Specialty Puns of the Weak 05-26-04
Stan Kegel
DAFFYNITIONS
A Nose Spray Salesman: A guy who goes around sticking his business up other
people's noses. (Bob Hope)
Liberal: A man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. (Robert
Frost)
Indecent: A copper alloy (Stan Kegel)
Homonym: The name you call your male significant other if you're male
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Informatory: Tell a right wing Brit. (Ken Pinkham)
Carrie Okie: To carry the bass line of a four-part talentless group of Tulsa
singers (Cynthia MacGregor)
Pastoral: Knowing what your spouse wants without her asking (Stan Kegel)
Population explosion: when people take leave of their census. (Fred Allen)
Plagiarism: Stealing a ride on someone else's train of thought. (Bob Hope)
Kitchenette: A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.
(Lexicon)
Earthquake: A Topographical error. (Bob Hope)
Madagascar: How your automobile feels about the price of fuel today (Stan
Kegel)
Cataract: An expensive imported car in Japan (Richard Lederer)
Lactose: Person without digits on his feet (William Brabant)
Bravery: Where warriors congregate. (Douglas Drill)
Asymmetry: Where you bury dead people. (Noah Berry)
Mantel: Describing last night's sex to your friends the next day (Stan
Kegel)
Serum: What you do when you barbecue steaks. (Richard Lederer)
Detergents: What women do when telling a guy to take a hike (Noah Berry)
Tapestries: What maple sugar farmers do each year. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
VERBAL ABUSE
Raven: She saw the documentary on the life of Edgar Allen Poe and has been
RAVEN about it ever since. (Stan Kegel)
Cantaloupe: "Sure I want to get rid of you Ingrid, but you CANTALOUPE
tonight!" (Doug Drill)
Rent: I baked for RENT twenty blackbirds in a magpie. (Gary Hallock)
Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this BEWARE I find me
a job?" (Darnell)
Fallacy: The flasher thru open his raincoat and said, "This is my
FALLACY.!" (Ken Pinkham)
Jettison: The frightened father refused to fly on the JETTISON was flying
on. (Stan Kegel)
Forensics: FORENSICS is ten. (Gary Hallock)
Incubate: The octopus thinks it's funny to take the sheep fishing and
INCUBATE. (Rose Katz)
Juncture: When are you going to JUNCTURE old typewriter and get a computer?
(Stan Kegel)
Indecisive: I know it sounds weird, but I have this ordinary kitchen gadget
that I tell my troubles to. I moan and exhale and then I feel better! I can
always leave my troubles INDECISIVE. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Brawn: She said she was going swimming and took off her BRAWN everything.
(Douglas Drill)
Judgment: The JUDGMENT to give him probation if he had only shown some
remorse. (Stan Kegel)
Jury: Did JURY habilitate yourself while you were in jail? (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Pilot: Just bring the stuff in and PILOT over here. (Doug Drill)
TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS
"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head. (Fun With
Words)
"I was badly cut by the jagged glass from that broken window," Tom said
painfully. (Stan Kegel)
"3.14159265," Tom said piously. (Alan B. Combs)
"The only conclusion I can come to is that this is the right course to
take," said Tom pathologically. (Stan Kegel)
"Our local clergyman has a toothache," said Tom vicariously. (Fun With
Words)
"But I do not know Mr. Geiger," he countered. (Paul Dickson)
"A strong spice would make this taste wonderful," said Tom sagely. (Stan
Kegel)
"Phew! I've just finished learning all Shakespeare's works," said Tom
willfully. (Fun With Words)
"She flew with us," she complained. (Paul Dickson)
"Our local clergyman has a toothache," said Tom vicariously. (Fun With
Words)
"With those muscles, you must do a lot of aerobics,˛ Tom worked out. (Stan
Kegel)
"I haven't started painting yet," he remarked colorlessly. (Paul Dickson)
MONDEGREENS
Dry their shiny daschunds (Drive their shiny datuns) Sheryl Crowe łAll I
Wanna Do˛ (Gavin Edwards)
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
(Pastor Tim Davis)
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille, with four hundred children
(Šwith four hungry children) Kenny Rogers łLucille˛ (Gavin Edwards)
Grand Junction, Colo: When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a
snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble. (Pastor Tim Davis)
Thereąs a feeling I get when I look at my waist (Thereąs a a feeling I get
when I look to the west) Led Zeppelin łStairway To Heaven˛ (Gavin Edwards)
I must confess I still bleed (I must confess I still believe) Britney Spears
"Baby One More Time" (Gavin Edwards)
Missoula, Mont: My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art
in Heaven, how didja know my name?" (Pastor Tim Davis)
MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS
"She joins this club over my bed doddy." (Willium Spooner)
"I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police -- the GOP."
