Puns of the Weak 11/29/02
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:\
Recent extended missions of NASA's space shuttle astronauts have caused
me to speculate. Just how long do you think we might maintain a crew on
board the space station? I suppose some of them could be up there
forever endeavour. (Gary Hallock)
The day after Thanksgiving begins the Christmas shopping season.
Millions of Americans will peruse the aisles looking for that hard to
find item. A helpful store clerk (Alan Ray)
HOLIDAY PUNS
Did you hear the one about the guest speaker who was introduced after a
Thanksgiving dinner? The emcee said, "We have just enjoyed a turkey
stuffed with sage. It is now my pleasure to introduce a sage stuffed
with turkey." (Lederer & Ertner)
The pilgrims celebrated the day after a feast with the Indians by
getting in their boat and cruising up and down the coastline in what has
come to be called "The After-Thanksgiving Day Sail (Tiffany Wimberly)
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing. (Lederer & Ertner)
The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service. A ragged
man in the audience asked, "What is there to be thankful for?"
Surprised, the minister replied, "What is your name,sir?" "Cause," was
the reply. "Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body..."
"I'm blind and I have lung cancer" "...or your family..." "I don't have
a family" "...or your home..." "I don't have a home." "Well, then I
guess you’re a lost Cause!" (Teen Jokes)
I don't think i'll attend this years Thanksgiving dinner, - My wife gave
me a haircut this morning. And now she said she's going to make
Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings. (My Stacy)
It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any
latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the rabbi, was called
upon to help solve the problem. He said, "don't worry, you can
substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as
delicious!" Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Mortey, you think
it'll work?" And Mortey says, "Of course! Everybody knows Rudolph, the
Rab, knows grain dear!" (Latkes: Potato Pancakes, a traditional food at
Hanukkah dinners) (Whimsical Wits)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
What's the most popular type of coffee sold at the donut shop near the
police station?
Cop-uccino (Gary Hallock)
If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom and you're Finnish when
you come out of the bathroom then, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
European (Tiff Wimberly)
When someone orders his steak very rare it is sometimes said that you
can still hear it "moo." What medical malady might you experience if
your haggis is undercooked?
Intestinal Bleating (Gary Hallock)
How is a place where strategy is decided different from a woman’s chafed interior?
One is a war room; the other is a raw womb. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What medium should the psychic friends have used to disseminate their
predictions?
Tell-a-vision (Lars Hanson)
OTHER RIDDLES:
Why is a good writer like a criminal?
Because they both prefer short sentences. (Richard Crasta)
.
What’s the difference between a Rodin statue and a starving dog?
One's a "Thinker," and the other's a thin cur (Lederer & Ertner)
When Pavarotti got his first big break one might have called it a what?
A Grand Opera-tunity (Daily Groaner)
What’s the difference between yachtsmen and shad?
Yachtsmen sail, but shad roe. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do lingerie salespeople do when customers accuse them of overcharging?
Give them the slip (Clynch Varnadore)
What’s the difference between a stoic and a cynic?
A stoic brings the baby, and then you wash it in the cynic. (Lederer &
Ertner)
Why did the two blondes have trouble finding their car in the parking lot?
Because it was the "blonde leading the blonde." (Tony Thoennes)
JEST FOR KIDS — THANKSGIVING
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims! (Zack, 10)
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed! (Jokes 4U)
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam (Jokes 4U)
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape (Jokes 4U)
Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood. (Lederer & Ertner)
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving?
A tur-key, of course! (Kids Jokes)
What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?
"Pleased to eat you!" (Kids Jokes)
Why did the man quit smoking cold turkey?
Because the feathers made him cough. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks. (Lederer & Ertner)
As the father turkey said to his misbehaving daughter, "if your mother
could see you now, she'd turn over in her gravy." (Lederer & Ertner)
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it (Jokes 4U)
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language (Jokes 4U)
What is your favourite thing to make for Thanksgiving dinner?
Reservations! (Kids Jokes)
How is an undercooked turkey like a monsters ideas?
Both of them are half-baked! (Kids Jokes)
Teacher: "Who built the first American car?"
Student: "Me Pilgrims."
Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"
Student: "Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact." (Kids Jokes)
Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
No, you should just have the turkey! (Teen Jokes)
What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
Take him out for pizza and ice cream! (Kids Jokes)
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore (Jokes 4U)
Or, as we always say: Show us a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers in
the garbage, and we'll show you a man who quits cold turkey. (Lederer &
Ertner)
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all (Jokes 4U)
Why was the dog chasing the band in the Thanksgiving parade?
He wanted to bury the trombones! (Kids Jokes)
Why was the man afraid to talk turkey?
Because he was chicken. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play (Jokes 4U)
Teacher: "Where did the Pilgrims come from?"
Student: "Their parents, of course!" (Kids Jokes)
Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
Because it makes it blush! (My Stacy)
Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?
Because he wasn't very hungry and wanted a light snack. (My Stacy)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do you get if you cross a cow with a belly dancer?
A milk shake (Daily Groaner)
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned! (Ryan, 8)
Why did the string get a time out?
Because it was knotty (Anjall, 6)
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don't take me for granite! (Zev, 12)
Why is a cat bigger at night than it is in the day?
Because it is let out at night and taken in during the day (Jerlyn F.)
What’s the difference between a manufacturer of expensive floor
coverings and contented cats?
The first produces Persian rugs, and the second produces purrs on rugs.
(Lederer & Ertner) .
What is the turtle’s motto?
“All’s shell that ends shell” (Mini Jokes)
What happened when the wheel was invented ?
It caused a revolution. (Daily Groaner)
What do you get if you cross a Hershey bar a cow and an Arab?
A chocolate milk sheik (Daily Groaner)
What do ghosts like to drink?
Evaporated milk (Zack, 10)
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling very well! (Dan, 2)
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose! (Angie, 10 )
What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there ! (Kids Jokes)
What’s the difference between a butcher and a night owl?
One weighs a steak, and the other stays awake. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer! (Alex, 12)
Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can ho ho ho! (Hannah, 8)
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large. (Biker Lynn)
Why did the boy leave school with a chair?
The teacher told him to take a seat. (Archives)
Didja hear about the cat who swallowed a flashlight?
He hiccuped with delight. (Jerlyn F.)
Why don't rabbits get hot in the summertime?
They have hare conditioning! (Ariola, 7)
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a jaguar?
A car with a big trunk! (Cloud, 12)
What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie, and the other prowls on the hairy. (Lederer &
Ertner)
Teacher: “Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”
Johnny: “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Nickelodian (Archives)
There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was the
biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger (The Daily Groaner)
What did the big hand on the clock say to the little hand?
I’ll be around in an hour. (Stan Kegel)
What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
Lots of blood tests! (Hardik, 16)
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a chocolate filling! (Roselie, 10)
What coat has no buttons?
A coat of paint! (Jill, 9)
Why is Cinderella so bad at sports?
Because she has a pumpkin as a couch and runs away from the ball. (Sam, 8)
Why is your cat so small?
I fed her condensed milk. (Jerlyn F.)
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze! (Lynn, 9)
What has feathers and carries water?
An aqua-duct (Daily Groaner)
What do young ducks wear?
Hand-me-downs (Daily Groaner)
What’s the difference between a world without any prehistoric animals
and a room with no exit?
One has no dinosaurs, and the other has no sign o' doors. (Lederer &
Ertner)
DAILIES:
A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item
(Pun of the Day)
Victoria's Secret is launching a new line offering a wide variety of
Freudian slips (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
If you drive through swamp country you will see them going bayou. (Pun
of the Day)
My uncle called my grandfather a deer when he let my antelope (Pun of
the Day
The fisherman bought the new lure because he was hooked. (Jumble)
When she stopped dyeing her hair, she showed her true colors. (Jumble)
How do you cure water on the brain?
With a tap on the head. (Very Punny)
Tires are fixed for a flat rate. (Pun of the Day)
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. (Pun of the Day
It has been said that Moses suffered most of his life with mental
problems. It seems that he was in denial as a baby! (James Paterson/
Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
I tried to pack myself in a suitcase. I could hardly contain myself.
