Puns of the Weak 10/25/02

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Oct 27, 2002, 9:37:06 PM10/27/02
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PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10/25/02

IN THE NEWS:

Is there a giant bond between angels and heaven? (Stan Kegel)

Campbell Soup announced today that they will this week introduce
"Clinton Soup, " to honor our former president. It consists primarily of
a weenie in hot water. (Rozi Yorty)

President Bush is stumping for Republicans. He’s touting strong
employment figures. Not one of his friends is out of work (Alan Ray)

I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses
because he doesn't want to give up power. (Arthur C. Clarke)

Andy Rooney refused to apologize Sunday for belittling women reporters
who work sidelines at NFL games. Reaction was swift. He was vilified by
women's groups, ripped by the media and awarded a lifetime membership at
Augusta National Golf Club. (Argus Hamilton)

THE PLEDGE

For the religious right:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to
the Manifest Destiny for which it stands, one Judeo-Christian nation,
under a white blue-eyed God, indivisible until the South rises again,
with liberty and justice and a front-pew seat for everyone but the
homosexuals, feminists and Darwinists. Amen. (Playboy)

For National Rifle Association members:
I pledge allegiance to Samuel Colt — the man who made all men equal —
and to the Second Amendment behind which I stand, one nation under guns
with ammo and assault rifles for all. You got a problem with that? (Playboy)

For immigrants:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
understanding that this will not protect me if my associations,
statements, or behavior are deemed suspicious by the INS, FBI, CIA, the
office of Homeland Security or the cable TV installer who has agreed to
report "suspicious activity" such as being Middle Eastern. (Playboy)

For lawyers:
We, the undersigned, freely pledge nonbinding allegiance — with the
understanding that this does not constitute a contract between the two
parties, to wit, a natural person and the flag of the United States of
America. And to the republic for which said flag has been empowered to
act in all manners; one nation, under God (although any disputes arising
from this agreement will be governed by the laws of the State of New
York), indivisible without 30 days prior written notice supplied to the
parties either in person or by certified mail — with liberty and justice
reserved for the undersigned,
_______ _______
Citizen Flag (Playboy)

PUNY RIDDLES:

Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache she'd
stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being
charged with what?
In-cider trading (Gary Hallock)

What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?
Much ado about knotting (Cynthia MacGregor)

Ribet! Ribit! Croaking sounds filled the night as the frogs in the pond
went about their nightly froggie business. Great Grandma frog was
telling the young tadpoles about the old days when she had become
famous for her work in defense plants during the WWII war effort. "In
those days", she told them, "I was known as _____ ___ _______".
Rosie the Ribbiter ( Ken Pinkham)

In what New Jersey city do many homeless people's relatives live?
Hobo-kin (Gary Hallock)

What unit of measure do frogs use to describe the pain when they get
stabbed by a triune spear?
Gigahertz (Clynch Varnadore)

An ad agency and their brewing company client are planning on reviving a
once very popular advertising campaign. The plan is to use the same, but
now aged, critters to appeal to the middle aged beer drinker in a series
of promotions for the responsibility to think before your drink. What
will we now call the once famous critters?
They are older but-weiser frogs. (Gary Reeves)

What now defunct magazine was the favorite of caterers who specialized
in parties for depressed patients?
The Sadder Day and Evening Host (Stan Kegel)

OTHER RIDDLES:

Where do they cremate seductive women?
On vamp pyres. (Lederer & Swanson)

Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff! (Original Sin)

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Why was she fired from her proofreading job?
For throwing away all the Ws. (William Brabant)

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as he hits the
windshield?
His rear end. (Red Baby)

What is the difference between an adolescent and an adult?
Adolescents pray their face will clear. Adults pray their checks will
clear. (Stan Kegel)

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field.
But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A three pea suit (Daily Groaner)

What do you call a fish that can communicate in Binary?
A data bass. (Syman Hirsch)

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed. (The Daily Giggle)

Do you know how to make an elephant fly?
Well, first you have to start with a 60 inch zipper (Red Baby)

JEST FOR KIDS

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk. (Paul Croft)

What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist. (Daily Laugh)

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on. (C C Jokes)

