Sure it does, It's all the letters from H to O." (Foot Long Hot Dog)
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales (Jeff, 9)
What is a mosquito's favourite sport ?
Skin-diving ! (Troy, 10)
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Devilled eggs. (Kids Jokes)
Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
Because it had bad stable manners! (Jade, 12)
What is the most important use for cowhide?
It helps keep the cow together (Daily Groaner)
What is the biggest pencil in the world?
Pencil-vania (Justin, 7)
How did the cow feel when it struck out at bat?
An udder failure (Natall, 9)
What kind of cookie must be handled carefully?
Ginger snaps. (Kids Jokes)
Did you hear about the man who wore glasses on his butt?
He had terrific hindsight! (Daily Groaner)
What do you call someone who rolls in the mud and crosses the street twice?
A dirty double-crosser (Carlos, 9)
Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because each player raises a racquet (Steve, 11)
What does a spider do when he gets angry ?
He goes up the wall ! (Judy, 9)
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers. (Chad, 11)
What did the bee use to brush his hair?
A honeycomb (Claudio, 10)
Did you hear that NASA just recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit?
They called it the herd shot round the world. (Daily Groaner)
What's another name for singing in the shower?
A Soap Opera! (Daily Groaner)
Why did the dog go to court?
Because it got a barking ticket! (Kristal, 11)
How does a Hawaiian baritone laugh?
A low ha!” (Trevor, 8)
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number? (Dosti Yaario)
“Great Scott! I've forgotten who wrote "Ivanhoe!" “I'll tell you if you
tell me who the dickens wrote "The Tale of Two Cities." (Beckie Shiles)
While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed. (Pun of
the Day)
Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the Hollywood
Freeway, and blocked tall traffic.. Police are still combing the area.
(Archives)
After his watch battery ran down, he had a bad time. (Pun of the Day)
Drilling for oil is boring work. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The painter made some off-color jokes. (Pun of the Day)
RIDDLES
How could you make a single statement that applies both to your drunken
ancestors and a couple of hotheads who were out for revenge?
They were loaded forbears (Gary Hallock)
What color will you find the former Soviet Union on most maps?
Chart Russ (Stan Kegel)
How do dead comedians pass on to the Laughter-Life?
They cross over the River Shtyx. (Tiff Wimberly)
There is a popular Japanese restaurant that features stir-fry vegetables
and egg rolls, with rock-and-roll music playing on the sound system. What
do you think they call it?
Wok 'N Roll. (Tyler Kaus)
The divers found plenty of the treasure they were seeking, though some were
too small or misshapen, and they wound up throwing those back in the ocean.
They always waited till sunrise to do that, though, because they knew they
shouldn't do - - what?
Cast their pearls before shine. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What did the farmer say when he found out that his daughter was planning to
sneak off to get married to an unsuitable suitor?
"Sorry to squash your date to leek off with that badapple, has-bean,
dead-beet lemon who has no celery -but you just plum cantaloupe!" (Tyler Kaus)
What’s the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist?
The taxidermist leaves the hide. (Pun of the Day)
Given that country's varied culinary heritage, it is only appropriate that
Congress grant China what status recently?
Most flavored nation Lars Hanson)
I developed a problem with my colon and was taken to a specialist from
Havana. What was his specialty?
Castroenterology (Stan Kegel)
What special option, available on most modern automobiles, might be popular
with coxswains on a rowing team?
Crews Control (Gary Hallock)
Mark's wife, Carol, an English teacher specializing in Shakespeare, came
out of the family room and smiled wryly at him. Wrinkling her nose, she
said "One of the kids left food in there again." Mark smiled, knowing his
wife's penchant for puns, and prepared himself for the worst. Rising to the
bait he said, "You mean..." "Yep!" she answered, and spoke the pun.
What did she say?
