Puns of the Weak 1-31-03
Stan Kegel
NOTICES
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices
for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed.
This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the
responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed.
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and
respond to the notices because we do not want the notices
to go unnoticed. (The Department of Notification)
IN THE NEWS
Pro Bowl players in the NFL head to Hawaii this week. Rich Gannon’s
experience with airport security was much like his day at the Super
Bowl. He kept getting picked. (Alan Ray)
California Governor Davis plans to reduce the deficit by eliminating
administrative costs. One method is to combine the Dept. of Fish & Game
with the Highway Patrol under one leader. The merged agency will be
known as Fish & Chips. (Joe Nicholson)
San Francisco Democrats staged massive antiwar demonstrations Tuesday
led by hundreds of naked women marching down Market Street. They spelled
out the word peace with their nude bodies. It's the right idea, but they
had the wrong president. (Argus Hamilton)
NBC's "West Wing" is slipping in the ratings. Martin Sheen is an
articulate, reflective president who seeks peace at any price. The show
has been labeled borderline science fiction. (Alan Ray)
JEST FOR KIDS
When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
When it turns into a driveway. (Kid's Jokes)
What did the man say when he walked into the bar?
Ouch! (Michael Johnstone)
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered. (Geri, 8)
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales! (Hannah, 9)
Do you know which animal is the easiest for a hunter to find?
A leopard because it is always spotted. (Stan Kegel)
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a suit and the dog just pants. (Lederer & Ertner)
Where do trees keep their money?
In branch banks. (Kid's Jokes)
What did the soil say to the rain?
Stop or my name is mud. (Michael Johnstone)
What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
At the quack of dawn. (John G. Steen)
How do you become a coroner?
You have to take a stiff examination. (Bob Phillips)
Teacher: "Have you ever hunted bear?"
Student: "No, but I've gone fishing in my shorts." (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the necklace say to the crown?
You go ahead. I'll hang around (Michael Johnstone)
What keeps the moon from falling?
Its beams, of course. (Bob Phillips)
Doctor, Doctor! Last night I dreamt I was a teepee. The night before I
dreamt I was a wigwam.
Just relax. You’re just two tents. (Geoff Tibballs)
When is a door not a door ?
When it's ajar. (Diane, 8)
What kind of school does a carpenter go to?
Boarding school. (Daily Groaner)
Where do Eskimos keep their money?
In snowbanks (Kid's Jokes).
What did the jack say to the car?
Wanna lift? (Michael Johnstone)
What did one tail pipe say to the other tail pipe?
I'm exhausted. (Bob Phillips)
Teacher: "What is a myth?"
Student: "A female moth." (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop (Yahooligans)
List the Ten Commandments in any order.
3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7. (Pete Richardson)
Where do vampires keep their money?
In blood banks. (Kid's Jokes)
What did the launching pad say to the rocket?
Clear off. You're fired (Michael Johnstone)
What did the judge say when the skunk came nto the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!" (Bob Phillips)
Teacher: "What can you tell me about Dalmatians?"
Student: "The first one was spotted in 1876." (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the digital watch say to his mom?
Look mom no hands. (Lee Hogan)
Why did the President set up a meeting with a carpenter?
He wanted to replace his cabinet. (Daily Groaner)
Why is it that you can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it?
Because concrete floors are very hard to crack. (Bill Brabant)
A thief stole a calendar. He got 12 months. (Pun of the Day)
Teacher: "How'd you get stung?"
Student: "By smelling a flowber."
Teacher: "There's no b in flower."
Student: "There was in this one." (Lederer & Ertner)
If you make hamburgers from ground beef, what do you make pork burgers from?
Groundhogs. (Mighty Funnies)
Where do monkeys cook their hamburgers?
On grillas! (Mighty Funnies)
What kind of birds stick together?
Vel-crows! (Thieving Joker)
When should you charge a new battery?
When you can't pay cash. (Kid's Jokes)
What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone?
A golden receiver! (Sean,10)
Where would you look when purchasing felines via mail order?
In a Cat-a-log (Daily Groaner)
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No Bell Prize. ((Jason, 10)
What did the hamburger say to his new friends?
Nice to meat you. (Evanne, 7)
What do you call a shoe store with only one owner?
A sole proprietorship. (Archives)
Teacher: "What animal was first out of the ark?"
