Puns of the Weak 10/04/02
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:
Banks are beefing up security after big time robberies. Most branches
have a device that stalls anyone ttempting a fast getaway. It's called
an ATM. (Alan Ray)
It's tough to believe, but it appears that there's yet another Hannibal
Lecter film about to be released. This time has the evil dude kidnaps a
young woman and rigs her bra with an explosive device. (Naturally the
trigger on this bomb is bobby trapped with double D batteries.) Well, at
least you don't have to worry about seeing any gruesome on screen
cannibalism this time. He detonator. (Gary Hallock)
Ted Kennedy warned the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International
Studies Friday that the president is recklessly driving the nation
toward war. His views must be taken seriously. He's the U.S. Senate's
recognized expert on reckless driving. (Argus Hamilton)
The U.S. Supreme Court might decide if New Jersey's Supreme Court can
re-write election laws to help Democrats. The controversy is great for
tourism. From now on, New Jersey can advertise all over the world it has
the same climate as Florida. (Argus Hamilton)
It's been reported that seven players on the New York Mets used
marijuana this season. So, I guess this proved that our parents were
right: marijuana is for losers." (Conan O'Brien)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
What do you call the pilot who will seed clouds for the proper price?
A storm seller (Stan Kegel)
Why is "The good book" always priced low?
To make it wholly buy-able (By Gary Hallock)
Four guys were playing cards in a train when it happened to cross a
trestle above a flash flooding river. What game were they playing?
Bridge Over Troubled Waters (By Clynch Varnadore)
What is the term for someone who converts to another denomination?
A Sects Change (By Stan Kegel)
What sort of poultry likes to eat the seed of oak trees?
Acornish game hen (Gary Hallock)
Charlie entered a butcher's apprentice program. After about 6 months of
cleaning equipment and grinding meat for hamburger and sausage he felt
he was ready to move on to steaks, chops, roasts etc. He told the boss
that he was anxious to do what?
` Get off the ground floor (Ken Pinkham)
What is the name of the House-Senate Conference Committee that is
considering legislation to legalize Cannabis products when used for
medical purposes?
A Joint Sesion of Congress (By Stan Kegel)
What do psychologists call a person who lives in constant fear that
everyone is out to fix-up his broken stuff?
Repair annoyed (Gary Hallock)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What do the starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common?
They are both searching for the Final Front Ear! (Robert Mendell)
Did you hear that NASA just recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit?
They called it the herd shot round the world. (Sharii Ann)
After watching an undertaker, how might you describe someone's death?
As a fit of coffin. (Lars Hanson)
Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
He couldn't resistor (Gary Hallock)
What's the difference between an aching vulpine and two pair of stockings?
One is a sore fox and the other four socks. (Lederer & Entner)
Why couldn't Ted Bundy go out the night he was executed in the electric chair?
He was grounded. (Archives)
What gormet meal was made from Bela Lugosi's cremated remains?
Hungarian Ghoul Ash? (Gary Hallock)
If a person has a bee in his hand, what does he have in his eye?
Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. (Dave Coble)
JEST FOR KIDS
Knock knock.
Who's there.
Zombies.
Zombies who?
Zombies make honey and zombies don't. (Lederer & Swanson)
How did the two vampires fall in love?
It was love at first bite (Daily Groaner)
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome. (Paul Croft)
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem. (Trinitty)
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures. (Trinitty)
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend (Clynch Varnadore)
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite. (Jackie Holle)
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them. (Joke of the Day)
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up. (Gary Hallock)
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin! (Clynch Varnadore)
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape. (Bunch o'Jokes Club)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts. (Jeff P. Symonds)
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body. (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps (Gary Hallock)
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits (Stan Kegel) .
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet. (Jokes Central)
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life. (Trinitty)
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend. (Lederer & Entner)
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches. (Gary Hallock)
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer. (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights. (C C Jokes)
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path. (Gr8 Humor)
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
It had mittens (Stan Kegel)
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells. (Anya, 10)
What is the difference between a soaking wet day and a lion with a toothache?
One is pouring with rain, the other roaring with pain (Lederer &
Entner)
Why did the police officer give the dog a ticket?
For double barking (Chantra, 10)
Why did the Amish couple get divorced?
He was driving her buggy (Daily Groaner)
What do two oceans say when they meet?
They don't say anything, they just wave. (Kids Jokes)
What do you call it when pigs do their laundry?
Hogwash! (Jackie, 8)
What is the fastest way to get a police dog?
Dial K-911 (Jeff Rovin)
What is the most important use for cowhide?
It helps keep the cow together. (Ron 12)
What did the dirt say to the rain?
