Kids Puns of the Weak 12-14-04
Stan Kegel
HOLIDAY PUNS
This we dreidel lot
Women and menorah frayed
To admit the truth (
(Gary Hallock)
Cathy is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!
(Rodney & Cathy)
When God discovers
Ms. MacGregor is a Jew
He'll leave Cyn agog
(Gary Hallock about Cynthia MacGregor )
God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay.
Unless it's all the Christmas Bills
Your wife told you to pay.
(Anon.)
My Hanukkah guilt:
Wonder what a Maccabee?
Not a latke know
(Gary Hallock)
What do you say to a bad puppy at Christmas?
Felix, Naughty Dog! (Sarah, 10)
What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do reindeers say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you ! (Kids Jokes)
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed ! (Kids Jokes)
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow ! (Jerome, 12)
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A 14 carrot ring! (Chalis, 11)
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish (Maurizio Mariotti)
What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Noel (Richard Lederer)
What did the little candle say to the big candle ?
I'm going out tonight !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause ! (Kids Jokes)
What did the sheep who witnessed the Nativity say toeach other on this
occasion?
łFleece Navidad!˛ (Tiff Wimberly)
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it ! (Kids Jokes)
We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey ! (Kids Jokes)
What kind of a beach would you find Santa surfing?
One with a Yule tide (Stan Kegel)
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause ! (Kids Jokes)
What do you say to a bad puppy at Christmas?
Felix, Naughty Dog! (Sarah, 10)
When does Santa finish delivering all the toys to the children?
Just in the St. Nick of Time (Mini Jokes)
When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on
... What?
Seasonąs Greetings (Richard Lederer)
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues ! (Kids Jokes)
What is the ghost called that hangs around Santa's Workshop?
A North Pole-tergiest! (Corny Puns)
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said," No L!" (Gail S. Angel)
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles ! (Kids Jokes)
In which month does Santa Claus eat the least?
February; because it's the shortest month. (Daily Groaner)
Never stand under a partridge in a pear tree at Christmas time -- 'cause
more than the Christmas spirit may be upon you! (Cheez Mistress)
For gifts this year, grills are a hot item. (Pun of the Day)
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. (Richard Lewis)
At Christmas time every girl wants her past forgotten and her present
remembered. (Syman Hirsch)
Rudolph, a dedicated Russian communist and important rocket scientist, was
about to launch a large satellite. His wife, a fellow scientist at the base,
urged Rudolph to postpone the launch because, she asserted, a hard rain was
about to fall. Their friendly disagreement soon escalated into a furious
argument that Rudolph closed by shouting: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear!" (Richard Lederer)
łHow was Christmas at your house, Elmo?˛ łMom told Dad she didnąt want any
expensive gifts so he didnąt buy her any. Boy, you talk about a Silent
Night!˛ (Blondie: Young & Lebrun)
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time
to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price,
not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide
you don't want. (Marsha Coleman)
At the typical Christmas dinner, Mom is always yelling, "Get out of my
kitchen!" The grown kids are always yelling at their tiny offspring, "Stop
running! You'll break Grandma's furniture!" Dad is always yelling, "Get out
of the way! I can't see the TV set!" The little ones are yelling, "It's my
toy! Let me play with it!" This is why this is known as the Holler Day
Season. (Cynthia MacGregor)
There is a provision in the lease between a regional shopping center owner
and its major department store tenant calling for the former to provide a
Santa Claus every year to ride on the store's escalators. This provision
could be referred to as an 'escalator clause.' (Syman Hirsch)
One December, when I was assistant manager of a children's bookstore, we set
up a special rack of small holiday books. Looking at a few of the Hanukkah
books on display, a customer remarked to the counter clerk how well priced
they were. "Yes," the clerk agreed. "And they make great stocking stuffers
too!" (Whimsical Wit)
My local theater group was in trouble when the lead actor, Christopher,
couldn't make the premier performance of "The Hound of the Baskervilles". So
as his understudy, I told the young lady director, "I'll be Holmes for
Chris, miss." (Robert Hampson)
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Because she couldn't control her pupils! (Pulak, 9)
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
"You have a lot of appeal." (Kid's Jokes)
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten. (Bill Brabant)
Why did the spy pull the sheets over his head ?
He was an undercover agent. (Kid's Jokes)
What kind of tooth is worth a dollar?
A buck tooth! (George, 17)
Why did the students flunk the final exam at the Magician's School?
They were all trick questions. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Can you trust a magic carpet?
No, they lie like a rug. (Daily Groaner)
What did the jack say to the car?
"Can I give you a lift?" (Kid's Jokes)
What's a King's favorite clothing?
A reign coat (Jaasmyn)
Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip. (Anita, 8)
What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?
He retired it. (Daily Groaner)
Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack. (Bob Phillips)
What is unique about a canine scale?
It can be weighed only in dog pounds. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why are movie stars cool?
Because they, have so many fans. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What would happen to a girl who stays in bed all day and eats nothing but
yeast and car wax?
Eventually she will rise and shine. (Archives)
What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots. (Daily Groaner)
What do you get if you cross a cold with a leaky faucet?
Cough drops (Rizwan, 8)
Where do kids in New York learn multiplication?
Times Square (Jenna, 11)
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A cocka-poodle-doo! (Ravoli, 10)
Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?
Because the top said, "Twist to open." (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What do you call teachers who fall asleep in the classroom?
Nothing. You might wake them up. (Susanna, 10)
Why did the math class not use desks?
Because they had times tables. (Daily Groaner)
Why do cars smell?