Student: "I don't know. But Noah came fourth." (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a vampire in the snow?
A frost bite. (Olivia, 7)
What’s the difference between St. George and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?
One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh. (Lederer &
Ertner)
If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands. (Archives)
True or false? You never catch cold going up in an elevator.
True. You come down with a cold, never up. (Stan Kegel)
What do you call the person who draws portraits of crime suspects?
A con artist (Bree Schultz)
RIDDLES
What numbering system is used to count repetitions in an exercise class?
Aerobic Numerals (Gary Hallock)
What is the motto of the Colorado ski resort that was converted into a
rehabilitation center for paronomastic addicts?
Use a pun. Go to Vale (Stan Kegel)
Why does Dracula only use a specific brand of facial tissue to swab a
throat before he bites?
He prefers Kleenex. (Clynch Varnadore)
What is the difference between a fresh loaf of Russian Rye and a proper
young lady?
One is a well-made bread and the other a well-bred maid. (Stan Kegel)
What do you call the various paces at which paper money enters the
coffers of a software company?
Bill Gaits (Cynthia MacGregor)
The FBI has announced a reorganization. How many Bureau administrators
does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They don't screw up light bulbs. Just investigations. (Alan Ray)
What safety features do medicine bottles in Florida have?
They have Tampa-proof caps (Lars Hanson)
What language do telescope and binocular makers speak?
Farsi! (Far see). (Gary Hallock)
Where does an IRS agent work?
In a tax shelter (Jumble)
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce Alone Without Dressing (Stan Kegel)
T COMICS
Auto Repair: The sum of the parts is double the estimate! (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
“I’ve been eating an all-vegetarian diet this week.” ”I’m impressed. How
is it working out?” “Not so good, I’m afraid. It turns out they are
harder to catch than cows are. Plus the meat is a lot stringier.” (Zits:
Scott & Borgman)
“What’s the Scottish Grilled Cheese made with?” “Loch Ness muenster.”
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
One tube of toothpaste to another: “Sorry for that outburst earlier, but
I know that once it comes out, there’s no way to take it back. (Off the
Mark: Mark Parisi)
What is the collective term for a group of palm readers?
A handful (Ginger Meggs: James Kemsley)
“How was the Queen Bee’s speech?” “)h, the usual. Just a bunch of
buzzwords.” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
How can we solve world problems when our best advisors are busy cutting
hair, driving cabs and mixing drinks. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
ONE-LINERS
An out-of-work mortician walks into a bar. "I'd like a stiff one," he
says. (Scot Nelson)
It was a ghost town. The black birds were the special that day. A ghost
approached the bar and asked for one, the barkeep said, "We don't serve
Mynahs to spirits." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
A blind rabbi, a Chinese astronaut, a gay cowboy, a stuttering dentist,
and a midget lesbian in a wheelchair all go into a bar with parrots on
their heads. The bartender goes "What is this, a joke?" (Venkatesh/Very Punny)
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Douglas Helsel)
So you can drive a car, but what do you have to chauffeur it? (The Big Pun)
In the winter a lot of horses are Friesian. (Pun of the Day)
When I was younger I used to see colours that weren't really there. I
guess they were simply pigments of my imagination. (Jeff Lawrence)
Dentists practice by going through many drills. (Pun of the Day)
A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail (Pun of the Day)
Dungeons and Dragons is just a load of Saxon violence. (Simon Champion)
When you are driving, watch for wild animals that are dead ahead. (Pun
of the Day)
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even
in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass. (Clean Laughs)
Some horses are in movies. But they have bit parts. (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force
yourself', she replied. (Calvin Trillin)
Miners with illuminated helmets say it makes them feel lightheaded.
(Pun of the Day)
As a high school student, Lenin was obsessed with his Marx.
Did you hear about the blonde who was so modest she went into the closet
to change her mind. (Ms SamAntics)
Before parents have a baby they don't know if it's a boy or a girl
because it's a hidden a-gender. (Pun of the Day)
How are things going with your new girlfriend?" "She has even more
hang-ups than I do. But then again, she's a telemarketer." (Firesong)
A chaplain on the sea leads the soldiers in their warship. (Pun of the Day)
In 1910 The first Army Dental Unit was formed. They had a good Drill
Team. (Daryl Stout)
Mothers everywhere want their children to give peas a chance, and to
understand that grime does not pay. (Mike Bull)
Napoleon placed a chess piece back on the board that had already been
captured. Everyone knows that you can’t use expired coup pawns. (The Big Pun)
One morning I handed my 8 year old her toast which was a little on the
dark side. She said, "I can't eat that, I'm black toast intolerant."