What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?
Lazy Bones (Brenda, 9)

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?" (Jokes Central)

What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs. (Joke of the Day)

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank. (Paul Croft)

What was the werewolf's first name?
Harry (Gary Hallock)

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern. (The Daily Giggle)

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos. (Clynch Varnadore)

Where do vampires work?
At blood banks (Stephen, 9)

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin. (Joke of the Day)

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack (The Daily Giggle)

What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to. (Jeff P. Symonds)

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one. (Jokes Central)

How did the ghosts dance at the Halloween ball?
Sheet to sheet. (Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)

What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat! (Joke of the Day)
Ghost-Toasties (Gary Hallock)

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on
Halloween?
Ghoul-aid ( Trinitty)

Why don’t skeletons like winter/
Because the wind goes right through them (Johnny, 7)

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos. (Trinitty)

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin. (The Daily Giggle)

What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo-logna sandwich. (Jeff P. Symonds)

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in. (C C Jokes)

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation. (Jackie Holle)

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of
humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches. (Lederer & Swanson)

Was Robin Hood's mother known as Mother Hood? (Paul Benoit)

I asked the carpenter if he knew how to make a bandstand. He said,
“Sure. Take away their chairs.” (Red Baby)

What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
The banana split (Lawrence)

How did the rocket lose its job?
It was fired. (Hilary, 10)

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Stepping in a poodle
Hailing taxicabs (Daily Groaner)

Why is two times ten the same as two time eleven?
Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.
(Syman Hirsch)

What happens when a Dalmatian gets out of the shower?
It’s spotless (Cathlene, 11)

Seated at dinner, the cannibal murmured, "I don't care for your friend
at all." His wife replied, "So, eat your vegetables." (Gag-O-Matic)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going
to those places. (Henny Youngman)

What do you get if you cross an oyster with an owl?
Pearls of wisdom (Daily Groaner)

How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
Rocket (Daily Groaner)

What did one erupting volcano say to the other erupting volcano?
Go with the flow (Chelsey, 12)

What did the mommy snake say to the baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose! (Daily Groaner)

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
The heat was intense (Daily Groaner)

What is the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground (Vanessa, 11)

What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
An unidentified frying object! (Andrea)

What do you call a small shrub clinging to the walls of the
Grand Canyon?
Gorge Bush (Daily Groaner)

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. (Daily Groaner)

What’s the easiest thing to make for dinner?
Reservations (Rachel)

Why did the orange stop rolling?
Because it ran out of juice. (Steven, 10)

DAILIES:

A small boy went to the counter to pay for his lunch but he was a little
short. (Pun of the Day)

When he skipped a grade, the teacher said it was a smart move. (Jumble)

You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are
the hardest. (Very Punny/R. Dreiser)

If your thoughts are worth a penny than why do you have to put in your
two cents worth? (E4Fun)

Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to
look for it. (E4Fun)

Some planes are so cramped that passengers suffer jet leg (Pun of the Day)

Some bankers are generous to a vault? (Pun of the Day)

When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent (Pun of
the Day0

The triangle relationship soon became a wreck-tangle. (Pun of the Day)

A plateau is a high form of flattery (Pun of the Day)

People in the desert have dry humor (Pun of the Day)

When he applied for a mortgage, the lender said he could bank on it. (Jumble)

A cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same
time.(Biker Lynn/Very Punny)

One can-tanker-ous train railed another, asking, "What are you a-freight
of?" (Pun of the Day)

A pun can be made on any subject except a king -- who isn't a subject?
(Pun of the Day)

The people stand up for royalty, but the queen sits down for royal tea?
(Pun of the Day

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is
a fog horn made out of? (E4Fun)

afety goggles were invented by a peripheral visionary (Pun of the Day)

There's a repair shop for baroque musical instruments (Pun of the Day)

The consequence of playing drums often is re-percussions (Pun of the Day

When he hung the drapes wrong, his boss said, “It’s curtains” (Jumble)

COMICS

“Do you have superstitions?”
“Not really. Just regular stitions.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

“My family came over on he Mayflower. How about yours?” “My family came
over last month and they’re still here.” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

