Puns of the Weak 9/28/01

[Stan Kegel]

Puns of the Weak for the week ending 9/28/01

When chemists die, we barium. (Pun of the Day)

What do dogs often do that people can slip on? Pants (Gary Hallock)

Did you hear about the guy whose cat got run over by a steamroller. He
just stood there with a long puss. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Money doesn't grow on sprees. (Louis A. Safian)

Archeologists will date any old thing. (Douglas Helsel)

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back
or further steps will be taken. (Chucklebuns)

If you saw ten ravens fall off their perch, would that be one fell
swoop? (Lou Stewart)

Sycophant: A crazy pachyderm (Stan Kegel)

"Let's all play an A, a C#, and an E", cried the band with one accord.
(Mark Israel)

"I have just sat on some upholstery nails," Tom said tactfully. (Weber &
Bryan)

Forestall: Preferring a booth over a urinal (Belinda M. Paschal)

The bookies fought because they were at odds. (Jumble)

He skipped school with a boy he befriended,
And did bungee jumps 'til the day ended.
But the folks at his school
Didn't think that was cool,
And so both of them got suspended.
(Kirk Miller)

Girl Scouting: Where the Girl Comes First. (Karen Hamilton)

The mint makes money first. It’s up to us to make it last. (Henny
Youngman)

Things made in Australia are high koala-ty (Pun of the Day).

Punstrers are lonely people because they have so much trouble finding
anyone to go out wit them. (Gary Hallock)

Consequence: The order the prisoners file into the dining room. (Stan Kegel)

"Have you heard," Tom axed, "about that man who wants to chop off his
feet on-line, and is taking viewers at $20.00 each? He'll obviously be
defeeted in his efforts." (Merlyn Baby)

If you are able to stir exact amounts of sugar in your coffee using
either your left hand or right hand, you must be ambidextrose. (Cryptograms)

I've heard people say that suppositories are actually harmful to use,
but I think it's all innuendo. (Deb Hayes)

The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. (Venky)

“I can’t stand singing commercials,” Tom stated adversely. (Stan Kegel)

If you want to end your life with a fine finish, drink varnish. (Bree
Schultz)

To reach the summit, the mountain climbers paid a high price. (Jumble)

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. (Larry Baum)

Partisan: What you call your host at a soiree in Tokyo (Jeff McNalty)

When when Mongolians walk, they like to take big steppes. (Pun of the Day)

This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, buddy, your pants are down!" (Clean Laffs)

In 1845 A psychic told The Lone Ranger his fortune, but sustained a
broken arm when he crossed her palm with Silver. (Daryl Stout)

The man had taken his date to see a famous pianist. Halfway through, she
asked, "What's he playing?" "Chopin's Polonaise in A-flat," he
responded. "Oh," she sighed, "I could have sworn it was a piano." (cLEAN
cUT jOKES)

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be
gone. I said, "The whole time." (Donna Eaker)

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed
for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his
back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you
check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second,
looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad." (Jokes4Us)

Microwave: The smallest movement of the ocean (Michael Driscoll)

Drinking a whole bucket of water could make you turn pail. (Pun of the Day)

When the photographer made a pass, he ended up with a negative. (Jumble)

The Pilgrims crossed the ocean in hardships. This was called the Pill's
Grim Progress. (Richard Lederer)

Don't forget, on the invitation: "The honor of your presents is
requested." (Cynthia MacGregor)

What happens when a boxer puts a cat in the washing machine? He gets a
sock in the puss. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

"Are these dogs Alaskan?" he asked huskily. "Oh yes," she replied
mushily. (M. Bacon)

McDonald's has a new "Comet Burger." I still think that Wendy's
sandwiches are meteor. (Big Puns)

"I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend", said Tom acerbically.
(Mark Israel) .

Defeated: Copped off at the ankles. (Lexicon)

What did the cashier say to the customer who complained about the
outrageous price of a bottle of pickles? "It isn't the pickles, it is
the juice. Dill waters run steep." (Gill Krebs)

If a government levy were imposed for hitchhiking, would it be a thumb
tax? (Merlyn Baby)

Corn auctions produce auction ears. (The Pundit)

This afternoon my four-year-old and I were sitting on the screen porch
when he suddenly announced, "Mommy, look! There's a great big spider and
he has built a great big website right here on our porch!" (Beckie Shiles)

Whenever I go near my bank I get withdrawal symptoms. (Pun of the Day)

To the ball players. The conductor’s music stand was a score board. (Jumble)

Too many clicks spoil the browse. (Mikey’s Funnies)

Grime does not pay. (Louis A. Safian)

Confirmed: A hardened criminal (Phil Hudson)

"I'm worried about crossing the Atlantic," the captain of the Titanic
said with a sinking feeling. (Archives)

What would one use to take their sick cat to the vet? A kitty litter
(Ken Pinkham)

He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bonus." (Pun of
the Day)

Donation: A country of female deer. (Tim Bruening)

The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died,
and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this. (Richard Lederer)

“I use the same tea bag for seven days,” Tom esteemed weakly. (Stan Kegel)

Why did the cat give birth on the side of the road? Because the sign
said “Fine For Littering” (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

"Those hookers are putting notices in the personals", Tom advised. (Mark
Israel)

Always guard your rear while you're in the hospital You're in enema
territory. (Bree Schultz)

About officials at a track meet: These are the souls that time men's
tries. (Frank Reid)

"Aren't you hot from the sun?" "No, I'm Smith from the Times." (Terry Galen)

We heard recently of a convicted rapist who tried to avoid a jail term
by offering to have himself castrated. That would certainly be a eunuch
punishment. (College Jokes)

"I will use a plunger to clear the drain," resolved Tom succinctly. (Birdsinger)

Parachute: Double barrel shotgun (Phil Hudson)