"If this keeps up, my name will be mud." (Stan Kegel)
Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?
He lost interest. (Daily Groaner)
Why are dogs poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet. (Jeff Rovin)
Why can’t you have a conversation with a ram?
Because he keeps butting in (Hilary, 10)
What kind of animals do you not want to play cards with
Cheetahs & sharks (Gary Hallock)
What did God tell Moses to take for his headache?
Two Tablets! (Archives)
What did the vet say when the snake got caught in the garbage disposal?
It won't be long now (Jeff Rovin)
What do you get from a confused chicken?
Scrambled eggs! (Daily Groaner)
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up (Daily Groaner)
What was the Pilgrims favorite dance?
The Plymouth Rock (Georgia, 9)
What do you call cattle that sit on the grass?
Ground beef.(Kids Jokes)
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word “gruesome” in it
Student: The man stopped shaving and “gruesome” whiskers. (Michele, 11)
What did the cotton plant say to the farmer?
"Stop picking on me!" (Stan Kegel)
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned. (Tony Thoennes)
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was trying to make-up her mind! (Daily Groaners)
My dog saw a sign on a park bench that said, "Wet Paint"
So he did. (Stan Kegel)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. (Randall Woodman)
How did the sick parrot get to the vet?
Flu (Jeff Rovin)
What do you call nervous insects?
Jitterbugs.(Kids Jokes)
Did you hear about the guy who survived being struck by lightning?
He was shocked! (Tara Kelley)
Why did the Moon stop eating?
Because it was full (Kevin, 8)
What do the three bat friends do during the day?
They just hang out. (Jasmine, 9)
What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a
rabbit suit?
An ether bunny! (Medical Humor)
What dance was invented by Charles Dickens?
The Oliver Twist (Susan, 10)
Get off the cook stove, Grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.
(Pastor Tim)
How did the big mountain know that the little mountain was fibbing?
Because it was only a bluff. (Stan Kegel)
I knocked on the refrigerator door because there was a salad dressing
inside. (John Warren Hines)
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She had no control over her pupils (Daily Groaner)
What's the definition of a will?
It's a dead giveaway. (Daily Groaner)
What kind of gas do snails prefer?
Shell (Alec, 9)
What do you get when strawberries go dancing?
A strawberry shake (Adam, 6)
Where do you go if your dog’s tail falls off/
A retail store (Andre, 10)
DAILIES:
The baseball pitcher's retirement was at the end of a wonderful ERA.
(Pun of the Day)
Hawaii vacationers are here today, gone to Maui (Pun of the Day)
During the course of his career, the poet ended up going from bad to
verse. (Jumble)
Steal a clock, face time. (Very Punny)
The first time he put the horses on the carriage it went without a
hitch. (Pun of the Day)
The old doctors practice of bloodletting was all in vein (Pun of the Day)
After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his
car pet privileges. (The Big Pun)
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients (Pun of the Day
A fellow recently demanded a large ransom to release a busload of
tourists from Prague. that he had hijacked and hidden in a cave. When it
was discovered that the whole thing was a scam, he was charged the
fraudulent caching of Czechs (Norm Stevenson/Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
A successful dieter might win the No belly prize (Pun of the Day)
A cottage cheese diet consists of eating your curds and weigh (Pun of
the Day
You'll never be able to make a kite by tying flippers to your Cabbage
Patch Kid. Everyone knows that doll fins can't fly. (The Big Pun)
With the new models coming out, my uncle went to buy a new car. He liked
the Mercedes, but didn't have enough cash. So he bought what he could, a
Ford. (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
It was such a big piece of gold, he didn't know what to assay. (Pun of
the Day)
The comedians turned the poker parlor into a house of cards. (Jumble)
A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter (Pun of the Day)
Smells in the army are according to rank (Pun of the Day
When he worked out with weights, he discovered its uplifting. (Jumble)
COMICS
“Welcome to Eyeball News. In Washington today, freezing weather hated
progress on prescription drug legislation” “Hill Chill Kills Pill Bill”
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Counselor. It's taken me twice as long to cure your guilt complex as it
has secured my other patience. You should be ashamed of yourself.
(Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
“A New Mexico company is developing a dries turkey meat snack.” “Turkey
Jerky from Albuquerque!”(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
"You're my third patient in a row with a persecution complex . . . Just
who is sending you guys in here?" (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
“Elsewhere, the President’s home state is imposing a luxury tax on
formal evening wear.” “Texas Taxes Tuxes!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
I have such a guilt complex that every time there's an eclipse, I think
it's my fault. (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
Watching film of New York skyline : “Daddy, what does that say?”
