Puns of the Weak: 05-02-03

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May 5, 2003, 3:59:23 AM5/5/03
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PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the week ending 05-02-03

Have pun, will travel
What: 26th O Henry World Champion Pun-Off
Where: Wooldridge Park, Austin, Texas
When: May 3, Noon to 5 PM
Cost: Admission is free.

Why: Why Austin for a pun championship? The writer lived there for more
than 10 years in the late 1800s, and the city's O. Henry Museum
celebrates his career. This punny contest is a fund-raiser for that
museum and has become one of the city's most popular spectator events.
Competition starts at 1 p.m. and continues till there's only one punster
standing. It's at Wooldridge Square at Ninth and Guadalupe streets.

Details: (512) 472-1903;
<http://www.pun punpun.com/8445.html>

IN THE NEWS

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who is a good sport, is
probably chuckling over a report on Peter Jennings' "World News Tonight"
program Tuesday informing the public that Greenspan was "in the hospital
for a large prostitute." In case, you're wondering, Greenspan underwent
prostate surgery. (Chicago Sun Times/ PANews)

Jay Garner said Friday Iraq will get a democratic government soon. They
must break old habits. Otherwise it's like the Australian Bushman who
was given a brand-new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to
throw the old one away. (Argus Hamilton)

Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the
American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge. Every Arab
ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping
that George W. Bush will pass over them. (William Brabant)

Hillary Clinton addressed a Democratic dinner in Connecticut Monday. It
made everybody suspect her of joining the race. The last time Hillary
Clinton ran for the Oval Office it was because she heard a lot of
squealing and giggling inside. (Argus Hamilton)

The son of former Olympic gymnast Olga Korbut has been arrested and
charged with counterfeiting. Apparently he never acquired his mother's
ability for making a perfect ten. (Jim Barach)

In Saddam's palaces, marines found lots of pornography proving he was
hiding "Weapons Of Mass-turbation" (Judy’s Jokes)

San Quentin prison turns 150 years old this month. Of course, the most
despicable criminals are now housed in more modern facilities ...
WorldCom, Enron, Xerox ... (Alan Ray)

President Bush said that he is worried that Iraq could be overrun by
religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican
Party, it's good enough for Iraq. (Jay Leno)

The Securities and Exchange Commission nailed stock analyst Jack Grubman
for misleading investors on Monday. They fined him $19 million for work
that earned him $68 million. The idea is to teach everyone on Wall
Street that crime doesn't pay. (Argus Hamilton)

The CEO of the U.S. Olympic Committee has resigned in the wake of a
scandal where he tried to steer Olympic business to his brother. Lloyd
Ward is the former head of Maytag. You would think he would be able to
do a better job of laundering money. (Jim Barach)

What Santorum said was he is not against homosexuals, he is against
homosexual acts. He said the only thing you should put in your mouth is
your foot. (Jay Leno)

HOLIDAY PUNS

In 1912, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of Hellman's Mayonnaise
for delivery to Vera Cruz, the next port of call after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today. It is known as Sinko de Mayo. (Archives)

JEST FOR KIDS

Why shouldn't you keep a library book on the ground overnight?
Because in the morning it will be over dew. (Daily Groaner)

What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
The banana split (Lee Hogan)

How do you make antifreeze?
You take away her blanket (Daily Groaner)

What would happen if you ate yeast and polish?
You would rise and shine. (Kids Jokes)

Why did the robber take a bath?
To make a clean getaway! (Tony, 10)

What would you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers.. (Kids Jokes)

What do bees do if they want to use public transportation?
Go to a buzz stop! (Ruth, 11)

What did the clock do when it finished eating?
It went back four seconds (Krysta, 11)

Why would Snow White make a good judge?
Because she's the fairest in the land! (Katie, 11)

Who did the mouse see when he was sick?
The Hickory Dickory Doc! (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

you hear about the dog who was trained to beg?
Last week he came back with five hundred dollars. (Lederer & Ertner)