I thought your sister’s husband was guilty of palimony until I found out
“palimony” has nothing to do with living with a horse. (Wally ‘n Ethel:
Joe Martin)

hese days, I don’t have any trouble meeting expenses. I meet them every
time I go to my mailbox. (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)

Name the four food groups:
Canned, Frozen, carry-out and Delivered (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

At the sign convention: “Hey, it’s the bathroom sign guy, How about an
autograph, Bathroom sign guy?” “Don’t all me Bathroom Sign Guy. I do
have a name!” “I’m sorry. What’s your name?” “John” (Pearls Before
Swine: Stephan Pastis)

ONE-LINERS:

Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He
won't show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all transparent.
(Lederer & Swanson)

How about the classic line from "Young Frankenstein" in which Marty
Feldman admits the brain he stole was one from someone named Abby
Normal? (Mel Brooks, Via Lars Hanson)

You don’t have to worry about Daylight-Saving-Time at Halloween. The
holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time. (Lederer & Swanson)"

In the congressman’s speech he said, “Gentleman, I want to tax your
memories.” A colleague responded, “Heavens, why didn’t we think of that
before.” (Stan Kegel)

If you want to deliver mail to skeletons, try the bony express (From MAL).

Western Union opened an office in a grave yard so the spooks could send
and receive crypt-o-gram. (Archives)

He became an electrician because he was such a live wire. (Pastor Tim)

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in
the dark. (Doug Helsel)

Since he left his keys in the bank, he fled the robbery on foot and was
arrested when he ran into a fence. (Cryptograms)

The principle export of the United States is money. (Archives)

News from the Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association is that they've
appointed a new spokes-person. (Simon Champion)

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest. (Doug Helsel)

One guy accidentally fed Viagra to his pet snake and now it's a cane.
(Argus Hamilton)

Did Sir Lancelot come from the knight side of the tracks? (Archives)

Every morning is the dawn of a new error. (Doug Helsel)

Dungeons and Dragons is just a load of Saxon violence. (Simon Champion)

A diplomat is a man who can pull the wool over his wife’s eyes with the
right yarn. (Cryptoquote)

Take Champagne on a Saturday night - real pain Sunday morning! 9Trevor Mytton0

I'm as broke as the ten commandments. (Doug Helsel)

As a first-time patient at a naval dental clinic, I was looking around
for restrooms. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the sign pointing me
in the right direction. It read, "Patients' heads located upstairs."

And of course, you heard about the stake-out in the vampire emergency
room. (Lars Hanson)

Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked, "There
is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day." (Lederer & Swanson)

"If Charles Dickens were alive today, what do you suppose would be his
favorite cocktail? I think probably a vodka martini. "Why, you might
ask? Well -- Olive or Twist?" (Jim Entner)
Sign at a towing company: "We don't chargean arm and a leg. We just
want your tows." (Tony Thoennes)

She became a baker because she loved loafing. (Pastor Tim)

The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective accused
the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions. (Stan Kegel)

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning..(My Stacy)

Did Mr. Clean come from the bright side of the tracks?(Archives)

Didja hear about the leg joint that Davy Crockett's wife had him insured for?
When he died she collected Alamo knee . (Cynthia MacGregor)

My teacher thinks I'm going to to be famous. She said all I have to do
is mess up one more time and I'm history! (Becky Shiles)

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the
past perfect..(My Stacy)

“Do you know where in Italy you plan to spend most of your time?” “No,
not yet, but were leaning towards Pisa.” (Tony Thoennes)

To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts. (Simon Champion)

If you cut yourself, rub thyme into the cut, because thyme heals all
wounds. (Steve Jacobson)

ome power saws are a cut above the rest. (Doug Helsel)

GROANERS:

Everyone at the company where I work dressed up for Halloween. One
fellow's costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt
with a large 98.6 across the front in glitter. When someone finally
asked him what he was supposed to be, he replied, "I'm a temp." (Douglas Helsel)-

The Blonde on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky
computer programmer sitting next to her."Where are you going?" asks the
Blonde. "I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, the Blonde's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the
flight?" he asks. "Oh, fine," says the Blonde. "I sat next to this guy I
felt really sorry for." "Why'd you feel sorry for him?" "He didn't have
any testicles." "What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn
*that*?" "Because," says the Blonde, "he said he was going to a eunuchs'
convention." (Clean Laffs)

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check
and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted,
the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it No problem:
the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with
passing a bad check twice. (Ms. Kitty)

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to
the bar."What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of
blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please,"
said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let
me get this straight," the bartender said, "That'll be two bloods and a
blood light?" (Jokes Galore)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some
languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room
piped up, "Yeah, right."

