Kids Puns of the Weak 01-25-05
Stan Kegel
JEST FOR KIDS * THE RIDDLES
What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
Turns over a new leaf. (Moni)
What is a fund for needy musicians?
A band aid (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why did the teacher jump in the lake?
She wanted to test the waters. (Angella, 11)
How do you make a poisonous snake cry?
Take away his rattle (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Why did the diner refuse to eat snails?
He preferred fast food (Rocky Bridges)
Why did the girl return her library book early in the morning?
It was dew (Michelle, 8)
Why did the man take a shovel to dinner?
It was time to dig in (Aaron, 8)
Why are pianos so noble?
Many are upright and the rest are grand. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
Why were the trees lined up in twos?
Because they were pear trees (Madison, 7)
Why did the window cry?
Because it had a pane (Dana, 7)
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer! (Siddharth, 10)
How do athletes stay cool during a game?
They stand in front of the fans! (Nadirrah, 13)
Where do you go to get a small soda?
To Minnesota (Josh & Alanna, 7)
What do you call a train that likes to dance?
A tutu train (John, 9)
How does a rose ride a bike?
By pushing its petals! (Kathleen, 9)
What drink can you find in space?
A root beer float (Shawn, 8)
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At a baa-baa shop (Kaden, 6)
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
What's an eight letter word that has only one letter in it?
An envelope! (Harmony, 9)
What is the scariest thing you can have for lunch?
A sand witch! (Roman, 11)
Where do books eat dinner?
At the table of contents (Olivia, 17)
Where do cats pay their bills?
In a fee-line! (Shira, 10)
JEST FOR KIDS * THE PUNS
Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me. (Robert Bryan)
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at
either.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
A lumberjack who couldn't cut it was given the axe. (Mike Bull)
A man diving from a 60-foot platform into a pail of water is only a drop in
the bucket
The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
He only knew how to drive a fork lift in reverse. He was the backup man.
(Pun of the Day)
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When the kitchen help fell behind, the chef was stewing. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise
cane.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
When she dated the fencing star, she took a stab at it. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
Didja hear about the pool equipment suppliers that took a dive?
Didja hear about the bra manufacturers that went bust?
Didja hear about the brake company on the skids?
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
Doctor Doctor I keep hearing music!
Give me your hat.
You've done it! I don't hear the music anymore, what did you do?
I just took out the band.
Those who write about disease become ill-literate. They have to include an
appendix. Some people are always studying infectious diseases---it's in
their blood. Sometimes they park illegally, which could be due to parking
zones disease. Just don't get sick at the airport because it could be
terminal. (Mike Bull)
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm
As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I
saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him
for having a firearm in his car.
One early morning, a farmer was milking his cow. The farmer was just
starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The
farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his
bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder!
PUNS IN THE COMICS
May the Iron Curtain rust in peace. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
They use flour and water to make bread, but they also use flour and water to
make paste, which is why the bakers call them "pastries". (Wally 'n Ethel:
Joe Martin)
Customer: "Pardon me, can you tell me what's on the children's menu?"
Waitress looking at menu: "Gunk, splatterings, projectile stew:, but don't
worry, they're laminated. We wipe it off." (Tina's Groove: Rina Piccolo)
Bartender holding a phone: "It's your editor." Ernie holing a mug of beer:
"Tell her I'm working on my first draft." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Lighten up this year Buy a bathroom scale that lies. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
The number one reason restaurants don't serve gne: Customer, "What's gnu?"
Waiter, "Nothing, what's new with you." (Mr. Buffo: Joe Martin)
"Kittycat couldn't be nicer. She's purrfect!" (Family Circle: Jeff & Bill
Keane)
Confession is good for the soul and million-dollar book deals. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel" sat in stunned silence
as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe:
Cassett & Brookins)
Every man has a price but some aren't worth buying. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"This isn't a very good report card, Skyler" It's my teacher's fault. She
likes to fail people. I sat next to her at the diner yesterday and she
wouldn't even pass the salt." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
"Hi, can I help you?" "Yes, my social life has been pretty sad and lonely as
of late, and I was wondering if you could give me some tips for meeting
women." "Sir, the Department of Social Services is not here to improve your
social life." "Oh. Hey, you doing anything this Friday." (Pearls Before
Swine: Stephan Pastis)