What time is it when seven hungry lions are chasing you?
Seven after one (Daniel, 10)

Why were the middle ages so dark?
Because there were a lot of knights! (Robert, 14 )

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up! (Brittney, 9)

Why did Noah take four gnus on the ark?
Because he had some good gnus and some bad gnus (Daiy Groaner)

What do you call a small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon?
Gorge Bush (Lee Hogan)

Why don't lions eats clowns?
Because they taste funny. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

What is the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground (Lee Hogan)

Why did the yardstick have trouble buying shoes?
Because it has three feet (Daiy Groaner)

What radio has a crewcut?
A short-wave radio.. (Kids Jokes)

Where can you find hippos?
It depends where you hide them. (Huma, 10)

TWhat did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the appendectomy?
"That's enough out of you."(Daily Groaner)

What can you do to get really stoned?
Drink Wet Cement (Daily Groaner)

Why did the chef pour root beer in the lake?
So he could make a root beer float. (Sierra, 7)

What happened when the shirts played the jackets?
It ended in a tie (Natali, 9)

What does a dog say when he sits on sandpaper?
Ruff, ruff!(Daiy Groaner)

What is the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

What do you call old decimals?
Past tenths (Alec, 10)

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well (Max, 8)

What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots.(Sean, 8)

What do you call it when the pitcher and the batter get into a fist
fight, and both teams' benches join the fray?
Basebrawl. (Tyler Kaus)

How did the boy feel when he knotted his first tie?
All chocked up (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they crack up! (Shannon, 11)

What did Timmie use to make Lassie’s dinner?
Collie flour (Daily Groaner)

What did the dolphin say when his trainer yelled at him for ruining the show?
I didn’t do it on porpoise. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)

What is bought by the yard and worn by the feet?
Carpet. (Daily Groaner)

What happened when a hunter poured hot water down a rabbit hole.
He had one hot, cross bunny on his hands. (Mike Bull)

WI have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever.
Sounds like a virus.
Everyone in the office has it.
Well then, maybe it's a staff infection. (Beckie Shiles)

Teacher: "Use gladiator in a sentence."
Student: "The farmer's hen stopped laying eggs, so he was gladiator."
(Lederer & Ertner)

I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative.
Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose. (Firesong Funnies)

Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they
want. (Douglas Helsel)

A tomcat tells a female cat, "For you, I would die."
The female asks, "How many times?" (Gag-O-Matic)

He became a sky diver. Out of the blue! He was quite a down to earth
guy. He just had to make sure that the terra he landed on was
firma.(Mike Bull)

Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She
shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's
usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king
and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house. (Gail S.
Angel)

RIDDLES

What's the difference between a vicious but stupid woman and the Panama Canal?
One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizzy bitch (By Clynch
Varnadore)

What did the farmer get when he turned the field into a junkyard?
A bumper crop (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What geographical location would be the best place to set up a tuna
processing plant?
The Cannery Islands (Cynthia MacGregor)

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what
does a mohel carry?
A Bris-kit! (Bob Levi)

What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
Male fraud. (Bob C.)

What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. (Bob W.)

How did the fisherman prepare his reels for the big fishing trip?
With caster oil (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

What is the process through which macaroni is treated so it doesn't
contain germs?
Pasta-rization (Cynthia MacGregor)

What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
Carrying a concealed weapon. (Rusty Smith)

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain, because he wasn't Abel.
2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all
he passed was water. (Marsha Coleman)

The Spanish Shakesperean actor was cooking dinner one night when his
wife walked in the door and asked, “Hmmm, what do I smell?” He answered,
“It1s a new risotto recipe. It actually has honey in it.” “Honey?” his
wife said, aghast. “If it has honey in it, it can’t be risotto! The
recipe has to be called something else.” What did the actor reply?
*Arroz* by any other name smells just as sweet. (Cynthia MacGregor)

he PLO leader took his infant to a specialist in bronchial disorders.
What was the diagnosis?
Yasir asthma baby (Gary Hallock)