(Pun of the Day)
To kill a circus in one blow, you go for the juggler. (Pun of the Day)
There was a fire at the circus? The heat was in tents. (Pun of the Day
When he got into a jam, the bully turned to jelly. (Jumble)
The lazy tailor slacked off a bit. (The Big Pun)
He threw snow in his neighbor's driveway and shouted, “Do you get my
drift?” (Pun of the Day)
A dairy farmer skimmed his herd and then condensed it? (Pun of the Day)
Organic farms are on the increase because they till it like it is. (Pun
of the Day)
A dairy farmer is a cow-ordinator who usually has to deal with heifer
dozen problems at once. (Pun of the Day)
A farmer with a rip in his clothes has an overall problem. (Pun of the Day)
Power corrupts, especially at the electric company (Pun of the Day)
If there are not enough electrical outlets in your office, you're in for
a power struggle (Pun of the Day)
Teachers may long for the end of the school daze. (Pun of the Day)
The cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils. (Pun of the Day)
When he ran into his girlfriend, the photographer ended up out of the
picture. (Jumble)
ONE-LINERS:
I used to be a Scrabble champion, but I became inconsonant and can't
control my vowels. (Richard Lederer)
Puns are for children, not groan readers. (Archives)
During a tour of the pillow factory, I noticed that there were a great
many midgets. I asked the tour guide why. He replied that they were
downsizing. (Archives)
I thought I might like to become a psychic tele-evangelist but I
couldn’t find anyone willing to fundamentalist preacher. (Gary Hallock)
A book on voyeurism may be a Peeping Tome. (Emily Meter)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Renee From Napa)
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is
kept up. (William Brabant)
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination. (Pastor Tim)
Why is it that every four days or so, some Chinese guy calls my pager?
Who is this Lo Cell, and what does he want with me? (Dave Henry)
A judge asked a locksmith who'd been apprehended in the back of a
grocery store, "What were you doing in that place when the cops
arrived?" The locksmith said, "I was making a bolt for the door!" (My Stacy)
I think it is fair to say that smokers are a dying breed. (Renee From
Napa)
Patience is counting down without blasting off. (Richard Lederer)
If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go. (Doug Helsel)
Since I have the shape of a yeast roll, don't you think I would make a
good roll model. (Lawrence Brotherton)
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
(Jokes 4U)
Skydivings good to the last drop. (Doug Helsel)
She became a baker because she loved loafing. (Renee From Napa)
Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control pills
into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month. (Patricia B.)
When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the
husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their
own devices. (Thieving Joker)
Is an incompetent doctor a Hippocratic oaf? (Lawrence Brotherton)
He became a realtor because he had lots on his mind. (Renee From Napa)
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-third less than for a regular bulb. (Owen Lorian)
To keep your mind clean and healthy, change it every once in a while.
(Richard Lederer)
"I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her mate.
"Just so long as he leaves me enough!" (Gail S. Angel)
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let
there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two
loads of laundry. (Kevin Krisciunas)
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. (Archives)
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. (Simando)
Procrastinate Now! (Helen Jayne)
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
suprising twist at the end. (Owen Lorian)
Lebanon, TN, is noted for its profusion of cedar trees. At a local
church, the ushers call themselves, "The Seaters of Lebanon." (Gene Lorenz)
Do you have any idea how many drunks there are in our country? The
statistics are staggering. (Thieving Joker)
Moishe asked Harry, "Was your wife outspoken?" Harry said, "Not by
anyone I know of." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. (Archives)
“Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.” (Samuel
Goldwyn, when told his son was getting married)
I've never had premonitions, but I think, one day, I might (Renee From
Napa)
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
darkness of Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "I'm
tired, let's just call it a day." (Archives)
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure. (Helen Jayne)
GROANERS:
It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini
skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
the investor then, is, ... "Don't sell until you see the heights of
their thighs!" (Archives)
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about
the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's
gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were
fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines
from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable
prices. (Me Mail)
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village
market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a
large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One
day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that
he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He
was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing
out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let
anyone pull the wool over my ice!" (Aha Jokes)
A headmaster adored all the students in his school. One day, masons laid
down a cement pathway leading to his house, and some of the young
scholars ran across the path before it was dry. Angered, the headmaster
beat the boys unmercifully. Apparently he loved children in the
abstract, but not in the concrete (Richard Lederer)
The other day, my wife and I were watching Family Feud on The Game Show
Network.The question was "Name an article of clothing that comes in
pairs" "Pantyhose" my wife answer quickly. "Dont be silly" I said,
"Pantyhose dont come in pears, the come in eggs". (Bradley Williams)
Things were zoo-ming in Bronx Park one day not long ago. In one part of
it, a lady and her son Peter were in- specting one of the outdoor pens.