Last winter a male friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee
called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to
him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey",
she told him, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend
the rest of our lives making each other sick!" (Firesong)

A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide
pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional
chaplain.The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for
the Senate or House?"The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both
houses of Congress, then prays for the country!" (Nekia)

At the Halloween ball, a number of the ghosts became drunk and
disorderly. One of theghouls observed, “Just like when he was alive
working as a bicycle mechanic, the bartender got the spooks too tight.”
(Lederer & Swanson).

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a
retired professor of history were sitting around on the porch of a hotel
in the Catskills, watching the sun set. The professor of history said to
the professor of psychology, "Have you read Marx?"To which the professor
of psychology said, ."Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!"

I remember my cousin's friend, Julia. We called her "Ju." Ju had an
annoying friend who kept on referring to himself as her cousin, and when
he was invited to parties he would make a fool of himself. On two
occasions had to be kicked out of the party. So the really cool thing
about her was not only was she a good listener, but she was the only Ju
in history to have their false kin removed twice. (Gilbert Krebs

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of
the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man
leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the
stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the
other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that
about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through." (My Stacy)

At the Halloween ball, a number of the ghosts became drunk and
disorderly. One of the ghouls observed, “Just like when he was alive
working as a bicycle mechanic, the bartender got the spooks too tight.”
(Lederer & Swanson).

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare the evening meal for her
family and guests when, in her haste, she accidently spilled a jar of
spice all over herself. Her daughter chose that moment to wander into
the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom... I need someone to talk to."
The mother incredulously replied, "Why would you possibly choose now to
try to talk to me?!?" to which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked
like you had some thyme on your hands." (Arhives)

The curvy redhead limped into the doctor's office complaining about a
trick knee. The doctor stooped down, peering at the knee, and asked,
"Now what's a joint like you doing in a nice girl like this?" (John Dratwa)

During a performance at the International Jugglers Association show in
Rapid City, S.D., a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts
managed to avoid the damaged area until a man who was juggling boxes,
accidently stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the
audience for his clumsiness, prompting a heckler to shout, "Don't worry
dude, it's just a stage your going through." (Inter Jugglers Assoc.)

A young boy on a doorstep says "trick or treat!" The man of the house
opens the door to see the lad wearing a pirate costume and he asks
"hello sonny, where's your buccaneers?" To which the kid replies, ...
"under my buckin' hat!"

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescrib ed a milk bath." The
clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" She replied, "No just up to my chin." (Archives)

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" (Lee Sissel)

DEFINITIONS:

Halter: Stop the lady (Gunjan Saraf)

Oncologist: Physician who is available 24 hours a day. (Gary Hallock)

Migraine: Favorite breakfast cereal (Stan Kegel)

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your
fridge (Marsha Coleman).

Insipid: Urinated in the ocean. (Gunjan Saraf)

Malaria: Section of town zoned for groups of stores (Stan Kegel)

Ideal: Poker player's declaration (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hat-trick: Pulling a rabbit out of your head gear. (Gunjan Saraf)

Dislocation: Where you are (Stan Kegel) I

Guerney: a leg joint that growls (Cynthia MacGregor)

Medicaid: Drink for health care providers (Stan Kegel)

Outrank: Smell worse that than the other guy (Ken Pinkham)•

Elixer: What a girl’s dog does when she pets him (Stan Kegel)

Champagne: a drink often taken by hypocondriacs (Trevor Mytton)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"Only 92 of our 100 cows were in the barn so I couldn't begin the
milking. We still lacked eight", Tom uttered . (Archives)

"After my warning, the suspect threw down his guns," Tom stated
disarmingly. (Stan Kegel)