(Funny Kids)
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity. (Albert Einstein)
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
A sign at a pet store said "Buy one, get one flea." (Pun of the Day)
If your mind is clouded or in a fog you may have mist some opportunities
. (Pun of the Day)
When gambling became legal in the city, everyone agreed that the city
was now a bettor place. (The Big Pun)
"I'm an independent salesman." "What does that mean?" "It means I take
orders from no one." (Beckie Shiles)
Gardeners always know the ground rules. (Pun of the Day)
In a Scandinavian foot race, the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line.
(Mike Bull)
Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work, but he who makes
false teeth is an indentured laborer. (Pun of the Day)
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if
you don't have the time? (My Stacy)
When the homosexual noticed me staring, I averted my gays. (The Big Pun)
An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence? (Pun
of the Day)
A thief fell into some wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
(Mike Bull)
A woman is like a teabag. You don't know how strong she is until you put
her in hot water. (Jokes of the Week)
He stared at his belly button so much, he was promoted to navel officer
(Pun of the Day)
Rumors about the army often have a kernel of truth to them, but not in
a major way, and generally aren't private (Pun of the Day)
In 1900 The first escalator was put in use. Everyone said it was a step
in the right direction. (Daryl Stout)
GROANERS
The annual festivity for the town of Hixville was a contest to test
skills such as ax sharpening, scepter shining, web weaving, roue
cooking, hair vetch cutting and witches broom sweeping. The perennial
winner was Bertram Bodkins. The annual losers were the Amber boys,
Aesop, Avril, Jon and Nuff. Each time that Bertie won, his girlfriend
Wendy go so excited that she would consume a whole turkey. This year was
not exception. As the Hixville Herald reported, "Bertie dazed Aesop
Amber, Avril, Jon and Nuff Amber. All the tests Champ Bertie won: ax,
scepter, web, roue, hairy, witches. Wendy ate!"" (William Hovey)
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. "My
Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" (Funny Bone)
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would
be rung every two hours: At 8 am once, 10 am twice, noon thrice, 2 pm
four times, etc. The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as
much they could to make more money The judges became extremely bored
with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that
all trials would have to be concluded at 2 pm. Thereafter, all trials
ended with a four-gong conclusion. (Alan B. Combs)
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the
long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally
called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight
today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied,
"One hour and 45 minutes!" (My Stacy)
The other day, I went to the local Club, and I showed the doorman my
driver's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked what the
wheel was for. I said, "The guy on the radio said you were checking ID's
and a tire." (Stan Kegel)
A man who tried to drive across a state line with a dog sitting in a pan
of soda water. When he explained to the state police that his dog was
under treatment, they said, "Well, you can't bring in a dog like that.
This is a catatonic state." (Ray Fransen)
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting
down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by
his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was
creating a bottomless pit! (The Pundit)
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. bne day a visitor was astonished
to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven
hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the
visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it,
just let sleeping dogs lie." (Sandy Illes)
When a woman and her dog moved into the neighborhood and the man next
door came to introduce himself, the dog attacked him, tearing at his
clothes and inflicting a minor bite. The woman called her dog off and
apologized profusely. The next day, the man was walking by and, seeing
the woman but no dog, decided to show that he had no hard feelings by
asking, "How's the dog?" To which the woman replied, "I did." (Carl Hess)
In the days of old when Scotland had the only branches of McDonalds, a
band of marauding knights reached the Tobermoray area and stopped by the
large expanse of water to have a swim and freshen up, occasionally
stopping to rest on a a wooden platform they had been carrying. A Scots
boy and his father watched them jump in and when they emerged the boy
said to his father, "Look, Dad, they're twelve feet tall now, but that
wooden raft seems to have shrunk" "Aye, son, " he said. "It is a well
known fact that the knights get longer in Loch Tober, but the dais gets
shorter!" (Graham Kerr)
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for
his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien
holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied.
"Is that the same thing?" (Archives)
A kindergarten teacher was giving her class a lesson on using scissors.