Because they're full of gas! (Tyler, 8)
Why did the gardener throw roses into the burning building?
He heard that flowers grew better in hothouses. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you call a baby kangaroo that canąt jump yet?
An offspring (Nicholas, 7)
How do sailors greet each other?
łLong time, no sea!˛ (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What do you get if you send a cow to Alaska?
Cold cream (Cassandra, 17)
What do you call a bear's parents'' parents/
Forbearers (Four bears) (Tom Kearns)
How did the scientist invent bug spray?
From scratch (Karen, 9)
If you dropped a letter in the mud, what would you call it?
Blackmail (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants! (Ronette, 7)
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot. (Daily Groaner)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
The pig, if I am not mistaken
Supplies us sausage, ham and bacon.
Let others say his heart if big;
I call it stupid of the pig
(Ogdon Nash)
The clock maker stayed late because he liked working over time. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
Celery farmers play the stalk market. (Sandy Sibert)
When the fog burns off, it won't be mist (Pun of the Day)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Imbaldira)
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from
the hospital about the four casts. (Mike Bull)
When a boxer practices in winter, he may be out cold (Pun of the Day)
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. (ArcoMax)
Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the
Pennsylvania Turnpike, and blocked the roadway today. State Police are still
combing the area. (William Brabant)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Imbaldira)
Did you hear about thee two bedbugs who fell in love? They were married in
the spring. (Enrique, 7)
When you're at table, it's not the minutes that make you fat, it's the
seconds. (Owen K. Lorian)
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
(Imbaldira)
I could have been an elevator operator, but I kept getting the shaft. (Jimmy
Launce/Marsha Coleman)
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. (Douglas
Helsel)
When he visited his pal the baker, he found a friend in knead. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
Food wisdom: Relish today, Ketchup tomorrow. (Owen K. Lorian)
I could have been a Buddy, but I couldn't Hacket. (Jimmy Launce/Marsha
Coleman)
When they spilled coffee on a guy's neck, he got hot under the collar. (Pun
of the Day)
The reason fish are so smart is because they live in schools. (Douglas
Helsel)
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. (Imbaldira)
I could have been a brewer, but I didn't have the head for it. (Jimmy
Launce/Marsha Coleman)
A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.
(Douglas Helsel)
I could have been a thief, but I couldn't take it. (Jimmy Launce/Marsha
Coleman)
You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.
(Owen K. Lorian)
The biggest waste of time is telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed
man. (Cheez Mistress)
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" The reply
was, "Washington DC." On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil
added, "Dot com!" (Gail S. Angel)
Last night I saw a movie with a happy ending. Everybody was glad it was
over! (Anne Kostick)
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.(Imbaldira)
I'd tell you the joke about the broken pencil but what's the point? (Anne
Kostick)
Is a diet wishful shrinking? (Owen K. Lorian)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Everyone gets their just desertsŠ Just desserts suits me fine, (Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
Fruit Loop Bird to bartender: "It's discrimination I tell you! How come he
gets a drink and I don't?" Bartender: "It's like I said for the last time, I
don't serve mynahs!" (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)
Mum's the word when you can't spell Chrysanthemum. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
See! We shouldn't have introduced that plastic bubblewrap into evidence. I
knew the defense was sure to poke holes in it. (Reality Check: Dave Whanond)
"Dog: "I've concluded that I'm part boxer and part Golden Retriever." Boy:
"Wow. Now there's an ironic connection. A fighter trapped inside a dog that
is yellow." (Marvin: Tom Armstrong)
Note attached to fishing hook and line asks, "How's my casting?" Fish says:
"He's obviously just fishing for a complement." (Oddly Enough: Chris Kelp)
Temper is a valuable asset. Try not to lose it. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Al's Garage" "A new battery? I'm not sure it's system could take the shock!"
(Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepŠ to the family car.
(Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
A corkscrew is a nail on a bender. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"I've spilled my guts to you, doctor. Is there hope for me?" "It looks like
your problem is low self-esteem." "Really?" "Yes. It's very common among
losers." (Mike Donovan)
Radio announcement: "Today's highs will be around 65. Today's lows will be
getting out of bed and the morning commute." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Mallard's Helpful Holiday Tips: Never use candles or open flame near
Christmas trees, leave lights on when gone to deter thieves, and avoid
leaving cans of cream of mushroom soup unattended where they can be
thoughtlessly turned into bland insipid casseroles. (Mallard Fillmore: Bruce
Tinsley)
"A defendant was freed by a loophole in the law." "The Statute of Liberty."
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Radio: "100 anytime minutes and free rollover!!" Dog: "It figures. They
don't give us anything unless we roll over, fetch, begŠ" (The Middletons:
Duncan & Summers)
What do you call it when you feel lazy and ambitious at the same time?
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Nude couple seated in restaurant with platter with a turkey on the table ask
waiter, "Could we order some dressing?" (Reynolds Unwrapped: Dan Reynolds)
TV: "Police continue to search for 3 armed men" Burglar holding money in two
hands is holding blinds separated with a third hand so he can peak out the
window says: "Dang" (Cornered: Mike Baldwin)
Wonderland Wireless: "What a day. Lots of unhappy customers>Humpty Dumpty
complained about constantly breaking up. Little Bo Peep was here griping
about roaming charges. Beauty and the Beast weren't willing to make a
two-year commitment and the ten o'clock scholar wants more minutes." "Wasn't
anybody satisfied?" "Goldilocks. I showed her three plans and she found one
that was 'just right'." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Procrastination is never getting around to say you're sorry (Ziggy: Tom
Wilson)
Bridal shops prove you can live on love. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)