What do you call a blind person in Germany during WWII?
A not-see (Daiy Groaner)

COMICS

“An average teacher might assign three pages of homework. A mean teacher
would assign ten pages.” “OK” “You said ‘mean’ and ‘average’ were the
same thing.” “Mathmatically.” “I just don’t want to believe the average
person is mean.” (Frazz: Jef Mallett)

“Dad, I thought the doctor told you that salty and fatty foods were bad
for your high blood pressure and cholesterol, not to mention where those
chips end up.” “He did, but sometimes you’ve got to let the chips fall
where they may!” (Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers)

In the still of the early morning, Charlene woke up with a jerk - her
husband, Larry. (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)

“You say steam, water and now are all the same thing?” “Yep ––– They’re
ice-otopes.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Policeman holding a suitcase arresting a woman at a wishing well:
“Really officer, I don’t know where the suitcase full of heroin came
from. All I wished for was a big bust!” (Pics4Fun)

Let’s hope the stock market bottoms out before we do. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)

Nurse to surgeon: “What are you doing. This is supposed to be HEART
surgery?” Doctor: “Oops! Sorry! I was thinking that the way to a man’s
heart was through his stomach.” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)

Most annoying part of dealing with a parent company: “Why? WHY? Because
we say so, that’s why!” (Speed Bump: Dave Coverly)

Pythagoras’ Arbitration Service: He’s very good. He always knows the
shortest distance between two sides. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

ONE-LINERS:

He decided to sell the diaper business because it was subject to change.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

If you have a roll and a turnover in bed, you will not be hungry in the
morning. (Pun of the Day)

Just be careful if you and your wife buy a water bed, because you may
start to drift apart.(Mike Bull)

When a tailor makes a mistake, an excitable customer can have a fit.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

At rifle competitions, the best team always wins by a long shot.(Pun of
the Day)

The race driver finally retired and wrote his auto biography.(Mike Bull)

It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.. (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)

A scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals trying to
prove his theorem when he fell into the vat and became part of the
solution (Pun of the Day)

When the principal asked the teacher how long she planned to teach
school, she replied, "From here to maternity." (Joey Adams)

When a clock factory burned there was some second hand smoke (Pun of the
Day)

Before prostrate surgery, my doctor said that abominable surgery often
leaves one incompetent. He was right, and I'm not the only one. (Paul Benoit)

He should have been warned, when he carried her over the threshold after
they were married, that she couldn't wait to put her foot down. (Margaret)

Rabbits usually lead a hoppy life, unless they're being chased by foxes
who want to chase them and then split hares. (Mike Bull)

A child told her mother: "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She
said all I have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history." (Beckie Shiles)

Outdoor lights were put for up for golfers who liked swinging night
clubs. (Pun of the Day)

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to
the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?" (Gag-O-Matic)

Sign at the entrance of a nudist's colony: PLEASE BARE with US. (Joey Adams)

The angry magician pulled his hare out. (Mike Bull)

I got work as a tailor, but it was just a sew-sew job, and I wasn't
suited for it. (Peter Stone)

Sometimes, I'd like to give my employees a one-way ticket to Mars. But
I'm afraid if I do, I'll alienate them. (Venkatesh/ Very Punny)

The spray painter was going to use gold paint, but he developed a gilt
complex and went home feeling blue. (Mike Bull)

Did you hear about the vet who was so sick of treating dogs he threw a
distemper tantrum? (Beckie Shiles)

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
(Pun of the Day)

Did you hear about the satellite dish antennas that got married? The
wedding was kind of weird, but the reception was fantastic! (Allen
Warren/ The International Save the Pun Foundation)

Old Jewish men in MIami get a hernia from wearing a chai that is too
heavy. It is called, a chaiaytel hernia. (Bob Levi)

When purchasing soap, if you buy two and get one free, that's a
bar-gain. (Pun of the Day)