"Mom," inquired Peter, "what's the particular object on the ground
underneath that funny-looking animal?" Mom looked intently, then assured
Peter, "There's nothing, son, under the gnu." (Bennett Cerf)
The millionaire was concerned when liquor started vanishing from the
mansion shortly after he hired a new butler. Confronted with his
employer's suspicions, the butler said, "I'll have you know I come from
a long line of honest Englishmen." Smelling alcohol on the butler's
breath, the millionaire said, "To be very frank, it's not your English
forebears which concerns me, but your Scotch extraction." (Paul Benoit)
This blonde is driving down the road when, her car breaks down on the
Interstate, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully
steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench
coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing
oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves
to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in
history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car
shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What the devil is going on here?" "My car
broke down," says the lady calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing
here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!"
replied the blonde! (Curly David)
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help
me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells
her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A
week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten
worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong
with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her
feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman
returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every
time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong
with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, ... you're just going through
your change!"
The Lord only gave Noah short notice of the coming flood. Noah and his
sons only had a few weeks to find pairs of the world’s animals. Some
such as the kangaroo were very rare outside their native habitat, and it
was only at the last minute that he found those. As the kangaroos were
climbing up the gangplank of the arc, Noah commented, “Now I herd
everything.” By the end of the trip many of the animals had multiplied
making Noah the first man to have bred his cast upon the waters.
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are
from may different countries and cultures. One day while waiting for a
new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and
assume that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So
when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was
Asian. As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she told me she was
Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause
she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!" (Paul Cooper)
I have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached
me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little
bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in
the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply." I told
them, "There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."
Sure enough, there were ads for . . ."Light Housekeeping needed. Apply
in person." (Gail S. Angel)
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs.
Everyone gets enough exercise: jumping to conclusions, beating around
the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their
feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth, bending the rules, and pushing their luck! (Curly David)
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus
had brought in for Thanksgiving, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of
them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help.
Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole
trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting
quack. (Biker Lynn)
An Irishman see's a job advertisement published on a building
site,"Handy man wanted Apply within'" So he does and speaks to the
foreman."Can you drive a fork-lift truck?" the foreman asks. "No!" "Can
you plaster?" "No!" "Can you brick lay?" "No!" "If you don't mind me
asking, what's handy about you?" "I only live five minutes down the
road!" (Michael Rogers)
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help
me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I
dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero.
Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says
the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience!” (Curly David)
An artist decided to buy a new easel.He wasn't too sure what type to
get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He
pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.
(Pastor Tim)
Although in these days we have access to fancy fonts and symbols, in the
olden days conventional typewriters had no way of making an umlaut. A
friend of mine solved this problem by taking the "x" key on his
typewriter and filing off all but the top bit. This left him with the
two sideways dots of an umlaut very satisfactorily. It did, of course,
result in his losing his "x" key, but so it goes. Everyone knows you
can't make an umlaut without breaking "x." (Archives)
DEFINITIONS:
Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster (Stan Kegel)
Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies. (Lexicon)
Laundress: Garb for outdoor party (Paul Dickson)
Haiku: Signal to center from a Japanese quarterback (William Safire)
Minimum: A very small mother (Stan Kegel)
Nudists: Folks who grin and bare it (Art. Moger)
Cannibal: A person who is fed up with people. (Lexicon)
Author: A person who is usually write (Stan Kegel)
Paucity: Depressed municipality. (Paul Dickson)
Buffalo: Two nudists greeting one another. (Lexicon)
Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge or a barber to your hair
(Stan Kegel)
Marigold: Find a rich spouse. (Paul Dickson)
Castrate: Hotel room cost for actors (Lexicon)
Castrate: Market price for setting a fracture (Lexicon)
Bronchodilator: A stallion who lives a very long life. (Stan Kegel)
Janitor: A floor flusher (Art. Moger)
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston. (Irene A. Mystery)
Kindred: The fear of visiting relatives (Cassett & Brookins)
Confront: A criminal money laundering enterprise. (Tim Bruening)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"Did you watch the Victoria's Secret Speccial?" Tom asked figuratively.
(Stan Kegel)
"I finally saw the arch," cried Tom, triumphantly. (PunAmerican News)
"You'll have to bare with me,' said the flasher (Duh Me)
“Look,It's a mallard,” Tom said seductively (Stan Kegel).