“‘Present Day’” “Does that mean its supposed to be Christmas?” (Drabble,
Kevin Fagan)
“Grimm, stop yelling. I’m just taking you to a doggie shrink” “Did you
hear that. I’m being downsized” (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)
ONE-LINERS:
Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund? Or is
that stretching it a bit. (Norm Gilbert)
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear and
an interloper playing. (Ron Klar)
The theater critic praised the first show of the season because he did
not want to stone the first cast. (Corny Puns)
Royal chairs are rarely throne out (Michael Bull)
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells his
boss it's time to pay the piper. (Doug Helsel)
If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a
sentence, it's a judge. (Doug Helsel)
In the old days, a suspended sentence was hanging. (Mike Bull)
Sign on northern nudist camp gate: "Clothed for the Winter." (Very
Punny)
The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living
in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it. (Jay Trachman)
Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the bit
parts. (Simon Champion)
I fell in a vat of gum at work, then my boss chewed me out. (Trent Cutler)
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a
partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray
Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar" (Archives)
Have you heard about the new airline for old people?
Its called Incontinental.(Richard Lederer)
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock? (Corny Puns)
In the Canadian forests, it's sometimes hard to cedar wood for the
trees. (Simon Champion)
Diarrhea runs in my family. It's in our genes. (Stan Kegel)
The first telephone conversation was only 18 feet apart. It was a close
call. (Art Moger)
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous
price has actually bought it for an absurd figure. (Donna Eaker)
The student who said his bible had been run over by a steamroller was
stretching the truth. (Simon Champion)
If you toss a young cat out the window is that "Kitty Litter?" (Corny Puns)
One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a
sole-mate. (The Pun Page)
Some like the bikini. I don't like the bikini atoll. (Harry Farkas)
The fabric of her halter top looked so soft, I thought it must be felt.
(David Reihmer)
Bars are something which if you go into too many of, you're apt to come
out singing a few of, and maybe land behind some. (Archives)
He is one of those fuss-budgets who‚s always making mountains out of
molehills. Of course, when he makes a mistake it is a butte. (Dick Harrington)
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers; it was platoonic. (Ron Klar)
The painting by the Frenchman was bought with other people's Monet.
(Steve Denton)
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. (Curly David)
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. (Terry Galen)
A sardine factory has canned its employees. (Daryl Stout)
Should I take up sculpting for a living? No. Do you want people to think
that you're a chiseler? (Louis Phillips)
The CIA agent sprayed his apartment with D.D.T. when he learned it had
been bugged (Stan Kegel)
An event where contestants are required to run as quickly as they can,
up near vertical cliffs covered with extremely large rocks, would be
called nothing but Sheer Boulder Dash. (David Reihmer)
GROANERS:
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for
food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and
leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a
cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it
because it had disappeared into thin heir. (Archives)
Paul Revere had just discovered that someone in Boston was a spy for the
British, and when he saw the young woman believed to be the spy's
girlfriend in an Italian restaurant he said to the waiter, "Hold the
spumoni. I'm going to follow the chick an' catch a Tory." (John L.
Ashman)
Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother
Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick
is a fine ship builder, but he's not the rigger Mort is. (Archives)
When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow mushrooms
in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake wanted all the
profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous varieties
in his partner's section. When. Abe found out, he had Jake arrested.
Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack of
evidence, the court did find Jake guilty of corrupting the morels of a
miner. (Phoebe Weiss)
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When
she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town,
she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told
her to go away. "But why," she wailed "Because we've got enough
pigeon-towed dancers in the company already. (Archives)
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is over, but the malady lingers on." (Very Puny)
Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail
waitress?" "Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now." "Really, is
she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?" "Not exactly, but
last night she said that she's said 'NO' for the last time." (Haust
Javeri)
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The
nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian, white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new
parents. "What will you name the baby"? The puzzled father looks at his
new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think
we will name him Sum Ting Wong." (Paul Sanders)
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked
into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All
right. How long do you need them?" "A long time. We're gonna build a
house." (100% Jokes)
"Pastor, I go to an Episcopalian church when I live in Colorado for half
the year, and to a Lutheran church when I am in San Diego the other half
of the year. Am I having an identity crisis?" "No, you're just
bi-sectual." (Archives)
Nick's Cafe was having a bad year. So, to boost profits, Nick decided to
sell small packets of coffee which he introduced as Nick's 100% Gourmet
Ground. To cut cost, he included chicory and was sure that no-one would
notice. Big Hoss came by one day and bought some. After drinking the
brew, he was hospitalized due to a severe reaction to chicory. Once
recovered, Hoss went to see his lawyer. After telling his story, the
lawyer asked him if he still had the remains of the coffee. But alas,
Hoss did not. The lawyer refused to represent Big Hoss as they didn't
have the grounds for a good legal case. (Wuga Buga)
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing
home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the
project we worked so 'hard on'." (Archives)
A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to
take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service
pumps, and the attendant asked, "What grade, miss?" "Eleventh!" she
replied. (Archives)
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory, when
the case comes to caught the judge decides to make an example of him to
discourage other youths from a life of crime. Judge: Well, what have you
to say in your defense? Boy: I'm sorry yer 'onor. Judge: I sentence you
to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately. Boy: But sir, it were only
a few bars of cheap soap. Judge: Consider yourself lucky, it could have
been life boy! (Archives)
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the
wrong tree!"(Cerberus)
DEFINITIONS:
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil. (Paul Benoit)
Triage: Counting the rings on a tree trunk (Stan Kegel)
Toad : It is what happens to an illegally parked frog. (Corny Puns)
Tactics: breath mints for dyslexics (Six-Pack)
Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge (Ed Hexler)
Bikini: A baiting suit. (Gary Lising)
Bar Code: Ethics for lawyers (Richard Lederer)
Tachycardia: Pinning your birthday cards on the Bulletin board (Stan
Kegel)
Incense: Holy Smoke! (Donna Eaker).