"I'm clenching my jaw because our local clergyman has a toothache," said
Tom vicariously." (Gilbert Krebs)

"You should have known I have a very short fuse," Tom exploded suddenly.
(Stan Kegel)

"I dropped my fishing rod in the water," said Tom downcastly." (Gilbert
Krebs)

"My counsellor encouraged me to study accounting," Tom stated
figuratively. (Stan Kegel)

"I can't get my horse to stop," Tom said woefully..(Archives)

"The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready," Tom speculated."
(Gilbert Krebs)

Harass: Rude mention of the lady's posterior (Gunjan Saraf)

"I'd rather play forward," the basketball player said guardedly.(Archives)

POETRY

I took her broom but
If this witch must walk, I will
Not lose any sweep (Gary Hallock)

A sweet 'tater said, "Oh, yes ma'am,
I'm sentient, and don't give a damn.
You may think that it's jive;
But it's not; I'm alive!
I think, and so I yam."
(Kirk Miller)

Mom's not in costume!
I'll be the Wolfman and she
Will be the Mummy (Gary Hallock)

A sausage-eating
Armored soldier on horseback
It's my wurst knight mare
(Gary Hallock)

BLOOPERS:

John Masten, the celebrated singer, was in an automobile accident last
week. We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following
evening in four pieces. (Richard Lederer)

Please put your trash inside the dumpsters. Adults are throwing cans,
bottles, and trash down as well as the children. (Richard Lederer)

Wednesday afternoon, when Ruby Chesterfield stopped by to deliver
supplies for the church kitchen, she encountered a young man in the
process of robbing the food cabinets. After an extended chase all over
the church, she finally caught him by the organ. Ruby, the coach of our
high school track team, told police officers, "I was determined that
Andy Simmons was not going to have the personal satisfaction of
outrunning me." Although law enforcement officers and the pastor have
chosen not to reveal the identity of the offender, it is known that he
and his family are members of our church. (Doug Helsel)

Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered. (Doug Helsel)

The rape prevention course is a hands-on training and awareness session,
to be offered in the Franklin Elementary School. (Richard Lederer)

The witness claimed that he observed sex taking place between two parked
cars (Richard Lederer).

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
In her striving to please,
She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
(Versy/Very Punny)

There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
(Red Baby)

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just
told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
that?""Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster." (LOL Lude)

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One... Men will screw anything. (Red Baby)

Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" had never seen a
pussy before. (Myrddin)

Snow White has been chucked out of Disneyland! She was reported to have
pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted, "LIE BASTARD
LIE" (Jack Cook)

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters (Lady Godiva)

Confucius says, "Baseball all wrong, man with four balls can't walk."
(Rodney & Cathy)

A woman who works as a bank teller by day moonlights as a B&D hostess at
the sex club by night. She gives both sets of customers the same line:
Substantial Penality for Early Withdrawal. (Mike Wheeler)

Did you hear about the new deodorant for men called “Umpire”? It's for
foul balls. (That’s Comedy)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says it cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small
tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!" (Archives)

Do you think impotence is natures way of saying "no hard feelings? (Jack Cook)

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual
patients,he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office
in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of
these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"
To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK
im-potent!" (Rubin)

If you're offended by testicle jokes, you must be nuts! (Red Baby)

What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
They always have a cock in them. (Jokenite)

What is the difference between humor and odor?
Humor is a shift of wit (Kirk Miller)

A good girl says, “Good morning, Lord.”
A bad girl says, “Good Lord. Morning.” (Stan Kegel)

Anna was talking to her hair stylist concerning her daughter. "It's
silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about
losing her hair." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked. "Well, I
overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that
she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon." (Giggley Wiggley)

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered, "Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive." (Bambi)
If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate one of my
rooster's legs...what would you have?
A foot of my cock in your ass. (Piggley Wiggley)

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took home. "Well, what
happened when you got there?" asked Melva. "After we had some real
freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!" Somewhat shocked,
Melva asked, "What did you do then?" "I told him to get the hell out of
my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!" (Bambi)
Have you heard about the near-sighted woman?
She couldn't tell her friends until they were right on top of her
(Richard Lederer)

What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
"Hog wash!" (William Brabant)