"The fate of my Scottish ancestors is a secret,” Tom said,
clandestinely. (PunAmerican News)
"I'm a member of the Lion's Club." Tom stated proudly. (Stan Kegel)
“I just saw a lion fly overhead," said Tom, uproarously.(PunAmerican
News)
“I tore a ligament in my knee,” Tom whined excruciatingly. (Stan Kegel)
"I'll have the bread with caraway seeds,” Tom said wryly. (PunAmerican News)
"I think I have Altzeimer's Disease," Tom said absentmindedly. (Stan Kegel)
POETRY
A notorious hooker named Shore
Would allow horny sailors to score,
But employed every means
Of avoiding Marines-
She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps. (Michael Rogers)
Show respect when you meet holy man
Be as formal and courteous as you can
His beard - don't you tug
But give a gentle hug
And hey, please, don’t squeeze the Shaman. (Guy Ben-Moshe)
I often have wondered, have you?
Where shamans get schooling and who
Would work at a place
Where grads earn disgrace
As sheepskin proclaims "Shaman U" (Gary Hallock)
BLOOPERS:
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing (Funny Pics)
Everything went all right, except my wife had to have a Sicilian section
(Richard Lederer)
Steals Clock, Faces Time (Funny Pics)
I met this nice guy who's in the service. He's the chief petting
officer. (Richard Lederer)
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff (Funny Pics)
We just had a plutonic friendship. (Richard Lederer).
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board (Funny Pics)
Please send this package via Partial Post. (Richard Lederer)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Funny Pics)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was
so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one
night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed." "What on earth
did she want?" her friend asked. "Oh... she just said, "I can't believe
I have a person inside me!" I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an
hour or so ?" (Jill’s Joke Line)
Have you heard about the couple who always showered before having intercourse?
They wanted to come clean (Richard Lederer) .
Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken. The first one
asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?" The second replies, "He's got
to focus." "Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the
picture first." (Curly David)
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?" (Sea Girl)
Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size
of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The
other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two
weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a
comparison made with the same results. The first boy said "I did what ya
told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy
exclaimed "Well, no wonder, that's shortening." (Archives)
Have you heard about the woman who made love with a ghost?
She didn't know she had it in her (Richard Lederer)
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him! (Sea Girl)
If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help jack off a horse? (Joke Nite)
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads. (Alli Byler)
Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said,
"Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short
on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a
perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very
high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over
heels anytime." (Michael Rogers)
"The only thing we don´t have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I
hear that that´s coming quickly." (Comicus, "History of the World: Part
1": Mel Brooks)
T Tom's Dick is Harry (Richard Lederer)
Have you heard about the gigolo in the leper colony?
Everything was fine until his business started falling off. (Richard
Lederer)
When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut
back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have
to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which ones
performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few. Night
after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the
chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous
technique." "What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother told
me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails." (Archives)
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen this
woman. Bill Clinton replied, "I think I've come across her face a couple
of times" (Alli Byler)
Cloning would be confusing, because if you had a clone and someone told
you to go fuck yourself, you wouldn't know whether to take them
seriously or not. (T. Z.)
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? Yes,
Intercourse .... you go between periods and you are expected to come
(Able 2 Laugh)
Have you heard about the new douche for women? Its made from marijuana,
Arrid deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It promises to leave you
high dry and finger licking good. (Paul Croft)
Have you heard about the cannibal who always ate everything that was
placed on his plate? He had a ball. (Richard Lederer)
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in. (Sea Girl)
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you wore me
I'd be cumming on you too. (Curly David)
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches. (Tony Thoennes)
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist.
Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third
woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do
you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the
postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box." (Over The Edge)
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. (Sea Girl)
Have you heard about the fat whore who retired?
Her departure left a big hole to fill (Richard Lederer) .
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming." (Sea Girl)
What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. (Tony Thoennes)
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his trousers. A woman
comes up to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The man says,
"A premature ejaculator." "What?" says the woman. The man says, "I've
just come in my pants." (Laff A Day)
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York
City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that
the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you
perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry
hungry!" She responds, "But why are you wanking off?" One of the three
says, "Because menu say `First come, first served!’ " (Paul Croft)
wo car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking ass." Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two
stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's
okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car." (Archives)
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his
new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him
to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been until this
hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." (Archives)