Thinking about. Micro-Soft It's very small, *and* it's soft. Not much to
brag about really, is it? (John Craggs)

Being overweight is not hereditary but it sure shows up in your jeans!
(Irene A. Mystery)

When the homosexual noticed me staring, I averted my gays.(The Big Pun)

To spot a glacier you need good ice sight. (Mike Bull)

Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there. (Pun of the
Day)

GROANERS:

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your
license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts,"
the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the
officer. "You're getting a ticket." (Daily Groaner)

"So I take my wife to this nice Chinese place and we're sitting there,
wolfing down Moo Goo Gui Pan ... when, suddenly, this nice kid (who's
been just sitting there, having a nice meal with his parents) jumps to
his feet and pulls out a 9mm. "With a scream, he starts pumping round
after round into his fried rice! Standing there, shooting his dinner.
"With a sigh, his mother says, 'Now, Tommy ... If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times. ... Stop wasting food!'" (Archives)

My friend Mills was complaining that his burro, named Hotey, was so
frail that a gentle breeze would make him lean over. I said, "I've
already heard about a donkey Hotey tilting at wind, Mills." (Daiy
Groaner)

I took my 4 year old son to see the latest Disney movie. Before the main
feature was a Donald Duck cartoon. My son got up and asked to be excused
and I asked him why. He told me Donald Duck always gives him ...
Disneyspells. (Archives)

An apprentice chef in an upscale Oriental restaurant, after making a
batch of tempura, accidentally spilled some tea into his creation. The
head chef became enraged, but he soon calmed down because he realized
that the entire affair was just a tea-pest in a temp-pot . (Tyler Kaus)

Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become
stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing
a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the
flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water. Someone at the
station asked, "How did it go?" The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
(William Brabant)

We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my
mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner. After a
long search, I came back with some beets. This was not enough to feed
our family of 6, so my mother sent me to the attic to kill the family of
seagulls who had moved in there. My mother cooked the gulls and we
waited for my father to get home from work. As it got later, my mother
put the cooked birds in the refrigerator to keep until my father came
home, as we always ate as a family. When my father arrived late that
evening we sat down to eat the skimpy dinner, but first my father prayed
over the food, "God bless the beets and the chilled wren." (Archives)

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota and for that matter the rest of the
country, I must report the Sad News that Ole was SHOT. He was up by the
Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees, when some rangers
looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, using
a loudspeaker, they shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife
Lena and Lena's good friend Lars. (Mel Lett)

At one of the early practice blackouts in New York, former Mayor La
Guardia was told that the only thing that prevented a
100-per-cent-perfect result was one little lightning bug that blithely
ignored instructions. The Mayor had the offender brought before him and
said, "Why didn't you observe blackout regulations?" "It's this way,
Your Honor," said the lightning bug, "When ya gotta glow, yo gotta
glow," (Archives)

Did you hear about the man so worried about his accelerating baldness
that he spent hours each day arranging his remaining hair to cover his
receding hairline, and using hair-restoring pills and tonics? He became
so confused that he didn't know if he was combing or growing. (Tyler Kaus)

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to
cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the
young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise
was?" "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It
wasn't opportunity." (Teen Humor)

We recently took a trip to Merrie Olde England, and we enjoyed it very
much. The service was good and the food was much better than we had been
told to expect. We ordered at a small fish and chips shoppe in the
English Midlands, and we couldn't believe the size of the portion of
fish that came. It was unbelievably large and it was even more
delicious. It was truly wonderful, but how could they make money giving
so much fish at so reasonable a price? An English friend explained it.
... "It's the piece of cod which passes all understanding." (Archives)

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to
sail on a five-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the purser who
threw him off the ship, telling him beggars can't be cruisers. (Archives)

A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew teacher quoting
Scripture. "The Lord our God, the Lord is One," the teacher declared.
The youngster asked, . . . "When will He be two?" (Archives)