English Channel: The BBC (Gary Hallock)
Home page: when your family makes your beeper go off (Kim Kamando)
Homogenous: a brilliant gay man. (Paul Benoit)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I shot him in cold blood," admitted Tom gravely. (Monte Skaufle)
"I have had too many children," said Mary overbearingly. (Stan Kegel)
"If I was in charge, this bridge renovation would have been done
better," Tom pontificated. (Bruce Michel)
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly. (Lederer & Swanson)
"Icy," said the blind Eskimo as he threw back his margarita in a single
gulp. (Gary Hallock)
"I can't figure out these taxes!" Tom exclaimed unaccountably (Perfect Tommy).
"Skined, eared, nosed, mouthed and there's one more organ of the five
senses, " Tom sighed. (Barbara Bakie)
"I finally found a woman who would go out with me," said Tim
intimidatingly. (Harry Farkas)
"I wonder what it was like, being one of Zeus's daughters," Tom mused.
(Steve Powell)
"It's half a score," Tom said tentatively. (Stan Kegel)
"Germany needs to get rid of the Euro and get back to its old currency."
Tom remarked. (John Warren Hines)
"France needs to get rid of the Euro and get back to its old currency."
said Tom frankly. (Cynically Depressed
POETRY
International
Young toads scholar, is a tad
Czech and a tad Pole (Lars Hanson)
Who is never wrong?
Most likely it's the umpire
He's in foul a ball (Gary Hallock)
A really old vampire named "Tex"
Is "out for blood" and I suspects
He's not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It's you who will likely be necks (Gary Hallock)
The vamp gives the chickens a fright
When they see him they always take flight
But there's one that he catches
Whose jewelry he snatches
And he flies with his capon all night (Gary Hallock)
Flat frog on hot street
Only broiled drumsticks remain
Not a toad-al loss (Gary Hallock)
For each species old Noah established
Space sufficient for them to inhabit
But they ran out of room
With the Ark nearly doomed
From the habit of rapid young rabbits (Ed Bruning)
Some guy who had joined a fraternity
Got drunk with his girlfriend, dad burn it he
Knocked up the lass
Boy, that happened fast
He went straight from beer to paternity (Gary Hallock)
The mummy was looking quite dapper
"Got rich from my music, Old Chapper '
Cause the music that comes
When my bandages hums
Has made me the world's greatest wrapper!" (Clynch Varnadore)
BLOOPERS:
Church Bulletin: The ushers will eat all latecomers. (Syman Hirsch)
I wan' all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me." (Andre Dawson on being a role model)
Announcer: We have just received word from the court that the jury is
still out in the Lucy Brock paternity case and it looks like they will
be knocked up for the night ... That should be locked up for the night.
(Kermit Schafer
Q. James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A. Yes.
Q. And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A. (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it. (Richard Lederer)
Newscaster: You have just heard the news from in and around the nation.
... and now to Pauline Fredricks for the latest news from a broad.
(Kermit Schafer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke,
Made love to a cow as a joke.
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine.
