Specialty Puns of the Weak 02-17-04
Stan Kegel
DEFINITIONS:
Desire: the foal's father. (Jason Dias)
Irish Terrier: Member of an I. R. A. militant group. (Stan Kegel)
Mandible: to keep an eye on the cattle. (Scott Ryan)
Homogenious: Einstein’s home. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Depolarize - What nuclear submarines sail under. (Ken Pinkham)
Bellhop: A dangerous game played by children in the church bell tower.
(Douglas Drill)
Diarrhea - Someone who keeps a journal (Cynthia MacGregor)
Migraine: These oats belong to me. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Distinct: Smells bad (Stan Kegel)
Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit. (Randall Woodman)
Mortician: One who covers the doctor's mistakes ( Joey Adams)
A Freudian slip: When you say one thing and mean your mother. (Randall Woodman)
Zero: What pretty maids all stand in when in France (Jason Dias)
Transistor: Your brother after the operation. (Jason Dias)
Armadillo: What you should never do with a dillo that's on the warpath
(Cynthia MacGregor)
One-handed: An unusual birth defect.(Douglas Drill)
Horsehair: A rabbit with laryngitis (Stan Kegel)
Misinform: A young lady that works out to stay in good shape. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Panda: What Bush does to the religious right. (Ken Pinkham)
Duckbill: What Scalia didn't pay for his hunting trip with Cheney. (Ken Pinkham)
Bridle Suite: Perfumed headgear for your favorite filly (Stan Kegel)
Bulldog: A dog that tells a lot of tall tales (Cynthia MacGregor)
Pandemonium: A condo for pandas. (Lederer & Ertner)
Deduced: In poker when you get rid of you lowest card. (Gary Hallock)
Kidnap: A short rest by a baby goat. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Collar: The person at the other end of the ringing phone (Cynthia MacGregor)
Yogi Bear: Meditating in the nude (Stan Kegel)
Chinchilla: What Santa's beard became when it iced up over Chicago. (Ken Pinkham)
FellowshIp: a boat sailing alongside yours.(DOUG DRILL)
Pastilles: Dad's a shoplifter. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Charity: Libra: Le ovair the sholdair bouldair holdair. Alternatively, a
supportive garment that works best off the weather side. (Jason Dias)
POETRY
THE MESSENGER
The king must send a messenger to tell
his love that he would marry her. Between
the kingdoms there's a valley, and all know well
the Jolly Yellow Giant can be seen
plucking away the riders who would cross.
The Duke tries to deliver, a yellow hand
crushes him between thumb and index. The loss
does not deter the king. An Earl goes and
suffers the same, as does a valiant knight.
A page then offers to try it. That day
he goes on foot, moves swiftly, never lingers,
and the giant just misses. The king's plight
taught him a lesson -- always let your pa-
ges do the walking through the yellow fingers!
(Pedro J. Saavedra)
About rowing I happened to mull,
So I hope you don't think that I'm dull.
It could mean that I'm weird
Oar perverse, as I feared,
But to row never entered my scull.
(Kirk Miller)
In the past, food was sold in a jar.
'Twas the highest used package by far.
The things wrapped in plastic
Today are fantastic.
It's uncanny how many there are.
(Kirk Miller)
THE FLY
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
(Ogdan Nash)
The Octopus
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I'd call me Us.
(Ogdan Nash)
A homely old woman named Jane
Was hired by a farmer in Spain
To stand in his field
After research revealed
That rain mainly falls on the plain
(Ms. Kitty)
Their time's running out; it is short.
The loss of their inn they can't thwart.
They will lose the hotel
That they don't want to sell.
A prayer's their one last resort.
The buyer's a jerk and a cur.
The strain is too much to endure.
Said the owner, in tears,
"I suppose it appears
The takeover's hostel for sure."
(Kirk Miller)
THE EEL
I don't mind eels
Except as meals.
And the way they feels.