As she helped one child who was having difficulty, she asked him if he
had any scissors at home. He replied, "No, but I do have two brudders!"
(Pete Richardson)
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's
performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" (My Stacy)
An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the
application form. He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow
of the United States governmen by force, subversion, or violence?"
Without giving it a second thought, he wrote, "violence." (Arca Max)
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide
pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar
across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one
could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the
guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days." (Clean Laughs)
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the
Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she
took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the
finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to
console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come." (Joke Nite)
Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call
me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will
make it any more attractive. (David Henry)
My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite appropriate.
"You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now
it's time to get on with your life." She had just given birth to him
that morning. (Suyee Kaor)
Due to failing health, the Pope has been touring less in recent years.
Anxious to stay in touch with his far flung flock, John Paul II
reluctantly consented to be interviewed on a few popular television
shows. Because of limited studio facilities, Robin Leach and Peter
Jennings were forced to share the same interview. This resulted in a
slight confusion for the translator who listed the program in the TV
schedule as "Robin, Peter to Papal." (Gary Hallock)
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers.
"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls
them 'reruns'." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a
Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!" "That's nothing
compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He
calls them 'remains'!" (William Brabant)
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty
cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the
store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man." (Irene A. Mystery)
DEFINITIONS:
Insects: How people with unconventional beliefs congregate (Lederer &
Ertner)
Forelock: overcrowded golf course (Lowell Streiker)
Metronome: Subway pixie. (Paul Dickson)
Paraffin: What's on the sides of a fish (Lederer & Ertner)
Avenue: Recently acquired. “Thanks to Mom and Dad, i avenue baby
brother.” (Geoff Tibballs)
Monkey: used to unlock doors in monasteries (Lederer & Ertner)
Tentacles: a linebackers dream for every game (Lowell Streiker)
Autopsy: Roof of a car. (Paul Dickson)
Bulletin: “The cowboy limped because he got a bulletin his leg.” (Geoff
Tibballs)
Polarize: What penguins see with (Lederer & Ertner)
Aversion: One side of a disputed story.. (Paul Dickson)
Mushroom: A place where Eskimos train their dogs (Lederer & Ertner)
Buoyant: Male insect. (Paul Dickson).
Nuisance: “Mum was complaining that she hadn't had anything nuisance she
was married.” (Geoff Tibballs)
POETRY
Busy chimney sweep
Defied long held traditions
Dressed to soot himself
(Gary Hallock)
In days of yore
A god of war
Rode out upon his filly.
"I'm Thor," he cried
And his horse replied
"Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."
(Bridget Schuil)
Where was murderer caught son?
Give it a wee bit of thought son...
Sour expression on face
makes it easy to trace ...
A lemon tree my dear Watson !!
(Gunjan Saraf)
Once there were two Russian guys
Scientists, but not too wise
Failed to factor
Heat of reactor
They should Chernobyl Prize
(Gary Hallock)
A geometry teacher named Rex
One day plotted a capital X
On a graph, after he
Had drawn letters S E.
Was arrested. The charge? Graphic sex.
(Kirk Miller)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I'm 'drawing' the butter," Tom clarified fatuously. (Gil Krebs)
"What an ugly hippopotamus," said Tom hypocritically. (Lederer & Ertner)
"Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei, funf!" said the
German commander fearlessly. (Gil Krebs)
"I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly.
(Lederer & Ertner)
"Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge," said Tom begrudgingly. (Gil
Krebs)
"This is imitation turtle soup," Tom said mockingly. (Lederer & Ertner)
"We had trouble with the propulsion systems for those moon flights,"
said the NASA engineer apologetically. (Gil Krebs)
"Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait," Tom
forged ahead. (Gil Krebs)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
SEX EDUCATION DELAYED, TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING (Richard Lederer)
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please, Carol." (Able2Laugh)
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store: Sid's Pants is Open (MeMail)
U.S. DEATH ROW POPULATION DROPS (Joke A Day)
MARRIAGE LICENSE PERMITS MOUNTING (Richard Lederer)
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst
Possible Job (MeMail)
NEWSCASTER: "Stay tuned to ABC-TV's 'Good Company' celebrity interview
program, starring F. Lee Bailey, prominent lawyer known throughout the
bars of the nation." (Kermit Schafer)
RAIN CLOUDS WELCOME AT AIRPORT. (Richard Lederer)
The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the
dead man was crossing the intersection. (Ms. Kitty)
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone
caught hanging from the rim will be suspended (MeMail)
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE (Syman Hirsch)
MAN BOOKED FOR WRECKLESS DRIVING (Richard Lederer)
In a New York jewelry store: Genuine Fauz Pearls (MeMail)
WEATHER FORECST: "This is your weather girl bringing you the forecast
for eastern Texas and vicinity, direct from the airport. Today's
forecast is for fair and mild with a pleasant weekend in prospect for
you golfers and fishermen. (LOUD CLAP OF THUNDER) Oh, oh . . . you had
better bring your rubbers." (Kermit Schafer)
ANNOUNCER: "'Tuesday Night at the Movies' will be seen on Saturday of
this week instead of Monday." (Kermit Schafer)
In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers
Only (MeMail)
Several workers were laid off, but they all received sufferance pay.
(Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
(Michael Rogers)
You liked my body.
You thought I was hot.
I'm sorry about
That little infection you got.
Hope you get well soon!
(Red Babe)
• The four stages of the typical couple's sex life:
Under 35: Tri-weekly
35-45: Try weekly.
45-55: Try weakly.
55 and over: Try, try, try.
(Richard Lederer)
Marriage is a good deal like taking a bath-not so hot once you get
accustomed to it. (Playboy)
Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over
again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment
he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You
called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it
again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here
alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?" (Playboy)
What is the definition of relative humidity?
That's when the sweat from your balls drips down the crack of your
sister-in-law's ass. (Goatboy)
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
1 US leader (JerLyn F.)
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. (Dawn Schonken)
Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all. (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Are you going to the donkey roast tonight? It should be a lot of fun.
Everybody gets a piece of ass. (Richard Lederer)
Many a girl is looking for an older man with a strong will-made out to
her (Playboy).
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his
psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are
fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are
very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I
feel physically attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is
it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What
do you think I am, queer?" (Michael Rogers)
What's the slogan for the new British tampon?
"We may not be number one, but we're still up there!" (Knight Croft)
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who
had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had
enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights,
sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much
dimmer, and you snored right through them." (Rick Miller)
Why are men like trains?
They always stop before you get off. (Geoff Tibballs)
A girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she
says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies.
"This time it's mayonnaise." (Paul Croft)
Three bachelors were kidding Morris, the married man among them. "You've
been married five years now, Morris, how come you have no children?"
asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun, he added, "Is your
wife unbearable?" "Or," said another guy, "is she inconceivable?" "Maybe
she's impregnable!" joked the third man. "No, boys you're all wrong,"
lamented Morris. "My wife is insurmountable and inscrutable!" (Paul Croft)
Now that General Motors is advertising its military vehicle, I'm waiting
for the inevitable "Give the man you love a Hummer for Christmas"
commercials. (Gary Timm)
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes (SheriBeinBad)
"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone."
(Curly David)
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your
dictaphone?" He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
(After Hours)
Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods-but he got away. Next
morning they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs were
on the bum. Next day the three ladies were confronted by a flasher. The
first had a stroke, and the second had a stroke-but the third wouldn't
touch it.(Richard Lederer)
A man will often take a girl to some retreat in order to make advances. (Playboy)
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African
diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had
made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power
plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian
roulette." The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a
dangerous game." "Right, that's why we invented African roulette, would
you like to play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped
his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the
diplomat explained, "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex."
"That's a lot better and less risky than Russian routlette..." "Not when
one of them is a cannibal." (Peter Bergt)
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he
struggles with it several minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You
wanna screwdriver?" He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this
fu**ing hubcap off." (Red Babe)
BRUTUS: "How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
CAESAR: "Et tu, Brutus."(Richard Lederer)
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
(Curt Dayton)
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his
new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him
to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been until this
hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." (Goatboy)
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a
very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she
reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat
and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to
show your ticket, not your stub." (Joke E-Mail)
Trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you don't get a
chance to prove it. (Playboy)
I needed to write thank-you notes to and went to buy stamps at the post
office. I asked for books of 'Love' stamps, but the clerk replied,
"Sorry, but we're out of books of 'Love' stamps. All I can give you is
'Love' in the sheets." (Jill K.)
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." (Caboom)
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the wood
shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of
school. She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I
can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'." (Paul Croft)