What is the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?
A lost golf ball is a hunt on a course (Kirk Miller)

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous
woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her
a drink and then another and then another. After this and the
accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good
time". "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many
does it take?" (LOL Lude Lines)

Mary Jane was sitting on the curb in a dress with her legs spread. Mary
Janes mom said. ."Mary Jane put your legs together, the boys can see
your panties." Mary Jane just laughed and laughed...she knew she didn't
have any panties on. (LOL Lude Lines)

They arrested a monkey for throwing Rhesus feces atzoo attendants. His
charge? Turd debris assault (Tiffany Wimberly)

Did you hear they arrested the Eskimo pimp? He was charged with
maintaining a public ice whore. (Gary Hallock)

Schizophrenic: There are two people in my head and they're conspiring to
to do me in. Analyst: It can't happen, so don't let that pair annoy ya.
(Gil Krebs)

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a
ring?" "Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?" (Curly David)

Have you heard about the miserly customer at the whorehouse?
He'd always dicker before he'd dick her (Richard Lederer)

Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" -- but there *is* an "EAT ME" if
you're willing to use the "E" twice. (Lewis Shiner)

How is a dick like fishing?
You throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large
ones. (Paul Cooper)

David Reihmer

unread,
Oct 27, 2002, 11:39:24 PM10/27/02
to
In article <3DBCA2D2...@fea.net>, Stan Kegel <ke...@fea.net>
wrote:

> PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10/25/02
>

>

> The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective accused
> the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions. (Stan Kegel)
>

They users clarified the issue by demonstrating they were actually
jumping to contusions.

J. A. Mc.

unread,
Oct 28, 2002, 11:23:10 AM10/28/02
to
On Mon, 28 Oct 2002 04:39:24 GMT, David Reihmer
<sim...@mindspring.com> found these unused words floating about:

The judge just wanted to know who'd be taking the fall for the defect.

Sheila Dundee

unread,
Oct 28, 2002, 9:55:17 PM10/28/02
to
"J. A. Mc."
David Reihmer
Stan Kegel > >

> >> PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10/25/02
> >>
> >
> >>
> >> The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective
accused
> >> the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions. (Stan Kegel)
> >>
> >
> >They users clarified the issue by demonstrating they were actually
> >jumping to contusions.
>
> The judge just wanted to know who'd be taking the fall for the
defect.

Somebody just didn't know the ropes... and told a pack of lies.


Bobsey

unread,
Oct 29, 2002, 3:50:32 AM10/29/02
to
"J. A. Mc." wrote:

Chute, I was going to say that! (I know, that pun was deployable, but that's
all I could come up with dropping in like this).

J. A. Mc.

unread,
Oct 29, 2002, 11:50:37 AM10/29/02
to
On Tue, 29 Oct 2002 13:25:17 +1030, "Sheila Dundee"
<she...@chariotXCAPS.net.au> found these unused words floating about:

Are the newsmedia covering the unfolding story?


Logan

unread,
Oct 29, 2002, 7:31:33 PM10/29/02
to

Of course! They have a parachutes to catch the mail with

Sheila Dundee

unread,
Oct 29, 2002, 11:36:18 PM10/29/02
to

"J. A. Mc." "Sheila Dundee"

> >"J. A. Mc."
> > David Reihmer
> >Stan Kegel > >
> >> >> PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10/25/02
> >> >> The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective
> >accused
> >> >> the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions. (Stan Kegel)
> >> >They users clarified the issue by demonstrating they were
actually
> >> >jumping to contusions.
> >>
> >> The judge just wanted to know who'd be taking the fall for the
> >> defect.
> >
> > Somebody just didn't know the ropes... and told a pack of lies.
> >
> Are the newsmedia covering the unfolding story?

The media won't fall for this -they steer clear of rigged stories.