(Samuel Goldwyn)
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an
immortal life. (Gail S. Angel)
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it." (Yogi Berra)
You have hissed my mystery lectures; you have tasted the whole worm.
(William Spooner)
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
(Gail S. Angel)
I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for
two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have
to send for another doctor. (Gail S. Angel)
"There is a statue of limitation." (Samuel Goldwyn)
In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope
this is satisfactory. (Gail S. Angel)
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't
enough in the second half you give what's left." (Yogi Berra)
On "Play Your Hunch," starring Merv Griffin as emcee, there were three men
shown to stump the contestants. Each one had a pole in his hand with the
upper tart obscured by a curtain. On only one of these poles, a mason's hod
was balanced Merv said, "Now to score another point, can you tell me which
one of these men has a hod on his pole!" (Kevin Schaffer)
"Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue."
(Samuel Goldwyn)
This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it. (Gail S. Angel)
My son's grades have taken a real nosedrop. (Richard Lederer)
CHIASMS AND OXYMORONS
The only way to keep your health is to eat whaat you donąt want, drink what
you do not like, and do what youąd rather not. (Mark Twain)
Health foods make me sick. (Calvin Trillin)
I have seen many a man turn gold into smoke but youąre the first man who
haas turned smoke into gold (Queen Elizabeth I to Sir Walter Raleigh)
No woman has ever so comforted the distressed or distressed the comfortable.
(Clare Boothe Luce on Eleanor Roosevelt)
If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like a child,
everything usually works out well (Ruth Carlisle) (
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to
watch people who can't do anything. (Fred Allen)
TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS
GRILL SUSPECT OVER BIG BLAZE (Spokane Chronicle)
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED MORE BROAD-BASED (Richard Lederer)
Swingin' In The Rain: Outdoor orgy is undeterred by inclement weather
(Cynthia MacGregor)
The Britches Of Madison County: A rural housewife starts panting over a
handsome stranger. (Gary Hallock)
The main jail, near West Palm Beach, houses juveniles charged as adults and
women. (Richard Lederer)
A Merry "Can" In Paris: A gay guy in France meets another, and his rear end
has a fantastic time (Cynthia MacGregor)
CURMUDGEONS AND QUOTES
The whole Universe is a large joke. Everything in the Universe are just
subdivisions of this joke. So why take anything too serious. (Frank Zappa)
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
(Samuel Goldwyn)
It isnąt necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It is only necessary
to be rich. (Alan Alda)
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. (Charles Lamb)
Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and youąll find the real tinsel
underneath (Oscar Levant)
More chorus girls are kept than promises. (Fred Allen)
You can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing (Oscaar Wilde)
The chief obstacle to the human race is the human race. (Don Marquis)
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
(Fred Allen)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Puns are for children, not groan readers. . (Sandy Sibert)
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. . (Sandy Sibert)
Who needs rhetorical questions? . (Sandy Sibert)
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. . (Sandy Sibert)
The passive voice is to be avoided. . (Sandy Sibert)
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking
ideas. . (Sandy Sibert)
punctuation like capitalization is very important (Sandy Sibert)
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. .
(Sandy Sibert)
Cheer Up At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.
(Archives)
"Waiter, do you have eczema?" said the patron, noticing the waiter
scratching his face. "No, sir, just what's on the menu." (Paul Dickson)
Sun Oil, Sun Microsystems, the Wonder Bread company, and Clairol will merge
to become Sun Rise Sun Set. (Archives)
Cross a coward and a hyena gives you the laughing stock of the party, the
Cowena. (John Nunley)
Tim Bruening
Stan Kegel wrote:
> SPECIALTY PUNS OF THE WEAK 05-26-04
>
> DAFFYNITIONS
> Informatory: Tell a right wing Brit. (Ken Pinkham)
Inflammatory: Burning right wing Brit.
Inventory: Catalogue of right wing Brits.
> Carrie Okie: To carry the bass line of a four-part talentless group of Tulsa
> singers (Cynthia MacGregor).
Kerry Okie: The 2004 Democratic Presidential candidate singing in Oklahoma.
nemo
Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:40B811F9...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
away from a Tulsa Coil as well. You'll get electroficalificuted - like Dubya
would say!