A police detective who hated homosexuals was fired because he unjustly
arrested many alleged perpetrators who he even suspected of not being
"straight." He was obviously living by the motto: another gay, another
collar . (Tyler Kaus)

My son went to the local pharmacy where he purchased a six-pack of Coca
Cola and a paperback edition of "Of Human Bondage." His saw some friends
come in, put his packages on the counter and went over to talk to them.
When he returned the book was gone. He started searching the premises
The pharmacist noticed him walking back and forth and asked him if there
was a problem. He answered, ... "I've found my pop but I've lost my
Maugham." (Archives)

A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to
use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the
librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went
back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking
quite distraught. "I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you
looking for, honey?" the librarian asked. Replied the little girl, ...
"Tequila Mockingbird." (Archives)

Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on
Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and
thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful." "Why
thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct
object?" "A good report card next month," he replied. (Undwerw8)

When a young lady's father found out she was pregnant, he forced her
boyfriend to marry her by literally attending the wedding with a loaded
shotgun. The young man really didn't want to get married, but he said
philosophically, "Easier wed than dead." (Tyler Kaus)

DEFINITIONS:

Gruesome: How many Californians get their pot. (Ken Pinkham)

Garbage: Length of time you've had the clothes you're wearing (Stan Kegel)

Goodbye: A bargain (Stan Kegel)

Goulash: Whip Vampires use to drive off Ghouls (Ken Pinkham)

Pentax: A surcharge on writing instruments. (Tim Bruening)

Grammar: Derogatory term for a Brit--one who measures weight in grams
instead of ounces (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hippie: Really groovy urination. (Robert E. Lewis)

Gables: Homosexual cattle (Stan Kegel)

ASelf-esteem: Cleaning your own carpets (Cynthia MacGregor)

Groupie : Why the tours bus stopped (Ken Pinkham)

Gossip: To instruct a child to drink slowly (Stan Kegel)

Gyrate: What a gigolo charges (Stan Kegel)

Hooker: One who is in charge of removing bad actors from the stage.
(Tim Bruening)

POETRY

Oblong to a group that meets here
Well rounded we are, and it's clear
That squarely they speak
Their anger won't pique
The point is, you've nothing to sphere
(Gary Hallock)

The man was accused of a crime,
A big one, no nickel and dime.
As the trial began,
The judge said to the man,
"This, for you, is a trying time."
(Kirk Miller)

This poetry, I thought at first glance,
Is "timely," and maybe enchants.
People may recognize
That it warrants a prize,
But I don't think it stanza chance.
(Kirk Miller)

A student from Texas named Bess
Passed Drama but failed to impress
For she said, "It was hard
To master the Bard
But all's swell that ends swell, I guess."
(Graham & Teri Lester)

If money to me you'd disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
In that case I could say,
In my deviant way,
"I guess that my pay'd be per verse."
(Kirk Miller)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I need to go and convalesce," said Tom hospitably. (Archives)

"Aren't five cups from one tea bag too much?" she asked weakly. (Paul Dickson)

"My favorite statue is Venus de Milo," said Tom disarmingly. (Archives)

Did they give me a lobotomy?" .asked Tom absentmindedly. (Paul Benoit)

"We can form a monopoly with this merger," they declared trustingly.
(Paul Dickson)

"See my new sports car?" Tom asked triumphantly. (Paul Dickson)

"I've struck oil," Tom said, crudely. (Archives)

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

MONTANA TRADED TO KANSAS CITY Explanation: San Francisco 49ers
quarterback Joe Montana was traded to the Kansas City Chiefs (Richard Lederer)

This poor weathercaster made the following remarks about hurricane
Agnes: "And as you already know, Agnes really blew the whole city this
afternoon." (Kermit Schafer)

MASSIVE ORGAN DRAWS CROWDS (Richard Lederer)

Joey Bishop was telling a socialite guest that he remembered that she
was the sponsor of a charity event. Joe innocently asked, "By the way,
how was your affair ... er . . . I mean, tell us about your latest
affair." (Kermit Schafer)