Something's rotten in the state of the den, Mark! (Clynch Varnadore)
COMICS
“You couldn’t name the Presidents and flunked History?” “Yeah - - It’s not
what you know, it’s who you know.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Taking a lunch break is the cause that refleshes. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
“Seems like everyone I know has a revolving staff of people either going or
coming back from maternity leave!” “I guess you could call it ‘musical
heirs’” (For Better Or For Worse: Lynn Johnston)
Continental Congress meeting: “I like the part about the pursuit of
happiness.” “It’s really hot in here. Maybe we should mention something
about not having to wear jackets if we don’t want to.” “And short-sleeved
shirts.” “That’s not a bad idea. How would we word it?” “What about,
‘Everyone should have the right to bare arms?’ ” (Herman: Jim Unger)
Doctor to Nurse in a clinic: “Let’s see. Has there been any injuries,
digestive disorders, or malpractice suits today?” “Nope ... No Hits, No
Runs, No Errors.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Test Tube Baby: A womb with a view. (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
What does a knight in armor do with his lance when he loses his job?
He free-lances (Hager the Horrible: Chris Browne)
“They found a guy sleeping on the roof of the building where the government
prints money.” “Wow! He must be the first person to leave a pillow on the
mint.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
ONE-LINERS:
I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my donor
card instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg. (Bob W.)
A man walks into a lumberyard and says, "I need some two-by-fours." "How
long do you need them?" "A long time.We're gonna build a house." (MyStacy)
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the
present. (Jolene)
The pot-head student stashed his weed inside his ballpoint pen and became a
Bic man on cannabis. (Gary Hallock)
Shepherds can be sheepish, so the farmer has to keep them from being on the
lam.(Mike Bull)
Recently Marcel Marceau was waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant when
he tried to slip the maitre 'd $50 to seat him right away. The man just
shook his head and said, "I will serve no mime before his time." (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)
When the knitting club met, she liked to spin a yarn. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
A gent from Glasgow exclaimed in frustration: "I just washed my kilt, and I
can't do a fling with it." (James Ertner)
At shearing time there are sheep thrills, but the farmer has to make sure
that when he sells the sheep, he doesn't get fleeced. (Mike Bull)
Some butchers live off the fat of the land. (Pun of the Day)
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match
for her sock. The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on
fire!" (LABLaughs)
An FBI sketch artist is a bureau drawer. (Pun of the Day)
Actors who play in "Western" movies like to be scene and not herded. (Mike
Bull)
I just got a junk e-mail with a subject line that said, "Grow gigantic
OVERNIGHT!!!" The joke's on them, though, because my wife's cooking already
took care of that. (Paul Hughes)
A guy drove his car until the day of wreckening. (Pun of the Day)
If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale," just keep on driving. They
usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a
bunch of junk. (Frank Weisbly)
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants" (Bob W>)
To get her man, a fashion artist uses designing ways. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
I work with a very attractive single girl who loves to go on vacation. Each
year when she returns, she gives you a beau-by-beau account of her two
weeks. (Gag-O-Matic)
A good method to select a cover girl is at face value. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
Wife: "You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other." Husband: "You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and
comes out of the mouth." (Dosti Yaari)
Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS; One takes the
credit, and the other takes the cash. (Hukkam)
I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition (Marsha
Coleman)
A bust is made of famous people who are a head of their time. (Mike Bull)
Forbidden fruit can cause many jams. (Pun of the Day)
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. (Stephen Wright)
Caesar sends Brutus to bring him 12 apples. Brutus returns with the apples
and Caesar counts them but finds only 10 apples. He turns to Brutus and
angrily says: "Et two, Brutus?" (Gill Krebs)
So I'm chatting with this chick on-line, and I tell her I have her favorite
song on vinyl. She says, "You're really dating yourself." So I say, "Duh --
why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first place?" (Foot
Long Hot Dog)
GROANERS:
Penelope, a competitive swimmer, had very hairy legs. So, for the big swim
meet, she decided to shave her legs in order to shave a fraction of a
second off her time. Apparently, it must have worked. Penelope won her race
by just one one-hundredth of a second! Shortly thereafter, she spent the
day at the beach, but forgot to put sun block on her legs. The result was a
bad sunburn on her naked, hairless legs. When she returned home, her mother
remarked, "A Penny shaved is a Penny burned." (Tyler Kaus)
Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony comes into the throne room
and shouts, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty Caesar!" Julius jumps up from his
throne and angrily shouts, "How dare you hail while I am reigning!" (Gill
Krebs)
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When
she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she
harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The
director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to
go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough pigeon-towed
dancers in the company already. (Kathlene Shoemaker)
A couple named their daughter after their favorite singer, Dinah Shore.