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility." (Yogi Berra)

"Give me some of your Halloween candy," Tom’s brother trickily
entreated. (K. H. Wacome)

Heard about the guitarist at the beach party gig. She had the most
embarrassing time of her life. Right in the middle of the gig she broke
her G-String. (Gunjan Saraf)

Seeking: Another name for Triton, Posiden or Neptune (Jay Christie)

Why were the cows mad at their farmer? He had no consideration for the
feelings of udders. (Humor Exprexx)

A brewmaster once called a cop
Because someone'd stolen his hop
Said the officer "Skip it!
'Twas you who did sip it
And you barley know when to stop"
(Gary Hallock)

For better or for worse, until debt do us part, (Louis A. Safian)

Forbidden fruits create many jams. (Bree Schultz)

Securities are the cause of many people's insecurities. (Pun of the Day)

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. (Richard Lederer)

A friend of the actors in the first show of the season threw a party
without recreational drugs or alcohol because he did not want to stone
the first cast. (Gill Krebs)

She may have been a blind prostitute, but you had to hand it to her!
(Adrian Bozzay)

Engagement Ring: A tourniquet applied to the third finger of a girl’s
left hand to stop circulation (Robert Meyers)

A famous artist liked to experiment with various pigments he produced
himself. During one period of his life he used almost exclusively yellow
and red pigments from flowers obtained from an African plant. These
paintings are among his most famous and today command a premium price.
What is the term applied to each of these paintings? Aloe Dali (Stan Kegel)

A Yiddish folk tale is about a picnic at a nudist kibbutz, it's titled
"Goldy Lox and the three Bares" (Norm Stevenson/ The International Save
the Pun Foundation)

To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests." (Pun of
the Day)

Remember when Johnny Mathis sang a famous song in praise of Russian
royalty? "Chants a Czar" (Gary Hallock)

Unicellular: A small jail (Ray Hand)

An income is what you can’t live without or within. (Henny Youngman)

Weddings are often presided over by a minister--there's that term
again--"STIR"--as in, "I've been in stir for a year now." (Cynthia
MacGregor)

Did you hear about the cat burglar? He was a purr-snatcher (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)

My uncle developed a strange vulgar habit. He would only cuss when he'd
eat chicken. The doctor said he has seen this happen before, too much
chicken can produce a foul mouth. (Bree Schultz)

Duodenim: Jeans for two (Stan Kegel)

If he were to terminate the tree-woman's pregnancy, the doctor would be
the blunt of an arbor shun. (Big Puns)

"England is okay, except there seems to be at least one insect in every
outhouse," said Tom aloofly. (Mark Israel)

The vet's apprentice started his career by spaying animals, because he
was neuter the job. (Phil Hudson)

Why did the weatherman take a bar of soap to work? He was predicting
showers. (Douglas Helsel)

"I promise to get off my high horse," Tom vowed with unbridled
enthusiasm. (CharlieZeb)

Debasement: Room under de house (Lexicon).

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! (Groucho Marx)

What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? A flat
minor. (Gill Krebs)

Money is the root of all idyls. (Louis A. Safian)

A gull got a job in a bird cafe catering to seagulls clearing the tables
because one good tern de-serves another. (Cybe R. Wizard)

Antecedent: Angry relative after you wrecked her car. (Harry Farkas)

“My Maine Coon was in a fight and got all bloody," Tom said
catagorically. (Archives)

When General Burgundy surrendered to Sara's Toga, the colonists won the
war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Richard Lederer)

What do you call the cook on the midnight-to-8 shift at the burger
joint? A fry-by-night (Cynthia MacGregor).

The young cat pleaded with his parents, “Why don’t you let me lead one
of my own lives?” (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

“My hand is numb,” Tom stated without much feeling. (Stan Kegel)

The Mexican chef, living in Australia, prepared reef-dried beans. (Big Puns)

Nov. 18, 1449 The first king was inaugurated. He wore a reign coat. (Bob Weaver)

I was fixing a computer at a restaurant when the cocktail waitress fell.
It was the first time I didn’t get blamed when a server went down.
(Cassett and Brookins)

David must have been the first insurance man. He provided Goliath with a
piece of the rock. (Pun American Newsletter)

My wife said the Middle-Eastern nut dessert was tasty. I answered that
that's a halvah thing to say. (Art. Moger)

Judicious: On TV ads, they say that hands that judicious can be soft as
your face. (Geoff Tibballs)

Romantic: Blood sucking insect from Italy. (Stan Kegel)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read. (Groucho Marx)

Show me a golden anniversary and I'll show you a case of high-fidelity.
(Dave Coble)

Do you know why they are called udders? When you are about to milk the
cow, first you grab one, then you grab the udder one. (Humor Exprexx)

What do you holler down a mine shaft before tossing in a grand piano? C
sharp, or B flat, minor. (Gill Krebs)

Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a
pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way
to work I couldn't help singing, "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,"
and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and
so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor.
"You're having Disney spells." (Texas D. A.)

Hot Pants: Breeches of promise. (M. Rose Pierce)

"I smashed up both my front fenders," Tom said abashedly. (Weber &
Bryan) .

A statistician took a standard deviation from his normal way home
because the mean of the population was after him. (Pun of the Day)

After working around the clock, he called it a day. (Jumble)

Recently, one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that
sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a
co-worker cried, "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
(Daily Groaner)

Fish puns are a bunch abalone. (Bree Schultz)

I never go to the bathroom during hockey games because I heard that if
you miss a period, you're pregnant. (Scott E. Frank)

Congo: Prison escape (Phil Hudson)

A ship is always referred to as 'she' because it costs so much to keep
one in paint and powder. (Chester Nimitz)

Becoming overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. (Archives)

Do you realize that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
(Milton Berle)