SPERMICIDE MAKER SCORED (Richard Lederer)

Overheard on a local television station break: "We'll be right back,
after this menopause . . minute pause!!" (Kermit Schafer)

FLIER TO DUPLICATE MISS EARHART'S FATAL FLIGHT (Richard Lederer)

Heard on WIOD in Miami, Florida: "This is Alan Courtney speaking. Don't
forget, tonight at nine, our special guest . (PAUSE) . . . will be . . .
I forgot." (Kermit Schafer)

PEOPLE SHOULD EVACUATE WHEN GAS ODOR PRESENT (Richard Lederer)

"And we disc jockeys have made a special plaque which will go to any
golfer who notifies us when he has scoled a hore in one!" (Kermit
Schafer)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

A handyman known as Hieronymous
Had a client (let's keep her anonymous)
When he asked, "Tell me do,
Should I nail or screw"
She replied, "Silly boy, they're synonymous"
(Graham Lester)

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a
15 year old, and the madam replied: "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to
lickers." (Very Punny)

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
pants. (Curly David)

Prostitute: "Hi, want to have sex?"
Man: "Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does."
Prostitute: "I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?"
Man: "She does it for free." (Jill’s Joke Line)

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothin in sight, and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He
decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through
the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with
2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still
wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and
found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is "Always
tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"... (Bob Sachse)

Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth. (Curly David)

What do you call grit in a condom?
An organ grinder (Curt Dayton)

The hillbilly couple (Zeke and Emmy Lou) got married and had a new baby
every year or less. After their 13th baby was born, the couple told the
Dr. that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they figured
out what was causing them. The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try
covering the organ before they made love. Sure enough, in a short time
Emmy Lou was pregnant again and the doctor asked Zeke if he tried
covering his organ like he had suggested they do. Zeke said, "We don't
have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the piano." (Haust
Javeri)

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration. (Curt Dayton)

What is the vas deferens?
A great discrepancy. (Richard Lederer)

There was a generous area of disagreement between the sexy young widow
and a bachelor friend she said had sired the latest addition to her
brood. So they took their problem to court. "Did you sleep with this
woman?" asked the judge. To which our hero replied, sincerely, "Not a
wink, your honor. Not a wink." (Playboy)

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together! (Curly David)

B Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage as they have wisend to the
fact that for 200 grams of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!
(Nirav Shah)

When Cleo's parents threatened to forbid her to see her boyfriend unless
she told them why he'd been there so late the night before, she finally
began to talk. "Well," she said, "I took him into the loving room, and-"
"That's 'living,' dear," her mother interrupted. Said the happy girl,
"You're telling me!" (Playboy)

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash slash backslash escape. (Curt Dayton)

I saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had
three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher
tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then
asked, " How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" She frowned,
gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or
five...and...Don't call me 'dizzy'!!! (Tiger)

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long
enough to build up the required pressure. (Paul Benoit)

What do you call a homosexual community in Alaska?
Frosted flakes. (My Stacy).

Pastor: "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad
things?" Johnnie: "Sure, back of the church yard." (Tiger)

The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his
wife in a brothel. "You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep
said, "it's actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded the man.
"Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I
was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl." (Ray Owens)

Can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Of course. That’s where lawyers come from. (Archives)

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asks, "Johnny, why
has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy sighs.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks, "With whom?" "With
you," he admits with a blush. "But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you
see how silly this is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own
one day, but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy
replies reassuringly. "I'll use a condom." (Richard Lederer)

Why were Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She was withholding evidence (Judy’s Jokes)

What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand. (Curly David)

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
(Emo Philips)

Some girls ask the boss for advances on next week's salary. Others ask
for salary on next week's advances. (Playboy)

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things
that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the
divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his
laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I
mean hobosexuality...... he's a bum lay!"

What is a testicle?
An octopus's arm. (Richard Lederer)

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