But, unlike the singer's cheery personality, their daughter was morose and
had a fiery, explosive temper. So, when a new babysitter arrived one
evening to take care of Dinah and was told of this trait, the sitter was
concerned and asked the parents, "If I stop her from doing something she
ought not to do, will she have a fit and blow up?" The father answered,
"Knowing our daughter as we do, I must admit, Dinah might." (Tyler Kaus)
I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to
ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said in
all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be
outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later and
said, "Can I put a head on that for you?" (Tiger)
"Writing for the Sell of It" was the theme of our community college's
annual writers' conference. When I called a widely-published author and
asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met by a long silence.
He finally said, "I don't know what I would say to that audience." "You're
just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're extremely qualified to
speak on that subject." He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you
said, 'Writing for the Celibate.'" (Hukkam)
Did you hear the one about the potato chip factory that fried its product
in goose grease? An alert inspector noted that some goose feathers had
mistakenly fallen into the works. Which just goes to show that he is a good
man to have around when the chips are down. (Lederer & Ertner)
ur church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee
finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church
members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister
might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting,
I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things
for our church. "Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener
pastors." (Jerry Riggs/ Reader’s Digest)
Then of course there's the sub-atomic particle physicist who, when
examining a piece of basaltic nickel-iron meteorite, noticed some hitherto
unknown particles, which, when accelerated to relativistic velocity, became
gravitic and acquired an intense electromagnetic field. "Eureka!" he
exclaimed. "I have discovered Leptons of Mass Induction in a Rock!"
Grateful but misunderstanding, President Bush rewarded the scientist with
his fondest wish, which consisted of a one year paid sabbatical, a
luxuriously appointed Recreational vehicle and a blonde bimbo left over
from the Clinton Administration as his traveling companion. In other words,
The Mobile Piece Prize. (Charles Plato)
Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that
they didn't know what to do. Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get
some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with any more
children." So they went to see the priest and the priest says to Patrick,
"Now, my boys, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the little
ones. One is to abstain altogether and the other is the rhythm method."
Patrick scratches his head and says, "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am
I going to find a band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"(Training 2 Laugh)
When two single people who have been given power of attorney over several
prominent citizens—but cannot currently remember their gambling losses for
the 2001 fiscal year—meet, they have no choice but to proxy mate. (The Big Pun)
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When
she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she
harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The
director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to
go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough pigeon-towed
dancers in the company already. (Kathlene Shoemaker)
According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been
linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean
tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the
weekend, Leave him alone, he's working out. (Patricia)
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because people are sleeping." Asa thought, "They must be bored
again Christians." (William Brabant )
While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud
crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and
dishes. Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. There was a small cut
from the scattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.
"What happened?" he asked. "Attacked by a flying saucer," I replied.
(Douglas Helsel)
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking,
when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows
wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm
game.'" (Dosti Yarri)
When my son was around nine, we had a very wet spring causing several of
his baseball games to be cancelled or postponed. Finally a make-up game was
scheduled for one of the games. I told my six year old daughter that if she
had any homework that day she needed to be sure to complete it during
aftercare at school because her brother had a make-up game. That night
since it was still too wet for her to play, she moved from lap to lap.
While she was in my lap, she looked at her brother's dug-out and then she
looked at the other dug-out. She turned to me and asked, "Are we wearing
make-up or is the other team?" (Richard Sissel)
When the owners of sled-dog teams in Alaska got to arguing endlessly about
whether or not their huskies would run faster if given periodic snacks
during their runs, instead of just one big meal a day, it was just a case
of Mush Ado About Noshing. (Tyler Kaus)
I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned
mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise
ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area.
But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of
escort service." (Fred Rouse)
Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became ill
while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus
infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in
the annals of horticulture as ... the blight of the fumble bee. (Carol's Humor)
As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac is used to hand-me-downs. He
was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him to a
store to choose a watch. A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is
the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second hand." With
that, Isaac's face fell. "SECOND hand? I thought we were buying a NEW one!"