(Ogdan Nash)
VERBAL ABUSE
Norway: Little Miss Muffett liked neither curds NORWAY. (Richard Lederer)
Candle: A waxy buildup in your ers CANDLE tour hearing. (Clynch Varnadore)
Maiden: Most television sets today are MAIDEN Japan or Korea. (Stan Kegel)
Occipital: OCCIPITAL glass of milk to give my bones the calcium they need.
(Tiff Wimberly)
Connoisseur: "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what
CONNOISSEUR did you crawl out of?" (Darnell)
Tumor: Bartender, we’ll have TUMOR (Doug Drill)
Pakistan: My backpack is black but your back PAKISTAN (Richard Lederer)
Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the BAGDAD used to drink out of
when he was sitting on the front porch." (Darnell)
Sherry: Gary’s stock is rising rapidly. For one SHERRY recieved $900
yesterday. (Stan Kegel)
Cirrus: Meteorologists who forecast sun but get clouds have a CIRRUS
problem on their hands. (Scott Ryan)
Egypt: Not omly did Frank gyp you, EGYPT me. (Richard Lederer)
Wallaby: "After seeing the girls at the party, i decided I might as
WALLABY home watching TV." (Stan Kegel)
Nudity: The artist painted a naked women standing up drinking tea. He
titled it "full frontal NUDE-AT-TEA". (Ken Pinkham)
Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, he's
going to send me back to the big house." (Darnell)
Uruguay: I'm a girl and URUGUAY (Richard Lederer)
Whippoorwill: Mr. Hathaway told Shakespeare on his wedding night, "Anne
will be a good wife if you occasionally WHIPPOORWILL." (Stan Kegel)
Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the
BATTERY won't be in the line up tomorrow." (Darnell)
Moisturizer: "I know you're sad; look how MOISTURIZER." (Jason Dias)
Spain: I can't figure out what's causing thiSPAIN in my arm (Richard Lederer)
Menu: Do you ever think about all the MENU have slept with (Stan Kegel)
Camel: "The whole engine's falling to pieces and I'm afraid the CAMEL
come right off." (Cynthia MacGregor)
Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for AFFORD." (Darnell)
Felon: as in, "When I tried to jump over the bar I FELON my rear." (DOUG DRILL)
TOM SWIFTIES
"That leprechaun is not telling the truth," Tom implied.. (Simon Champion)
"I'm going to expand my formal garden," Tom said morosely. (E. J. Carter)
"I need to be careful not to add too much water," Tom said with great
concentration.. (Simon Champion)
"I'm getting a television job holding cue cards," Tom answered promptly. (Lawless)
"I just married a lioness - look at my wedding ring!" roared Leo, with
wild abandon.. (Simon Champion)
"The bar was out of drinks," said Tom dispiritedly. (Davie Crocket)
"I'll cast myself in plaster," Tom said, hoping to make a good
impression.(M I E)
"I hate grape beverages," Tom whined with clarity. (Simon Champion)
"Let's stay ahead of the other boat," the captain said sternly. (Paul Dickson)
"I upholstered this chair using only Velcro," Tom said tactlessly. (Stan Kegel)
"You gave me two less than a dozen," he said tensely. (Paul Dickson)
"I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish.. (Simon Champion)
"I let her in without a ticket," Tom admitted. (Stan Kegel)
OTHERS
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't go to an Eagle's concert because
he was afraid of heights! (Dunjan Seraf)
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't go see Hole because he was
claustrophobic. (Jason Dias)
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't go see the Moody blues because he
got enough of those from his teenagers at home. (Jason Dias)
A site selling 80 kinds of cookies and a beverage to go with: 80 & TEA
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot
read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."
(Irene A. Mystery)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Ah, we've cornered him at last." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"
"Learning to read?" (Paul Dickson)
“Waiter, there's a hair in my soup.”
“That's not soup, it's rabbit stew!” (Norman Gilbert)
"Waiter, there's a twig in my soup!"
"I'll inform the branch manager." (Martin Flack)
"Waiter, there's a dead fly swimming in my soup!"
"Nonsense, sir, dead flies can't swim." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"If you wanted him with dessert, why didn't you say so" (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Dunno, sir, looks like the breaststroke." (Paul Dickson)