Puns of the Weak: Special Thanksgiving Edition]
Stan Kegel
TURKEY: A THANKSGIVING FOR HOB GOBBLING
(By Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing; they are already stuffed.
How are a turkey, a donkey, and a monkey the same?
They all have keys.
Is turkey soup good for your health?
Not if you're the turkey.
Why did the turkey bolt down his food?
Because she was a gobbler.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To show that he wasn't chicken.
Why are New England turkeys hard to understand?
Because they speak in gobbled English.
Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey?
They spoke gobbledygook.
Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?
Because it's a-gobblin.
Thanksgiving is a time when turkeys turn from gobblers to gobblees.
Did you hear about the farmer who bought many chickens and ducks but
only a few turkeys? He named his home "The House of Seven Gobbles."
Or, as the mother turkey said to her daughter as she wolfed down her
meal, "Don't gobble your food."
Did you hear about the one-legged turkey?
It went around saying "hobble-hobble."
Did you hear the one about the guest speaker who was introduced after a
Thanksgiving dinner?
The emcee said, "We have just enjoyed a turkey stuffed with sage. It
is now my pleasure to introduce a sage stuffed with turkey."
Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.
Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.
Or, as the turkey said to the Pilgrim, "You're a no-good baster."
Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?
Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.
Did you hear about the young turkey who was on his way to the big city
for the first time. A fellow passenger offered him some advice: "You'll
be all right as long as you don't lose your head."
Did you hear about the conservative turkey?
It has two right wings.
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from thirty- eight turkeys?
Because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
As the father turkey said to his misbehaving daughter, "if your mother
could see you now, she'd turn over in her gravy."
Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the
floor and feared he had created an international incident?
It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up
of China.
What is the traditional Thanksgiving menu?
Roast turkey, stuffing, candied yams, and pickled relatives.
Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex?
Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of
them, and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving.
As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated,
"Foiled again."
Or, as we always say: Show us a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers in
the garbage, and we'll show you a man who quits cold turkey.
Why did the man quit smoking cold turkey?
Because the feathers made him cough.
That reminds us of the hostess who served a delicious turkey dinner that
tickled all of the guests. She forgot to remove the feathers.
Said a farmer outside Albuquerque,
"Though Thanksgiving looms misty and murky,
All may still turn out well,
For I've managed to sell
Some chickens, a duck, and a turkey."
Why was the man afraid to talk turkey?
Because he was chicken.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To show he wasn't chicken.
Do chickens jog?
No, but turkeys trot.
Did you hear about the film executive who produced so many movies that
turned out to be turkeys that he was made an honorary Pilgrim?
From: "The Biggest Book of Animal Riddles" by Richard Lederer and James
Ertner, soon available in e-book form at <www.bn.com> and other e-book outlets