(Training 2 Laugh)
DEFINITIONS:
Lagoon: A stupid Frenchman (Stan Kegel)
Ionosphere: I have recently purchased a ball. (Gary Hallock)
Tabulate : A little identification flap worn by school children who weren't
on time that day. (Gunjan Saraf )
Wrench: Yiddish for where the cowboys live.(Jill K.)
Libertarian: Someone who only eats liberals. (Gary Hallock)
Minister: To use a small mixing spoon. (Stan Kegel)
Lazy: Set down the final letter of the alphabet (Cynthia MacGregor)
Parentheses: Within a mom's or dad's vision (Cynthia MacGregor)
Homogeneous: A really smart gay person. (Gary Hallock)
Tarmac - The All Black Model launched by Apple. (Gunjan Saraf )
Laceration: Limited allotment of doilies (Stan Kegel)
Endless Love:. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. (Alli Byler)
Lady in Waiting: The woman serving food in the finest restaurants (Stan Kegel)
Libido: The money used to purchase canned fruit. (Gary Hallock)
Linkage: Trying to connect two periods in history (e.g. the Ice Age, the
Dark Ages) (Cynthia MacGregor)
Lactose: Someone missing half a foot (Stan Kegel)
POETRY
The crew of the famous Thor Heyerdahl
Lamented, "We're all just too teyerdahl
Why on earth did you hire us?
We can't sail a papyrus!"
But he shouted, "Shut up, or you're feyerdahl"
(Graham Lester)
Do "The Vogue" at a party and dance,
But don't jump with the music and prance,
'Cause everyone knows,
Just strike a good pose,
And then say, "May I have this stance?"
(Kirk Miller)
Throughout all the yangs and the yins,
There's an instance when nobody wins.
I've always believed
That when you're conceived,
Your life's ova before it begins.
(Kirk Miller)
If you see four leaf clovers, don't pluck
The small plants, or your fate runs amuck.
If you iron a leaf,
Then for sure you'll find grief,
Because then you'll be pressing your luck.
(Kirk Miller)
Lots of cheese I did melt; I'm ruing it.
I was told I should start eschewing it.
Though I made quite a mess,
I must say, I confess,
That I really did have fonduing it.
(Kirk Miller)
Clark Gable
Was able
To live without sham.
He just didn't give a damn.
(Gunjan Saraf)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"This tooth extraction could take for ever," said Tom with infinite wisdom.
(Gill Krebs)
"We can form a monopoly with this merger," Tom declared trustingly. (Paul
Dickson)
"Do you believe in the myth of Red Indian cannibalism?" asked Tom
creatively. (Gill Krebs)
"Here is the fourth Timex I have found this week," Tom said watchfully.
(Paul Dickson)
"Dorothy, if you're going to Oz again, I'm going with you", Aunt Em barked.
(Gill Krebs)
"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly. (Gill Krebs)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
JAIL MAY HAVE TO CLOSE DOORS (Richard Lederer)
TV personality David Frost was discussing the problems of pollution on his
syndicated TV program. He told how important lie thought it was for
pollution inspectors to "personally pass drinking water." (Kermit Schafer)
MAN FOUND DEAD IN CEMETERY (Richard Lederer)
Missing - A purple lady's bicycle from the church parking lot. (Gail S.