Now they call him the old cowpoke! (Ms. Kitty)
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through." (William Brubant)
The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a
condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political
stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the
next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of
security while you're actually getting screwed. (Political Jokes)
Things were getting pretty hot in the back of my car when she screamed
out, "Kiss Me Where it Smells!" So I drove her to New Jersey! (Paul Cooper)
Two old women were sitting on a bench talking. One asked the other:
"How's your husband holding up in bed these days?" The second old woman
replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike." "How's that?" "He
climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere:' (Jokes
Central)
Porn actor: A man whose rise is starring. (Richard Lederer)
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out. (Curt Dayton)
I have now created a sentence that includes all the 7 deadly sins,
greed, sloth, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, and anger. Here it is: "It
angers me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than
my neighbor, who's wife I'd like to fuck, if I weren't so busy eating
pork-chops and sleeping all day." (George Carlin)
As I left the brothel, my companion for the evening told me, "It was a
business doing pleasure with you." (Stan Kegel)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches. (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old
squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of
fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw. They said,
"What happened to your two twenty year olds?" The Chief replied, "Me no
wired for 220!" (Don LoPresto)
Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual?
He was sucker for punishment. (Sandra Wilson)
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
You gonna eat that? (Michael Rogers)
Nymphomaniac: A woman worn out of bedlock. (Richard Lederer)
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't
stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night
frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day
found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
which now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00. (Trev's Naughties)
What would happen if you pump kin on Halloween night
You'll get arrested for incest! (Nemo)
What's the difference between a racing vehicle and a porn-film actor? A
racing vehicle is a stock car (Richard Lederer)
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down:' "My wife
just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." (Jokes Central)
What do you call a hooker that smokes marijuana?
A pothole! (Able 2 Laugh)
Oral sex: Something you need like a head in the hole (Richard Lederer)
I've taken so many showers to fight temptation in my life, every time it
rains I get an erection. (Paul Benoit)
An obviously underage boy goes into a bar, climbs up onto a stool, and
calls the barmaid. "Can I help you little boy?", she asks. "I'd like a
double shot of Jack Daniel's," he replies. She exclaims, "What do you
want to do, get me into trouble?" "Sounds good to me," he answers, "but
how "bout the drink first?" (Archives)
Sanitary Belt: A drink from clean shot glass (Curly David)
Why is Dracula a good date?
His idea of foreplay is a little 'necking'! (Clynch Varnadore)
Two college women were discussing the date one had had the night before.
"Oh, Nancy, he was sooo erudite, and clever, and sophisticated. He
speaks ten languages, drives a Lamborghini, took me to a Parisian
restaurant and ordered the meal and wine in French, then took me to his
penthouse apartment to look over his Russian book collection by the
fireplace." "Wow, Gail, he sounds fabulous! But just how far did he get
with you? "Well, I really rather not say, but he was quite a cunning
linguist!" (Archives)
What's the difference between an identical female sibling and a tornado
in a whorehouse? An identical female sibling is a twin sister (Richard
Lederer)
College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come. (Curt Dayton)
The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released it long-awaited
report on the late New York Yankee superstar, Mickey Mantle. The sordid
report detailed Mantle’s drinking problems, liaisons with married women,
and reported blackmail by gamblers. Buried in the report was the
Bureau’s reasons for initiating the investigations. It was reported that
J. Edgar Hoover was interested in meeting the home run hitter personally
when it was reported to him that Mickey Mantle was a switch-hitter.
(Stan Kegel)
Good thing the guy's name was Henry Ford and not Henry Anal. Otherwise,
a half million Americans would be driving Anal Probes. (Todd Filener)
Have you heard about the sultan who had ten wives?
Nine of them had it pretty soft. (Richard Lederer)
A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you have
the latest from Nine Inch Nails?" The clerk ogled her, then said, "What
I have is a splendid 8-inch wanker." The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a
record?" The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average."
(Curly David)
A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher
asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the
bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could
have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull" (Ms Kitty)
What's the difference between a baby boy and an opera director? A baby
boy sucks his fingers. (Richard Lederer)
What's the string on a tampon for?
Flossing after you eat! (Michael Rogers)
Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their
client's wife in bed with another man. "Just as I suspected," said the
first. " Let's go in after him." "Great idea," the other replied. "How
soon do you think he'll be finished?" (Curly David)
Sex organs: Meat to please you. (Richard Lederer)
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He
closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. (Archives)
Doctor, my boyfriend has dandruff. Is there anything you might suggest?"
"Why don't you just give him Head & Shoulders?"
"How do you give shoulders?" (Scott Sexton)
A hooker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned
him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a
pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the
concept of 'original sin'?" She responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not.
But if it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20." (David &
Susan Bowles)
What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption. (Bad Humor)
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating
outside the family. (Biker Lynn)
What's the difference between a year-round skier and wasp semen?
A year-round skier is a ski bum. (Richard Lederer)