J. A. Mc.

unread,
Oct 30, 2002, 11:32:32 AM10/30/02
to
On Wed, 30 Oct 2002 15:06:18 +1030, "Sheila Dundee"

<she...@chariotXCAPS.net.au> found these unused words floating about:

>

Ghosts don't need parachute jokes - they have their own shroud lines.
{JAMc}

Sheila Dundee

unread,
Oct 30, 2002, 6:41:52 PM10/30/02
to

"J. A. Mc."
< "Sheila Dundee"
> >"J. A. Mc." "Sheila Dundee"
> >> >"J. A. Mc."
> >> > David Reihmer
> >> >Stan Kegel > >
> >> >> >> PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 10/25/02
> >> >> >> The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed
defective
> >> >accused
> >> >> >> the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions. (Stan Kegel)
> >> >> >They users clarified the issue by demonstrating they were
> >actually
> >> >> >jumping to contusions.
> >> >>
> >> >> The judge just wanted to know who'd be taking the fall for the
> >> >> defect.
> >> >
> >> > Somebody just didn't know the ropes... and told a pack of lies.
> >> >
> >> Are the newsmedia covering the unfolding story?
> >
> > The media won't fall for this -they steer clear of rigged
stories.
> >
> Ghosts don't need parachute jokes - they have their own shroud
lines.
> {JAMc}

I can't believe I have been roped into a thread that has descended
this low!!


Bobsey

unread,
Oct 31, 2002, 5:20:28 AM10/31/02
to
"J. A. Mc." wrote:

Yes, their chuting a lot of film for free (falling). No strings attached.

-- Rip Cord

J. A. Mc.

unread,
Oct 31, 2002, 1:45:05 PM10/31/02
to
On Thu, 31 Oct 2002 10:11:52 +1030, "Sheila Dundee"

<she...@chariotXCAPS.net.au> found these unused words floating about:

>

Feel free fall out!


David Reihmer

unread,
Oct 31, 2002, 1:54:55 PM10/31/02
to
In article <1hu2suoe3rsl7chke...@4ax.com>,

Shouldn't there at least be a paratroopers to keep it going, or canopy
possible with just one?

Don Kirkman

unread,
Oct 31, 2002, 5:45:12 PM10/31/02
to
It seems to me I heard somewhere that Sheila Dundee wrote in article
<3dc06e43$1...@news.chariot.net.au>:

Larry at the line at the store said it was noose to him, too, but I said
"Knot to me."
--
Don
don...@covad.net

mike whEeeler

unread,
Oct 31, 2002, 10:04:26 PM10/31/02
to
In article <simwah-BD4B92....@netnews.attbi.com>,
sim...@mindspring.com, David Reihmer was looking at the world oddly when:

If you canopy, you need to drink more water..
Same advice if your shits flakey..


J. A. Mc.

unread,
Nov 1, 2002, 3:15:17 PM11/1/02
to
On Thu, 31 Oct 2002 18:54:55 GMT, David Reihmer
<sim...@mindspring.com> found these unused words floating about:

One's enough - see your Cliff Notes. ... Luke Skydiver.


J. A. Mc.

unread,
Nov 1, 2002, 3:16:09 PM11/1/02
to
On Thu, 31 Oct 2002 14:45:12 -0800, Don Kirkman <spamb...@covad.net>

found these unused words floating about:

>It seems to me I heard somewhere that Sheila Dundee wrote in article

Sounds like you know your hang time!


nemo

unread,
Nov 2, 2002, 11:42:15 PM11/2/02
to

David Reihmer <sim...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:simwah-F2A968....@netnews.attbi.com...

And when they dropped bees by parachute they were accused of skyed hiving.


Bobsey

unread,
Nov 3, 2002, 3:46:28 AM11/3/02
to
"J. A. Mc." wrote:

Feel free fall out!

That's "clef" notes if you're taking music lessons. ... Band's Solo

nemo

unread,
Nov 6, 2002, 5:26:28 PM11/6/02
to

J. A. Mc. <xx...@lvdi.net> wrote in message
news:1hu2suoe3rsl7chke...@4ax.com...
If you moth go, then you can farfall out too.


nemo

unread,
Nov 6, 2002, 5:30:58 PM11/6/02
to

Don Kirkman <spamb...@covad.net> wrote in message
news:svb3su88c0eq5nafu...@4ax.com...
Bet he could make a Sheep Bend too. He'd insert his Thumb and the sheep's
face would be Reefed in smiles! Didn't Half Hitch though!


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