Angel)
On Channel 2, in Chicago, the evening announcer finished up a commercial
for an arthritis relief ointment with this live closing -. . "For more
inflammation read the label." (Kermit Schafer)
ACTOR'S DEATH DURING FILMING USUALLY CAREER-LIMITING MOVE (Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: (Reading headlines) "... accident on freeway involves four
cars, hospitalizes one . . (Kermit Schafer)
Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out. (Gag-O-Matic)
RELIGION PLAYS MAJOR PART IN MESSAGE OF EASTER (Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: Enthusiasts from far and wide journeyed hundreds of miles to
queue up in some instances for more than six hours outside the British
Museum to get a look at King Tutankhamun, the famous mammy. (Kermit Schafer)
Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
(Gag-O-Matic)
GUNFIRE IN SARAJEVO THREATENS CEASEFIRE (Richard Lederer)
Commercial: "This king-size refrigerator is large enough to seat all the
nudes of your family ---Suit all the needs of your family!!!" (Kermit Schafer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Said the good little girl to the bad little girl,
"It's awfully hard to be good"
Said the bad little girl to the good little girl,
"It's got to be hard to be good" (LOL Lewd Lines)
Friend's may come
And friend's may go
And friends may peter out you know
But we'll be friend's
Though thick and thin
Peter out or peter in
(Michael E. Lehner)
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" (Paul Cooper)
63% of men have had sex in the shower.The other 37% have never been to
prison. (Jay Leno)
After dinner, Susie settled on the couch next to John and started removing
his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were going to make
love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but why didn't you just
say something?" Susie purred, "At dinner you said you'd like a little piece
and quiet around here sometimes. Well, you're getting some piece, and I'm
being quiet!" (Underw8)
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long it'll stay (Foot Long Hot Dog).
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas
City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother
and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked
the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a
clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines
always pulls out on time." (Mr. Naughty)
Hematologist: The opposite of a urologist, he's a doctor who pricks your
finger. (Lexicon)
Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"
Yeah! It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it
off! (Kevin Rayner)
An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian
women at a local bar. So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked 20
gay men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex. The gay men at
the bar responded, "It tastes great!" And the gay women responded, "It's
less filling." (Bill Johnson)
What do you call a guy who is afraid to use a condom?
A Rubber Chicken. (William Brabant)
Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive
was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door neighbor. "Since
you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and
sleep with yours!" "Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you
good." (Haust Javeri)
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet. (Kevin Rayner)
What's the slogan for the new British tampon?
"We may not be Number One, but we're still up there!" (LOL Lewd Lines)
I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.
(Monica Lewinsky)
Did you hear about the goose that made a broad jump? (Lederer & Ertner)
One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!" (Joke Central)
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke (Kevin Rayner).
It's not polite to talk with your mouth full, and it's not polite to talk
on the phone while you're taking a dump. And that pretty much sums up food
etiquette from beginning to end. (Dean)
What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin?
Never Bin Laidon (Bob W.)
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got
another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk
replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." (Laffaday)
I Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had
three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance
for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then asked, "How
many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" She frowned, gave me quite the
dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five...and...Don't call me
'dizzy'!" (Humor Digest)
Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking
it's dick. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him
first." (LAB Laughs)
"Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya." (Curly
David)
Alisha married a quiet man and after one week, he came home rather
flustered. "When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my
willy." "That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least
you could write." (Knight Craft)
A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in
through the back door loudly proclaiming, "Mom! Mom! I just stuck a Roman
Candle up a ducks ass!" His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase
corrects the child, "Rectum dear, rectum." The boy responded, "Wrecked
'im!? Nearly blew his fucking head off!!" (Awara Moun)
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a
suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where
she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?" The woman blushed and
replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one,
please." The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into
the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?" (Bob
Sachae)
"So I asked my ex, 'Did you think of me only as a sex object?'" "Good for
you! What did he have to say for himself?" "He said, 'Well, yeah! Every
time I wanted sex, you objected!'" (Adult Ticklers)
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. (E4Fun)
Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking
it's dick. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him
first." (LAB Laughs)
Two hunters went to Africa in search of the rare Foo Bird. The guide
explained to them to watch out for any large Foo bird that was circling
overhead, because often that bird would take a huge dump. "If that dump
hits you, do NOT wash it off for at leats 6 months, cause you will die!"
The next day the hunters went out hunting. Soon they saw A Huge Foo Bird
circling overhead. Sure enough, It let fly a big dump, and sure enough it
splattered right on one of the hunter's head. Remembering what the guide
had said, the Hunter left it where it was, but several weeks later it began
to smell. The smell was so unbearable that the hunter could not stand it
any longer. He, therefore decided to take a shower and wash it off.
Immediately, he dropped dead. The Moral of this story is: If the FOO Shits,
Wear it (Bob Sachae)